Toxic friends

In some areas I'm a tough old broad, in others a door mat. Aarrrgghhhhhh.

I've had a friend since 1981. We drifted for awhile but got really close again six years ago when his spouse died. He, hubby and I used to go out to dinner several times a week, even did weekend trips together.

Then his adult daughter divorced and moved back in with her young daughter. Now when we go out it's the five of us, not the three of us. Conversation is totally different due to the little one. Plus, we have caught the daughter in lies and it's hard to see our friend taken advantage of.

The whole dynamic is different and I feel my self feeling bad almost everytime I spend time with them rather than feeling good.

I tried to nicely explain that we miss our friend only to be told that we don't have to keep secrets from his daughter. Well, yes, we do. Whereas I have no problem discussing drugs I'm on with my friend I would not feel comfortable with his daughter knowing what I have in the house. She does not have the most savory friends.

Plus, hubby and I like a good dirty joke or innuendo...not appropriate when a young one is around. Our friend did better at finding time for just us for about three months, now back to normal.

The granddaughter was having some severe temper problems. I was asked by the daughter to help and for advice. At the time she was five. During one temper tantrum I rescheduled a dinner date because 1) she was not acting appropriately to go in public and 2) I had a headache and couldn't deal with it. All I said was "I think we should do this at a better time". Yup, it was my fault for upsetting the child. ( heaven forbid the child know there are consequences for poor behavior ). Since then we don't discuss our kids or his grandkids.

Also he will accept invitations but if something better comes along we're cancelled on cause "we'll understand".

If we complain, well that's just the way he is and always has been.

What I don't understand is why I'm having such a hard time walking away from this friendship. I think part of it is because he knew my folks. My parents weren't from here so it's nice to talk to people with that frame of reference.

He's older than hubby and I and I think a little of a father figure to me. And I'm still seeking that approval that I didn't get my alcoholic dad. Our friend seldom drinks, but I do see similarities in personality.

What's the best way to walk away? I don't want drama. It's a small town. I have been "Aunt Charlotte" to all his kids and grand kids and in my sons wedding pics he is sitting at the family table. I don't want to feel mad whenever I look at the pics.

But I feel taken advantage of. How to you break up with your best friend?

Did you say Best Friend? In this case you need to talk to him. Honestly. Just as you did here.

Tell him in advance that you need to see him "one to one" because you need to discuss a serious matter with him, just you and him.

Tell him how much you love him and then present point by calm point, why you are seriously considering ending this friendship, because he is refusing to treat your unhappiness about your current situation seriously.

Just make sure the list is not too long, and that you do now drown him in too many words. Men cannot hear more then one sentence, after that they switch off!
So give him time to consider each of your points, before moving to the next one.
Try to consider things also from his point of view.

Friendship is a two way thing, you must be open to his suggestions as well.
Later, after you discuss your points ask him if he wants to work at it to resolve them, but calmly.
The you both set firm boundries, write them down, and make sure that you both agree to the same workable solutions. Keep the copies, one each.

However, before you talk to him .
Perhaps you need to stop and think.
It seems that there are other some issues here, someother agendas in this (as there are in many relationships) and that these issues are clouding your judgment.
Consider that times change. Life is never static, circumstances change, people change, we change.

You are longing to preserve your past, and share memories of your past with someone who was there with you at that time, and this is natural.
He is your link, to your past - this is a very, very powerful bond, indeed.

But you also know that he is not, and never can be your father - because sadly we can never re-create our past, or make up for it by wishful thoughts.
IN this situation it would be definitely more useful to talk about your feelings and expectations with a professional, a counsellor, who could guide you through the sorrows and pain of dealing with your past in more appropriate manner.

Try to think about what it is your want and do nto expect impossible.
Consider what you can realistically expect from your friend, and from that important talk with your friend. Be also prepared to hear some painful things yourself, as well.

Discuss this with your husband, he might have also some useful input, (but meet your friend by yourself - this is your past, and this is your friendship at stake. He might be more comforatble as well to do it this way.
Do not give up on him just yet. Give yourself, give your friend a chance to sort things out like two equals, like two grown ups.

But whatever you do do no rush into it, it is easy to spoil things, not so easy to mend them.
I hope things will work out for you.

Yes, a best friend. We both love football and the history channel, hubby hates it, so we watch football and other things together.

I think it's more the latter...I want the past recreated. I think you hit the nail on the head. Awhile back I tried the one on one, no drama, no tears (I know I shut down when people do that to me), but gave some specifics of how he hurts my feelings. Nice conversation. Then two weeks later when he was "joking" he said I was over reacting, and that I need to realize he's just not a thoughtful person.

And he's not. Funny, charming, but not thoughtful. We are both Green Bay Packer fans, have watched the season together. And are VERY excited about the SuperBowl. We had our plans on what to eat etc. I already bought the roast to cook the Italian Beef. Last night at 10:30 he tells me he's only going to be here for the second half because his daughter invited him to her house. He said she's been after him "all week" to cancel with me. So he half way did.

