Chronic Migraine and Abusive Father---Feeling Desperate

I have chronic constant severe migraine. The pain is so severe that I cannot work. The pain is sometimes so severe that I can barely get out of bed. I now see a pain management doctor, and he is the only doctor who has ever really helped me. At least now I can function at a basic level. Before, I wouldn't have been able to type this post.

I've had migraines since my teens. My migraines went from intermittent to constant. I have a long history of severe and very prolonged migraines (3-4 MONTHS, typically). I used to have pain-free breaks, but no more. Now my pain is CONSTANT.

I spent the past several years getting through college and going to graduate school. I majored in Psychology. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA and highest honors. Unfortunately, chronic migraine has ruined my chance at any kind of a normal life.

My father is an extremely controlling person who can also be very cruel and abusive. It seemed as if the harder I worked to try to free myself from my father, the sicker I got. I even got breast cancer at a fairly young age.

For YEARS, my dad did NOT believe that I was ill. Even though I was getting straight A's in college, my dad would always say something CRUEL, for example "Yeah...and how many years does it take MOST people to get through college?" Well, MOST people DON'T have CHRONIC MIGRAINES! I've barely ever heard any praise from my father for all that I HAVE accomplished under great ADVERSITY.

Through the years, my father has accused me of various things that are both CRUEL and UNTRUE. My father thought that my long-time complaints of "migraine" were outright lies and that I was just LAZY. My dad thought that I was FAKING migraine. NOTHING could be further from the TRUTH! My dad thought that my alleged "migraines" were just a grand scheme to avoid working. I'm a perfectionist and worked so hard through college. I wanted nothing more than to get a job and get FREE of my FATHER.

I WISH I could WORK! My dad says really mean things like: "You're wasting your intellect". I'm in SEVERE CHRONIC PAIN! If I COULD work, I WOULD be doing it. I really feel desperate.

My father also has accused me of being a "drug addict" who doesn't even get migraines and just wants the pills. Again, this is so ridiculous I hate to even write it. In all my years of migraines, I've tried every kind of medicine available to try to END my migraines. I most certainly have NEVER abused any medication. Good pain doctors (like mine) DO NOT take on "drug seekers" as patients! I have nearly 20 years of neurological records to back up what I'm saying.

I've also been posting on this board for years. I used to post on the old forum a lot, then I took a break for a while.

Back in 2004, I was still in college and my migraines were only getting worse. My dad said horrible things to me and moved with my mom all the way to Florida without even telling me. (I live in California, born and raised). My dad hated Florida so he moved to Oregon. He hated Oregon so now my parents are back in Calif., causing me horrible stress and increased migraine pain.

My father is also extremely paranoid and horribly pessimistic. My dad automatically shoots down EVERY idea I have for trying to earn money. I have a high I.Q., but my dad treats me like I'm an idiot. My father has done some really horrible things to me, so if I don't follow every word he says to the letter, there will be dire consequences. ANYTHING and EVERYTHNGG can "set him off".

You have to "walk on eggshells" around my father----OR ELSE! My dad has punched HOLES in walls and all sorts of terrifying things! One time my dad threatened to "smash everything in this house" (The house I'm living in. I was so scared). On another occasion, my father grabbed my hands and threatened to "break every one of your fingers"---probably because I play piano.

My dad tries to SCARE me out of my mind! If I say I'd like to try to sell some things on Ebay, my dad tells me that if I miss one cent of SALES TAXES I'll be put into JAIL!!! I know that's not true, but my father can be really convincing. He IS a very smart man.

Back in 2004, I had an idea to try to give piano lessons from my home. I thought it would be a good idea to get some sheet music that I could give/sell to my students. My FATHER told me that IF I don't charge the EXACTLY CORRECT amount of SALES TAX that I would end up in JAIL. MY dad told me IF I don't get the exact correct business license from my city, I will end up in JAIL!!! It seems like all I ever hear is my father threatening to send me to jail, for ludicrous reasons!

My father ALSO makes extremely BIZARRE threats. When I called my BROTHER in Florida and left a (benign) message on my brother's answering machine, my dad became inexplicably ENRAGED. My FATHER called me and said to me: "Homeland Security is monitoring your 'interstate phone calls'" and "Soon the FBI will be at your door to take you in for questioning". FOR WHAT??? For making a phone call to my own brother?!

I know my father is either CRAZY or just plain ABUSIVE. I KNOW I have NOT done anything WRONG, and I really get sick of my FATHER's INSANE threats. My FATHER used to WORK with the POLICE and used to have a team of LAWYERS, so it's not entirely out-of-the-question that he could FABRICATE a ridiculous story about me and convince the COPS that I am a "menace to society".

Back in 1994 when I was still living at home, my father's preferred method of abuse was calling his POLICE friends and telling them ridiclous LIES about me. When my father wanted to "punish" me, he would pick up the phone and call the COPS, his trusted friends. MY father did extensive research into California's 5150 and 5250 laws. MY dad got his team of lawyers to draft up an affadavit filled with LIES about me, and had me hauled off in handcuffs, put into a cop car, and taken to a "facility". HORRIBLE things then ensued, which I don't want to get into here. I've still never gotten over the TRAUMA.

