Feeling Sentimental

Not sad sentimental, happy sentimental.

I know people have empathy for Robert who is mentally handicapped. And yes, it does bring challenges and sadness. But it also brings so much joy.

I have a 22 year old son who will forever believe in Santa. BUT, I can ask him if I can ask Santa to come a day early so we can open gifts Christmas Eve so his brother can be there (though when we were at the mall I was told to go tell the mall Santa. Too cute).

The smile and laughter this morning when his Dad nailed him with Silly String when he came around the corner to get his French toast.

His older brother is after me to more independent living arrangements for Robert, but secretly, and I'll admit it here, I want him to live me forever.

The other day Hubby asked Robert to help Hubby bring the garbage out to the road (we have a long driveway and three big bins). Robert told hubby "Daddy, I'm a big boy now, I can do it myself". I had tears of joy. I think there are probably lots of adults who need to be "big boys" and do things by themselves! (and also reminds me of the day 20 years ago when we were told Robert may never walk or talk. Take THAT you know-it-all Doctors!)

He works at a resale shop with a huge warehouse. There was picture in the paper one day and I spied Robert way in the back of the warehouse. Dancing. When work gets boring wouldn't it be wonderful to stand up and dance?

I have been able to buy him the same gifts for the last 15 years (whoopee cushions are one) and every year he says "This is the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER"

If I bring him a soda home he exclaims that he is the luckiest man in the world. And he means it.

If I accidentally swear around him he tells me I'm being "inappropriate".

When I have a migraine he kisses the top of my head and gently strokes my hair and quietly says "I could do this forever couldn't I, Mommy?"

He ADORES and idolizes his older brother. And let's the world know. In turn his older brother is VERY fond of Robert and is now a Junior High Special Education teacher. I'm told he's very good.

Anyway, today I'm feeling very sentimental about the joy Robert brings me. I'm a lucky woman.

Yes you ARE, sweetheart. yes you are.

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Risa

Thanks for sharing your blessings. On another message board I have the Bing Crosby song in my sig that talks about counting your blessings, since it makes me smile and realize it could be worse.

I have a warm house, a full stomach, a job, clothes on my back, and insurance to help pay for my meds.... This should more than offset the nasty monster I've got bubbling in my head, but sometimes its tough to remember that when I ache.

Happy New Year!

Yes Para, it's a special bond you have with your son.

Cheers!
mgb

Your son sounds like a lovely, adorable person.

You have every right to be proud of him.

How lucky you are to have someone like that in your life.

I envy Robert's ability to instantly see sunshine beyond every cloud.

Thanks for sharing your story. I needed to read that right now and look past my own dark clouds.

Robert sounds like such a joy to be around. While I am positive you would prefer he was able to live the life your older son lives, it is so nice to hear you enjoy him so much.

I do want to encourage you to do what you can about his living arrangements. Doing so would be a gift to your older son. Not doing so, would place a big burden on him if/when the time comes that Robert must change his living arrangements.

I know you realize this but I thought you could use a nudge to consider what's best for both of your children.

With love,
£eslie

I know Dear Leslie. And when I'm up to it I will. Right now I'm fighting a dastardly bout of depression and doing my best to look at the bright things in my life. And Robert is one of them.

The thought of navigating housing needs (and yes, we've started all ready) literally made me cry. So many cuts have been made.

Finding the answer that suits all four of us is hard.

I'm on the Board for our local Human Resource agency and one of my goals is to get movement going to build housing for the Roberts of the area. But then I cry because the energy that I had 20 years ago to do and accomplish is gone.

Is a struggle to make it to the monthly meetings much less spearhead an action that would involve HUD, finding suitable property, lawsuits, etc. (the agency built housing for the mentally ill. They agency bought property in a subdivision so the clients coukd walk to stores etc. The agency was sued by the neighbors who had a "not in my back yard" attitude. They backed down when they realized our housing discrimination lawsuit would trump them and cost them $$$. ) (and, I understand their fears. I think many are fearful of the unknown. The subdivision has turned out to be very good neighbors for out clients).

Anyway, off track. I know, friend, I just need to bury my head for awhile and re-energize.

Bless your dear sweet Robert..he's blessed to have you as his Mommy and you are blessed to have him as your son. I bet Robert has the most beautiful smile..

We mothers adore our sons..I'm so blessed to have two..just like you.

I understand being sentimental.. <3

Charlotte - You are very lucky to have Robert. I would love to have both of you for neighbors. Both my sisters have worked with kids and adults who are somewhat mentally handicapped. They absolutely loved it. They enjoyed being around them more than their own sons who were "bored", "needed money", etc. etc. I used to teach swimming lessons to handicapped children. I loved it. They got so excited and were always happy. If I wasn't having a great day, I would leave work always feeling better. The Roberts of the world are a gift. Now if you could just rid of these horrible migraines!!!

