The migraine won. I came unglued.

I hit the wall and became unglued. The migraines won. 22 migraines in one month= over 100 T-3’s and 26 Imitrex. Working fulltime in a stressful job and everyone, employees and family wants a piece of me all the time. My father was asking me a computer question and suddenly I just couldn’t think any more. I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t think and I couldn’t talk. I completely shut down and wound up running out and starting crying and couldn’t stop. The hurting in my head and neck had gone on too long and the poisons in my body were coursing too thick. The migraine won and I had to admit that I had no control and that I was really scared that this monster was getting worse and I could no longer fake it in this world. I was not all right. I was severely ill.

When the crying passed in my hubby’s compassionate arms and I confessed my fears (and he described what it was like for him watching me go through this, and his fears), I had relented to taking a big toke of pot (which I never do) an Ativan, and off to bed. I awoke at 5:30 am for work in the same state as the day before. In pain and exhausted. There was no way I could go to work that day and called in sick. I slept another 6 hours.

I went to the doctor, equipped with my usual suggestions but he can’t perform an occipital nerve block. I currently have a referral lined up to see the one migraine specialist in this big city, but the waiting list is 18 months, I am told, so I am still waiting. My doctor increased topamax and sent me on my way. We’ve already tried everything else through all these years and I am just getting worse.

Today is a good day, if you don’t include how defeated I feel. Well meaning coworkers suggest benign things for me to try, like club soda and Tylenol with Advil. Work still calls me to make a living. Family still needs me just as before. I am still ill. It will return. Part of me wants to die and part of me wants to live. I’m scared.

I'm so sorry. It is so hard when you are pulled in many directions. Hope you get some relief soon.

Oh Angela, I am so sorry to hear this. I cant think of what else to offer with my Triptan messed head, except...Sorry.

I`m sorry, Angela. I was just recently telling my dh that after awhile dealing with these things day after day and then dealing with everything else in life, you finally crash. Then you push forward again. Hang in there...

Angela, there comes a time when you have to say NO. Hardest word to say when you think about it. Can't say that I have perfected the art but have certainly come a long way, and loo and behold, my health is soooo much better the last month or two since I have been practising this magic little word.

"Mum can you pick this up for me?" NO
"Those xyz's need cleaning." Husbands hint that the house is getting less than it should be. "NO".

Give it a try.

How are you today? I hope better.

Agree with Marion, "No" is a magical word.

I'm glad you have hubbies arms to crawl in to. I always feel so safe there.

your post instantly brought tears to my eyes. i totally feel for you and I don't even know you. i have chronic hives that did the very same thing to me as your migraine did to you. oh my. similar situation with me and my hives. I totally snapped and scared my kids and husband. i seemed to get them under control or at least somewhat manageable with meds. but I too suffer with migraines. the amount of time they last is what gets to me. after days of suffering we imagine all sorts of things to rid ourselves of pain and ways to seek relief. we have to hang on. there has to be a way to make this stop so we can live like humans. i hate listening to myself talk and complain and explain about migraines and what they do to me.....i know nobody except another migrainure could ever know and understand. my husband is clueless, a sweetheart but clueless. everyone is except my mother who suffered like i do. i hope you will soon find a way to get relief.

I was at that point about 12 years ago. A minor error at work triggered my breakdown. I could not hold it together anymore. That was it. I could not go on like this for one more minute. I thought I would rather jump out of the window there and then in front of all my work colleagues than continuing in a stressful and demanding job with daily, constant, ferocious migraines.

I just let go. I didn't care about anybody else anymore. I had to take care of myself first. I am a people pleaser, so I found it extremely hard to put myself first, but it was the only option I had left. I had no more strength left in me. So I let go of my job and never returned. I took to the bed and got the rest I so badly needed. I took control and did what was best for me.

When you are this ill you need to have people to look after you instead of the other way around. It doesn't mean you love them less or you are a bad mother, wife or employee. You are just a very ill and vulnerable person who needs looking after. It is not easy for those around you, but you are the person who is really suffering not your husband or your kids. Their disappointment that wife or mum cannot lovingly prepare a meal or is in a romantic mood is nothing compared to what you have to endure. They will understand.

Here is a list of medications/treatment that made a difference for me.
I mentioned this previously on this forum, but here it is again


· Triptans 100mg (obviously)

· Beta-Blockers (I take Metoprolol 200mg) as a preventative.

· Anti anxiety/anti depressant (Cipralex, Escitalopram 20mg) as a preventative. This one is a big one. For me this one made a BIG difference. I stumbled across Cipralex by accident.

When I have a really persistent migraine I take a Triptan together with 2.5mg Amitriptyline. You will sleep for 24 hours, but feel much better when getting up again.

Last but not least I had good results with the migraine surgery.

Maybe any of the above could make a difference for you too.


Big bear hug,

P.

I, too, teared up reading your post. I've been there several times. There is only so much pain a human can take before the flood gates open. I seem to have a day like that every couple of months. I let myself have a couple of hours of self-pity, then I pull myself together and remember the people who have it worse than we do. It helps put things in perspective for me. Big hugs to you. I hope you're feeling better soon.