If he would have told me sooner, I would have tried to make other plans, would not have spent money on food, etc. (and yes same daughter who can not help out when his gout flares so I take him to the Dr and run his errands, the same daughter who would not come over this week and help her post surgical sister shower so I did it, oh yes, the same daughter who wouldn't go with her Dad to sit through her sisters surgery even though he was beyond nervous, so I did...yes, underlying issues! )

Yes, I think rather the point is as you mention. Why do I find this man important in my life? I think it is a good suggestion to find a counselor that would help me. I would not put up with being treated this way by any of my girlfriends. I would've have walked away a long time ago. No explanations, just a drifting apart.

Hubby is a great sounding board. In fact he's being very sweet and watching the first half of the Super Bowl with me even though he doesn't understand football.

I guess I'm just not sure if there is anything salvageable and why I'm trying so hard. My other friends make my life easier not harder.

I also think it goes two ways...I was good friends with his late wife, who he adored (but was also very thoughtless too.). I think I'm his link to her. Add in two immature adult daughters with jealously issues about their Papa and it's just to much for me!!!! I'm too old and in too much pain to deal with so many other issues.

So why won't my boots walk with me?

So why won't my boots walk with me?
The answer to this question, I am sure, is already within you - an impartial counsellor will just help you to find it (and perhaps to find answers to some of the other issues, as well).

It is always extremely painful to give up on someone in whom we have invested so much emotionally. It is not easy, but the time comes that we realise that it is time to distance ourselves for some people.

Of course your friend is just sitting back, telling you that he is a "bad boy, but you love me all the same" story, and thinks that this is good enough. No it is not. You are hurting. He is letting you down.
He is enjoying it I bet, being a centre of attention flattered that this lovely women are fighting for his attention.

I had recenetly stood up to a friend whom I knew for decaded, she has been driving me mad for a long time, as she wants to know every single detail about my life (in detail) whilst she is always secretive about hers.
She drains me by her agressive questioning "in my interest" she says.I let her, because she enjoys it and because we felt into that pattern of behaviour year ago.
At times I had a feeling that she only wants to hear my bad news, so she can feel sorry for me.

She is older them me, but extremely healthy, so she likes to lecture me about it as well. I had recently some tests and I was stressed over them when she called me, and I just could not bear her giving me "third degree" again. She is very poorly informed about medical issues, and asks such silly questions that it makes me fume with frustration. She exhausts me completely.

Anyway, this time I decided that I will not bother to explain to her anything, because she will make me cross again, and I was not in the mood, So I told her quietly. that I do not wish to discuss this any more, and we can talk about other things.

She was quite shocked, since I was always very open with her, so she is now sulking and has not been calling me. Frankly it is a relief, I no longer care if she calls again. Like you, I am too tired, it is too much to deal with her, as well as taking care of everything else. BUt yes, I am sad too. We have been friends for a long time and she knows my history.

I did tell her that I am fine, and that she does not need to be shocked since shee does not tell me things about herself, so it is nto a big deal. I felt it is a pity, as we had some nice times together over the years, but I began to dread the phone ring, fearing it is her again. Life is too short, we need to spend our time well with people who enhance our lives, we certainly do not need people who hurt us time and again.

Thank you Mini, for sharing. Obviously you know where I'm coming from.

Yes, I do. This is why you heartfelt post attracted my attention.
I hope things might get even more clear for both of us as far as our friends are concerned, with passing of time.

What bothers me most, is that I am sure that our friends are not aware of the depth of our feelings and hurt they cause, and that they will end up being terribly hurt by our "unreasonable" behaviour (never mind the fact, that they paid no attention to our words in the past).

Funny, I feel really guilty that my friend is feeling hurt right now. But like you, I have tried many times in the past to talk to her, things got a little better for short time, but she has always reverted to her old ways, making me quite ill with stress, at times.
I cannot do this any more. If she stays away, so be it.

I do hope you will be able to resolve things in the best way for you. It was good sharing with you. Thank you.

You're right...we'll be the bad guys, even though I've out right told him that some things, like canceling plans when something "better" comes up aren't acceptable.

I told him that there will be no fight, no drama, just one day he'll realize I'm gone. His response?"But, I'll miss you, you're my best friend". Well, then treat me more respect.

Oh, and I understand if we're doing a weekly coffee klatch and something fun and exciting pops up then by all means "GO!". But, let me know and don't blow off dinner an hour before when I've been cooking all day.

No, I'm afraid you're right Mini, it will come back on us. And I to feel the guilt. He was saying how his daughter didn't leave his side during the first half of the football game and how good it made him feel. I felt kind of bad for not having said "no, you enjoy the game with your daughter". But then I remembered how downhearted he was that she blew him off earlier in the week. If she wanted her Daddy so bad she should have kept HER plans with him.

We're not talking about a 12 year old girl here. She's in her 30s and has a tendency to only call her Dad when she needs a a baby sitter. Oh well, going off on a tangent....

Yesterday my friend tried to make "everybody happy" and as a result made no one happy.