You Know Your Are A Real Californian If:

* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.

* You were born somewhere else.

* You know how to eat an artichoke.

* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.

* Your car has bullet-proof windows.

* Left is right and right is wrong.

* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

* Your mouse has only one ball.

* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.

* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.

* You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.

* You drive to your neighborhood block party.

* Your family tree contains "significant others."

* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.

* You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.

* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.

* More than clothes come out of the closets.

* When "the Dead" are best live.

* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

* More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.

* Smoking in your office is not optional.

* You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

* When you can't schedule a meeting because you must "do lunch."

* Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.

* Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.

* You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.

* You consult your horoscope before planning your day.

* A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.

* When all highways into the state say: "no fruits."

* All highways out of the state say: "Go back."

* Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

* You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

* Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

* You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

* You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

* You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

* A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

* A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

* Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U. S.

* A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.

* Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

* Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

* Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag

* It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

* You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 pm Tae Bo class.

* You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

* The Terminator is your governor

* You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

Too funny, Richard!!!

I'll have to see if I can find the ones I've read for "Montanans".

Becky

Never did see "The Dead" live, but I did walk home from Junior High School on the other side of the street from Phil Lesh's mother's house. Also Pigpen once showed my father his new motorcycle and looked at our above ground pool in the backyard.

Love it Richard! Thanks for letting us have more than one choice, I couldn't make up my mind.

Here some for Illinois. The first one is my commentary

You know your from Illinois if:

1. 3 of the former governors since 1973 have served or are serving prison time for corruption. And another is currently awaiting trial.

2. You've never met any celebrities.

3. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

4. You know how to pronounce "Des Plaines"

5. You measure distance in minutes.

6. You know several people who have hit a deer (some multiple times!).

7. Your school classes were cancelled because of cold.

8. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

9. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.

10. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

11. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

12. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

13. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

14. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

15. You know where the Yoder's live.

16. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to town I wanna go with."

17. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

18. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

19. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

20. You carry jumper cables in your car.

21. You know what "cow tipping" is.

22. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

23. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

24. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

25. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

26. Your first job was "detassling".

27. You think Chicago is a completely different state than Illinois.

28. You think that deer season is a national holiday.

29. You don't pronounce the "S" in Illinois.

30. You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly".

31. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

32. You know if another Illinoisn is from southern, middle or northern Illinois as soon as they open their mouth.

33. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 of more.

34. You can locate Illinois on a map.

35. You drink "pop".

I was actually born here - in Hollywood. But I couldn't stand southern CA. Moved north as soon as I could. As I'm sure Richard can verify, there are many Californias.

Chris

Chris..you're right.....there are 2 California's.......and I've lived in both now.

I was born and raised in the North...and have now returned.

I lived in So.Calif. and felt like I was in a different state.

I'd like to get more north than I am now.....or even OUT OF state!

I'm a native and have lived my whole life in the same 35 mile area near SF. I could go further North but I won't go South. It's like a different country down there! I have family in Redding and San Diego so have covered the whole state and would love to be able to live in the mountains but alas... no jobs.

I have to admit that I absolutely love living on my mountain top. Two major cities within 3 hours drive, many smaller cities closer to home, and MANY huge flea markets. What more does a guy need? LOL Except maybe a parking space in San Francisco now and then. Thank goodness I know where the "gond ones" are hidden in many neighborhoods.

Very funny funny funny, California an Illinois

I would love to live in hot California, it's my dream!
one that will never happen in this lifetime but I will make sure if I ever reincarnate it will be somewhere HOT and HEALTHY! and HAPPY!

Risa