Difficulty trying to deal with online dating

A while back, I wrote about the challenges of what to write about myself when trying to sign up for eHarmony. I didn't want to write about my migraines because it would scare people away, but I discovered that I had to tell them about the migraines before we ever met because I had to be able to explain why I don't have a regular job and can't drive to meet the guy half-way, like they recommend you do the first few times. And as soon as I mentioned my migraines, every single man suddenly stopped writing to me. No goodbyes or even fake excuses. They just started ignoring me. You can imagine how demoralizing that has been!

I'm going to try another website, ChristianCafe.com, where my best friend met her husband, but this time I'm going to say something about my migraines up front. But I don't know to what extent to talk about them. I want to be honest enough about them that potential dates don't feel surprised by them, but I also don't want to scare them away by how severe my migraines are.

I've really been feeling lonely lately, often having dreams about my previous boyfriend and remembering the good times we had together and tending to suppress the bad times. I know that he wasn't fully right for me, but at least he was comfortable with me, no matter how bad my head got. It gets hard to see so many friends married, and I'm all alone. But on the other hand, I'm also seeing a lot of my friends getting divorced, and that scares me too. The rates at which friends are splitting up are scary!

So I guess I'm just feeling lonely and wishing I had someone of my own to cuddle up to.

Vicki,

I met my current boyfriend on ChristianCafe. I would say be honest but don't elaborate too much. I met a very nice guy who was paralyzed from the waist down. He went into a few too many details when we were first talking. Not stuff I wanted to know.

I would say what your situation is but not so much as to scare them. But just so they know that you have medical problems and can't drive. Also, you will get out of that site what you put into it and if you want my tips on how I worked the site let me know. A lot of it was trial and error for me but would be happy to pass on what I learned to save someone else trouble.

Becky

Hi Vicki, just wanted to drop you a line and let you know that I have many, many friends doing the online dating thing right now and they all say the same thing.

They say people always start talking and then just drop off. It seems to happen a whole lot online, so I'm very sure it has nothing at all to do with your migraine bomb.

It happens to everyone, no matter who they are or what they are sharing with others.

Don't let it get you down, the right person is out there just waiting to meet you.

I wouldn't tell anyone about the migraines. All you need to say is that you do not drive. Maybe that you never learned and do not want to. so someone may think you a little wierd, but that is ok. If someone presses you for more info, brush it off for now. As for these people vanishing, it may just be that they found someone to keep them occupied. If you get a bad migraine, then you might explain. If things get more interesting, then you can go into more detail. Migraines are a personal health issue that is not contagious. No need to share on the first date unless you get a bad one.

Hal

Vicki, I'm in the same boat as you are. I want to try online dating, but am hesitant about how much info to share. My good friend has had good results with online dating, but I don't know how comfortable I feel with the concept, so I haven't taken the plunge.
I don't feel comfortable using a Christian dating site, as I am agnostic, but it sounds like a good idea if that's your religious inclination. Do let us know how it works out, Vicki! I agree with what Hal says, I think migraines are a personal health issue, and I wouldn't put personal health issues in an initial information posting for online dating. That's something I would share person-to-person with those individuals that I decide to meet and talk to, and even then, I'd only share it with the ones I felt comfortable with, the ones I made a connection with. It is a very personal thing to me, I don't share alot of information about my migraines with many people because of how badly I've been judged by people who ought to know better. I don't want to share details with just anyone, and would feel that those kinds of details should be shared face to face.

Let us know how it goes!

I think I've come to the conclusion that it's right for me to share about my migraines. In every other element of my life, I'm very open about them. I tell anyone about what I go through because I figure that's who I am and what I live, so why should I act like I'm ashamed? I understand that some people feel this is too personal and are afraid of how other people will respond, but I've almost always had positive feedback from the people I tell. My best friend didn't think I should put stuff about my migraines on Facebook because others wouldn't understand. But in general, they did, and when someone posted saying that I should get off the drugs (in conversations with her, I know that she is thinking long-term, as she is an acupuncturist and a psychologist who works with drug addicts), others rushed to me defense when I didn't think they even understood. I see it also as educating other people about what it is like to live with a chronic health problem. I have a number of nurses or medical students as friends on FB, so it's good for them to see things from the patient perspective for once.