Charlotte,

your son sounds lovely and you are a lovely mum. He is very lucky to have you too.

A friend of mine (who I have known for 15 years) has a mentally disabled brother. He was so embarrassed about the fact that he has never ever mentioned this to us. Only a short while ago at a family celebration did I meet his brother. He sat there lost in all the hustle and bustle of the celebrations and read a magazine.

I am not very good at large social gatherings either and tend to skulk around a bit. He must have sensed my social awkwardness and buzzed straight over to me with his magazine in hand and presented me with a stunning image of lighting. His enthusiasm and amazement was touching and contagious. Later I learned that he has an obsession with lighting and collects all sorts of images and articles about it. What a total sweetheart he was in the midst of all the posing and posturing.

Love

P.

Robert LOVES social gatherings. He was best man at his brothers wedding this summer and the last line of his speech was "Lets get this party rolling!" ( yes, he had been coached by the other groomsmen, but Robert meant every word!). He had such a good time I told the bride and groom that it was delightful of them to throw such a big party for Robert.

Robert is mildly autistic also. With autistism and some chromosaomal disorders such as Williams Syndrome, they often have an obsession and will be almost savant. With Robert it is movies. Every year he gets the movie encyclopedia. He knows how to read quite well ( with an IQ of 55!). I believe part of the reason is he watches a movie and memorizes the dialogue and then watches it in Closed Captioning.

He does repeat movie dialogue quite a bit ( that's called echolallia) so when he tells you so and so died before you react you need to ask him if it's a movie or not.

But on the other hand his mimicry is FANTASTIC!

How does Robert feel about living elsewhere? Wouldn't it be grand if his living arrangements were such that he was in your neighborhood?

An old friend back on Long Island lives on 5 wooded acres. There is a home for mentally disabled people in front of her property just off the road (her house is behind theirs with their driveway being right next to the ARC home). One day her daughter (a young teen at the time) was sitting in the kitchen when one of the residents walked into the house.

She was frightened but it all turned out okay. The owners/managers of the home apologized profusely. I think people are afraid that the residents of such facilities would be dangerous. I don't think so. I believe there are strict processes a potential resident must go through in order to qualify for such housing. Am I right?

When I was a little girl, there was a teenage girl with Downs Syndrome living across the street . I used to read my books with her (and play, too). My Mom told me one day Suzie was having trouble with a word. I told her, "that's okay, you're retarded, that's why you couldn't read the word". My Mom said I didn't use the word "retarded" in a derogatory way. Suzie replied to me that, "yes, you're right. I am retarded." We continued on our way. (typical blunt Leslie).

I believe it is so important to NOT hide people away who are challenged in life. I like the immersion programs which the NY state schools had when my boys were students (not sure if they still have it). People need to realize not everyone is cut from the same cloth. People fear the unknown.

I would love to meet your son, Charlotte. He sounds like such a happy person. Plus, I love movies, too!

PS I am glad you took my previous comment in the way in which I intended. You had lots of encouragement from everyone else. I wanted to encourage you to do the right thing (which I am sure you will).

Leslie you have no idea ( or perhaps you do ) what a hot topic the word "retarded"is in our world.

Some parents and advocates want it banned completely as a swear word.

In Roberts 22years he has been labelled mentally handicapped ( the term I use), mentally challenged, cognitively impaired, developmentally delayed, Intellectually impaired (challenged, delayed etc). The was even a push at one time to have the word "gifted" in there so it wouldn't be a put down.

Unfortunately trying to be so politically correct makes it so people don't know what the heck I'm talking about.

Like you, I am blunt. I have no problem if someone looks at me quizzically when I say he's mentally handicapped to then say he's mentally retarded. Cause guess what? They know exactly what I mean.

However, when I hear someone (and I hear it ALL the time) say to their friend who did something stupid " You are such a retard" it makes me cry inside. And often, if I'm not too upset, I will gently correct them. I have a ton of nieces and nephews and only one habitually uses the word. They have been trained by me

What ever term is settled on ( if ever) the bullies of the world will latch on to. "What are ya, impaired, you moron!?," and make it derogatory. You hear comments about "riding the short bus" all the time.

So, just an FYI, even if you're not using it in a derogatory sense there are people who get VERY offended if you use the word retarded ( believe me I know, I've been in support groups with them and have been lambasted when I'VE used it talking about my own son!)

