Today is our 39th Wedding Anniversary

And we should have been up north with my friend.
You will know by now, I failed. My head was unrelenting.
I have also pulled a muscle in my neck which is very painful.

So here we are, no trip. That's 3 years now I havent been more than a half hour from home.
Pathetic isnt it...

The weather is as it was the day we married. Warm and sunny.
My girls have bought us cards and choccies.
My son has apparently bought us a card, but we will not now be getting it,
because although we had his children at a moments notice yesterday....
He came and got them, but forgot the card.
But hey, I still dont have an invite to my grandson's Christening in 3 weeks time...

So I have caught up with the laundry and hung it out.
My husband has gone to the store for something he can cook for dinner.

It isnt the day I planned, but at the moment I dont have a migraine, just my usual, and the sun is shining,.

Happy Anniversary, Pen! I hope the migraine gives you a break for the entire day so you can enjoy it with your hubby. Please take care.

I'm glad you're not in pain.

Oh, how our children can hurt us with their little thoughtlessness. They take advantage of our unconditional love.

Thanks. I am in pain
How quickly things change with me.....i hung out the laundry and now I have a nasty head.
It isnt a full migraine, but it has brought me down....and I was quite up...

Thanks though.
Pen

Happy anniversary!

Wow, I am 39 and you have been married to your husband for 39 years. That's what I call a love story.
I am so sorry to hear that you did not manage to go on your trip. What a bummer. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Your son is a bit of a noddy for forgetting to bring your card. Shame on him. Next time he dumps his kids on his sick mother you might just remind him of it.

At least you have got a loving hubby who is going to cook a nice meal for you. Enjoy the evening with him. This day is about you and him after all.

Love

P.

My son is often a disappointment. He is my first born, my only son and I love him to bits. We used to be so close and he was with his sisters. But he took him a wife, and now she take priority. It is a lot about her family and much less about ours. We see the kids about 2 hours every 3 weeks, and they only live 20 minutes away.....
Sadly this is a common occurrence I have learned from other mothers of sons.
What is that saying about a sons a son.....a daughters a daughter...Well I have yet to put it to the test as his sisters are both single, but we shall see.

My good friend Eleanor whom I have failed to visit this week told me 10 years ago. "No one prepares you for how much your son might hurt you". I didnt believe her.....
He works long hours and doesnt get much time with his kids, but she insists on working as well and we have to try to fit in, but we are not "factored" in. So we often miss out .

Yes I am disappointed in my son, and the only consolation is that I have learned from many others that it is far from uncommon behaviour in one of his age/generation.

My husband is now in the kitchen cooking us a meal, (I do love his saute potatoes). And he came back from shopping with flowers for us.
He drives me nuts a lot of the time, as I am sure I do him. But I might at least keep him until next September when I hope to be well enough to have a small celebration....(well you never know!!!)

Yes, I know from my circle of friends that the parents of the husbands often miss out. The wives take control and its all about their families.

Sons are also usually the ones who are shirking their responsibilities when it comes to looking after their elderly parents while it is their sisters who do all the caring.

My in-laws are lucky. It is all about them. My own parents are strangers to me. I regard my in-laws as my parents and they regard me as their daughter. I consider myself very lucky. It just confirms that blood is not always thicker than water.

If you where my mother in-law I would not discriminate against you either. [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Enjoy the potatoes!

P.

I hope you managed to enjoy your anniversary, Pen.

When you notice some people who have their grandchildren around, take note if they are their daughter's or their son's children. I suppose we women probably favored our families over our in-laws....in other words, when the parents of daughters get lots of attention, it probably means the son's parents are all alone.

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Happy Anniversary

Pen, an many many more happy years together!

Risa

My son is often a disappointment. He is my first born, my only son and I love him to bits. We used to be so close and he was with his sisters. But he took him a wife, and now she take priority. It is a lot about her family and much less about ours.

Pen, I apologize for taking this issue in your anniversary thread, but this is so serious I can not let it without comment.

Pen, isn't the wife supposed to be a priority for a husband?
How would you feel if you were playing second fiddle to your own husband, his mother and his family more important that you?

We never EVER have, raise our children for ourselves.
In this one aspect the Bible is so true - the woman bears children only to watch them go once they get married.
Cruel, but true. And HEALTHY.


So, your son is absolutely right that he puts his wife first before he does family as his wife should put him first before hers, and I am surprised you, if I am not mistaken, a psychologist seem to forget that?

