Help! I need advice!

Hi everybody,

I am in need of advice. In July I agreed to look after my best friends young and bouncy Labrador for 3 days while she was on holidays. She is my friend and despite my 2 kitties being less than pleased I took on the challenge. The dog was a handful, but I promised I'd look after her so I did my best and made sure she was fine. One morning I let the dog out onto my terrace when disaster struck. She squeezed herself behind some heavy and tall planters and the garden wall, knocked them over and it all came crashing down onto my decking in the process breaking more planters and damaging the sub structure of the deck. The terrace looked like a bomb site with the doggy sitting innocently in the middle of it all licking the broken pots.

I called my friend on holiday. She was embarrassed, apologized profusely and promised to pay for any damage. I had no reason to believe otherwise. We are very close, one of her sons is my godson and I love the girl and her family. I have invested more into this friendship than in any other. She recently separated from her husband (who is also a really good friend to my husband since before we even met) and both my husband and I nursed them though their ugly separation.

Now 3 month later all the repair works to the terrace have been finished and I presented her with the bill. Boooom!!!Total meltdown!!! She informed me that her insurance isn't likely to pay and that she "doesn't have that sort of money" (all her 4 children are in private education and the family is off on foreign holidays at least 5 times a year). How could I drop this on her head out of the blue? Why is this so expensive and anyways, how could her "puppy" inflict such damage in the first place? So basically now she even doubted that her dog did it and all. All of a sudden her fully grown bouncy Labrador who has no problem knocking me over is referred to as a "puppy" who couldn't possible knock over my planters. She also tried to blame my garden contractors for faulty work on my terrace. I was speechless. Cue a flurry of really unpleasant e-mails in both directions. Now silence.

My emotions are red hot fury, sadness, anger, rejection and disappointment all at the same time. Please help! What do I do?

A rather desperate

Petzi

Why wouldn't her insurance pay for it?

It's always surprising to me how ugly people can get money is involved. I can't believe someone would be willing to let a debt be more important than a friendship.

Even if you decide to pay for it yourself in order to salvage the friendship I fear the friendship has been irrepairably harmed. I'm not sure you would ever be fully able to trust her again. I would have difficulty opening up to someone who reneged on a promise because they felt $$ was more important than responsibility.

You're between a rock and a hard place.

(and I've had lab puppies. I have marks on my wall five feet up!! They're doggie tornadoes!)

Petzi,
Maybe the insurance rules over there are different to Australia, but over here I would have to claim on my house and contents insurance, and if my insurance company thinks they can get anything out of the dog owner, they would chase the money.

However I know that my insurance company would say the same thing as your friend, "how can a puppy cause structural damage to the patio". You will have to really push the issue that big pots fell over - even then I think you might find it hard.

How long ago was it built - you may have recourse against the builder. Even heavy pots shouldn't cause structural damage. Point out to him that it could well have fallen apart with a person standing there who could have been injured. He might come to the party.

my husband who is a builder said how high up above the the decking were the pots to have fallen onto it rather than just fallen over onto it and what was the quality of the substructure you had paid for, how thick was the wood in the substructure?

Gee, did you take any pictures of the damage? Probably not. I'm sure you didn't anticipate any problems recouping the money to fix the problem.

I don't know how you can get your friend to pay for this. My only advice is if she doesn't, you will have to make a decision between forgetting about it or ending the friendship.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Petzi

Thanks for all your posts and the useful suggestions. I will look into all of them.
Luckily, I took plenty of pictures of the damage (with the so called "puppy" sitting right in the middle of it).

I agree with Charlotte that the friendship is probably damaged for good. The trust is gone. Whoever will pay for the damage will forever be resentful? I do not forgive and forget. It is not in my nature.

I have learned a couple of things out of this:
1. No more favors.
2. No dogs or kids in my house.
3. My only true friend is my husband

Love

P.

Petzi,

I guess a lot of it depends on your local regulations. What I'd tell you might only apply to the States.

As for your friendship...probably ruined unless said friend grows up and enters the adult world. I'm dealing with a similar situation. Someone who was supposed to be my friend, decided to flee her responsibilities and left me holding the bag. Still dealing with it but she's proven I can't trust her.

Please don't give up on having other friends. That statement made me very sad... your only true friend is your hubby. I know it's hard to let others in after being taken advantage of but please don't give up. Trust is something that you don't readily give, it does have to be earned. A true friend is willing to earn that trust.

