Spouses and Difficulty Accepting the Challenges of Chronic Migraines

I am seeking some guidance on how to help my Husband understand that my migraines are a disability and that me not working, not cleaning etc is not because I’m lazy but because I sick. I am sure that all of you chronic sufferers have had difficulties with this same problem in one form or another.

When my Husband and I got together nine years ago I was living life at a fast pace. I was advancing rapidly in my career and would work 10+ hr days then come home take care of my Husband, dogs, house, garden and still find time to see my friends make art and build my side business. I had a quick wit. I was vivacious, attractive, creative and fun.

Then, still in my 20’s severe daily migraines hit and everything, I mean everything changed. For almost three years now I haven’t been able to work, take care of my home and Husband and most importantly myself. I am literally a slip of my old self. I am mentally much slower and can’t keep up with my highly intelligent husband. I look awful (bad skin, 15lbs under weight, sloppy) and never feel well enough to do anything outside of the home with him and we certainly don’t have enough sex for him.

The first year I had the daily migraines my Husband and I went to see a couple’s therapist because he was having a hard time not being angry and resentful of me being sick and was taking it out on me. It helped a little but we couldn’t afford to go any more and we weren’t getting past the idea that my Husband was allowed to be frustrated but couldn’t take it out on me. He doesn’t think he is. He is a classic passive aggressive person; which couldn’t be more awful for me as I am a direct and confrontational communicator.

My Husband has had a terrible time understanding what it means to live the way I do. He is also not a caregiver type. I ask very little of him in terms of “favors” for me to try to lighten the load.

Before the migraines I was the head of household, I ran a tight ship. Now I can barely get up to take a shower which means that he has had to take on not only the financial responsibilities but also the household ones as well. He has not be able to adjust to this well and is really starting to loose it. I completely understand how hard this adjustment is as I've had to do it too and haven't done it that well myself.

Now it’s gotten worse. Instead of just huffing and puffing around the house and treating me coldly, he is now avoiding me and finds ways to not be at home. We have spent about two hours together in the past week and a half. He also finds ways to make me leave the living room when he wants me out by playing a loud action movie or video game.

Sadly, we are at a breaking point now and I fear the worst for my marriage. This isn’t working any more. As I said before I am a direct communicator and have tried to have open and honest conversations about how this affects him and myself and how he manages. He refuses to accept that I need more care and that I am not getting better yet. He also is having a hard time accepting that he cannot handle the stress and provide the care I need. That we both need help.

My very close and loving friend asked me to come stay with her for a few weeks to try to let things at home settle down a bit and so she could take care of me to let me get some energy back. When I talked to my husband about me going on the trip he said he didn’t understand why I couldn’t relax and reenergize at home and said, “I don’t see how you can leave for more than a week. I’d have to come home at lunch to walk the dogs.”

So this post is getting long but the questions I’d like to put out there are; have other people out there had problems with loved ones not being able to handle the life change? Have others had problems with their loved ones not understanding and did it get better? How have people gotten through to their loved ones about forgiving you for being sick?

Also, I am Jewish and secular at that so please understand that I am not interested in seeing the local pastor etc.

Well, first I am not going to tell you to see your pastor, etc...not my thing. But yes, I can so relate to this. Sometimes this disease can be isolating and lonely. Not just to be able to cope for yourself, but others seem to just drift away sometimes.

I have had migraines for 9years now. They started just after my honeymoon. For the first 2 years my hubby was understanding, and helpful, and caring. Then the resentment, and fear, and all the issues you are facing set in. We did see a therapist a few times, and the biggest thing that came out of that was that he HAD to listen to me. He actually wanted a divorce 2 years into the marriage. Here I am, all in pain and suffering, not getting the treatment I needed. Trying to make it through each day, trying to accept my limitations, and he wants a divorce????

Part of it was that this was not the life we envisioned. And honestly, you have to mourn that for a bit, then move on. He (and I am just gonna go here because I want to help) had an emotional affair. He met someone, it started as friendship, and she was everything I had been. (He even introduced us in the beginning, thinking we could be friends because we had a lot in common and that is where my suspicion started.) He did not even realize it was an emotional affair, and wouldn't admit that, until a therapist told him that is what it was.

I am still hurt by that, but I am past being mad at him about it. Looking back I understand why he did it. It was his way of having some normalcy. He found someone almost exactly like me to have fun with. I realized that I had to make some changes, hard as it was. I also realized that SO DID HE, if we were going to make it.

I started small. Just make an effort. I know this sounds stupid, but one thing I forced myself to do everyday was get up, take a shower, and get dressed. If that was all I could do, well, that was it, but at least I did that. Then I slowly moved on to some other things. Take a shower, start laundry. Eventually, my regimen included going out for a walk everyday the weather was permissable. I know what you are thinking. "How am I ever going to do that, I hurt, I can't even get out of bed." I know you are thinking that because I did too.

