How many have considered suicide?

I've had thoughts like that when I've been in the middle of a thumping migraine plus a depression episode. I think the migraine brings on the other. But as soon as I think about my kids (especially my son), I snap out of it. But I worry one day I won't.

Just thought I'd add that some of the commonly used preventatives used in migraine have been associated with an increase in suicidal thought. Are you taking any preventatives? It may be worth doing a bit of research on them. From personal experience withdrawing from pregabalin made me feel things I'd never felt before or since.

Amy

I've had some very dark thoughts this week, not suicide, I couldn't because of my children but thoughts that things would be better if I wasn't here. It's the being a burden to others bit that bugs me the most I think. And that I can't see light at the end of the tunnel at the moment.

I used to feel normal between migraines but recently I don't even feel that. They are so relentless, I don't have time to come to.

Can't believe I'm saying all this, I haven't even told my husband how I feel.

Thanks
Liz

Just thought I'd add that some of the commonly used preventatives used in migraine have been associated with an increase in suicidal thought.

Good point Amy. I probably should have mentioned that I had the very strong suicide ideations while on Topamax. I hate to be a drug basher...Topamax is miracle drug for so many of you. I wouldn't want to put anyone off trying it because of my experience.

But, it would have been very valuable for my family and I to know that that was a possible side effect of the drug rather than being mis-diagnosed as bi-polar for two years and the heart ache that multiple anti-psychotics I was put on caused.

This is where this forum is so important, to share individual experiences.

Charlotte

I have, and I have no problem admitting it now.

You said something interesting...you haven't even told your husband how you feel....this is what we do isn't it. We don't tell people what we are feeling. Why is that I wonder? We don't want them to worry? We're concerned about what people will think of us? Shame? Or, could it be that we are afraid of making it real to ourselves?? Saying it makes it real.

I don't always tell Hubby when I'm in my "dark space". He gets so worried and hovers like crazy.

Charlotte

I also don't always tell my husband everything because then he does worry and hover more.............right now we have struck a pretty good balance - I text him several times a day while he is at work to let him know how things are going but he does know that I don't always tell him everything. I have one wonderful friend who allows me to vent as needed and that is a wonderful gift she gives to me!

alli wrote:I've considered it, even to the point of planning how to do it, but I couldn't leave my children. No matter how bad I felt, I could not cause them that kind of pain.

Alli

yes that has been me in the past, thats when i found this forum, thank god.

When I'm desperate I talk to the friend I've chosen as my "confidant". I could never have gone to my wife and like the rest of you don't give the full picture to those closest to me. I don't think it's shame or anything like that but it's a way of protecting those people who are most important to us.

If I had gone through with the plans I had made it would have caused terrible hurt and, being blunt, I don't think that I can hide that pain from people close to me and then cause so much more pain by ending it all.

John

I'm going to tell you, and the forum, how I truly feel about this. For me, in the end, I feel it would be liberating for those who have to always help me due to my situation. I've given this some thought. In the beginning it would hurt them. Yes. But, time absolutely heals things. My son, having migraines himself, would, in the end, understand. And be free of my needs. I truly feel this. Having said this, I have no plans, in the near future, to do anything. I, like I think most of you, haven't let go of hope. Whether hope is just denial who knows. Perhaps both.

Have to admit the thought has certainly crossed my mind. And then I think of my husband finding me and having to tell my daughter and grandsons, then I think it would be a terrible selfish act.

Never really planned how to do it, I never thought that deep on it. I have to believe that one day I will wake up and these monsters will be gone....

Having said this, I have no plans, in the near future, to do anything. I, like I think most of you, haven't let go of hope. Whether hope is just denial who knows. Perhaps both.

Thank you Gailgigi for adding that. My heart was in my stomach when I read the first part.

I do think my family would "understand", but I don't think they would ever get past the sadness of losing me in that manner and missing me.

Hugs,

Charlotte

A friend of mine lived with her mother when her baby was first born. Her son was just a month old. Her mother was an alcoholic, in and out of rehab and very depressed. She was going through a divorce. Granted she wasn't a migraneur but she was suffering badly and you could see it every time you looked in her eyes or heard her voice.

One day my friends boyfriend (the father of the baby who lived with the family) woke up and walked into the kitchen...started screaming for my friend. My girlfriend walked in on her mother bleeding out on the floor after stabbing herself in a couple of her arteries..her mother was still alive but dying on the floor. (Her mother was a nurse and knew exactly where to do it)

That memory will stay in her mind forever and so will the memory of cleaning up the mess. I'm sorry to be gruesome but suicide is such a horrible thing to witness and it is a truly terrible thing to do to your family. If I were alone in life I may have concidered it but I have loved ones who I would hurt deeply and just for that reason I would never do that to them.

Having it cross the mind during those bad times is normal.....the occasional "God it would be better to just end it all"
But they should be passing thoughts in desperate moments that you realize as way out of line once things settle a bit. If they are more seriouse than that you should talk to a medical professional about them because you are not getting the medical help you deserve!!!!

I am wishing you well. I know you said you don't have any plans or anything...so thats good. But still....if these thoughts continue, please talk to someone other than us. Suicide is devasting to those around you. It is a mistake and a forever mistake.
You are worth whatever extra care people are needing to give you!!!

