I have received an email from my son UPDATE Christening,

Thanks Risa. Yes my son has always been a people pleaser. As a kid if he was bad, he would just ask what the punishment was and take it. My friend once commented "why is he so bloody reasonable??" . He hates to be in trouble or upset people.

He is a good person, and is well liked, but he lets us down, and yes, I can see why.
As my husband said, "he has to live with her, it is easier to keep her sweet."

I would like to get him alone sometime and clear the air between us.
If he kept us a little better informed, and was clearer about things, I am sure there would be less misunderstandings.

We have had problems with her since she prepared for the wedding. She was so nasty to my eldest daughter who was to be a bridesmaid, but whose IBS was bad then. She called her some horrible things and accused her of trying to ruin the wedding...
He did speak up for his sister, but the damage was done. I can recall my (never get involved) husband two days before the wedding calling him and saying "Do you want us at this wedding or not". His response was, of course. My husbands retort was, "Well sort A, out."
Sadly, she heard.......AND he didnt sort her out. The die was cast!!!

Just before the first child was born, she was really getting "up herself", and he had finally had enough, but a baby was on the way, and I convinced him to be there, or he might never know what he missed. My daughters went to speak with her, we pulled out all the stops....
They worked it out, and now there are two children...Which he adores....
But "things" occur. And not one of us actually feels comfortable in her presence. My husband says when they come here he feels it is a "duty# visit. But I do think he could make it better for us, by at least being himself when he can.

I have tried to form a relationship with her. My mother in law has treated me like shit for 40 years. I never did a thing....my husband cant work it out either. She is 87 now and mellowed and things are better. I have never crossed her, and always tried to do right for her, because my husband would be stuck in the middle, but she is a bit mad we think... No way do I want that with my DIL, and so I try to be someone I am not.....I have taught her about Family History, my passion, and on that level we get along, but I still have to watch what I say.

Risa, I think it was Nika on here once accused me of being passive aggressive....sadly no. I am the feisty one. I have learned to bite my tongue, and be good. But someone mentioned perhaps DIL was. It is not a term used much in this country, so I have checked it out to be sure I got it. Yes, I think she is. She has also been spoiled and no one has ever said no to her.....

I cant imagiine that changing until the day my son finally snaps (he had a very long fuse, like his Dad). OR, God forbid, she catches me on a bad day and I slip.....I do hope that doesnt happen.

Thank you for helping me make sense of this. It is a huge point of tension, and although I feel my son could do better, to read your words,

She is the problem

, made us all feel better. My youngest said...listen to her mum, she is right,

Thanks Risa, and everyone. Sorry for going on, but has been quite cathartic.
I love this forum...

Ahhh, Pen, I too have tried to learn from my lousy relationship with my MIL. She said some very hateful things over the years the to me, and sadly, no, hubby never stood up for me order to keep the peace.

BUT, I never kept hubby from his Mom. Every Saturday morning he and the kids would dutifully go down and have breakfast at her house (and I got to sleep in! Yay!). I always joked that I was teaching my kids that if THEIR wives didn't like me, they knew they still had to bring my grandbabies to visit me! We'll see how that goes. I have a good relationship with my DIL, BUT We haven't had any conflict yet.

To bad your son wouldn't just bring the kids down a couple times a month for a short visit with you without his wife.

My BIL's ex wife sounds like you DIL...always had her way. One night she got drunk and mentioned divorce and my very passive BIL was packed and out the door in ten minutes! He was just waiting all those years for an opening and she gave it to him.

That's why I NEVER casually bring up divorce in an argument. I told hubby the first time he hears those words out of my mouth to be very afraid, because I mean it. Plus, I'm scared to death hubby will take me upon it in a heartbeat!!! He's an identical twin and much like his brother in personality also!

Ah Charlotte, the intricacies of the extended family...

I am sorry you too got the archetypal mother in law.
Mine is neurotic, she is like a little girl in many ways, and she lost her mother at 14, so who knows.....

My husband has tried to fathom why she has given me such a rough ride, and once, many hears ago, he grabbed my hand ant took me home, telling his father, "I'm sorry Dad, but if she wont shut up, we're leaving."
His Dad is a lovely man but has created his own monster. No one can handle MIL (well I could, but am not allowed).
She must remain on the pedestal Laurie perched her on, all those years ago.
She is impossible, but I have tried. When the kids were small and they lived further away, I wrote every week and sent photos.
I wa always reminding hub to call her, and if it weren't for me, she likely would not have every gotten any cards.
BUT she made it clear, that is for the woman to do anyway...
My sister in law has had the same problems, but they live 200 miles away, and she is not in the front line like myself.

