Depression is setting in

I have just been so down lately. I was already low before the big family reunion, so that couldn't have been the whole picture, although it may have added to things. Over 70 people attended! My mom was one of 14 of her cousins who made it; of the 17 original cousins, one is deceased and two didn't show. And one of my grandmother's 7 siblings was still alive for the event too. (My brother likes to tell everyone that he is great Uncle Bill because he is GREAT!) So it was kind of hard to see everyone as they are now grown and have families of their own.

But that isn't really the main element of my depression. Until I reread the post I made a few weeks ago about being single, that wasn't heavily on my mind. Yes, I did feel somewhat bad about not being one of the ones who has moved on with life, having a career and family, but I also seemed to do a better job of recognizing that at such events, everyone puts on their best face. They could entirely be miserable in their job and hate their wife or husband, but at the family reunion they would look happy. And I seemed to have recognized that.

One thing did bother me. I wrote a while back how a church I attended during my first year of undergrad kicked me out because I wouldn't break up with a boyfriend I had slept with and had asked the church leadership in getting the relationship back on a Christian footing. The leadership had essentially said, "Yes, but don't call us; we'll call you." It was six months later that I got kicked out. And after we had found a married couple in the church to counsel us, and we had stopped sleeping together and were happy. I have done a lot to deal with the after-effects of being treated like that by a church, and I really thought that I had truly dealt with things properly, had forgiven the pastors of the church, and had moved on.

But at the reunion, I had to deal with my mom's younger brother, the uncle that is semi-estranged from the rest of the family because he resents the rest of us and has radical religious and political beliefs (he is probably righter than the "religious right" and adores Sarah Palin, to give you an idea). This uncle was going on and on about this conference in Sacramento that he just attended. When I didn't know anything about it, he mentioned the name of the speaker, who is the organizer of some religious group called "The Call," and to whom my uncle gave sole credit for the passage of Prop 8 (now we know who to complain to, Richard!) The man he named was the particular man who had called me to his office 14 years ago and told me that I was required to break up with my then-boyfriend because "once you sleep together, you always will. You can't change." (Christians on this site will recognize how contrary that is to Scripture too!)

Just the mention of the name made my blood run cold and my skin creep. There is no way I was about to tell my uncle of my specific situation, but he wouldn't believe me when I told him not to trust that man. I said that I had attended his church for two years, at which point my uncle stopped listening and got all excited, "She used to go to his church! Isn't that wonderful?" to his wife. Nothing I nor my mother (who only learned of this event after I really had broked up with the guy) could tell this uncle would make any difference, and he almost said in so many words that he didn't believe me.

I still am uncomfortable with the whole thing. My brother's response was, "Well, this is that uncle. You know that you can't trust him. Just don't listen to him." That's a lot easier said than done though. My close friend, who is getting her Ph.D. in social psychology and is sort of my personal therapist, said that I had really dealt with it, but that what I was reacting to was the hurt from my uncle at his blatant disregard of everything I tried to say.

I just didn't have the heart to go into the whole story with my own therapist. I'd never told him because I thought this was all over and done with.

Is that the source of my depression? Not all, to be sure. Maybe just several things all coming together at once? I don't know. I just know that I just care too little about things, even too little about suicide. I'm down, but I don't have enough desire about anything right now even to desire ending things. Have you ever experienced that?

I'm supposed to lead a couple things with the international students this weekend, and I just don't have the drive to want to do anything. I'm holding a meeting with the church members of our group to go over basic tips on talking with someone who just came to the U.S. and to go over a new set of guidelines I put together to make sure that people are sensitive against making moral judgments about behavior that the students may engage in that they wouldn't do. After all, if the students aren't Christians, then they have no reason to behave according to the code in the Bible. I have been anxious about this meeting for a while because of problematic behavior of people last year, but I don't even care much about it right now.

Sigh.

vicky, here is where you need to draw on all your knowledge and personal experince of your relationship with jesus. one major thing in that is a letting go of hurt, memories and pain etc. if oyu bury them they lie there just to resurrect at another time and get you very down and depressed. jeus said cast all your cares upon him, not some of them, all of them and dont take them back!! go and spent some time in prayer doing that and then put on a worship take to lift you from out of yourself and into his presence. i read a saying this week " dont talk about how big your problems are, talk about how big your God is" the israelites of old always sent in the worship "team" first into battle, so get your worship team out vicky and stand in that very strong faith that we all know you have in an even stronger God.

Vicki,

I had a very similar experience with my BIL. I was in a different profession many moons ago, one that was dominated by males. My boss, believed that women were only good for one thing, and since I wouldn't do that with him he made my life MISERABLE. I suffered two miscarriages and finally left my job after heavy soul searching. I had no witnesses, and no desire to be tied up in court for years in a sexual harassment suit (which weren't very common back then).

