New Man, Good Friends, Old (Very Old) Migraine Episodes

Tonight (12/12/09) I went to the annual Christmas in the home of dear friends. These two guys came up the night Steve died just to sit and be there for me ... I will never miss an opportunity to be with them.

I was fine for an hour or so and then ... same ole, same ole. Left hand began shaking then clenching, I had to sit down immediately, I was unable to speak clearly, the moderate noise of people chatting was painful and confusing to me, and the pain began in my temples. Same old story.

I left - before the gift exchange and even before all the guests arrived. I had to leave right then if I was going to make it home. I could think clearly and my right arm and legs worked fine ... so I drove home. But I hated it. I am getting real tired ... I mean REAL tired of not being able to go out of my home without having a migraine episode.

What makes it all so much worse is that I am finally getting used to the pain of losing my husband Steve. I will never get over my grief ... but I am getting used to it. I have met a man online who is coming to visit in January.

I am almost ready to just call the whole thing off. I am such damaged goods. I fear rejection based on my illness ... I fear not being able to be the person I want to be with Thom. It is confusing to me right now ... but one thing is crystal clear.

I am real tired of always being tired and real tired of having an episode if I have the audacity to attempt to participate in normal human activity. It is all getting very, very old.

I am so sorry you weren't able to enjoy your get together. yes this disease is snatching away so much from us,
it's depressing. particularly when we just start to believe we are finally better enough to attempt socializing.
then boom - M strikes, and we can not do nothing

But don't cross out your friend's visit yet, Richard. You'll never know what happens if you won't go thru with it,
there will always be this doubt gnawing at you if you don't meet him in person. At least you'll know - yes or no.
Personally I think we tend to think worse of ourselves than other think of us. So don't lose hope that everything
will be alright yet.

Risa

I know and understand that feeling all too well. Not being able to be a part of something. Sometimes it rolls off my back and I take it in stride but other times it is more upsetting like your night sounds. Its ok to not feel like trying anymore but you just know that you have to keep trying. Its those little glimpses of normalcy that keep us going. (Well me anyways) It those times when I am out with friends and family or at a gathering smiling, laughing and having a good time that keep me keeping on.


I am sure embarking on a new relationship after losing someone is so full of so many emotions. Trust your instincts with your friends visit. The two of you have connected for a reason. Good luck to you and I hope you are feeling a little better since your night out.

Jo

I hear ya, man. Good stress/bad stress = migraines. I had to go into see the boss for my yearly review at 9:30 am and I knew it was going to be okay and I was completey prepared, but half an hour before it hit me. So here I am sitting across from him and he is giving me a promotion, and a raise and a bonus and telling me what a great job I am doing and I'm not enjoying it because I just want to get to my desk and hit the painkillers.

There is an older song out there that has some words that I can relate to. I can't remember who sings it, but it is very fitting. One line says you can see the chair but you can't sit in it.

My faith in a higher power sometimes makes me question why I am burdened with this affliction. Do I work harder in life because of it, or is it given to me to make me stop myself from burning out (these are my own personal questions). Days like these, sometimes I just want to toss out philosophy, lick my wounds and cry anyways because it just friggen hurts and it's not fair.

Tomorrow is a new day, Richard. New good things will always come along for you to experience because of the good you project out. Merry Christmas, you are loved.

Angela

I think many of us here understand. I had to leave a Thanksgiving gathering early (again!). It was at my future-in-laws house and I had had to leave Christmas early from there last year. At the summer b-day there again, had to leave early.

It makes me wonder if they think I don't like them. I also wonder if other people at the gatherings think I'm just a big, stuck-up B****, because I'm always sitting in corner, quietly, I'm sure with a frown on my face.

But, I live for the good days...they sneak up every now and then, so don't cut yourself off. If you call it off with Thom, you've already lost. At least give him a chance. Then if it doesn't work out, you know he's not the guy for you.

Glad to see you.

Charlotte (aka Joan)

This Holloween I forced myself to go out. Things were going ok, I forced my wife to dress up and we went as two sick looking nurses working in our "ailing healthcare system". I was very sick so it worked out really well as a costume.

We arrived nice and early and managed to get some conversations in.

Then the DJ showed up (for a 600 squarefoot condo) and started setting up. While he did that, someone lit up a joint in the same 600 square feet....they never smoke in the house normally but did that night. The smoke killed any narcotic I had working for me at that point almost instantly. I went on the balcony to escape it but it didn't help.

Moments after the smoke cleared, the music started....and we said our goodbyes. I think we were there less then 45 minutes....and our make-up jobs took more the twice that! UGH.....BUT....we did make it out....and to me that was a very big positive.

Hi,

Eichard, I know exactly what you mean. I can't count the number of functions that I have had to leave or miss out on due to migraine.

The most recent experience, for me, occurred at bruthers rehearsal dinner. After dinner, the music got louder and the storbe lights came on. I even asked my brother if he would turn the lights off, of course, he didn't. So I had to leave early. I hated the fact that I was unable to enjoy the party due to the fact that the lights and music would trigger migraine. It is no fun.

Pain free days,

sailingm

Richard, have you told Thom about your migraines? I have found that if I try to educate people it helps...although honestly I almost wish I could meet a guy who has migraines so that they'd understand and not think I am "picking and choosing" when to get a migraine. I was dating a guy and had to bow out of some family and work functions (xmas party, etc) because of migraines and he said he would try not to take it personal. He was only partly kidding, but that comment really pissed me off. I tried to keep in mind he doesn't get migraines so doesn't totally get it, but it still made me mad. Like I would choose to get a migraine??? So...I would say, go through with the visit in January, tell him upfront you get migraines so if you get one during the visit and have to lay low, he will be prepared for that.

richard,

sorry to hear about the nasty neurological effects from the brain busters. they are very unpleasant and unnerving. as well, it's a tough time of year regarding your loss of steve.

good luck and be careful sir.