frustration

okay guys.

i am now at a 7. i am refusing to take any pain medication for fear of rebound headaches. its so hard but i know i have the self control to not take anything. i am home alone again with my daughter and my husband refuses to come home to help me. he is with his parents helping his father with a project. i am pissed. he gives me 4 days a week and the rest of the week is spent over there regardless of how bad my head hurts. we get into endless arguments about this because i'll be in so much pain im crying and he wont come home because he's "in the middle of something, and his dad can't do it by himself." i know he can't understand how much pain i'm in bcause he doesn't have migraines but i'm sick of him being such an ass about it. its brought me to such point that sometimes i want to kick him out of the house because he's never here anyways. why should i have to fight for my husband to be home for me to help with our baby? I'm so pissed and stressed which is just making it worse. He makes me feel like i'm the bad guy all the time because i "force" him to stay home when his dad needs all this help with all this stuff. He actually fights me for more days over there and I finally put my foot down just a few weeks ago and said enough is enough, if one more week goes by where the majority of it is spent over there instead of with me i'm going to leave you and take our baby with me. He still fights me over it, and i dont get it. Why should I get five minutes a day if that with my husband, and my daughter five minutes a day with her daddy? WTF? I'm sorry for ranting guys I just needed to do it. My damn head feels like its going to explode and I wish i could just put Gia down to bed early tonight or just put her in her crib and go to sleep or something but...such is life. I just wish my husband would understand and love me enough to come home.

I'm sorry you are so frustrated lg.

I hope things get better for your head. It seems migraines are really good at kicking you when you are already down.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

I am so sorry. I totally understand your frustration. I hope that your head is better. I hope Gia sleeps well all night and you wake up feeling rested. I am a stay at home mom of a two year old and I have chronic daily migraines. It is HARD. I struggle every day to make it to 6pm when the hubby gets home. Then I still try to make a healthy meal. I am sorry that it is so hard for him to understand. Are your migraines new?
Could you and Gia join him at the grandparents twice a week? Would they like to see her and give you some time to sit down? Do you have other family near by that could help? Can you hire a sitter? I have a sitter come a couple of hours a week and take Zoey to music class or to the park or to do an art project. That way I can sleep. rest or catch up on the housework, laundry, bills, groceries etc. I would never make it without support. I have been looking for some for tomorrow. I am sick as a dog, the hubby has to work and the usual sitter is in school. Wouldn't you know it but the Grandparents are sick and it is cold and snowy. I am just hoping she and I can make it through!

I hope things get better for you. Baby kisses always make me feel better.

Mary Anne

Lovegia, my heart goes out to you. I've been in your shoes. I've been called 'old ball and chains' because I demanded help when sick and alone with the new baby. I cried a river.
My blood still curds when I recall that.

Forgive me for being so forward but your husband is being a jerk, period. You NEED HELP, your BABY needs help.
if he doesn't get it then I am sorry he won't get it and who cares, but he WILL DELIVER IT.
Hire a help - he will pay for it.
On one side, there is no need for him to be there, if you can have a babysitter and someone to care for you as well. Too bad he is too insensitive and immature to want to be with you and the baby.
But it can work if he at least can be practical. If he won't shake his coffers, though - whoa boy!
I would fight nail and tooth for what's mine. So, perhaps you two can work out some system where he can go to do his da*m projects (it's obvious this guy is too immature for family - so was mine) and you can have some paid for support.

I was always very happy with teen babysitters while I was awake. I had someone to take care of the baby while I too sick to do anything properly myself, could rest and supervise. And it's cheap.