Thankfully the man left town. Five years ago he moved back. And was running for the same job that he had when he abused me. I had a panic attack every time I saw the man.

I was telling my brother-in-law about it, telling him not to vote for this man, that he did terrible things to me. My brother-in-law looked at me and said "He's not here to defend himself". I was stunned. He repeated himself. I was crying, pouring my heart, and that was the response that I got?

I stood up, looked him in the eye and told him to "F*&K OFF". He stuttered and said "What?" (I don't normally swear). So then I yelled it "F*&K OFF!!!!". I went inside, grabbed my husband and we left. Ironically the family took my BIL's side. Ironic since not one of them asked for MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I avoided family gatherings for a long time after that, and to this day am not as involved as I used to be.

Two years ago at my niece's wedding my BIL apologized to me for "being a bad brother in law". I appreciated the apology and accepted it. But, I still keep my distance and limit conversation to pleasantries.

Our lives are too hard already to be around people who put us down, and don't believe us. Stay away from this uncle, or keep it to a "Hi, how ya doin". Don't let him or any other family member put you down.

paradox wrote:Vicki,
told him to "F*&K OFF". He stuttered and said "What?" (I don't normally swear). So then I yelled it "F*&K OFF!!!!". .

I love it!!!!!

Vicki, Depression is anger turned inside and that sucker festers like a disease. "No one walks in your shoes and you are only answerable to God."

Phone him up and give him what for. Or write him a letter, or whatever other form suits your style. As for anyone else and their opinions.......please reread "No one walks in your shoes and you are only answerable to God."

Jerks can and will only hold you down if you let them. Bully's are a plenty so shake them off one at a time. Turn the other cheek also means walking away from their drama that really has nothing to do with you unless you let it. You've done no wrong and if you have, it's no one's business but yours and the man upstairs.

Don't give these bully's the power over you. Trust me, from one nice girl to another, it feels so good to ream someone out who deserves it, and it doesn't make you unnice afterwards. You remain nice......and not depressed.

Oh Vicki,

You have yet to move with life? Give me a break! Really!

You have a disabling illnes and YET ....

You are developing guidelines, leading meetings, making relationships with people from vastly different cultures WORK, continuing loving relationships with your family members all over the world ...

You are actually DOING what most of the USA considers hard work! Meaningful work! A vital part of the American society work!

So you are not getting paid ... so what? You are neither cold, nor hungry, nor hungry .... you are a lily of the field!

As one disabled person to another, you are AMAZING! You have no idea how very much I respect all your drive and ambition and the most excellent jobs you are doing. I mean it. I respect the WORK you have reported here.

Now, you have two problems ... one the super conservative uncle and two, the religious bully.

As to the Uncle, what the heck. How often do you see him? Do you even like him? We choose our friends but none of us has any choice in our relatives. I used to worry that I was not closer to my three brothers. Recently it struck me that we have absolutely nothing in comman ... except being brothers. If we did not have the same parents, I sincerely doubt I would even know them. They are OK - but they don't get me and I certainly do not get them. It did bother me that when I was a professional politico, that one brother supported the exact opposite issutes, referenda, and candidates from those I supported. But what the heck? He has every right to his opinion, same as me. And I have neither the time, resources, nor actually the deisre to change his mind ... as if I could.

I would bet my monthly income that there is absolutely nothing you could say or do to change your uncle's mind. So why bother. We are required by faith and society to honor our elders and relatives... but that means neither agreeing with them nor even liking them. Non corundum illigetimi ... as my Dad used to say.

As to the pastor ... either let him have it with both barrels. Not my way but I can see how it would be effective. But I am much more liturgical than I am confrontive. Especially over something long ago and far away with a bully I neither see regularly, like, nor respect.

Another option is to clean this bully out of your heart. By doing something. Write a letter confronting him, pray and burn the letter ... letting his bully ways go up in smoke. Or find something that reminds you of this bully, and bury it ... and all his hurt.

I find, for me, that doing "something" ... something I can see and feel and smell ... helps me get rid of clutter in my heart from bullies and other negative influences in my life.

So give him what he deserves by phone or letter - really judge the heck out of him and let him or know it .... or do something to help erase the effects of this bully from your heart. Take the pain and humiliation and burn it up or bury it or .......

And after you do something about this bully, follow up immediately with a self affirming ACT that demonstrates to your heart that you did NOT deserve to be bullied by the pastor, that you are a good and worthwhile person. I have no idea what that special something would be ... a spa day? tickets to a play? A ballgame? Anything that you consider to be a real treat .... because after erasing this bully from your heart you deserve a treat! Give yourself one!