You know Petzi , to be objective the responsibility who pays is 50- 50 because

1. while the puppy belongs to your friend, it was you who was supposed to look after it.
Have your friend were at your house with the puppy when it happened, then the responsibility was 100% hers.

But wasn't the whole point of the puppy to be at your house for YOU to look after it??

2. while the puppy indeed did the damage, how much your friend should be charged for it is not actually how much is it gonna cost NOW to replace the wall and the rest,
because this way you could demand the wall of 24 carat gold to be put in now, you get the idea?

I have watched enough Judge Judy and People Court to learn one can not demand whatever price one wants for the damages after they happen - there is a limit for that.

The assessment is usually based on what the actual cost of the debated thing was at the time of the damage,
taking under consideration the wear and tear that normally happens with passing time,
and which always affects the price - negatively, unfortunately in majority of cases.

If for example your dry cleaner damaged your Gucci jacket you bought for 1200 bucks two years ago,
no judge is gonna award you $1200 back - no way, no how you'll be getting back all money but a fraction of that
as after two years it's not the same brand new jacket anymore.

I am so very sorry about this unpleasant incident none the less.
Your friend definitely weaseled out of her responsibility - no ifs or buts.

Perhaps there is one last chance to discuss the whole matter if you approach her with this 50-50 offer?
If not, I would resign from such weasly person's friendship.


Risa

Risa,

trust me we have been looking after the dog. My husband and I went on what feels like 567 endless walks with her. We babied her and showered her with love and attention. The dog probably thought this was a luxury mini-break, because at home I know for a fact that she doesn't get this sort of VIP treatment. We love animals and did anything we could to make her feel at home. Should I have tied her down to avoid any possible damage to my house? Certainly not. It would have been very cruel to the dog. Even after the whole disaster happened we didn't throw her out or punished the animal in any way. We stayed true to our promise and even looked after her longer than was originally agreed. I always keep my promises, no matter what. To suggest that we did not look after the dog properly only adds insult to injury.

Regarding the 50-50 idea:
My husband and I are split over who pays what. He is in testosterone mode and wants to take it all the way while I am willing to pay everything ourselves just to not have this unpleasantness in my life. I am not in a good place at the moment. My life is so stressful at the moment that I can barely cope. I need this fight as much as I need a verucca on my foot.

No, we have not embellished the terrace. We put it back as it was originally. The terrace is only 2.5 years old and it is a beautiful thing to behold. I spend a lot of time out there pruning my box plants with a ruler and nail scissors to get everything looking just so. Just before the dog incident we had the deck sanded and re oiled. Now after the builders left we had to do it again, because after the repair works it looked terrible. Please don’t blame the builders again. They protected the deck with thick Corex panels, but the heavy traffic over 3 weeks ruined the newly applied surface.

Heeler,
I have yet to come across a person who fits the idealized description of a friend besides my husband. But then he is my husband after all. With friends all is hunky dory as long as things are going well, but as soon as things are getting difficult out comes an ugly side. Of course I will continue to let people into my life, but I will be very careful not to get sucked into expecting too much of them.

Love P.

To suggest that we did not look after the dog properly only adds insult to injury.

Petzi,
because, understandably, you are upset and also I might not have expressed myself in the best way is why you are jumping to conclusions as never and nowhere I suggested you weren't looking after the dog properly.
Oh nonono.

I simply meant since the dog was in your care at the time, and only in your care, the owner can not be held solely responsible. As simple as that.
Being the owner of formerly two and now one dog I know only too well it can take only a second for disaster
to strike, especially with a rambunctious puppy, even under the watchful eye.
I hope that clears the whole misunderstanding.

Now, about the cost of the rebuilding the wall - again, for the clarity - I am by no means a law expert, but,
once again - am just relaying what I saw on many many Court TV shows.
And based on what I seen, I don't feel you should pay everything yourself, but 50% of what the wall was worth at the time of the accident and your friend remaining 50% - may I remind you that's what I learned from the Court TV, not what's my personal opinion is, please. (I can of course be mistaken as this is a wall, not a clothing item or such).
perhaps it would best to inquire a real attorney?
However, if you didn't take pictures of the damaged wall I am not sure what your chances are.
And if you have chances in court (If you'd like to take to court) at all since there is matter of proof it was the puppy who did it.
But, who knows, you'll never know if you don't ask a professional.

Whether or not your friend will agree to pay, is another, curious matter.
I'll keep my fingers crossed she'll come to her senses and pay what she owes.
Good luck Petzi.

Risa

No good deed goes unpunished.

