Migraine, Stress, and Abusive Father, Part 2

Happy New Year, everyone. I have severe chronic migraine, 24/7. I also have dire financial stresses. My mother and I are the victims of "financial abuse" from my extremely abusive and controlling father. I wish I didn't have to write this, but once again my father has me feeling so desperate and scared that my pain has spiraled out of control.

My dad is so mean and vindictive. He truly is a sadist who enjoys making people suffer. When he was younger and stronger, he would punch holes in the walls. Now that he is elderly, he has a new tactic: When my mom and I ask him ANY questions about our finances, he feigns deafness and completely stonewalls us! My dad is passive-aggressive in the extreme. He fell and broke his back, so now he wants everyone else to suffer. He has zero compassion for me or for my mom. My dad is also pretending to have senile dementia. (My dad has a LONG history of feigning illness to try to obtain sympathy or to gain even more control).

My dad maintains total control over the finances, even though he and my mom have been married for 50 years. My mom has always been a housewife and has never worked, so she is completely dependent upon my dad. They married very young. My dad has put my mom through so much abuse, and my dad has done insanely vicious things to me over the years. My dad uses his money to CONTROL. My dad makes my mom wait on him like his own personal slave.

For the past few years, I've been dealing with both breast cancer and chronic constant migraine. (I've had migraines since I was a teenager, and they have gradually become worse and worse. Now my migraine is constant and excruciatingly severe).

My dad insisted that I attend an extremely expensive private university instead of going to a cheaper state college. About halfway through college, my dad made me take out exorbitant student loans. At this point, my migraines had become so severe and frequent that it was doubtful I'd ever be able to hold down a job to repay the loans. I told my dad I didn't want to get into terrible debt. My dad got furious with me, making me sign the loan document. (My dad promised me that he had plenty of money and that I would NEVER have to repay the student loans out of my own pocket). My dad has made so many promises, only to break them! He also lies constantly.

It took my a very long time to get through college. It's a miracle that I ever graduated. By the time I finally graduated, my migraines had gone nearly constant, making it impossible to hold down a job.

At this point, I started researching SSDI disability. (I had work credits from the past). When I mentioned Disability, once again my dad got furious at me. For years, my dad accused me of faking migraines to try to avoid working or to try to obtain drugs, both of which are absolutely false and terribly hurtful accusations. My dad forbade me to hire a lawyer to try to get SSDI. (My dad checks every penny I spend, so there's no way I could have applied for SSDI WITHOUT him knowing about it). My dad promised that he'd give me a small allowance and I wouldn't have to worry about the basic necessities of life. My dad did NOT want to give up CONTROL over me.

On Jan. 2nd, 2014, I got an urgent call from our financial advisor. I was informed that my checks for Student Loans and for my Health Insurance had bounced. I was in absolute PANIC! Our financial advisor said, "There's no money in any of your father's accounts". I was speechless, confused, and in terrible pain. My father had suddenly CUT ME OFF without even telling me or my mom about it!

My mom was very angry at my dad for abandoning me and not telling me or her a word of it. What a horrible thing to do to someone----cut them off WITH NO NOTICE?! What a Merry Christmas and way to start the New Year!

My mom and I went to visit my dad in the hospital. My mom asked him, "Where did all of our money go? What's going on?" My dad wouldn't even give us the courtesy of LOOKING at us! He sat there CALMLY, watching the football game on TV! He can hear the nurses perfectly well when THEY speak to him, but he feigns DEAFNESS when WE talk to him! He is classic passive-aggressive and stonewalls us. My mom and I were FRANTIC, repeatedly asking him if he'd paid the mortgage or not. What about the health insurance? And the student loans? SILENCE! He seems to ENJOY watching us both SUFFER.

My father claimed that he couldn't "remember" where he put our money, which is total B.S. He was perfectly CALM. If someone didn't know where their money was, they'd be frantic. I told my dad I knew that he would be tapping into my Roth IRA. My dad denied this, even though our financial advisor had confirmed it. When my mom told my dad that I'd spoken with our financial advisor and had been informed that there was NO MONEY in the accounts, my dad claimed that *I* was HALLUCINATING!!! (Yes, I have imaginary conversations with people all the time---crazy! But that's my dad: Make everyone else look like the crazy one or the frantic one, while he remains calm and firmly in CONTROL).

