Anyone feel they're being punished?

This may sound crazy, but I often feel that, when I have a migraine and I am in agony, and vomiting, that God is punishing me for something! I cannot understand why I would suffer this degree of agony! Over and over again, year after year....you start to look for answers for why? I know why intellectually ( genetics, hormones, gender)yet in my GUT, I feel like I am being punished by an angry force. Later, I feel so guilt-ridden b/c I had to cancel all my plans and my life gets screwed up by these days-long headaches. I swear to god, migraines CAUSE anxiety and depression, just as the reverse can be true.
I do not even believe in a punitive God! Can anyone relate to wondering, what have I done to deserve this?

I've felt that way many times but then I realize things just happen. I used to think that because I had to endure these miserable migraines that surely I wouldn't have any more health problems but I was wrong. The older I get the more weird things happen healthwise. Now that I've experienced things worse than a migraine I don't fear them as much but they can & do ruin your life.

I see others that seemingly have no problems & wonder what it would be like to live a normal life & do what I wanted or just be able to plan a trip. I can't remember the last time I had a vacation.

I agree with you, things do just happen. Like you, I also have other health problems, and plus I am entering into perimenopause at age 44, which is throwing me off in many ways that trigger headaches, like lack of appetite, or insomnia, then a sleep-deprivation migraine sets in, or just the low mood of PMS, etc. I could complain all day and all night. Do you find that it helps you to talk to others about it, or just certain people who understand? Also, I am so impatient and angry these days, and that just isn't helping me relax, but how do I change how I feel? When I am healthy, I have a "grip" on life, but when I am in a migraine episode ( includes day before, during and 2 days after), I LOSE my grip on life and feel helpless and out of control and want to avoid anything stressful. Thanks for reading and replying to my post!
p.s. vacation? I hear you. and wouldn't a vacay help?

[quote="mattie"]I've felt that way many times but then I realize things just happen. I used to think that because I had to endure these miserable migraines that surely I wouldn't have any more health problems but I was wrong. The older I get the more weird things happen healthwise. Now that I've experienced things worse than a migraine I don't fear them as much but they can & do ruin your life.

Mattie- you mean there are things worse then migraine? Oh lordy.

I think it's a must to have someone to talk to that understands. The only trouble is the only ones I find that understand are on this forum. I've stopped mentioning it to my family, they don't have a clue what I'm talking about. At your age I had anger issues, couldn't sleep, migraines, seizures, etc. I started taking Neurontin which helped a lot, especially with sleep & anger.

You're entering a stressful time in your life. If you're fortunate enough to be able to take hormone replacement it will be a life saver for you. I haven't been able to take even the natural hormones. Even a tiny amount trigger seizures for me so I had to get through menopause without anything. I know they are controversial but I would take them if I could. I have a friend my age that has been on HRT for 20 years & she still looks & feels great at 65 years old, no health problems, travels the world, total opposite to what I do. We can't always help how we feel but maybe you can find something that will help you through the worst times. Good luck!

The only other painful condition I have had that rivals a migraine, is passing a gallstone. That is excruciating beyond belief. I have had about 10 ER trips in the past 12 years, either for M or gallstones. I guess I can be grateful that they do end, and life can be good. It just makes planning anything too difficult, and I find my circle has shrunk due to this. I guess online support is a godsend at times like this when I am home and getting thru the back end of a M.
What do you think would happen if you planned a vacation? Or perhaps just a weekend- 3 day- trip to start with? Read a GREAT article in the SF Chronicle about a Neurologist advising his 12 year old female patient top go to the amusement park on her birthday, even though it might result in a migraine the next day...she went to the park, had a blast, had a migraine next day, and told her DR. it was totally worth it!

I've had 3 or 4 gallstone attacks. I'd rather give birth than pass a gallstone.

Have not given birth, but that is quite a comparison!

I often wonder what the heck I did to deserve this! I think I'm a pretty good person overall, have lived a decent life, married 25 years this summer, raised two kids (one good, one bad but hey - you do what you can) - I just don't get it!