I later found out that my FATHER had to THREATEN and BRIBE the POLICE and a PSYCHIATRIST to get this accomplished. My dad had it all set up well in advance. (The duo of lawyers were his "good friends" who owed him a "favor"). For someone who is INTELLIGENT like my FATHER and has POLICE "connections" it is NOT that difficult to have his own daughter hauled away like a piece of TRASH.

I've NEVER committed any crime. I DO NOT have a "mental illness". I've NEVER done illegal drugs or abused prescription meds. But the FACTS don't matter when you are up against a POWERFUL and INFLUENTIAL man like my father, who knows how to ABUSE "the system".

My father is the smoothest LIAR I've ever encountered. It's NOT that difficult for a man such as my father to ABUSE the LAW in order to "punish" his daughter. ALL he had to do was LIE to the COPS and tell them that I was a "threat to myself or to others". (That's a 5150). MY father's LIES were so INTRICATE it was unbelievable! I had NO RIGHTS in the situation. I most certainly was NOT a threat to others. As for myself, I was sad and stressed by my dad's abuse, but NOT suicidal.

This happened in 1994. I left home immedately after, of course! All my father had to do was ASK me to leave home, but of course he didn't give me the opportunity to avoid his dreadful form of "punishment". At the same time as this event, my dad suddenly decided to sell our family home (big mistake financially!) AND threatened to DIVORCE my mother, whom he'd been married to for 30 years. My dad is ABUSIVE to my mom, too, but nothing as bad as the things he's done to me. (The threats of "divorce" were just to keep my mother in line. My dad had a lot of money back then and he was threatening to leave my mother "penniless"!).

My Degree is in Psychology, so I KNOW my dad's behavior is far from "normal". But you don't need a degree to recognize that! My mother justs does whatever my dad wants. My parents got married at 21 and my mom has never worked, so she's kind of like my father's slave. My mom follows my dad's every "order". My mom has a very convenient way of blocking out or "forgetting" my dad's abuse. I guess that's her coping mechanism. My mom does not recognize just how "abnormal" my dad's temper and behavior are. My mom lives in denial.

Does anyone else come from a history of domestic abuse/violence? My friends have hypothesized that my migraines are caused---or at least made WORSE---by my dad's abuse. The STRESS definitely exacerbates my migraine pain. I guess I'll never know if there is a connection between my dad's abuse and my progressively worsening migraines.

Thank you very much for reading this. Chronic pain, severe financial difficulties, and the stress of dealing with my parents is getting the best of me. I wish I could move to a tropical island and never have to see my parents again. I wish my non-stop migraines would END, so I could live a normal life.

Best Wishes,
Brenda

Yes, the stress if very likely a trigger, if not outright the reason for many of my migraines.

If I were you, I would cut off all contact with you father and make sure you have a restraining order for your own safety. This can be done in a town your father does not work in, specifically to avoid the 'favorites' to a bother in arms. Change your house/apartment locks, and refuse to allow his entry. This ongoing physical and emotional abuse can be stopped, but it may mean the lose of your contact with your mother, as your father will attempt to 'cut you off' from the 'family support'

Seriously. I have to agree. Your father is not only controlling and cruel but possibly psychotic and dangerous. For your own well being I recommend cutting off all contact with him. Thinking it will ever get better is just lying to yourself. Accept him for the demented soul he is, you cannot change him or please him. You need to make your own peace elsewhere. Move and leave no forwarding address. It may not cure the migraines, but if you can put it behind you at least you will reduce your stress levels.

I doubt your migraines are caused by his abuse; imagine all the people out there who also have abusive parents and don't experience migraines. My own mother had a very abusive mother and stepfather, but she has never had a migraine in her life (they come from my dad's side).

Of course, everyone always says stress can make migraines worse. So getting away from your dad and the stress he causes you could possibly result in a reduction in frequency or severity of your migraines. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you, however you should still get away from him for obvious reasons!

Brenda, I am so very sorry to hear your story and the unbelievable cruelty of your father which I am affraid signifies a serious personality disorder.

I think you must be very strong to have survive so far, and to complete your education to such a high degree, with migraines, despite a father like this. You have my full admiration.

I am also sure that once you make up your mind, you are strong enough to cut yourself from him and his presnce, which is poisoning your life and making you ill.

Yes, constant, extreme stress especially over a long period of time is a serious migraine trigger.
It affect our hormonal balance, and all sorts of systems inour bodies and has many long term consequences.

I had M all my life, but it was always at it's most painful and persistent when I had periods of great stress (like a divorce, or similar). This is one of the reasons why you need to get far away from him and to try to to start your life all over again where he cannot touch you.

However before you will be able to do that I think first you need to get some help and personal support locally.

I know that finances are limited to you, and I live in UK so I don't know what help is avaible in your community, but maybe some women organisations (look on interent) might be helpful in his respect with the advice where or how to get reasonably priced competent counselling in your area.

Being within grasp of a person like your father is dangerous in more sense then one.
He will stop at nothing to keep you near him, so he can bend you totally to his will and in the end to destroy all your reasons for living (so in his sick mind, you will run to him for help).

