Just an update on my son

Thanks to everyone for all your wonderful posts.

You all really helped me to get thru this situation and I will always be greatful for that.

I have been feeling so crappy lately between my head and my back that I knew I couldn't make that drive by myself.

My daughter might have gone with me but she would have to go without pay so I didn't think that was a good idea.

My ex and his wife really didn't think I needed to go because they were handling as much as he would let them and believe it or not, he was spending most of his time at friends houses and not at his Dad's.

But, that is what he does.

It is very hard to get him to listen to much of what you tell him.

So, I call him everyday (when I can get ahold of him) and handle whatever he wants me to.

Such as, calling the doctor for refills on his meds and then calling Walgreens so that I can pay for them because he isn't working.

He has been on Hydrocodone for the last 13 days and I have been trying to tell him that after that first week, he should try to space them out and use some OTC drugs because you never know if you will get another refill.

He says that he has to take two of them just to get out of bed in the morning and that his collarbone doesn't feel like it is in the right place.

He sees the doctor on the 29th so I told him to write down everything he wants to go over with him.

I know he is still in alot of pain, but I am trying to explain to him how you never know how generous any doctor will be with pain meds.

He called me this morning and told me that he would be out of meds tomorrow and wants me to call them on Friday (which will be 1 week since his refill and the nurse said they had to last a week) to see if they will at least give him enough to last til his appt on Monday.

I told him that I thought it would be better for him to call himself, but guess I will do it if he wants me to.

i am just afraid that they won't want to refill it again and he is so frustrated with the pain anyway, but I guess that's part of growing up.

Hubby thinks I need to stop doing for him and making him handle things on his own.

I know he is probably right, but it's hard for me to do.

He is getting scanned two hours prior to his appt, so I will let you know how those come out.

He says his lungs are doing much better, but his back, collarbone and ribs are still painful.

Told him to ask the doctor if Physical Therapy is needed for any of these injuries.

Wish he were here so I could make sure he got the appropriate care, but I know, I have to let go sometime.

Again, thanks to everyone for all the support.

Cindy

Thanks for the update, Cindy.

It's so hard when our kids are in pain. You are a great mother to do all of this for him and to be there for him. The worst is over and he will have to heal himself now.

Have a cup of tea, take a deep breath, and take good care of yourself now. You deserve it.

Angela

Thank you so much Angela for your post.

You knew just what I needed to hear to ease my mind.

Sometimes I wil wonder if I am to blame for some of the problems he has.

You know how you will start thinking back and questioning the way you handled some situations as a mother.

It just hurts me so much sometimes when I think about how really smart, capable, and so personable he is but unfortunately does not know how to use these attributes to better his life.

I guess all I can really do now is pray for him and trust that God will work things out in his time.

Thank you again Angela, I can't put into words how much your encouragement means to me.

Cindy

I know the urge wanting to do everything for our grown up kiddies - guilty guilty guilty.
But it really doesn't pay, in the end. They are not reciprocating at all! little brats, and they are not as responsible as they should be.
lolol I guess you can tell I suddenly went off bitter. yep. speaking of my own experience.

I am glad to hear your son is getting better Cindy.
But I think it IS better to step down and leave the Rx deals to him.
Let him learn. Perhaps he will even learn to appreciate what's it like to be a Mom with migs... eh? one never know...

Risa

Glad to hear that he's home and that's he is improving.
Thanks for the update.

Cindy,

I agree with Risa. Let him handle his RX's himself. It is so hard not to step in and "Mommy" our kids, but part of our job is to encourage them grow up and handle their lives, whether they like it or not.

I work with several High School students. It's very irritating when they have their parent come in and ask for days off etc. I hired the student, not their parent. When my son was in HS, I got chewed out for doing the exact same thing. My son's boss did not appreciate me interceding in any way.

Plus, if the nurse has any questions about the RX, you will not be able to answer them.

Please don't second guess yourself. Raising kids is a crap shoot. You do your best with what you've got and learn along the way.

Hugs to you.