(If you get a chance I just posted a blog about this, and I don't know how to do the link thing sorry! )
[url=stephgood1.wordpress.com]steph's blog[/url]

You can get back on track. You can. I myself am proof of it. Yo uboth have to want to work, that is what it is going to take. We have been married almost 9 years. Just about two years ago we had our first (and probably only) child, and we are very strong and very close. I have never put a blog address on here before, but I think it might help you, so please try to check it out. You can always PM me if you need to. I have been in your shoes. Please take care.

Thank you Steph, I appreciate you reaching out and telling me about your experiences with your Husband's emotional affair and the path to rebuilding your relationship. I would be angry too. I am angry that my husband is unable to deal with the chronic migraines but honestly, I would be relived in some ways if he would ask for a divorce and admit he’s not happy with the person I am now instead of just being angry at me for it.
I sometimes feel that guys just don't have the same capacity to deal with set backs the way women do. Maybe it's in our DNA. No offence to the guys out there.
I am relived to hear that your husband was able to be honest with you and recognize what was going on for him and his emotional affair. It gives me hope that my husband will come out of denial at some point too. I just wish I had the resources to better deal with this.

I am so wishing you the best. It is not easy, and you are right, often Men take a different approach to, well, basically everything!!! I always felt like, yes, on top of raging headaches and everything else I am dealing with right now, YOU have to act up too??? LOL Is there any way he might be willing to get on this site, or any site and read some of the stuff people have written? Good Luck!

Hi-

I am sorry to hear about your struggles and the toll it is taking on your marriage.

I can relate to you in that when I met/married my husband I was a cheerleader, full-time Special Education teacher, long-distance runner, Cheer/Gymnastics Coach, Piano Teaher, Church Musician, etc. etc. and was going to have at least four children...Well, here we are twelve years later and I am literally a "shell" of the person I used to be. Most days I cant even leave the couch (which is a step up from being stuck in bed-lol!) and haven't worked for three years either. We can't have kids. We can't even attend Church hardly ever because of my health...(which is a whole other topic-to be honest-I don't even really WANT to go to Church anymore-Praise and Prayer is kind of a stretch for me anymore, it seems...)

So, I can relate...I do not have any words of wisdom or really any tidbits of knowlege to share with you...I just wanted to reach out and say that I understand and am with you in this place in this moment...

What I usually have to do is break the day up into three parts or even hour-by-hour...and say "Okay, for the past hour i did not have to go to the ER or I did not throw up, or I did not "bother' my husband with anything..." or whatever it is...and start from there. Kinda sounds silly, but on bad days and when I am suffering horribly, from depression or a full-blown migraine-its all I can do to get through it...

You are not alone,
Carlajo:)

Hi Rose, I wish I had some great answers for you, but mostly just a lot of empathy. My husband has also found my illness difficult and frustrating. It really got to him that I would come straight home from work and into bed pretty much every night. After several years of this, and no improvement no matter what I tried, he was pretty frustrated.

He also has a lot of difficulties adjusting accordingly,. I get very sound sensitive and slow with decision making when I have a migraine. Yet asking him not to talk so loudly is usually met with "I'm not talking loudly". Yes he always has a really loud booming voice, but it's more of a problem when I have a headache. Same with the TV volume He is very frustrated that my cognitive abilities are not what they were. I think that is the hardest for him to accept.

I think it is better now, since I don't have headaches nearly as often. But it still sometimes comes out when I do get them. The reality is that while we are the ones physically suffering, they are also suffering from the effect it has on their life as well as ours. Some people can adjust to that, and some can't.

I have to give him credit that he is trying more now to find ways to deal with my headaches. He sleeps in the other room when I have a headache so I get a good nights sleep (poor sleep is a trigger for me). That is a big sacrifice to him. We try to find ways to better communicate my headache level since he finds that difficult to ascertain, but I was loathe to tell him since he would react with anger and frustration.

At some level your husband has to come to terms with the situation and either accept it and make accommodations or leave. Making arrangements to do some things he enjoys without you (playing a sport or playing cards with guys) may help. But he has to work out his anger or it will back flow onto you which certainly won't help the headaches. His guilt over feeling the way he does over your illness likely does not help. It may be very difficult for him to comes to term with. If he wont talk about it and bottles up, then ultimately it can be really hard to resolve.

Yes, counseling may help. Or getting him to talk about it. Or the intervention of a neutral third party he is willing to talk to. But ultimately it will be up to him which is pretty hard to accept.
All you can do is try get better through whatever means you can. There are various options that are working for people - Botox, various vitamin supplements, bio identical hormones. if you have not tried these things, it is worth trying. None of us want to live this way forever and we cant give up.