I'm having a sad time again

I've been having so many pain and neurological issues lately that I don't want to be in my body anymore. I am already taking Effexor XR, which I think is causing the tinnitus, so I think it is time to change the anti-depressant.

I've been having pudendal nerve spasms (um.. down there) and the last one yesterday had me on the floor sobbing my head off with pain. They are excruciating and nothing helps until its run its course. Along with all the other stuff.... I'm tired.

All I do is work and sleep. I'm supposed to go to LA with my daughter and her friend for her 21st birthday and I honestly don't know how I am going to find the energy.

I'm not anywhere near suicidal but I'm at that point where I just don't care too much if I stayed alive. Not a good place to be. I know this will pass, but when? I want even part of me back. I haven't even been able to read for more than 30 minutes before it is just too much effort to follow the story.

I feel like a very, very painfilled zombie.
Alli

Oh Sweet Alli, I'm so sorry.

Several years ago I got to the point where the only thing holding me back was I didn't have the strength or energy to write notes to my family. I had my method and means figured out. That was lowest I've ever been.

But, there have been MANY times when the feeling was more passive, I just wished I wouldn't wake up in the morning.

Last week during physical therapy I had to stop because of Proctalgia Fugax (the OTHER down there). It usually lasts about 40 minutes and the only thing that helps is soaking in the tub.

It just doesn't seem fair that we have so many other painful conditions to deal with. Some have IBS, fibro, back problems, chiari, female problems, or in Richard's case now a mystery lump. When does it stop?!

My hubby told me the other night that I always tell him how much I envy his high pain tolerance. He said it helps him because he knows the pain temporary and will go away. He said he knows even he couldn't cope if he was in my shoes where it never completely goes away.

Oh, I wish I was closer to you so I could give you hugs. Please feel the warm thoughts I'm sending your way.

Charlotte

Sending you hugs and prayers, Alli.

Vent all you like. We are here for you and know what it is like. This will pass. I sure wish I could do more than this.

Angela

Oh Alli,
Hang in there sweetie. I know it is so bad.
I have been feeling like this too, and the support of these good people has helped me so much.

To be among people, even though we traverse the globe, but who understand and can truly empathise means such a lot.
I know its not the same as having people around, but most of those around don't get it like we all do.
You have been one of those kind people for me, and I can only try to offer the same.

The tinnitus is awful I know. I used to teach a technique which helped many people but I cant seem to do it for myself.
I can tell it to you if you want, but likely you have already tried. If it is caused by a drug, this does make it harder.

I also understand about reading. I have to get my husband to read things (migraine) for me. It hurts to read more than a little, and if I manage I find I haven't taken it in. my concentration is crap. I spend my mornings watching day time TV. It is mindless, but just enough distraction without too much concentration. Almost all my days are like this, I dont do mornings.

Charlotte is right. We all seem to have enough with the migraines, but many of us have so much else to bear.
It just doesnt seem fair (Yes I know life isnt, but it seems pretty fair for a lot of people).
I wish I could help you, I wish there was something I could say.
Yes, this too will pass, but I can recall waking up one morning and telling my husband I dreamed I said goodbye to my kids. I wanted out of my body too. He told me he understood but I coudnt tell them goodbye......that pulled me around and I fought on. Still am. And you will too I dont know how we find the strength, but we do.

Take care my friend, be kind to yourself, and if you cant make the trip. Dont fret, do something when things are a little better.

Thinking of you.
Your friend
Pen

Ok...so I'm a professional cheerleader.... I mean....I get paid the big bucks to get people to feel happy again.

But I suck at it lately. I suck at it, because like you, I'm in too much pain. I feel for your girl!

You will get through this. You will start to feel a bit better at some point as well. It's so hard for us, cus we don't ever know WHEN.

I'm freaking out myself, as I have a beach vacation in a week...and my head is out fo control. I'm going....no matter what....but looking at the flights makes me tear up.

But we can do it Alli! We can. We will because we have to. Some things just have to be done...like eating, showering and every once in a while, trying to enjoy life.

I get the thoughts of not wanting to wake up. I'm ever so familiar. Or wishing that I had something terminal so I had a reason to give up the fight.

My kid brother died at age 26. We were put through a year of being told he took his own life. It was hell for those of us still living. It will always be my reason for not giving up. I really couldn't put anyone through what we went through.