Risa

Thank you for your positive thoughts, Milo

Mary Anne and Risa,
I wish at this point we had more money to be able to afford some help, but it is either pay the rent we are already behind on or spend it on something like a mothers helper which I cannot bring myself to do when my refridgerator is empty and I'm feeding my baby Smartones dinners because I ran out of food, and he took the car so I can't get food. I could never go to my inlaws when I have a migraine. In fact, I avoid the place like the black plague. My MIL is born and raised in the city. VERY LOUD and doesn't respond to, "please, I have a migraine, please stop yelling." She has never been a sympathetic woman. I think she thinks I make up the migraines because i'm trying to take her son away. They like to live very messy, which I do not complain about and do not see a problem with but it is very difficult to take care of Gia there when she is picking up food from last week off the floor and eating it, or grabbing a box of laundry and having 9 other boxes come toppling down on top of her. Its kind of like a low grade version of hoarders in that house. They put a crib in a spare room, two days later the room was filled with boxes so badly you cannot even walk (including boxes piled inside the crib). Since my FIL and husband are doing construction work they are constantly working with either paint, hammers, saws, or something else noisy and/or smelly that I unfortunately cannot be around. Don't get me wrong they aren't bad people but its just not a house that is appropriate for baby or migraneurs. I have had migraines since I started my period, however, after I gave birth they have become almost daily. I am lucky to be able to have my mother close by, she is a wonderful support. However, as much as I rely on her, I cannot drop my daughter off over there whenever needed. I usually do about 2x a week but she has a full time job as well and things she also needs to get done. She is also older and has a harder time doing the normal house duties with a small infant in toe, so as helpful as it is, I need more help than that. I need my husband. Or at least I need my husband to stop waisting time over there and find a REAL job that pays enough to maintain our small apartment, or even better..pick up a part time job so I don't have to worry about breaking the bank to food shop for just our daughter..not even myself (he eats over there). If he brought in extra income maybe I could get some extra cheap mothers helper help AND feed myself. I'm lucky my mom is right up the road for dinners and stuff because if she wasnt there would be many nights I think I would break down and cry. I would go out and get a job myself but my average pay is $13 an hour, which after daycare costs will give me just enough money to pay for gas to get to work. I'd be working to pay for daycare. I should have gone to college, it was insanely stupid that I didn't get a degree. The state won't help us because with both of us working we do not qualify for their programs for paid daycare. We are pretty stuck unless he stays home so I can get a part time or he gets a better job or part time. I figure with the medication starting and daily migraines its probably better if he gets a job right now at least until I get settled with medications. But instead of supporting this family and getting a part time job so I can put food in the refridgerator, pay our 1,000 overdue electric bill, our 2 months worth of rent, and all the collectors calling my house (my ringer is set to jingle bells so i guess it isnt so bad) he'd much rather go over and help his father.

I'm getting angry for you just reading about it!!! What a mama's/Daddy's boy!

It almost sound to me like you would be better off being a single parent (since you almost are anyway). You would probably qualify for more services that way.

Charlotte

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time and have such an immature boy for a husband. Is he getting paid while helping his father or is it just home projects that never get completed? If he is not getting paid, then maybe he would be better served to go out and get a paying job (as hard as that is right now) and at least pay your rent if he isn't going to be there.

I personally think you would be better off to take the baby and go home to your mother if you can. That would take care of the rent problems and put you someplace where you have some support for you and the baby.

It doesn't sound like he is ready to be either a husband or a father. But I hope that things get better for you and that he decides that you and your child are the priority.

Alli

I wish the people in our lives that don't understand the pain we go through could all have a migraine just once so they could be more understanding and compasionate about what we go through. Im so sorry you are going through this. I hope you feel better soon. (((Hugs)))

I am so sorry Lovegia... I felt so bad reading your post. It must be so hard for you to have the migraines plus all the other stress with finances, etc. I know how that feels - it is a big worry and not what you need at all for the migraine situation. I wish I had some great advice for you that would help, but all I can give you is my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks guys for the responses. I really appreciate the support. I feel like i am constantly knocked down at home. My mother and I do get along but we do not live together well. I moved out when I was 16, and we repaired our relationship when I was 18..however I just don't think we'd get by under the same roof together. If push came to shove I would do what I had to but I don't want to go burning bridges when really, its the only bridge i have left. As for him making money at his dads...occassionally his father gives us some money which is very nice of him. It is not enough compensation in my opinion but my husband begs to differ. Im sure it is fair for the amount of actual work my husband does over there because half the time he spends there he is bullshitting, the other half he actually helps(which he denies, of course). It is not his parents fault I don't think. They are nice people, and i'm sure if they could help us more they would, but they really shouldn't have to. My husband really should be doing the work himself and supporting this family and i know this, i just think i'd like to ignore it for the sake of my daughter which really isnt good for her in the long run either. I guess i just keep thinking we're so young..maybe he'll grow up. Its silly of me. I hate tough decisions, so I just ignore it until it blows up in my face. I guess when this one project is done we'll see how things go. I'm going to tell him its either get another job or a better job or thats that. I feel like giving up without trying is a shame, but I can't live like this either. At least when it all goes down, I've got you guys

I'm so sorry, Lovegia.