When we made our trip to the US in 1990, his parents were supposed to stay at our house to look after the dog.
When we returned we found she stayed 3 days and went home. Not before she had totally changed my house to suit herself.
All of my kitchen was in the garage....she didnt like it how I had it....
She then complained because, in her absence, Laurie, on his own with the dog, had palled up with my mother, now widowed, and they had had fun together. Perfectly innocent. They had reminisced about the old days in the north over cups of tea. Jean was NOT happy....

I could write reams, but have no wish to bore. She is a strange and controlling woman. She has been no asset to our lives.
My children have always been taken to see her....by me...but they are not close to her. When we lived close I took the kids round whilst hub was at work. I am not sure she appreciated it, and I know they didnt....sad really, but she just wasnt fun like my mum.

So now I have the same again but from the other direction...what did I do to deserve this...
It is hard now as well. Jean is 87, and I still try to help, but she, as my husband said yesterday, impossible...
I dread when one of them dies, I dont know what we will do with them. We tried to get them closer to the family here....
They are not near anyone, but she wouldnt come and he wouldnt push her, despite wanting to come.
With my health problems it would have made everyone's lives easier and she wouldnt be totally housebound.

So you seem to be doing better than me so far at least. I had conflict before the marriage and hadnt done a darn thing.
We just couldnt whip up the level of required excitement for 18 months that she needed.
I hope you continue to have no conflict Charlotte. Mine seems to come from nothing.
I cant do right for dong wrong.....

Pen

Don't keep schtum here, Pen...we adore you(and your Yiddish!) Love your opinions, thoughts, consideration. You are adorable..how dare your DIL not see?!!!!
So sorry you are going through this...I believe there is someone difficult in EVERY family.
Thinking of you,
hugs,
T

That's very nice of you T. I agree about the difficult. Looks like we have two, or maybe it's me? I am the one in the middle!!
I have never made enemies, despite the fact that I do speak my mind and have a temper.
I dont inflict it on others, and certainly not MIL or DIL. I would just get another headache,,....
So instead of that, I am just too sensitive and end up hurt and angry.

As it happens, before my son found his wife, he was going with a girl who already seemed like part of the family.
No airs and graces, and so comfortable in conversation. Also brought up the same, so not much to disagree on.
But it was not to be, and to be honest my son and his wife were both on the rebound!!!!1

She told me eldest daughter that her previous fella ruled her and was jealous and controlling.
When they split, she swore no one would ever best her again......Hmm.

Anyway, its a done deed, and I have really been grateful for the comments of you all.
I shared with my daughters and they said if was great to be able to share like this.

Thanks T, and all of you. I will let you know what occurs at the Christening next week end.
Assuming my head lets me even get there. Sadly the anticipation is not going to help me.....

Pen

Just to update this. It is now 2 days to my grandson's first birthday and we have no idea what if any visit there is to be.
5 days to the Christening, and even my two daughters who are his Godparents havent had any information.
Nor have we had any form of invitation.

Am I being over sensitive.....probably...
But I have been really sick. I am migraining every day, hopefully just because of the bug, and I am feeling very sad for my cousin.
Might it be too much to hope one of them might care about me for 5 minutes...

I'm sorry, Pen. I hope they're just busy and will get in touch with you soon.

Sometimes our kids just don't realize the depth of our love for them and how much we need their love and support during these times when our health is giving us so many challenges. One day, when they've had more life experiences, I believe they will understand.

I pray you hear from them soon.

Please take care. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Thank you Becky. I have sent texts and an email, but no response.
I feel like giving up on them. This afternoon I pulled my back badly as I was trying to go to view my cousin who passed.
So now I am on the couch not sure what to put the ice on, head, or back....

My son is 37, he is old enough to know better I think, but will keep trying to be optimistic..

P

Just so's I dont paint a bleaker picture than necessary...
My dear son called last night. So it took 3 texts and an email.
I think we need to 'ave a word,......

One adendum though....Ha!!
My husband saw his mother yesterday (yes the evil MIL).
She was very "put out" by my son and his wife's behaviour.
Especailly the no invite thing. She reckons Grand parents should be the first to be invited to the Christening.
Friends later.....Hmmm. I feel somewhat vindicated...

