Feeling very frustrated

I had a 4 week stretch this past month where I was still getting a weekly migraine, but it was a minor one that could be relieved almost completely with Advil. I chalked it up to forcing myself to go running every day and eating a close to "perfect" migraine-free diet. I was incredibly happy with my life (it's amazing how all it takes for me to feel happy with my life is to not have a headache - in this way, I sometimes count them as my blessing).

On March 26th I have my doctoral written exam due. I am a second year Pharmacology (not the same as Pharmacy) student, and basically to be allowed to continue pursuing my PhD I have to complete an NIH-style grant proposal. I had being doing so great on this all month, and created a self-imposed deadline of 3/12 to have it done. I need to have it done early so that I can get it out to my readers and address any criticisms they have before it is due.

I was right on track to get it done, and then on the morning of the 11th I get out of the shower and immediately have a visual aura. This has been followed by 48 hours of some of the worst migraine pain I've felt in probably 6 months. I spent all day yesterday sobbing in bed. I've even been moved to take Vicodin, which is something I generally avoid if at all possible so that I can save the medication for when I REALLY need it.

I'm just so depressed. I was right on track with having this thing finished, and I told my readers I would have it to them by Monday morning. Now it's very likely I won't be done by Monday morning. It's going to take at least a day to recover from this headache, and I am still in full-blown headache phase right now.

I try my best to stay hopeful in my life and I even consider myself an optimistic person. I try not to dwell on the unfairness of this disease, and how poorly understood I am. But today I just hate it. I am so damn tired of it. Today I live in fear that I won't be able to complete my PhD or ever last in any career. Today I know I can never bring children in this world to suffer like I do (and my husband does) and that I could never take care of them properly if I did. Today the only future that exists for me is bleakness. Today I just #@$@ing hate it.

I am very sorry for this time of pain and stress you feel. Just as the pain sweeps in, have hope that the moments of bliss can come calling as well, this is what we always look forward to right? The focus will return as soon as the pain subsides and you will finish the task. In the meantime, know that others read your thoughts and know the misery that you experience. I wish you the very very best.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I it is hard to deal with a disease that is so debilitating. I do want to address one thing you said about having children. I have two children and although it was very hard to raise them with constant migraines but did it.

I had migraines and daily headaches all through my children's childhood. I learned to deal with the pain managed to make it to baseball games, ballet recitals, practices, sports all through school, school field trips, taking my daughter and her friends to concerts, etc. With medication and a strong will, I was there for my kids. I did spend may days resting because mommy's head hurt. We worked out what they could do on those days, which was mostly keep the noise down. My husband was helpful with them, not so much with me as he did not and did not want to understand this disease. He really thought I just brought it on myself, so you are way ahead as your husband understands the disease.

Both my children do get migraines. My son had them from about age 12 to 20 or so. He is now 26 and rarely gets a migraine. My daughter is another story. She had a hard time through puberty and is now 21 and just gets migraines with weather changes.

I felt incredibly guilty about passing along this horrible condition but my children feel differently. They do not blame me, especially my daughter who has had a much hard time than my son.

They are wonderful caring people who have a great deal of empathy for the people around them. I wouldn't trade them for anything and they have been the reason that I continue to fight not only this disease but the other two painful conditions that I have.

Migraines go back at least three generations in my family and almost everyone in my family gets them although I am the only one who has them chronically. We don't consider my daughter chronic anymore as she doesn't get nearly as many as she used to. Of all my nieces and nephews, only one has gotten a migraine as far as I know... and we all talk about this disease.

So there is no guarantee that if you have children that they will get migraines and if they do, at least they will have a parent that know what to do. When I was a child no one knew what to do and it was extremely difficult to be taken seriously and get proper medical treatment. So much has changed
in 35 years. Just take this into consideration and if you really do want children, think about it. If you don't want children for other reasons, then this point is moot.

I hope you feel better soon.

Alli

Alli,

Thanks so much for your reply. I really want to have children - in fact, I'm hoping to have a large family one day. It's just hard to think about having to care for a baby when I have so many problems with my head. I can stay home from work fairly easily, as I am in academia and no one really cares what set of hours you work there as long as you get work done; however, I couldn't just take a day off from my kids.

I think it's further complicated by the fact that my husband suffers some pretty bad migraines, too, and is often debilitated himself. On both sides of our families migraines go back many generations. I know there's no guarantee my kids will have them, but in all likelihood they will. Not that I nor my husband nor anyone in my family regrets being able to be alive, it would just be hard for me to see my children suffer - I'm sure you understand.

But mostly I just get overwhelmed at the idea of having all of the commotion in my life and having to deal with it. I've had horrible migraines all my life, but they didn't become chronic until about a year and a half ago. I have to say I never knew existence could be like this - so tiring and so difficult to manage. I keep waiting for them to go away. I hope medicine catches up to this disease really soon.

Jayme

I forgot to say, Alli, that I am always dead impressed with parents that were able to raise children despite having chronic migraines. Really, your strength and courage is amazing to me.

O lordy, it was hard at times but it is amazing what you can do when you have children. I have been chronic from 6 months after my daughter's birth until now. I spent many days resting on the couch but still watching my kids. They had quiet activities that they did when I was really bad.

My son is 5 1/2 years older than my daughter so he got drafted a many times to keep his sister company and play with her. He was so sweet and took great care of her.

Going to games, practices, etc with my head hurting was really hard, but watching my kids have fun was worth it.

I look back on it now and wonder how I found the strength, but you just do. Sometimes a child's laughter is a great pain reliever. Even now, I can be hurting so badly and my daughter will come in with something funny to tell me and makes me laugh and I feel better for a bit and vice versa. My kids make it so much easier to deal. Now I am looking forward to my son's wedding. I can't believe that he is old enough to be getting married but my baby boy is.

I am so glad that I had them and that we are part of each others lives.
Alli