I'm so glad you son is doing better, but he needs to be the one to call in his refills. If there are any questions, he needs to be the one to answer them. It also makes him take an active role in his health care which he needs to do to get better. You can be his support, voice of reason, and cheering squad, but the decisions ultimately need to be made by him.

((((hugs))))
Alli

Cindy,

Gosh, it feels like I have a string attached to my heart right to your situation. Your son sounds so much like mine and I feel the emotional tug even as I type.

You helped me so much with your words a while back. I hope you don't mind my chiming in again.

I agree with everyone else here. Your son has to call the doctor's office himself. First, so he can make that big step into adulthood. Second, so if there is ever a similar situation (not an accident but a reason to deal with a doctor) he will know how.

Since your ex-husband and his wife are closer to your son, you might want to defer to their wishes. If you coddle him, you will only be making their lives more difficult.

I so hope my words did not sting. I want you to know I would probably do exactly what you are doing if I was facing the same thing. I would hope someone would tell me the best way to handle things so I could be strong, though.

We have your back, as much as we can in a discussion forum. I know you know that.

All my best,
£eslie

Cindy,

Can I adopt you?

Hal

Thanks to you all for your posts.

You guys are right. I need to let him call for his own refills.

He called tonight to remind me to call them in the morning so I told him that he had to be responsible and do it himself.

Needless to say, he isn't very happy with me at the moment.

That's nothing new though.

Leslie: Thank you for your post. You are absolutely right that I need to force him to take care of his own healthcare. It is so easy to just do it for him, but isn't helping him to mature.

As far as his Dad and Step-mom, you are right. I probably do step on their toes at times and I need to watch that. I may not always agree with the decisions they make, but HE chose to move there so he will have to follow their rules and I need to be quiet.

You know that the two of us have been around here long enough that it won't bother me if you say exactly what you are thinking. Sometimes I need somebody to do that.

Anyway, thanks everyone, sometimes I need someone to give me a little push in the right direction.

I will let you all know how his appointment Monday goes.

Cindy

It is all very stressful. He has been catapulted into a new reality. I feel for all of you!

Cheryl

Cindy,

I cannot know what you are going through or how hard it is to watch your son go through this.

The others have given you sound advice that from a child's stand-point are so much more valuable. I have a mother that tries to do everything for me (I've had to put her at arm's length so she can't even try) but really wish that I could ask questions of her. Be there, but as a resource for your son. You've been dealing with doctors and medications for a long time. He's not always going to have you to rely on and needs to learn to do this.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Becky

Cindy,

You are my hero! It was a very brave thing for you to tell your son to do this himself.

I, too, was brought up by parents who would do everything for me. It took me a long time to grow up (well, I am still growing up). I wish they were strong enough to have said "no" to me more often.

I hope he gets some relief from his pain and his doctor is able to address his lingering concerns. I will keep my eyes open for your post about his appointment on Monday.

Can you imagine what your son would think knowing he has all these "mommies" here concerned about him? Maybe you can tell him someday, when he is well beyond this. ;-)

Love,
£eslie

Good for you Cindy! It's so hard to make decisions knowing that it will make someone angry at you.

I was raised to be very independent. My Dad was gone quite a bit so it was only Mom, my sister and I. Mom made me learn how to drive with a stick shift so that I would never have to rely on anyone else to drive me. When I had my learner's permit, driving my stick shift, she made me drive in downtown Chicago. I didn't take Home Ec in HS, I was make to take Auto Care so I could change my own flat tires, batteries etc. I also took work working. When there are handy-man chores around the house now, I do it. I'm much better at it then Hubby is.

I'm glad my folks raised me that way. In my marriage I'm in a position where I don't NEED anyone, but I'm lucky enough that I have someone around that I WANT.

It's always hard kicking the little birdies out of the nest. But that love we have for them is so overwhelming it's hard to not want to do things to make their lives easier. But, I don't think we do them any favors if we do it to much.

Thanks everyone for your posts and thinking of me.

Your posts made me stop and really think about how I really wasn't helping him at all.