My visit to the neuro this week pretty much confirmed that the spike in my migraines and weird equivalents is due to perimenopause. These hormone changes drive a person crazy! I've NEVER suffered with such severe anxiety, depression and mood swings in my life! I can't believe how irritable I can get now! Sometimes I honestly think I'm losing my mind.

I at least try to convince myself that everyone has their struggles in life, whether its an illness, a loss of a loved one, etc. I am grateful I'm not any worse off than I currently am. Sure, I feel miserable most of the time, but at least I have a wonderful husband and can still enjoy life. Chronic pain is so very tough though. I don't think anyone can understand until they have experienced it themselves. Its sad how many doctors I've consulted with said if I was their patient I wouldn't get any narcotics for my pain (which my primary doctor prescribes and my neuro agrees with), yet they don't have any better treatment ideas which I haven't yet tried. I think with this type of pain I deserve the little bit of relief they bring. I don't think I'm being punished for anything because that doesn't really apply to my life. I think I'm a pretty decent person.

Icky stuff happens to all types of people, good and bad. Sometimes being more on the agnostic side helps because I bet if I was religious it would be a struggle to understand. My one big health goal currently is to not develop anything else. At 25 I have way too many diagnoses on the chronic pain & auto immune realm. I'm coping pretty well with what I have now, but worry I'll keep going downhill as I have seemed to been going since this all started. It could be worse though. Best wishes.

Smiled when I read this from tortoisegirl:

"My one big health goal currently is to not develop anything else. At 25 I have way too many diagnoses on the chronic pain & auto immune realm. I'm coping pretty well with what I have now, but worry I'll keep going downhill as I have seemed to been going since this all started."

I used to tell my doc that once I hit 40 I was done having things go wrong............and he just used to smile at me when I said that. I have found that even though the body still comes up with new and annoying symptoms I am much better at coping and rolling with the punches than other people my age (I am 52) who are first experiencing health problems. When I did hit 40 I started a new tradition which I laughingly credit with keeping me alive: every year on my birthday I give a gift to my family doc...........his incentive to keep me going and since he once thought I wouldn't live past 45 due to a cardiac issue I think it is working!

Thanks for responding ladies. I mean it when I say that it really helps me feel better about my situation. To read a post that I feel I could have written, it somehow makes me feel it is possible to cope. As a woman, I know that relating to other women is a hugely important thing to me, and I try to be supportive to other women, as I know how much I need it in return. One silver lining of chronic pain, it makes you much more sensitive to the feelings of others, more sympathetic. I supposed it can work the other way too, making people overly self-centered. My next door neighbor, 43, is battling stage 3 breast cancer-too massive for surgery- doing chemo to shrink tumor first- and THAT is a life and death situation. Helps put things in perspective for me.

Hi All,

I tend to agree with the "these things happen" camp. I don't know the reason why- I may never know why we have to spend so much time shut off from the world enduring pain that would knock down most people- but we do it.

I went to divinity school for a year and an idiot professor there actually tried to tell me that my migraines were a "punishment from God." If I could, I would love to have punched her or simply handed her the migraine and said "Here you try it." But I didn't. This was also the same person who informed me that my "migraines made me an inconvenince to others and a detriment to society." Really. I maintain that she skipped the Gospels.

Anyway, bad things do happen to good people. THe only thing we can go is deal with it, deal with life- frustrating and annoying as that may be.

Also, feel free to vent, yell, scream, talk here anytime.

Pain free days,
sailingm

sailingm said:

I went to divinity school for a year and an idiot professor there actually tried to tell me that my migraines were a "punishment from God." If I could, I would love to have punched her or simply handed her the migraine and said "Here you try it." But I didn't. This was also the same person who informed me that my "migraines made me an inconvenince to others and a detriment to society." Really. I maintain that she skipped the Gospels.

As I understand it, isn't Christianity all about "Compassion?" I guess some body only read the words, but did not understand the message.

Martin

Sadly people like that, teaching in a divinity school no less, give Christianity a bad name. I am sure God will have a special place for her since she seems to have missed the whole point of the message. A good reply to someone like that is "What a cruel and unChristian thing to say. I'll pray for you.". Unfortunately being a student it's likely you couldn't afford to be so forthright.