Apparently that's how it is!



P.

How are the things, Petzi?

Have you reached any amicable agreement with your friend, or decided to sue,
or decided to let it be a lesson (albeit, ouch, costly) and dropped the whole thing?

I was thinking about you and this whole unfortunate business, and am rethinking my position as I was thinking what if you were babysitting a kid - then who is responsible for a damage done a babysit-ted children?

I think it's best decided by a real attorney, or someone other with a degree in law and real court experience..

Risa

Risa,

Thanks for thinking of me.

My friends husband (the separated one) got involved now because communications have broken down. He understands our standpoint and complained that stuff like this is always left to him to sort out. He promised to look into it again and wanted to get back to us. So far we have not heard from him. We also told him that we are happy to come to some sort of agreement should the insurance not pay. So far nothing.

Tomorrow I will probably meet my friend at another friends birthday lunch. Let's see what happens there. I hope she is not hoping to discuss this issue there and then. I feel whatever needs to be said has already been said plus I don't want to spoil the birthday lunch for the others.

We have not decided what to do about this. We paid the landscape gardener and the other trades involved. I pushed this to the back of my mind as I have so much going on at the moment that I just want to crawl under a rock and refuse to come out again. I guess we will wait for what the husband has to say and decide there and then.

Love,

P.

Good news everybody!

My friend and I have kissed (well not really - we hugged) and made up. She pays for the damage and reassured me that she would never ruin our friendship over something like this. She said she was just taken by surprise about the actual amount and needed to digest the news.

I am so glad. I nearly cried.

Heeler you where right. There are real friends out there.

Hurrah!

P.

am very pleased petzi, it shows how important it is to forgive and find out that friendship is far more important than any amount of money!! well done

Oh, I'm so happy for you Petzi! Good friends are so valuable!

Petzi,

One time I'm glad to be right. So happy that it worked out.

Just when I thought this drama had passed my friend sent a brief e-mail pointing out that she is not going to pay for the damage after all because she has no "legal obligation" to do so.

I am not upset or disappointed anymore. I knew what she is like when it comes to money. Her ruthlessness when it comes to finances was a one of the main reasons why her marriage faltered. I don't know why I was even surprised. Her husband was an investment banker and earned a fortune during their marriage, but he could not earn it fast enough for her to spend it all. Despite his massive income at the end of the marriage there was nothing left. She has never worked in her live and doesn't know what it takes to earn money. Despite spending prodigious amounts on herself she has always been tight with money and likes to keep a score. She is definitely a taker and not a giver.

I am over this. I will leave this issue with my husband who can't wait to let rip.

Sorry guys! For one moment I believed in a happy ending, but it was not meant to be.

Petzi,

So sorry.

dont let it get to you and give you a bad head, sometimes you just have to give things up for your own health!

my friend sent a brief e-mail pointing out that she is not going to pay for the damage after all because she has no "legal obligation" to do so.

If you have documentation, I'm afraid she most certainly does.

And her email is an admission from her personally that you indeed baby sat her dog an the dog did in fact, cause the damage.
So for court purposes you do have admission of guilt. Don't ever erase it.
If you have more written exchanges between you two, the better.

The only issue with the judge would be - how much she owe you.


Risa

Thank you for all your comments.

As I said I am over it. She wasn't deserving of my friendship. She thinks she doesn't have a legal responsibility to pay for this, but she is well aware that she has a moral one.

A similar scenario happened to me with my estranged mother. She owed me a significant amount of money and promised to repay me. I had her on the phone for over an hour waxing lyrical about how important it is to her to repay this debt and elaborately wrote down my bank details. That was the last time I ever heard from her. I never received the payment. She decided it was more important for her to keep the money than to continue a relationship with her only daughter. Don't feel sorry for me. I was glad as it made it easy for me to sever all ties. She was my mother in a biological sense, but nothing more.

The same scenario happened with this friend. The emotional "love" declaration, the promises etc. but when it is actually time for action they both could not do it and would rather let me down.

P.

Petzi,

You are right - best to move on. I have a similar issue. A former roommate owes me a bunch (I took her to court and won) and has skipped the state and is trying to hide to avoid paying it. We have a court date next week (she's in contempt of court) and I doubt she'll show. I guess I did what I've done to not let her walk all over me. But when it comes to repaying her debt, it's more the principle of the matter than the actual money for me.

I'm sorry this is the second person that has done this to you but you are better off without either of those people in your life. There are many other good people out there that are worth it.