Risa

Happy anniversary, Pen

hope your pain managed to ease for you to enjoy your meal. it is a sad factor of living with migraines that we miss out on so many special occasions, with 5out of the 7 of my sibling getting migraines we have never all managed to be at one of the sbilings weddings together. i lost out on so much of my wedding day and honeymoon with migriane.
having a son i am taking note of all the comments and know it is right that when he marries his wife will take first place over me, but it is unkind to use parents to babysit andnot realise the hurt of forgetting a card. pen does he know how dissapointed you are in not being able to get away, you need to sit down and chat and tell him, then you willbeable to really offload the hurt. youre right on for the big one next year tho and have a focus point to aim for! this yr could bring a lot of good improvements for you with botox maybe and who knows.....???

been up alll night savage stomach upset. Still going on.
Tiggered migraine.
Will respond. Can't on this phone.
P

congrats Pen!

hope you feel better soon.

Pen,

Congrats on the anniversary. Sorry you feel so rotten but I hope you were able to enjoy the lovely dinner.

As for the children...Risa has a point but when it comes to parents, I would hope that I would be able to spend equal time with each set. But I know my mother would take a bit of priority. No matter how welcoming the in-laws, they aren't your parents and your own mother knows her daughter best. I know this isn't always the case but looking at it from someone closer to your kids age...take it for what it's worth. But at least you do get some time with the grandbabies even though you wish for more. But on the other hand, could your health take them? That might be a factor whether it's conscious or not that Mother just can't do it or we can't take the kids to her because she's so ill.

Congratulation Pen to you and your hubby. Sorry, this is so late...

Sending you love and wishing for many more anniversaries..with happiness

Blessings,
greeneyes

Happy Belated Anniversary, Pen. I hope you got to enjoy your dinner and are feeling better today.

Chris

Belated happy wishes on your anniversary Pen! It's too bad these stupid migraines won't give us a break now and then. Having failed at marriage and being all alone, I'm very impressed and happy for you for having 39 years together, even if you drive each other crazy. I'm crazy but alone so I'm not sure which is better.

I also have a son and am in the same situation you are. Her family is everything, I strive for time with them. With the migraines going on, I have to take what I can get and use the phone to keep in touch. If it weren't for the migs, things would be much different, probably for you too. Hang in there. - Cathy

Thanks everyone for the greetings. Sorry to be so tardy in response.
On Friday evening, right after the dinner he cooked I had the most violent and painful upset stomach.
It went on all night, and most of sunday and triggered a migraine. To top this off I have had a razor sharp sore throat.
No idea what has caused any of this, but suffice to say, everyone else is fine...

Risa, I do need to address your comments. First, thanks for the nice greeting, but what a mixture of emotion when I saw your second post.
Probably I shouldnt have posted or I worded it badly, but the thrust of my comment was apparently lost.
It is not my son's dedication to his wife which is the problem. I would not have that any other way.
I am proud of him as a husband and father, he is everything he should be. Everything I brought him up to be.
He works hard at a very important, responsible job, and provides for his wife and children, which is how it should be.
But there is much more to the back story which I shall not be speaking of.

My problem is his lack of consideration and attention to us, in deference to her family, not his wife and children.
He is a good husband and father. He is no longer a good son and brother.
His wife, like all daughters I am told, spends much time and effort on her family.
Her parents are lovely people, we know them well and see them often.

However, she has never once in four years brought the children to see us, and we are 20 minutes away.
But we are called upon to babysit and bail them out, and she knows we will say yes for the opportunity to see the kids.
This may sound as if we have a problem with her. We dont. But when our children were small, I took them to see their Gran.
I considered her, I did a better job than my husband did, and she has done nothing but give me a hard time for 39 years.

So who is the person who lets me down? It is my son.
My son, who was the most compassionate and considerate son I could have hoped for.

Now, he could be more considerate. He could factor us in to their busy lives and not leave us to catch them when they have a moment, often to be cancelled at the last minute. He should be batting for us, not making excuses like "she keeps the diary".
For what it's worth, my husband feels no different, and even his in laws have commented on how little we see of the children compared to them.....

So Risa, I stand by what I said, but apologise for probably putting it badly. I was hurt.
I havent been a psychologist for 20 years, I wrote as a mother.
There is never any excuse for bad behaviour, and his behaviour leaves much to be desired.

Hope that is a bit clearer, sorry for any confusion..

Pen

hows your throat now? wow that was out the blue, run down do you think or had you been vomitting with your tummy??

Thanks for clarifying, Pen. I was a little taken aback by the sentence Risa high lighted too so I understand her misunderstanding it. Hubby and I would have a real hard time if his mother had priority over me! I look at things I post when I'm not well and it's amazing what one little dropped word will do to my meaning.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'm already learning the "daughter is a daughter". My only hope is that my DILs mother is a witch on wheels and I believe is going to alienate both my son AND her daughter. I'm seeing it happen right now with her older daughter. So for right now I'm as sweet and sweet can be about it.