Do I think God is punishing us? While I admit to having wondered myself, no I don't think so. The Bible says God does not work that way. And too many very good people I know suffer through a lot, while some real jerks don't have any problems. I think we do get many challenges in our lives, health and otherwise, that we have the opportunity to learn from. This is certainly one of them.

I think I struggle a lot with acceptance. I tend to ask why? and feel frustrated when I dont have answers....I feel that i am a good person, and maybe I carry an assumption that being good should have good results. I mean, that sounds fair, right? yet, I feel like I have to suffer an unbelievably painful condition. For me, the migraine is so much more than just pain; it is mood/energy/spiritual dark hole. It is a dark place. A scary place. An anxiety-provoking breakdown of functioning. I know there are no black and white answers to it. I need to work on acceptance of it. Not easy, but I will try to work on it.

I understand what a lot of you are saying. I have struggled with "why?" and been in a very dark place, even just this past July. I turn to God when I am in my darkest times, and He brings me through it. I don't know how I would get through this without God in my life. I started reading If God is Good. It's a difficult book, but it has brought me answers about why God "allows" bad things to happen. It's worth reading.

Chronic pain has changed who I am, for better and for worse. I am more compassionate for others, but when I'm in the trenches, I am sad, angry, and a shell of a person. I'm much more cautious with myself. I used to be a daredevil, doing things like scuba diving, rock climbing, running marathons, etc. Now I don't want to do anything that might cause my body pain in some OTHER way, because I've got enough pain in my stupid head.

I do also look at other people who are suffering with cancer and who have lost children and I can say I'd rather have migraines. Everyone has a burden to bear in some way, and I have hope for all of us that we will come to a solution.

I thought of a quote I wanted to share...

I read a blog by Kate McRae's mother. She is a little girl who lives in Austin TX and has been fighting a rare brain cancer since she was 5 years old. A friend directed me to her blog, and this little girl (and her mom) have inspired and encouraged me for 2 years now. They're on Caring Bridge, if you're interested in following her journey. Anyway, this could apply to all of our lives:


"I read this quote by CS Lewis today... it put so perfectly into words what I know, what we believe, and yet what we struggle to daily remember.... "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad."

On bad days, I try to remember this bit of wisdom:

"We all experience pain; whether it is physical and/or emotional, but suffering is optional."

It helps to remember that there are others who have it worse than me and that my headaches came after my retirement. That seems to help me.

Martin

Having had migraines for about 14 years now, I am somewhat used to them, and sometimes they are manageable, IF everything goes exactly right ( meds on time, ice, calm down) . But, those times that the headache gets total control of me that I get so upset about what is happening. It helps me to hear that others also question why and have made some peace with it. I do think of my neighbor with stage 3 cancer, and it snaps me out of my self-pity. I do wish people were more understanding...so many people are just too self-involved to bother to understand what is going on.

I did not mean anyone on here is not compassionate! I have found people to be very understanding, which is wonderful and helpful.

I always feel like I end up having everything happen all at once.

This week, I slipped a disc in my back, I have a kidney stone and on top of that, I've had a migraine. I have asked myself every day "why me?".

I know someone with Trigeminal Neuralgia and I always remind myself that there is always somebody worse off than me.

I try not to feel that way, but I must admit sometimes (especially in the very long, very severe migraines) I find myself asking myself, God, and my husband what I did to be punished like this. I know that's not really the case, but when you're in such agony, it's not always easy to think rationally.

I know how it is when it all flares up at the same time. Sorry that is happening to you right now. When it rains it pours, right? I also have back problems and sciatica( & other stuff too) and for a fairly young healthy person, I feel like I am totally disabled some of the time, and it gives me much compassion for the truly disabled. It doesn't minimize my pain, my pain is real and valid just because it is not AS bad as someone else, however, I can feel grateful to not have it any worse, like some do. So, I know what you mean- be grateful it is not worse and not dwell too much on it.

' it's not always easy to think rationally.[/quote]"
That is a very good way to put it!