So I think it would be a better decision for me to tell about my migraines, based upon who I am and what I am like. I did try to hold out before, but I felt like I didn't have very much in my life to report. I just talked about the international student ministry I lead, but since that is only twice a month, that's not a whole lot that I'm doing. Now I'll be able to talk about the book I'm about to start writing, but even that will be very slow going, as I won't be able to work long at a time.

Thanks for telling me that everyone else gets dropped like that too! That was encouraging, as I interpreted it to be because of my migraines.

I forgot who wrote that she or he is interested in trying online dating but can't use the Christian sites because he or she is an agnostic. I first tried eHarmony, and I'll tell you that they give a lot of matches that looked interesting. I personally chose to have them choose me because of my health problems. I wanted them to be interested in me as a person first.

They have a guided path of getting to know each other that most people use. You select three multiple choice questions for the person (i.e. what would you do for me if I had a horrible day? What is your idea of a great date? How do you handle money?) out of a pool of about 50. Then the other person answers them and sends you questions. Next, you send each other your "must haves" and "can't stands," which you pick when signing up. I had to drop some men at this point because they insisted they must have children, and I'm not sure that I'm going to be able to have kids with the way my migraines are. The third step (can you see how long it takes before you get to send direct emsils to each other?) is short answer questions. So the challenge is that many expressed interest in me, but few got to the point of actually getting to email because they got bogged down in going through all the steps. You can request to bypass those and go "fast track," but it's discouraged. I did do the fast track with one man though.

One thing to watch out about eHarmony though is that it automatically renews your membership, and it increased the amount I had to pay at the time of my renewal. I wasn't paying attention because I assumed I'd get a notice that my membership was running out and a request to renew, but it didn't send me anything! It just renewed me, and at a higher price than at first, without any notice at all! So watch out for that. But eHarmony has people of all religious persuasions on it, so that would be a potential site for you.

I wouldn't put out migraines out their either. It is placing a negative before they delve into your positives. If I met a guy and he had all these wonderful attributes, but a bad back, I would be interested. If he talked about his bad back all the time. I would not be interested.

I agree with AlmostAngela 100%. It is a first date. None of their business. If someone started out telling me about a health problem, I would not be interested in them. Why would you say anything negative when you are trying to "sell yourself". If someone is really interested in you once they get to know you, the migraines are not going to be an issue (or shouldn't be if this is the right person). I was once asked on a date by someone who said they were wearing a heart monitor for a week because he was experiencing chest pain. ???? Ya, I really want to go out with someone who might drop dead of a heart attack. Well, as it turned out, I later gave him a shot, and he turned out to be great (nothing wrong with heart and probably wouldn't have matter at that time). But to start out by saying something like that is ending the date before it started.

I wish you luck. You are a pretty girl.

Well, I understand what Vicki is saying, and I do see her perspective. Migraines and her health are a big part of her life, and she doesn't feel that it would be right to not put it out there from the start. I think it all comes down to how one presents it. If one presents it as negative, it's going to be perceived as negative, and then, of course why would a guy want to go out with someone who right off the bat goes on and on about their health issues/problems and is so down about them? I think Vicki has the right idea for her personal situation and will probably present them as they have been to her, as something she has been struggling to conquer and like anything, there are ups, and there are downs.
Good luck, Vicki. And thanks for the info about eHarmony. I have been a little leery of trying it out because I know they do charge you,and also because at 38, I'm not exactly a spring chicken I know alot of guys are looking for a younger duck than me.

AuntiBubbs - don't let your age stop you. I'm 59 and not looking but if I was I might give it a try.
38 is young anyway. I do know a lot of people that have had good luck with dating services and are now married, and all of them were older than 38.