I understand how you feel. My in-laws live just down the road from us, and my husband spends many weekends helping his dad. Now that my kids are grown and gone, it's nice to have the peace and quiet in the house. But, when the kids were small, it was very frustrating. Regardless whether I had something planned, his parents have always come first.

I love my mother- and father-in-law dearly. They are the best one could ever ask for. It's just that once you're married, your husband's #1 responsibility is to his wife and children, then to his parents.

Hang in there. You're in my prayers that your hubby understands where his priorities should be.

Becky

tecky wrote:I love my mother- and father-in-law dearly. They are the best one could ever ask for. It's just that once you're married, your husband's #1 responsibility is to his wife and children, then to his parents.

This is exactly how I feel. Now if only i could get him to see it this way.

Oh gosh, I am so sorry, that is so many issues, indeed..
I can only hope with time it will all somehow sort itself out. Meantime, hang in there, sweetie.
I think if you can use any help then use it, even if it means your mommy.
I'll bet she will be too happy to see her precious grandbaby, and vice versa.
Just don't get too deep about yourself and your family while talking with her

Oh, and may I suggest Lovegia, as you can see we all have this "code of writting" here - to make it easier for our strained migraineous eyes to read we break our paragraphs into smaller ones. If you could do that too, that would be terrific

Risa

It's bad when the family issues can actually contribute to the migraine when you're wishing the family could comfort and soothe the migraine. I'm so sorry for your situation and I really hope things are worked out and support comes your way. You mentioned in the first post of others not understanding unless they have had one. I mentioned this on the other board when I likened a migraine to showing someone pictures of the most exotic place on earth, telling them of the beauty, but unless they have actually set foot there, they will never ever understand. Of course in our case a better scenario may be describing a war zone and taking part in a battle, the horror can only be experienced, not described. I wish you the very very best and please know you are among friends.

Olee,

A war zone is a very good likening, especially when your head is tender to the touch as well as all the brain pain on the inside.

Becky.

I really don't understand fathers who don't take the time to be with their kids. There have been events when I wasn't there, but many more that I was. Here's a true story that cemented my mindset of making time for my kids...

There was a school sponsored event about ecology, conservation etc. They brought in animals, reptiles etc. It was fun geared for young kids (1-5th grade). So I took my son and while I was there I saw this "Dad" who had this scowl on his face like he'd rather be home watching wrestling then this kid crap. Bottom line was my son had so much fun he talked about all the way home and then to Mom until he went to bed.

That was such a simple thing to do and I'll never forget it. He's 15 now and still want's to hang out with me (well, most of the time). Too bad for that other "Dad".

02R96,

Me either. I don't understand. When he used to walk through our front door for the 5 minutes he is home
she lit up so bright saying DADADA HI HI HI!
Dancing, laughing...so happy. Then he left, she'd cry.
Her first full sentence was, Bye Bye Daddy. About a dozen times of him leaving after that
she finally gave up. She no longer says Hi dada anymore, or bye bye.
She doesn't want him to pick her up, she doesn't want anything to do with him.
She screams when he goes near her. That is sad to me. Very sad.
He said to me today, "She loves you so much and she hates me."
and so I said, "She doesn't hate you, she doesn't even know you.
Your never here for her. You left her..and you left me, too."
and then he yelled at me so i told him to get out and he did. It is the story of my life.

Risa,

Much apologies if i caused you any troubles reading my post. It didn't even occur to me, but i will definitely keep it in mind for my future ramblings. Thanks for letting me know

Olee,

Thanks for the well wishes, unfortunately the only support i really have is the support i get here, which is wonderful..but, i find myself wanting more from people at home.
I really like your descriptions, unfortunatly I don't think I can get my husband to stop for even two seconds to listen to either one of them.
Besides, he's not even home. He's at his parents house.