Pen

For once I agree with evil MIL!!

paradox wrote:For once I agree with evil MIL!!

Ha!! Yup, so do I. She think DIL is lovely, but she speaks as she finds, and hasnt seen the "other" side.
But yesterday she, who is very proper, was disgusted that we have not had invites for either Christening, and have had to chase them for details.

I knew we would see eye to eye one day,...

Just thought I would mention my daughters-in-law address written stuff to me as EMiL for Evil Mother in Law.

I am very particular about language in my home. My kids all know this. However, in their homes I have no control. I freely admit that but they also know I will leave if the language is too blue for me.

Seems to me the DIL needs to learn what she can and cannot control and your language in your home is not one of them.

Thank you. I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that I will never win this one, so might as well not bother trying,
I am not confrontational with her, as I never was with EMIL (oh, do they really call you that?).
But we spoke (the rest of us) and decided that in future we will try to please the kids (when they are involved).
Our son, and she can like it or lump it.

It is making life way too stressful trying to consider he to the extent we do.
She is totally different to us all, and that's not her fault, but not ours either.
So we will do the best we can, and that's it.

I do intend to have words with my son when I can get him on his own, and ask him to keep us better informed of her "moods".
And I agree, I shouldnt have to apologise for things in my own home...
I think I have done enough to try and keep the peace.
I am sorry for him but its his call, not mine.
I bit of communication would bo a long way to improving things.

Pen
NB: Text from DIL this morning saying after all that, they are lunching out tomorrow for g.son's birthday.
Would we like to go. Just Tuesday night my son told us they had no plans, and I said, ok we will just plan our day then.....
She knew this, she was in the room. Her folks do not work, and will get to go.....we (well not me), but rest of us, have now made work appts. See what I mean...

Sounds like she is a bit passive-aggressive. You can't win with people like that. Now she can say that she invited you but you didn't go. Of course when saying that she will NOT say that she gave you only 24 hrs notice. Typical passive-aggressive.

If it was me, I would go about my life and see your son and the kids when you can but not cater to her whims. It's too bad that so much time is spent making sure she is "ok" with what is going on. Maybe when people stop catering to her, she will get a clue. Probably not, but at least you will have a more peaceful mind.

We go through to much to play games like this. I really hope that things get better.

Alli

Thanks Alli. Pretty much what we need to do I think.
I swear, if you met her, at least initially, you would think how nice she is.
And she is. But she sure likes things just her way, and pays little regard and no respect to our situation.
I have the migraine and the fibro, oh and the IBS. Daughter has IBS.
BUT we do our absolute best to fall in with everything, and never grumble.
She just seems very self centred. I do wonder how much she loves my son.
I feel bad for him sometimes, but he chose her. AND he did know what she was like.
The demon was unleashed when they were preparing for the wedding.
He did say to me, not long before that he was unsure and had thought of calling it off.
But he wasnt getting any younger and didnt want to be on his own....He was 28?????

Hi all,
Just wanted to let you know I made it to the Christening.
I set my alarm for 7am and took a Migard.
Not sure why it took so long, but by noon, I was feeling my pulled back was a bigger problem.

So, wearing a totally different outfit, because the planned one would have showed up the back support....we went
Apart from some sort of ice pick thing going on (not something I get often), my head behaved itself.
AND I had a half glass of champagne. (not drunk alcohol for years). I seem to have got away with it...

MY DIL was actually very nice to me
We didnt speak much because she was host, but what she said was friendly.
My son was busy, so we didn't speak of "the troubles".But I am going to find a time soon.

Harry was so good for the Christening. He looked cute in his little waistcoat (vest).
And they hadnt cut his hair thank goodness....Would post a picture, but dont know how on here.

Anyway guys, just wanted to let you know, and say thanks again for all your advice and comments.
I have the funeral to get to on Friday which is way too early for me at 1pm.
Then DIL and I meet again at theirs on Sunday for their daughter's birthday...

Watch this space...

Pen: glad you at least were able to attend the christening and even had a sip of champagne. Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you. Bad morning and day so far. One of those triptans that just dont hit it.
But I just have to be okay for the funeral friday. Then the birthday sunday.
I can relax a bit after that.

Thanks.
Pen

I'm glad the Christening went well and you were able to go.