Now ask me again in a couple years if the problem is not better....

However, she has never once in four years brought the children to see us, and we are 20 minutes away.
But we are called upon to babysit and bail them out, and she knows we will say yes for the opportunity to see the kids.
This may sound as if we have a problem with her. We dont. But when our children were small, I took them to see their Gran.
I considered her, I did a better job than my husband did, and she has done nothing but give me a hard time for 39 years.

So who is the person who lets me down? It is my son.
My son, who was the most compassionate and considerate son I could have hoped for.

Pen, now that you've explained it does changed the thing a bit.
So, as I understand now, you have the problem with your son spending more time with the wife's family,
not just your son with you, right?
Yeah, that is not right, I believe both Grandparents should be given equal timeshare opportunity.

Pen, as sorry as I am for the whole situation, I can not help but think there must be some reason for this.
From afar, from virtual afar, looks to me like your D-i-L for some reason avoids you at all cost.
Despite your opinion that you don't have problem with her.
And your son, knowing his wife very well, knows the situation too well to get involved and to interfere.

Have you considered a family sit-down, talking the whole matter seriously, once and for all?
Asking what is it that prevents your D-i-L to bring the kids more often - AT ALL, and tell them to their faces how much it hurts to be treated as free, convenient babysit service only. After all, you do have feelings.
But above all, please remember, that it is your SON who should be mainly addressed to deal with all this not your D-i-L,
as in families the golden rule deal with your own family only truly prevents ugly tugs from developing,
and simplifies the whole process.
So, say what on your mind but keep it simple, demand from your son to try and check that his wife keeps their promises (if there will be any) to come and visit with kids.

And I am sorry if in my misunderstanding I hurt your feelings, Pen.

Risa

No problem Risa, I can see where I confused everyone.

This problem lies with my son, NOT his wife.
Yes she is thoughtless.

[All of my daughter's friends take their kids to MIL.
I always did too. As I said, despite her being a total cow to me (and her other DIL).
She has some neurosis issues....]

And she has not totally cut the apron strings according to my son.
She and her mother and sister speak several times, every day.

BUT my problem is my son ,who is anything for a quiet life.
Whilst she is filling the diary, they should speak to each other.
We are not put into the diary and therefore get dumped when we try to squeeze in.

Last few weeks.....We went there for bank holiday with her parents too.
Two weeks later we were due to see them but got cancelled friday......shoe shopping for kids.
This week end we were cancelled friday....eldest had parties both days.
So now we are pencilled in for next week end, but NO commitment.

Now my son might have know, he should have known, but either way she also knew,
AND they could have let us down a bit more gently...but this happens frequently.
As I say, anything for a quiet life. Much easier for him to "upset" us then his wife with whom he resides.
(and I get that).

My DIL and I text and email. We get along fine, but neither she, who makes the arrangements,
nor my son, who should be party to them, seem to be able to factor us in on a more certain level.
Nor, if they MUST cancel us, can mange to do so earlier than the day before.
Communication is not forthcoming. We have yet to receive an invitation for my Grandson's Christening in 2 weeks....
And our anniversary card is, as you know still in their house....Now come on. They could have mailed it, or he could have run it over...

I apologise for this not flowing well, but hope I have put the record straight.
HE is my problem She is his.....
He has to put his own little family first. That is his roll now.
But we should not have to fit in the little windows left over.

I try to see the kids every 2/3 weeks and given my problems to be allowed a little flexibility (ie not the morning).
I dont expect this to be set in stone, but would like it to be held to baring emergencies (there has thankfully yet to be one).

We seek parity.......at least from our son.
He putting us below them smarts.

I dont begrudge her parents any time with the grandchildren, but they do have another two.
Also did I mention that for the last 3 years they have gone with my son and his family to Florida for two weeks.
Now I know I cant travel, but that has been hard to deal with (for my husband also) but cest la vie....
Dont begrudge them, just wish it could be me....

They are really nice people, and we have spent time with them by choice without my son, his wife or the children.
We go to their house, they come to ours...

Phew....hope that came across ok.... probably not, emotive issues never quite scan on paper....but.....

Just wanted to pop in and say happy belated anniversary and say I'm sorry for the family troubles. That does not sound like fun. I hope things reslove soon.

Unfortunately, I'm afraid I'm already learning the "daughter is a daughter". My only hope is that my DILs mother is a witch on wheels and I believe is going to alienate both my son AND her daughter. I'm seeing it happen right now with her older daughter. So for right now I'm as sweet and sweet can be about it. Now ask me again in a couple years if the problem is not better

That made me smile, but sorry you too are inflicted. And Cathy. At least we know it is a widespread malady.

Thanks again everyone.
Next year will be better.

pen