I don't think one person in my life supports my decision to go on topamax.
My husband curses me for it constantly as he had an very evil ex-girlfriend who took it for epilepsy.
He constantly reminds me how it "changed her into a person he never wanted."
I think he's trying to scare me into ceasing my medication by making me believe he will leave me because I will be this crazy loon and abuse him and my kid.
Meanwhile, I find my moods have stabilized on topamax.
I'm not as angry over the little stuff anymore. I don't get as frustrated with everything.
I.E I am a terrible cook, and whenever I go into the kitchen, I usually never finish what i'm trying to do because I screw up and get frustrated.
Tonight I cooked meatballs and sauce from scratch for my daughter and I for the very first time.
That has NEVER happened before.

My mom thinks topamax will never help me, it will only take away my brain.
She doesn't understand how such serious drugs can be prescribed to migraineurs.
She constantly tells me about a coworker who takes a triptan to relieve pain.
She just cannot fathom that I do not respond to triptans.
She gets mad that my neurologist didn't give me any to use, and since she is a nurse,
she is constantly trying to give me samples. She is even more angry that I have a script for vicodin.
Trust me, I'd trade in my bottle of vicodin for a couple of triptans any day.
Its a sad feeling when your own family makes you feel like a drug seeker.

My sister, who is also on topamax for epilepsy also doesn't understand how it can help migraines.
Everyone thinks that the side effects aren't worth it and I should just live with the daily pain
I experience instead. I feel very alone. I even have a sister to talk to about side effects of the
medication i'm taking but she barely discusses them with me because she is
"angry that I choose to take these pills because she'd rather have seizures than take them."

It is absolutely lovely to have all of you here as support now.
It has made it a lot easier on me to understand the drugs i'm on and the treatments
I can ask for at my next appointment. Its also a great support when i'm home alone
for the 4th night in a row, ready to pull my hair out and throw some valuable stuff against the walls.

I'm hoping this format is better for everyone. Risa, let me know how I did, okay?

Oh, lovegia, I'm sending you bunches of gentle hugs. It's so hard to deal with these migraines without support from your loved ones. We're happy to be here for you.

If topamax is working for you, ignore the comments from everyone else. You have to do what helps YOU.

It's funny you say your mom is a nurse--it seems like many times the people who should understand are the ones with the least understanding.

I wish you lived close by. I'd be happy to help with your little girl. You need someone to help and support you, not criticize everything you do.

Hang in there and please take care.

Becky

you guys are great. i have been browsing this board for a month now and only posting for a few days and you already treat me better than friends i've had for years. how is this possible?

Hi,

i am so sorry that your husband doesn't seem to understand the pain caused by migraines and the fact that they are incredibly debilitating. Would your husband be willing to go with you to the neurologist or possibly read something about migraine? It is possible that this would give him some insight into the problem and maybe help him understand that migraine is not just a bad headache but a neurological disease. THis is just a thought.

My mother has had chronic back pain for as long as I remember. (she has had five back surgeries during my lifetime.) Fortunately, my father always stepped in and helped when needed. He took us many places and is still quite helpful.

I wish I had more advice for you. Is there someway, you can either go to your mothers when it is really bad or possibly convince your husband to watch the baby while you rest for a while during a bad one? What kind of project is he working on?

I know that topamax has many side effects and that it does not work for everyone, but it is certainly worth trying. I know it has worked for some on this page. The only way to find out if it helps is to try it. It is also worth trying to stay away from anything that might be causing rebouhnd.

I wish I had more advice. Please hang in there.

Pain free days,
sailingm

Lovegia,
my ex boyfriend was exactly like you husband.
That's why he never became my husband and that's why I love to write that he is my EX

I know that when a baby is around things are much more complicated, but life is yours and you and your little girl need more love and support.