AuntieBubbs wrote: I have been a little leery of trying it out because I know they do charge you,and also because at 38, I'm not exactly a spring chicken I know alot of guys are looking for a younger duck than me.

Everyday, thousands of people of all different ages fall in love for all the right reasons. A lot of guys are looking for an intelligent woman who makes them laugh and they can spend happy years together too. If you are not interested in a 20 year old stud, then expect that many men aren't looking for the 20 year old trophy either. 38, 48, 58, 68, 78, 88 and 98 all have their stages of beauty and allure in the eyes of the beholder, and there are many beholders out there. You only need one.

I know that somewhere out there, there are guys who don't mind dating women their own age, but I don't have much luck finding them in person, so I'm not really sure about finding them online. I have no problem dating older men, but the same goes for older men wanting to date a woman pushing 40. It seems they all want women young enough to have children, and that's not really me - or at least, in a couple of years, it won't be. And I'm not at a stable enough point in my life that having children is feasible. I worry that by the time I reach that stable point in my life the bio clock will have shut down.

All this to say, I wonder why a guy - in person or online - would bother with over-the-hill me when he can date an under-the-hill chick for the same amount of effort? And then I have the health problems to boot, you know? It makes it hard to take that next step in the online dating scheme, or to put myself out there and go out with the guys I do meet. I know not all guys are looking for a woman who wants to have kids, either, but as Vicki says, alot of them are, and then, do I be honest and say, that probably isn't in my future? I mean, I realistically only have 2 or 3 years to do that, and it really isn't likely that I can.
It doesn't help in the childbearing respect that I don't look 38. At least, that's what I've been told. I'm very small, have masses of hair (that hide the few grey curls that are in there, lol), large eyes, and only a few laugh lines.

Anyway, I feel like I've highjacked Vicki's thread Sorry, Vicki. I am debating honestly whether to try eHarmony, and I appreciate all the information you've given me about it. How expensive is it?

Don't worry about hijacking the thread! It all fit in with the topic. I don't remember exactly how much I paid initially, but you could choose to pay for one month, three months, or six months. I paid for three months at probably about $60, but when, six months later I went to check what they would charge me to renew another time (I didn't catch the automatic renewal in time the first time), it was close to twice that much money!

But I wouldn't give up on dating just because you're 38. You're only 5 years older than I am. I think I probably won't have kids because I couldn't take care of them when I am so sick myself. But you can select whether or not you want kids and specify how important it is to you that your match share the same belief. There were plenty of men out there who said no kids. So don't let that stop you.

Vicki, whoa, that is alot of money. Even $60 for 3 months is too much for my budget. I'll wait for when they advertise one of their specials where they offer a month or two for free, and see how that plays out. But only if they don't insist on charging my credit card after the free months, you know?

I haven't given up, but I'm getting decidedly discouraged. My neighbor across the street asked me to go to the movies - about 6 weeks ago. I'm still waiting for him to follow up Or, at least, I would be waiting if I hadn't decided I'm not going to wait around for a guy to make up his mind to ____ or get off the pot But it does seem as if those are the guys I meet and get asked out by, the ones who just figure they'll get around to it eventually. I don't drink, and I don't go out to bars, so I'm not going to meet a guy that way, and I don't really want to. I don't have the knack of chatting guys up other places, like at the supermarket (don't laugh, I have friends who've done it), and though I love to read, I'm not keen on book groups. I want to read what I want to read, not what a group tells me to read, and I want to read at my own pace, not on someone else's schedule. I wish there were "tv groups" as well as book groups, that met to discuss favorite tv shows/series. Not online, either, but groups the way there are book groups. Online is fine, but a group would get me out of the house and maybe meeting people/guys that I had common interests with.

I actually love kids and in an ideal world, would've loved to have them. But I don't forsee that for me, for financial reasons as well as health reasons. And the penultimate reason, of course - no significant other to have them with. I don't mind the thought of raising a child or children as a single parent, but not unless I'm financially stable and physically healthy, and right now I'm just not. Who knows when I can get a handle on these migraines, and having been without health insurance for the past year, I am having a hard time getting them under control, and of course, would never be able to have a baby without health insurance.