I never thought it would happen that my DAD would be so cruel as to withhold BASIC INFORMATION. I now am late for my student loan, which will adversely affect my credit score. I don't even know whether or not I still have health insurance. I was unable to call Blue Shield or to get any info about claims or benefits on their website. The Affordable Care Act has really caused a temporary mess with accessing insurance info. My dad refused to even tell me whether or not I still have health insurance! He refused to tell me whether or not he'd paid the mortgage! He won't tell my mom anything, either.

For years, I've been trying so hard to get away from my father and his horrible controlling ways. I WISH I wasn't in chronic migraine pain and was able to work. (I'm no longer even eligible for SSDI---my work credits have expired). I recently posted about trying to obtain a part-time job, but now I'm under so much stress that my migraine pain is out of control. If I was healthy, I would have gotten a good job and severed ties with my abusive father years ago! I hate the fact that migraine has made me feel so helpless. I'd do anything to be able to work and earn my own money.

I know that no one can help me. All you can do is listen. Thanks for reading this. The rug has been pulled out from under me, and everything has come crashing down around me. All of this with an excruciating constant migraine and almost no money in the bank. And a very old car. My dad could sell this house at any moment, too. I have no one else to live with and no other family. My mom lives with my dad at an expensive assisted living facility. It's looking like my mom won't have to worry about money, but I have been cut off completely with no notice. What a rotten thing to do to someone who is ill! My mom can try to advocate for me, but my dad doesn't seem to have a heart.

I hope this doesn't ruin my relationship with my mom. My father has set things up so that I'll have no choice but to ask my mom for money, which I do NOT want to have to do. It puts terrible stress on my mom, because she doesn't know anything about financial matters. I wish I knew what other chronic migraineurs do for money. Maybe SSDI or they have better families than I do. What a mess. I feel so alone in the world. Constant migraine has ruined any kind of a social life that I used to have. Now it seems that all I have is one problem after another. This is truly a horrible way to start the New Year. Thanks again for reading this.

Best Wishes,
Brenda

Move to a shelter for abused women. The counselors there will be able to give you advice.

That is a good recommendation. You should also talk with a lawyer to understand your options with regard to disability and putting a hold on your loan payments.

I remember reading about the way your dad has treated you in the past, but the current abusive behaviour is verging on some kind of insanity on his part. I am sorry, I have not much to suggest in terms of practical solutions ( I live in UK so I do not know the rules that apply in your country), but seeking a lawyer perhaps in the some centre for abused women - since your father's treatment certainly amounts to abuse - is very good advice.

I have read all of your post carefully and my heart goes out to you. Such mindless cruelty leaves anyone with any compassion in their hearts quite helpless with anger. He is a very weak, very pathetic man if he gets kicks out of mentally torturing two helpless and vulnerable human beings. Normal father should be your best protector and not your torturer. Men like this are abominable human beings, there could be no excuse whatsoever for such behaviour.

I hope that you will be able somehow, to find solutions. Do not loose heart, do not let him kill your spirit. Seek help, search internet, try to fight back for your rights. I know how difficult it is with M, to force yourself to do anything, but try to make little steps, and see what develops.
And keep coming back here. Vent as much as you might want to. We are here, we will listen,

I feel so badly for you.

It's enough to be in pain everyday and then to have to worry about whether you have health insurance or a roof over your head.

What kind of man treats his family like that.

A miserable, spiteful human being he is.

I would see if they can suspend your student loan payments for now and go see an attorney that can help you get Disability payments.

I am on SSDI, but my BIL who has never worked, is on SSI and he gets rental assistance, food stamps, and other help along with his monthly check.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could get all that and never have to depend on your Dad for anything again?

I would definitely do that and see where it goes as it does take a while to get it.

So sorry you are being treated in this manner.

I don't even have words for how awful I think it is.

Take care and know that we will help in any way we can.

Cindy

I have a similar situation and plus my mom has cancer and is really sick so I have been sent off at 19/20 with no college education or job. Honestly, it has been the best thing besides the money stresser.

Apply for disability, food snaps, and extra money for housing. It might take two years but it will help in the long run.

With the migraines, you cannot afford this stress, nor do you deserve. Do not let any one tell you you are faking. For many years I had my family and friends tell me that and have left me. It is not worth the heartbreak. I am sorry you have to go through this.

Mandy