But some days...it's so darn hard. But you can do it. Talk to your doctor about changing your meds. Keep reaching out. If anyone "gets it" it's us.

You are in my thoughts.

hey there alli

keep on fighting you will get better at some point- keep pressing the doctors to help you because if there is no specific reasons for the headaches they should be able to find a drug or combination of drugs to help i believe.
all the best

It breaks my heart to see you suffer like this alli. I hope you can find some answers and solutions soon. Feel better

Alli....I am so sorry you are down in the dumps buddy
This life is unfair...it is hell, but you DO NOT give in and miss a trip with your daughter!!! Even if you have to rest a lot of the time and don't do ALL of the things you may have liked to, do NOT let the M monster steal important memories for you and your daughter. Even if you only feel well enough to have fun for a lil while....that lil while will be a positive memory for you and your daughter to cherish for ever and ever.

You have been my beacon of positivity at times I've been down. YOU can do this....the tide WILL shift again, it always does.

Get some rest, and then fight back girl. You are a strong woman!! You can do it. We all believe in you.

Oh, Alli, I'm so sorry you're in this place now. I'm sending hugs your way and prayers are going up for relief.

I hope you're able to go with your daughter. Somehow, my kids and grandkids are the ONLY things that can life my spirits.

I know the feeling when the anti-depressant isn't doing what it's supposed to do. Please call your doctor and let them know as soon as possible. It's a very scary time, I know. The sooner you can get off this one and on to something else, the sooner things will start looking up.

More hugs your way. Take care,

Becky

I'm sorry, Alli. It it hard to enjoy life when you hurt so much.

Cheryl

I am so sorry for your pain. I understand completely. I feel like I spent a large part of the last decade thinking it would be ok if I just didn't wake up the next day. Maybe it would be a relief. If it helps, we all want you to wake up tomorrow. And I know your daughter does too. I think that the trip will be a great memory for you and for your daughter. My mother and I took a trip to France a few years ago. It is one of the best memories of my life. She also took my sister on a driving trip through the southwest There is something special about mom/ daughter encounter on different turf. 21!!!! That is amazing. I lived in LA for a few years. It is beautiful part of the world and you could have an amazing time. Get a nice hotel room with big, dark drapes and a GIANT bathtub. Take all of the quiet time you need. I think it will be wonderful!

I wish you luck and pain free moments,

Mary Anne

Hugs Alli as I am pretty wiped out myself today.

Risa

I'm so sorry you've been having such a bad time. Hope things may be a bit better today. I reached a very low point this week and picking yourself up isn't easy but we do it again and again ( ) - you will come out the other side.

Liz

thank you all for your encouragement. I am looking forward to the trip with my daughter and I know we will have fun even if I have to rest a lot.

You all are the only ones who really understand the feeling of just not wanting to be in your body as opposed to wanting to kill yourself. They are so different. I have so much to look forward to this year what with my son's wedding that there is no way I would leave voluntarily. But oh what I wouldn't give for a body that didn't hurt all the time.

I feel a bit better today as I've slept for 13 of the last 19 hours. A lot of sleep but my body seems to need that lately. I have an appointment on the 1st with my neuro and I'm on the cancellation list for an earlier opening. I may need to see my gp for the anti-depressant as in my experience, neuro's don't like to touch depression. But since everything in related, I hope she will adjust everything together.

Thanks again, You all are the port in a storm.

Hugs
Alli

Hi Alli,
Left a message FB. So glad you feel a little better.
As my dad always said (drove me nuts, but what would I give to hear him say it again)
"This too shall pass".
Take care my friend.
Have a great trip


Pen

I'm so sorry you're having all that pain, Alli. I wish doctors could know how you actually feel so they would really really really listen. I'm thinking of you.

hi alli so sorry to hear you are havin a tough time, i have been in that low place, and you just want your body to work "properly", it is truely exhausting, i really hope it passes for you soon, you always look such a lovely friendly person in your avatar, it cheers me up everytime i see it, hang in there.
thinking of you xxxx

Alli I there with you right now. There seems to be no let up with the pain (I have things that need to be done), but all I want to do is sleep. I have no real life any more. I look around and it seems like I have so much, but it doesn't matter...

Migraines really screw with your life. Hang in there.

02R96 wrote:I have no real life any more. I look around and it seems like I have so much, but it doesn't matter...

I'm right there with ya, Dan.

Becky