Charlotte: I think it is so great that your parents made you so independant. My hubby has a masters in Computer Programming and has a high IQ but isn't one bit handy. Usually when my Mom and Dad visit, my Dad spends his time doing repairs on the house. I remember when we were first married, the pilot went out on the furnace. I ended up reading the instructions and doing it because he had no idea how to do it. And of course it never occurs to some men to READ instructions! He would kill me if he knew I told you that!

Leslie: Thank you for all the encouragement to do the right thing. I really needed that. Believe me that if my son knew about his cyber "Mommies" I know exactly what he would say, and it couldn't be repeated here!

I will post tomorrow after I hear from him. His appointment is at 1:45 but he also has to have a chest x-ray so I don't know how long it will take.

Thanks to everyone!!

Cindy

Cindy,

Tuff Love is tuff on both sides. Yes, we men pride ourselves on doing it first and then reading the directions.

I raised my two daughters by myself and I raised them to be independant. Their husbands love me I warned them. They also have a strong moral and Christian background. Enough said.

I am glad to hear that you seem to be making it ok. It is much harder on moms than the kids realize, but they will realize some day.

Hal

Just when you think that your not important in their life anymore, they throw a curve ball and you suddenly realise that "mummy" is still of importance.
Mine are both mid twenties and showing same symptoms of my health problems. My daughter was just about to start anti-depressants, my son doing the lets try no lactose, no gluton trip, when I had a bit of a break through finding the hashimotos.
Now neither are doing anything because "mummy" will sort the whole mess out.
I have to say I love it though. Just a tad of pressure!!! But to know they are quite happy to for mummy to "sort things out" for them even at their age is lovely.

My Mom raised me to be independent also. I grew up with the attitude that there wasn't anything I couldn't do if I put my mind to it. That doesn't mean I do all things well! but I can do a lot. When I was married I did all the home repairs, the books, the parenting, etc. My ex was just hopeless with anything that didn't have to do with music or his job. I have a three time rule. I ask three times, then I do it myself. Then I would get the" oh I was going to do that" Really? when? I got tired of waiting for hell to freeze! His mother wiped his.... till he was in his 40's!

The best thing we can do for our children is to teach them to be adults. Take responsibility for themselves and try to do your best in life. It is hard to step back and make them stand on their own but they will thank you for it later. My biggest battle with my ex was letting the kids expand as people and not keep them too sheltered. I am so proud of how they turned out. They've had their challenges but come through them without whining or blaming others for their mistakes.

I know your son will grow through this. He has a big challenge ahead of him and he has choices to make on how to deal with them. Being there for him is the best you can do but make him take responsibility for the choices that need to be made.

(((Hugs)))
Alli

Just talked to my son a couple of hours ago.

The doctor says the chest x-ray looks good and his lungs are healing nicely.

His collarbone is doing well too.

The doctor told him that he will always have a bump on it but that it will slowly go down in size.

At first the bump was the size of a baseball, but he says it has decreased in size by about half.

The doctor thinks his back will be the only injury that may have a lasting effect on him.

He is sending him to a doctor closer to him for follow-up and possibly physical therapy for that.

They did refill his pain meds, but told him to space them out and if he needs any more, he will have to ask the doctor they are sending him to.

He says that he isn't even having to take them everyday anymore but that sometimes sleeping is impossible without them.

So, things are looking up and he seems to feel much better about things.

Thank you so much for all your advice and support.

I love you all!!

Cindy

Great update!
I'll bet you are relieved, just as we are along with you

Risa

Such good news! I'm glad he is healing well and able to taper the pain meds. Having had numerous injuries and surgeries myself, I know that bedtime is when the pain can really catch up to you so having to use them at night is pretty common. He sounds like he is doing so much better and I hope that his back doesn't give him too much trouble. With the resiliency of youth, hopefully he will pop back as good as new.

Alli

Cindy-
Thats great.
And I bet even tho he was irritated with you for not calling ini the RX at first, he feels liberated a little now that he got things handled in an adult manner, via adult conversation with a doctor-by himself. Eventually this will feel better to him than being assisted.