Having had migraines for almost 40 years, I have certainly thought of suicide many times.Add to that increased pain and illness from undiagnosed Celiac disease and then Lyme disease and it has gotten scary. I think my friends and family (not clueless husband) understand my language when I need help. When I start saying things like please chop off my head, do you have a sharp ax, orI wish I would just die and get it over with, they need to step in. Luckily, with short courses of anti-depressants and extra support, it has passed. I actually did take way too much Tylenol hoping it would help or kill me, when I was in my early twenties. I just felt really sick!

Gailgigi, Dont ever let things get so bad that you truly believe that your son would be OK with killing yourself. My best friends Mother killed herself when she had a recurrance of breast cancer. My friend was in her 40's at the time and she still hasnt gotten over it. She is about to go on anti-depressants after 4 years of trying to cope. Intellectually, survivors understand, but the heart does not. When you are feeling the dark overtaking you, tell someone who will do something you are unable to do for yourself. Usually, a better place is around the corner, even if it seems like a long wait. I do understand your pain.
Hugs,
Cindy

OK. About 10 years ago, when I was having worse and worse migraine. My IBS was chronic, I had CFS and my thyroid was out of whack..
I dreamed I did it. I had it planned. I told my husband the next day what stopped me in my tracks on waking.
I had in the dream gone to say goodbye to my children. And he had said, "but you cant". And of course I couldn't.
He and I discussed it that morning. He said he totally understood, and that there are worse things than dying and that much pain must be one of them.

I have been very low since and often think death might be preferable.
But if I cant hug my kids (and now grandkids) one more time and say good bye, then I know I have to somehow hold it together and live on.

BTW I did find out that the thyroid was exacerbating much of the problem.
Everyone with migraines should at least get their thyroid checked, and not go by the dr scale, check it on line.
The gate is far too wide and thousand of people, especially women are going untreated because drs dismiss them as normal.
Check out Mary Shomon.

After I had that treated some, I got out of the trough. I have never been that bad again.
Never actually contemplated suicide since then. Not with a real intent anyway.

sherri b wrote:Have to admit the thought has certainly crossed my mind. And then I think of my husband finding me and having to tell my daughter and grandsons, then I think it would be a terrible selfish act.

Never really planned how to do it, I never thought that deep on it. I have to believe that one day I will wake up and these monsters will be gone....

My sentiments exactly, sherri b. Ditto to all you said. Keep the hope.

Becky

I've often had the "what is the point in living a life like this?" thought but I've never actually considered suicide.

I'm only in my 20's and already I have seen people die who were either much to young to go, or would have done anything to stay alive. I couldn't do it to my family and friends.

NOT that I am judging those who have said they have considered it. Not at all.

Dear Gailgigi, I hope that you have close people that you can talk to and confide in. If you are thinking about suicide please confide in somebody. Call a hotline, call a hospital, talk to somebody.

Yes, I have thought about it b/c my migraines got unmanageable and my medications were not working well. Also, I had not adapted to the increase in the number of migraines I was getting. I felt like I was mostly in pain and I didn't so much want to end my life as I wanted the pain to end. I chose to tell three people and in so doing I turned myself around and made a concerted effort to "choose life". I actually scared myself b/c I had a plan. But I moved away from that to a much better place.

I hope that you can get to a better place. Please do talk to somebody in person. Wishing you well. And please keep using us here to vent.

I don't think I have...I get angry, I get sad, I feel helpless...but never do I want to kill myself. If you feel that way, please get some help...there are studies that show people who suffer from migraines are prone to depression. Please seek immediate help if you feel that way.

Dawn

We need to also be careful, some of the preventatives, like antidepressants can actually cause suicidal thoughts.!

I have already admitted that I have thought of suicide as an answer to my pain.

I have also planned my own suicide, and even cleaned up my office and home in preparation (in the past). This is scary because I was not depressed during those times, I was in pain.

My brother, a chronic migrainer with rheumatoid arthritis, died at age 26. We were told by the police that it looked like a suicide. For over a year we waited for an autopsy report, struggling with the fact that he left this world by choice.

I found peace in believing that he was free of his physical pain, whether it was by his own hand or not. I went through the entire grief process confused and unknowing.

In the end, we got an autopsy report with cause of death “unknown”. None of his medications were above what they should have been and all the tests were inconclusive.

For me it let my heart rest, and believe that his body just stopped working. I’ll never know though.

I do know that I forgave him day after day when I was going through my grief, as I knew the pain he was suffering.

I’m not saying suicide is the right choice, as I firmly believe we should do all we can to live the lives we want for ourselves, but a part of me understands and forgives when a person in pain takes this route. It's also one of the reasons I advocate for doctors to be more open to treatment options for patients in pain.

Milo your much stronger than me to be able to write about your brother. Just tried to write about my fathers suicide and can't post it. He died 28 years ago and it still upsets me terribly.

So, I would like to point out that suicide shatters the lives of those left behind.

It's a cope out to think that "after a while" they'll forgive me and get on with their lives.

Whether we forgive or not doesn't alter the fact that for years we think "wasn't I enough to stay for?"

"Was I worth so little to him that he couldn't discuss this with me?"

Dad's best friends marraige went and I believe he still wanders the world. His wife loosing the love of her life. The ripples spread by his actions continue, his friend just one caught up in the mess.

He convieniently forgot his responsiblities with the excuse that noone would miss him.

I do understand the pain some people suffer with, but if suicide truly becomes the only option, then give the ones who love you some respect and plan it with them. There are countries where it is legal.

thankyou for this response. You sound like a very empathic person.