Would I disclose all of that to a potential date online? Goodness no!!

Auntibubbs, over the hill at 38????? I don't believe it. You should really consider yourself a good catch and still in the game. I would take you out for dinner in a heartbeat if you wouldn't mind going out with an old goat.

You should think of yourself as an interesting person. There are lots of guys that are looking for intelligent interesting personalities. From your postings, you seem to have alot of things to offer. You just need more self confidence.

Hal

Hal, that's sweet. It could be the migraines, which take a lot out of me (don't they take alot out of us all?) and make me feel so tired all the time, but it's probably also being in southern CA, where everyone wants to be younger, look younger, and date younger. Even the guys in their 40s and 50s want to date the girls in their early 30s, late 20s. They figure, if they can, why not? So why bother with an almost-40-something. Yes, I do feel over-the-hill at 38, soon-to-be 39. Heck, I've been told I'm over the hill!
I know I lack confidence, I've been told that. But there's so little out there (or in here, or perhaps both) to inspire it!

But anyway, I do want to hear how it goes with your online dating, Vicki. As you say, you're only 5 years younger than I am - I'm hoping you have good luck! It might be a good omen that my pessimissm is not warranted

I met my huband on line.
When I joined the on line dating site, I took it as a joke and had no real expectations. I only wanted to understand what the world out there was going to offer to a 38-year single woman (yes Auntie, I was 38!!!).
I was 100% SURE that chatting on line was only a nice way to get in touch again with flitering and dating after 3 years of total isolation and rejection for love stories.

I met several guys and most of them were nice and good men, with good intentions and ready to begin true love stories. This encouraged me to the point that I understood that I was NOT old (so, Auntie, you're in the right moment of your life) because those good men were ALL looking for something more than physical beauty.
For a couple of months I enjoyed to meet men only to get to know as many "samples" as possible. I liked to feel in the position of picking up the right one after a careful choice! I had several occasions with good guys and could have stopped there, choose one of them, but at that point I aimed at perfection. I wanted what I had exactly dreamt all of my life.

He came in finally, only after 4 months. The night I met my husband I stopped to date anyone else. He was the one.
My husband is 5 years younger than me (Auntie.....).

As for the migraines, I have never talked about them during the on line chatting. I have always thought that they are something that cannot be explained and understood on line.
The moment when you "meet" on line it's something magical when people search for the right spark to date someone. It's a moment when everyone expects only exciting and light subjects.
In those few words written in a chat, you give the very first impression of yourself, the one that will remain for a while. So, if you begin with diseases, tragedies, negative events, the picture that you will pass to the other will be negative, pessimistic and problematic. I'd rather say that it can be seen as an obstacle to begin a story, no matter the way you talk about it.

This DOES NOT mean that you have to disguise migraine, not all. Only, it must be introduced at the right moment, possibly face to face.

Viki, you're a smart, oustsanding, lovely, caring, intelligent girl. These are the things that must come out from your profile on line. Your migraine is an important part of you but it's not one of your qualities. It's something that cannot be hidden but it cannot be presented together with your wonderful personality!
The occasion to talk about it with the right guy(s) will arrive and at that point it will not be misunderstood by the other(s) because it will be a piece of the puzzle of super-Viki.

Have a nice day

Auntibubbs - Listen to Hal. For one thing, you are still young. And there are a lot of men out there that either do not want kids or have already had them and do not want more. You are actually in your prime for dating! There are a lot of men on their second time around and second time around does not mean they are not going to be a good catch!

Bubbs,

Have you heard of something called a cougar. There's a guy who I play softball with. He's 25 and his girlfriend has a 17year old and a 15 year old. Not sure how old that makes her but she's certainly over 30 as she was married when she had the boys.

Heck I'd take Hal up on his offer but I think I'm a little too young for him.