You are highly intelligent and articulate person who should be able to see these dangers, but you allow him to keep you within his will. I know that you have many valid reasons to stay near him, but he is destroying you slowly.

This is why I think that apart from any practical aspects your situation is much more complex then this. I wonder if you still have some strong emotional ties to him, without realising it. Abusive people often hold great psychological power over all their victims.
This is why I think you need some help in this, to make things even more clear in your mind.
I could easlily start explaining to you why I think that is, but I suspect that you probably know much of it already the rest you need to deal with in a different setting with one to one impartial counselling.

Perhaps you might be in a state of denial becasuse you are still hoping that somehow this situation will reasolve itself, even if rationally you know that this will never be the case.

Your father has serious controll issues which he uses to exercise on people who care for him or depend on him most. He has been doing it all your lives, and he is not going to stop it.

You need good support and help, because you really are in a bad place right now.

But no matter how your life is for you now, there is a way out. YOu must believe that.
So, in a new year try to use all you energy in one direction and try to find the will to get away from him.
You still have a life ahead of you, and better chance to fight your migraine without the constant fear of what he will do next.

Please stay with us, we will try to help as much as we can, we will always listen, but you need more help the we can offer and on more regular basis, locally.

I wish you Brenda, that this New Year will bring some long overdue positive changes and new beginnings into your life.
Come back and tell us how you are getting on.
Mini

I am required to get psych clearance before I can have my migraine surgery. I think this is to make sure that I will not become depressed or suicidal if the pain is extreme or the surgery doesn't cure my migraines. Anyway, during my psych eval the psychiatrist told me that there has been a study that does tie child abuse (whether emotional or physical) to people that have extreme levels of migraines and/or pain.

I also have a super crazy mom that would be a great match to your dad. I've been down that same road of emotional and mental abuse. You are not alone. You are sane. You are the normal one.

Move away. Start a new life. Get a neurologist that specializes in migraines. It makes a huge difference. Don't let your dad into your life. I moved several states away from my mom. I never talk to her. She doesn't know where I am other than what state I live in. Yes, I have moments when I wish I could have that mom/daughter connection, but it is what it is. Instead I focus on having a great mom/daughter relationship with my daughter and building family holiday traditions with her and my husband.

You can have a life and a future. Focus on you and helping you. Don't give up on your career. I have had migraines for 10 years and average 25 migraines a month and I haven't given up.

If one medicine or procedure doesn't work, then its just time to say " whats next?" Eventually you will find what works for you.

Stay positive. Relax. Find something that makes you happy. Its all perspective.

yours is a horrible story, and everyone has given you good advice.  the only thing i would add is MOVE OUT OF THEIR LIVES, NOW.  this may mean cutting off all contact with your mother as well, which would be tragic.  but for your sanity and health, these people cannot know where you are.  

we are here for you in any way we can be helpful.  personally, having decent parents who cared, i cannot imagine living around this abnormal behavior.  my dad was alcoholic and mean when drunk, but not nearly as abusive as you describe.  good fortune to you. sending good thoughts,  dianne

I noticed that the main body of this thread was posted back in January.

Brenda, how about giving us an update?

OOPS, mule kick; i didn't notice the antique dates.  i imagine and do hope that brenda is long-gone from her situation by now.  it surely would be nice if she would update us.  dianne

Thanks to all of the great people here who posted helpful and empathetic replies. I don't usually share my life story like that. I think I was just feeling really desperate at the time.

It's hard to believe it's been nearly a year since I posted that! Time flies.

Update: In January of this year my dad fell and injured his back. My dad and my mom are currently living in an assited living facility about 20 miles away from me.

I don't really fear that my dad can do that much to me in the state that he's in. He did do one thing, but it was relatively minor.

I've always gotten along well with my mom, so I'm sad to see that she's sad. Understandably, my mom hates living in the assisted living facility. I even feel sorry for my dad---I mean, he's in a wheelchair now. The assisted living place is super-expensive, too. My mom calls me up crying, telling me she never dreamed her life would get so bad. My mom was always pretty strong and not one to get depressed, so it's a lot to deal with.

I guess I'm not ready to cut my mom out of my life. My mom used to get migraines, so she's one of the few people I know who is truly sympathetic to my constant migraine pain. My dad pretty much leaves me alone, because he's dealing with his own medical problems. Now HE is on pain meds!

As for me, I've been in constant and severe migraine for 3 solid years now. If not for my pain management doctor, I would have gone crazy from the pain by now. Even with meds, I feel some pain and nausea with every waking moment. I haven't had any luck getting this migraine to end, unfortuantely.

I wish I could work, but I feel so ill. It's such a terrible job market, even for healthy people with lots of work experience. So I do stress about finances a lot. I didn't realize that work credits needed to get disability "expired". In order to qualify for disability, you need a certain number of work credits within the previous 5 years. I don't have that anymore. Even my pain doctor didn't realize that work credits "expire", and he's helped a lot of patients get Disability.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. I hope you have your own migraine monster under control.

Best Wishes,
Brenda