And it is not to say that you made errors in parenting....sometimes, when our kids are such that they need a little extra help...we, give a little extra help. That's maternal and loving and normal. And for it to go too far or too long is also even somewhat normal. I guess what I'm saying is, your son may still be looking to you because you always gave SO MUCh support....but he needed that then. It's just that now begins a time to phase that out.

I just don't like to hear you looking back and saying you question weather you may have been a bad parent. You speak of your son with such love and admiration....and kids can be difficult (some much more than others) Do not blame yourself...only look at how you can be the strongest support for the now...the "adult" child

Your a good mom and your son is very lucky!

You speak of your son with such love and admiration..

And that is the key. I always wonder what I did "right". Throughout my eldest sons life he had a upheaval. HIs younger brother was handicapped and quite a bit of attention was focused on his needs. Weekly OT, PT and SP at various offices followed with daily OT, PT and SP at home. Plus I was working part-time and for 2 1/2 years going to school. I was running in a million different directions.

When my son grew up I asked him how he managed. He said for one thing he didn't know any better. And for the other thing, he always knew he was loved.

Cindy,

What great news! I bet your son will not remember this as a major turning point in his life (the sticking up for himself at the doctor,not the accident). You'll remember it but he'll forget it and that's the way it's supposed to be!

I do hope he continues healing and surpasses the doctor's predictions.

With love,
£eslie

I really don't think I could ever write enough or come up with the appropriate wording to ever express to all of you who posted just what your words meant to me.

This situation with my son has been gut wrenching for me at times and your posts have just helped me so much.

Thank you Jess for saying I am a good Mother.
There are times that I second guess myself and it means so much to hear someone say that. You have been so kind in trying to figure out some of the issues my son has and offer your wisdom in dealing with them. I thank you so much for that.

Alli, you too really have great wisdom and I do so appreciate you sharing it with me. Sounds like you have done a wonderful job with your kids. You are always there to offer support when someone needs you and I can't thank you enough for helping me thru this.

Dear Leslie, we have both been here for a long time and seen lots of situations and changes go on here. I really appreciate the fact that you have always been there when I needed you to be. Don't ever worry about speaking your mind to me. You have alot of wisdom that to me, would not be as valuable if you tried to sugar coat it. Thank you, you are a dear friend.

Cheryl, you are another dear friend that has been here along time and never fails to offer your support when I need it. We are so lucky to have you here. I know you must be very busy, but you always take the time to comfort any one of us here that ever needs it. Thank you for that.

Angela, you also called me a great Mom and I so appreciate that. At the time I really needed that reinforcement that I had done something right.

Risa, thank you for your wonderful support, you are another one that has been here as long as I can remember and you are always there to say a kind word and offer any support you can. Thank you so much for that.

Ivey, thanks so much for all your kind words and support. It means so much to me.

Becky, thank you for being one of several to point out to me that I cannot continue to do for my son or he will not mature and learn to handle lifes issues for himself. I really needed to hear that.

Marion, I agree that it does feel good when our grown kids ask for our help because it does make us feel loved and wanted and we need that. My problem has been that I tend to do too much and then he doesn't learn to do things on his own. There has to be some balance there and I think I kind of lost it for awhile.

Hal, thanks for your kind words and I sure hope I didn't offend you when I said men don't tend to read the instructions, I certainly didn't mean to. I think it is wonderful that you taught your children to be self sufficient and raised them with a strong moral and christian background. I was raised that way and tried to instill some of that in my children because I know that even though they will stray from these things, if that has been their foundation, they will always return to it.

I went back to my original post about the accident and want to thank Richard, mgb, Lovegia, Olee, Ruth, theresae, ajr, mianna, Chris, Pen, Brenda, Angela, estr004, Kimsmom, and Di. You all have been incredibly supportive and offered such words of wisdom and kindness. Thank you so much for all your posts. They mean the world to me.

If I missed anyone, please forgive me, I just wanted to let each and every one of you know how much you mean to me.

Thanks again.

Cindy