I had a day like this back in June and couldn't take it anymore. My appt with the neuro wasn't until the end of July so I called to see if I could get in sooner but no luck. I had daily severe pain and was still having to work full time while dealing with family issues.

Have you and your dr talked about Botox? I received my first injections at my appt in July and although I still have migraines occassionally I no longer have the daily pain and I am much happier.

I feel for you and wish someone would find something that would help all of us. A Big hug to you!!

Sweet Angela,
I feel so sorry about your bad spell.
Any other new good specialist out there? Someone who has a shorter waiting list but who try something new for you?
Take care

Hi Angela

Just read this and wanted to add how sorry I am you're having such a bad time. Definitely agree with saying 'no' when you can and accepting every ounce of help. I guess there's no chance of you being able to work part-time?

I think we must all have a hidden strength as so many of us are pushed to the limit, yet somehow manage to keep going. I was lucky to be able to go part-time but I have to care for my mother and my two children in their 20s have just moved back home. Sometimes I feel as though I just want to be the one to be cared for and just can't cope any more but I take the tablets (every day) and carry on.

I hope you're not feeling so scared today, thinking of you.

Liz

Hello Everyone.

I’ve returned today and I am so overwhelmed with your responses and replies and what you have shared with me.

Last week was a real wake up call for me. I had to regain control of my life like so many of you had suggested. I upped my dosage of Topamax to 150mg and the migraines are still there, but not half as painful. Plus I’ve put my foot down and reclaimed the word NO. I don’t have the option to quit my job as I’m the sole breadwinner in a household of four right now (two in school and one unemployed), so I’ve deligated more to the others and had a talk about them not involving me in their spats. I had my brother visiting this weekend and so I had a family dinner and like usual, they showed up half an hour late after the dinner time and the roast was wrecked, so I decided that was the last family meal I was going to do for a long time. In short, remove that kind of useless stress. And the list goes on.

Petzi, we are on the same medication path. I take triptans, Escitalopram 20mg, Ativan when needed to relax and sleep, and Topamax (betablockers stop after 6 months). I will ask the specialist about Migraine surgery, but I’ve never heard about it being done here.

I just asked about Botox but the doctor shrugged so I will ask specialist about that too. The Doctors in Canada are bailing and leaving to the US for the big $$ the insurance pays, so there is no other Specialist. Just the one and I can only hope that he doesn’t brush me off.

My biggest fear is that I am getting worse and the drugs won't help anymore and I've exhausted all my options.

Ultimately, I am ill and I have to admit that to myself first. Endurance and stamina is great in a race, but every runner stops for proper rest and regeneration. I have to fit that in every day. Stop being a hero and admit that I am a human with a problem.

Thanks for swarming me with your love and care. You guys are the best.

Angela

Just a thought (no expert here), but do you think the Topamax might be a culprit instead of helping? I had worse migraines than I ever had before while on it. I wouldn't think it is worth taking if you are getting 22 migrains a month. It also makes you very emotional (not that 22 migraines aren't enough to get emotional about). How many were you getting before the Topamax?

Angela,

Glad things are looking a bit brighter. We all have our breaking points and it sounds like you hit one. This is a hard disease to live with and when things keep piling on, we have a tendency to come a bit unglued. It will get better - you've already identified a few areas to change and it will help. Just hang in there.

Becky

estre004 wrote:Just a thought (no expert here), but do you think the Topamax might be a culprit instead of helping? I had worse migraines than I ever had before while on it. I wouldn't think it is worth taking if you are getting 22 migrains a month. It also makes you very emotional (not that 22 migraines aren't enough to get emotional about). How many were you getting before the Topamax?

Hi Linda

I keep migraine graphs and note everytime I get one and everytime there is a change or increase/decrease in pain level. Along side of this I keep track of my anxiety issues (because I have that nonsense going too).

When I initally started taking Topamax, the migraines almost dropped to 1/3 the numbers and 1/2 the intensity, but over the two years, the migraines have slowly increased to where I am today. (like it was before). The side effects of Topamax was hard the first three months but it was a Godsend to me and the side effects did wear off.

As for the anxiety, it hit hard suddenly last year and increasing to 20mg Escitalopram had knocked that out of the park. I don't think the two malidys are necessarily related as anxiety can be situational for me.

I don't think Topamax is for everyone, as we do get migraines for different reasons. But definately, migraines are horribly emotional.

Angela..I'm so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Praying, that you feel better soon and get the break that you need.

Glad that your family will be helping you out..you need to be taken care of.

Blessings,
greeneyes

Can relate to the roast dinner Angela. I started to get the hint about two years ago to slow down when I was shifting house for my mother. As I was struggling with one end of the couch while my brother was on the other, I suddenly realised that it was during one of her shifts over thirty years ago that Mum had proclaimed that she was too old for the heavy lifting and would I mind doing it for her. That put me, thirty years later, and still on the end of a couch, about seven years older than she was when she first asked.

Who else is on the responsiblity wagon?