Take care
Ivy

Ivy,

Things are way more complicated with a child.
Unless there is an abusive situation you cannot just give up
and walk away without exhausting every situation possible to
salvage a relationship and work it out.
I made this choice and I am trying to make it
work for my daughter and myself. Do not get me wrong,
my husband and I have a lot of issues we have to sort out.
I am telling you all the bad things because
that is what i need to get off my chest but there are plenty
of good things about him too that
I dont say. He does work at least 40 hours a week religiously,
never taking a day off for himself.

He lets me spend that money how I see fit no matter what with no complaint.
He also has the biggest heart I have ever
seen. He would give anyone anything he has,
and he would help anyone, which is why he is helping
his dad all the time. I never have to worry about lies or
cheating with him, as i know he never will. He loves me
and will NEVER cheat on me. The only lies I have to worry
about is if he actually took the garbage out or not.
The basis of his personality is wonderful. We just have some serious
issues we have to sort out. If we work those things out I honestly
think we will make a great family. I fell in love with him 5 years ago and to this day
I still love him, which is an excellent reason to stay together. If I ever
find myself not feeling that way than i will too be happy to call him my
ex as well, but keep in mind, children are a whole different ballpark.
You don't know relationship dynamic with children until your there.
It makes you think of your parents in a
whole new light

SailingM,

Unfortunatly, my husband doesn't read. He has never finished a book.
He is wonderful with mechanics.
He can take nothing and turn it into something,
and he can build a car from the ground up without a manual.
He just is not a literate person. When a doctor speaks,
a lot of it goes right above his head. I've tried several
times to explain migraines to him in numerous ways.

Just last night he was driving at night with
the subwoofers blasting, "I've got a migraine."
Both of those things would KILL me if i had a migraine.
I have come to the general understanding
that most people who have m. are sensitive to light and/or sound.
Also, not all but most of the time the pain is one sided.

He says, "My eyes are burning and my whole
head is pounding." I muttered, "It sounds to me like
you have a very bad headache, possible a tension
headache. Not a migraine." He didn't hear me so he pushed me to repeat myself.
I knew if i said it again it would start an argument so I just said nicely,
"Sometimes when you say you have a migraine,
it offends me because its not just a bad headache.
I'm going through so much trying to deal with this and
you just toss it around like its nothing."
He got really mad at me and told me that when he has
a bad headache he classifies it as a migraine
because thats what it is. A migraine is just a bad headache.
Thats as far as his understanding goes.

The project he is working on is converting a shed into a pool room.
(pool as in ball and stick, not swimming.)
Also, we only have one car so its hard for me to get
around especially since I don't drive on topamax,
at least until some of my side effects go away.
He takes the car when he goes to his dads house so i'm
stuck at home. I could always ask my mom to pick me up,
but usually when he takes the car he doesn't
drop off the carseat for the baby either, so that is out.
He never comes home to help me for the baby.
He will not leave his father who has severe problems with his back
(6 or so herniated disks) for a bad headache.
This is where the argument is, and its all about misunderstanding.

Oi.

>>> A migraine is just a bad headache. That's as far as his understanding goes. <<<

Oh no. That single statement sums up your situation. Now I mean this in the most helpful way possible, but someone needs to educate him on the differences between a bad headache and what migraines are. Until that happens you're fighting an uphill battle you can't win. Have you showed him some of the members posts here and the frustrations we go through?

Is there anyone else in your family or any friends who can be an advocate for you?

-Dan

Dan,

He won't listen to me. He won't read. And my friends and family are pretty ignorant as far as migraines go. The closest I have to someone understanding is a relative on his side who is on topamax for cluster headaches. She lives in R.I. We aren't very close, but i'd like to be closer. (We have a lot in common, we could be great support to each other) I can talk to her about informing him, but he's so damn stubborn I highly doubt he will change his mind on this. I honestly believe his definition of a migraine will remain unchanged until the end of time. I don't know how to work around that.

I swear look up stubborn in the dictionary and you will find my husband. I think next step is seeking counselling because this is the only thing I know of that might break through the surface of understanding.

I would seriously think about making that RI connection. You already have something in common, and asking her for advise will surly be a great ice breaker. At lease you would have someone to commiserate with (besides us of course).

-Dan