My eldest son is a Special Ed teacher. He said it's even harder to keep up with the terminology for behavior disordered kids. The reasoning is they don't want kids labelled. Yet on the other hand you need consistency so that every one knows what everyone is talking about (and in this example I don't mean John Q Public. They don't need to know diagnoses. But all the professionals in the school districts need to be on the same page) Its a tight rope walk.

When I used the term with my friend (in the previous post) I wasn't using it to put her down. It was the only word that was used for developmentally challenged or mentally challenged people back then. Though I have to admit, when I was a teen, I used it as an insult toward others.

Fortunately, I matured and haven't used it in decades. I understand that it hurts those who live with mental challenges and their families. I don't like it when someone calls a man a girl or girlie man. It upsets me when someone considers my gender to be an insult. So I can understand how it would hurt you to hear the "r" word used that way.

A quick Robert story from today. His mind is such a puzzle. He can not tell you how much change makes $1, yet he did the following today.

Our generator wasn't working today and the power went out. I said I had to call Smiths Heating. He said "their address is 5849 River Springs Road". I was stunned and asked him how he knew that. He simply said "I read it on their sign"*

How many of us remember random addresses that we see in signs? Ours is a very small community so he has not been exposed to any advertising.

Another time I was doing Xmas cards and asked hubby what street his friend lived on. Robert gave me the exact address off the top of his head. I asked him how he knew and he said he read it in the phone book. And remembered it!!!,

He likes to read phone books, tv guides and movie encyclopedias. And he is pretty savant about what he reads.

Such a puzzle.

*actual company name and address changed in the interest of privacy.

Love the stories, Char.

Cheryl

I choose to think of everyone as different--some with higher IQs, some book smart, some street smart, some commons sense smart, some that take longer than others to learn, some gay, some heterosexual, some larger, some smaller. That is only one part of what makes us. Some are nicer than others, more generous, just plain fun to be around regardless of how smart they are or how they look, just plain a better person than others. I get so sick of labels. I'm not sure how they could be done away with since some people need and are eligible for special programs. I wish there was a better way of handling it. Who's to say anyone else is better than another person because of anything other than being a kind good person. Charlotte, your son is at the top of my list from what you have shared.

Thanks, Estree. He actually chewed out his Dad because his Dad took the garbage out. "Daaadd that's MY job!"

So easy to get along with. It took a lot of work though. When he was younger he had a horrible temper. Because he plateaus for so long we had a child the size of a five year old who was still in the terrible twos. I remember one time my late mother was so appalled because Robert caused me to fall down while he was hitting me. (she even told me I needed to "send him away"...took a long time for me to forgive that comment).

We found a behavior modification program that worked wonders with him called 1-2-3 Magic.

We were rather strict with him ( we were with my other son also), he already had so many strikes against him I knew that his manners and behavior had to be impeccable. And they are.

It always amazes me when I see a parent give in to a temper tantrum of a two year old. Yes, its easier to give in, but if you can't control them when they're knee high, how will you when they are 16 and towering over you?

And now he is a happy, helpful, well adjusted young man who is delightful to be around. When he graduated from 8th grade he got a standing ovation from his fellow students. Such a proud moment.

When my eldest son was in Jr. High they were supposed to write down their parents favorite saying during a "getting to know you session". I was a little embarrassed that he chose my saying of "I'm not here to be your friend". But it was true. He also used to complain that it was his bad luck to have a mother whose idol was "Judge Judy! Oh, well, must have done something right...he's now a Special Ed Teacheer and we are very close.

It is refreshing to hear someone else that raised their kids being a "parent", not a "friend". So many of my kid's friends had parents that chose to be a friend instead of parent, especially during the teen years. That is when they need a "parent" more than ever. You can always be a friend when they are grown up. My parents who are in their 80's and 90's are still my parents.

He has a ton of friends, but only one Mom. I'm supposed to teach and guide then AND let them know from a very early age that no, means no. Period.

Hubby and I didn't have much when the boys were young and in the end I think it was a good thing (though it was tough at the time). I didn't have the option of giving in when he wanted a particular toy, or a box of cookies.

We all love to treat our kids and make them happy. It must be much harder not to spoil and in turn give them unrealistic expectations when they are adults when there is more disposable income.

Agree 100%. I raised my 5 kids for the most part by myself and didn't have much money. I got the best compliment I could have gotten from my oldest son one day when I overheard him and his younger brother talking. My younger son had said to my older son, "We were never poor were we?" and my older son aid " No we were never poor, we were lucky". I'll never forget that because I was dirt poor. I just never talked about it around the kids, and had a happy hourse. I went without to give them what I could. They are all giving kids today. I'm always overwheilmed at Christmas time and birthdays when they give me such nice gifts when they might be struggling themselves. Being poor or rich is all in the way you look at it.