My boyfriend is 37 and I'm 29. We met on a dating site...I found him so he wasn't looking for someone my age. He was giving it a shot and seeing what happened. By the way I presented myself he thought I was older than I am and was joking about being my "old man" and when he found out my age, he really thought he'd be my old man. He also was a bit concerned about the possibility of having kids...just afraid that he wouldn't be able to keep up with them because he's older. Now he tells me that I'm going to keep him young. I fully see marriage in the future but am not rushing things. I want my health to be a bit better than it is. And oh by the way, he does get the migraine thing and wants to wring the doctors neck for not helping me. He's a keeper.

Becky

Ivy, that's a wonderful story. You definitely give me hope that the online dating thing can work, and for someone my age too. Maybe it's the shallowness of the area I'm in, I don't see alot of cougars around here being successful (LOL, yep, Becky, I sure know what I cougar is, but the only successful one I see around here is Demi Moore ) I see alot of relationships the other way around, with older guys and much younger women. I spoke to a guy the other day in his 30s who's "lady" was 18. To each his own, I guess, but I kinda blanched at that one.

Anyway, I'm so glad for you and your hubby, Ivy. I hope I can experience that. Vicki, too What online dating service did you use, eHarmony or another one?

Estree, thanks, I am trying to listen to Hal. He makes me laugh, too.

Becky, I would not mind being a cougar. I like younger, and older guys. Their ages don't bother me, the only thing that bothers me is the idea that my age might bother them. I'll have to get over it, though!

Becky,

I have daughters older than you. However, I take them out to lunch and dinner and have a great time. If I am ever in your area, I would be honored to have dinner with you (even if your boyfriend came along).

Auntibubbs,

My oldest daughter is 35, the youngest 33. At 38, you are in the prime of your life. You are still young enough to have kids. You can probably wear out any guy, even a younger one. Remember, there are alot of guys around your age that are still looking for serious relationships. Just because the guys in your area might run after younger gals, once they catch one, they can't keep them. Age appropriate men really do not want a life with a teeny bopper. Those that are worth considering are looking for someone that has similar social upbringing, similar life experiences and similar ideas about the future. If they are looking for twenty year olds to jump in the sack with, they certainly are not worth considering.

Remember, be picky, you are worth it. Next time I go and visit my Dad in California, we have a date. You and that perfect guy. I'll bring my Aunt. She is a real antique, 83.

For sure, Hal, we have a date We know we have at least one thing in common!

AuntiBubbs,
the point is not online dating. It's too feel ready. I know that you're rationally ready, but maybe you're not ready uncounsciously. In the right moment that you will feel ready inside, you'll notice guys that you had never noticed before!

I work in a large company where 80% of the staff are men. It's full of still single guys or divorced men who are searching for a second opportunity. Many of them have tried to approach me during my 3 year of isolation, but I could not litterally see their courting and their interest in me!!!! Or, if someone was more adacious and openly invited me out, I could not find him of any interest because my mind was stuck somewhere (and on someone) else.

Talking about my beloved husband who now Mr. Perfection for me: I would have NEVER noticed or taken him into consideration two years before our first date. I would have considered him too young or too skinny or too tall or too....

I live in Europe and I was on a site called NIRVAM. I'm not sure it's also popular in the US.
In alternative there's also MEETIC, but I did not like it as it was less controlled and less moderated.
Nirvam is free for women here.

PM me directly if you want further info, I'd be glad to give you advice!!!! Vicki, same for you if you need an over-40 input

Hal,

You have a date.

Even if my bf came along, it would probably be fun. He's originally from TX and is a true southern gentleman. The "yes ma'ams" drive my mother crazy which I find hilarious. He was asking her about a recipe and she'd ask him a yes or no question and it was yes ma'am or no ma'am. Gotta love southern men.

Becky

Ivy, I see what you mean. I'm pretty sure though that my mind isn't stuck on someone else. It may be stuck on my own hangups, though.

Becky, LOL. That's so cute!