And remember - you are an absolutely amazing worker. I have nothing but respect for you. We share different faiths, we come from vastly different perspectives ... yet you have the amazing ability to have earned my liking, my friendship, and my respect. It really is an accomplishment if you consider it - the way you reach across barriers and befriend people. Utterly amazing! A real gift AND hard work on your part.

Give yourself a real treat! You deserve it!

I am a great believer in what goes around comes around. Whether you want to take this as Yen and Yan, or God dealing out justice or whatever; it is incredible how bad people get their own back.

Sometimes it takes years, but you know, I've never seen it fail and strangely enough, it happens in some really mysterious ways.

Make the most of your own life, and let fate/God deal with the nasty people of this world.

Marion is correct...the man who sexually harassed me? Lost by an embarrassing landslide. The same position he had won by a landslide 25 years before.

And I don't think my unimaginative language would work with your unc. He would turn it on you. But, you are a smart cookie, you can say your f&$k you in a very eloquent manner. It's almost more fun to do it that way. Do me a favor, and some where in the letter write "how nice". It would please me to no end. It's an inside joke that really means F you and it's makes me feel so good to say it at family functions even though Hubby and sons are the only ones who know what I 'm REALLY saying.

Oh Charlotte,

How nice of you to reply on this thread!

ROTFLMAO

I am headed to a family reuniion of my own in thenear future ... I shall remember this MOST useful vocabulary lesson. Really, thanks for sharing this charlotte!

And YOU, Richard, have a gift for so eloquently lifting people up and giving them encouragement and support. You are able to see their true gifts and attributes and reflect them in a compassionate and encouraging way. What a blessing you are to each and every one of us.

Vicki, Richard is spot on. You are a wonderful, loving person and I have only admiration for all you're able to do.

Thanks for the affirmations! I think the issue with the pastor threw me off so much because I genuinely believed I had completely dealt with it. I had become able to talk about with other people and not feel bitter in the retelling, just using it as a means of suggesting that they not go near that particular church. So why was I so upset when my uncle held the man up in such high esteem? I have no idea! I have very little to do with this uncle because he is so self-centered and doesn't care about what the rest of the family is doing. When we were moving my grandmother to a senior citizen's home, while the rest of the family was moving furniture, he was on the phone with his lawyer because he was angry that she was dividing up her assets in a way that he didn't approve of! Since my grandmother passed away five years ago, I doubt I've seen this uncle more than once or twice. I do feel it's a shame for my cousins' sake. One just started college this semester and the other is in his last year of high school. I'm friends on FB with the younger cousin, and he seems a neat guy who hasn't inherited his father's nature. I do send postcards to the family when I go on vacation, but I send postcards to everyone, and I do that more for my cousins' sake than my uncle's.

But I don't think that this encounter is the root of my depression. Yes, it was one incident that really threw me off. But I was quite depressed before I ever got to the family reunion. And I wasn't thinking about relationships or jobs or things, just sort of subsiding. I have gone to that place where you care about little to nothing and don't even care that you don't care. When I'm there, I tend to block out everything else and just stay in bed. My head has been bad enough that I would have had to stay in bed anyway, but I really don't feel like doing much.

Tomorrow I have to go to church to lead the orientation for the international student group, to make sure that the church members are more morally sensitive. And also to remind them of basic techniques for talking with new arrivals to the U.S. Since our present group of students has been here a year, people may have forgotten what it is like to talk with someone who has just arrived in the U.S. We had one such student over at my house in Thursday night. I had asked a student to come help me put together a PowerPoint of pictures from the year, and she brought along another student who has been coming all year and her new roommate from China. They were such a help with the PowerPoint! I'm not much of an expert in that, never having been expected to use PowerPoint for any of my class presentations. I only learned how to use it when I wanted to put together a lesson on plagiarism and wanted to be able to contrast original texts with plagiarized texts.

I wish there were a way for me to show you the PowerPoint because it came out really nice. We have about 50 pictures in it, from the whole year. I also got a song called "Love in Every Language" to be played in the background, since that defines our group so well.

Usually I get extremely energized when talking about ISI, but now, I'm not. If I could have, I would have just stayed in bed all week and not bothered with a PowerPoint, and I would love to skip going to church tomorrow to hold that meeting, but I made a commitment, so I'll keep it. But I haven't figured out certain logistics, such as where I'm going to get the pizza that I promised to provide for lunch, and what to do about ice for the drinks (a question my mom just posed to me). I didn't even get a room assigned for our meeting, although that shouldn't be hard to find one after church, since not much happens on campus after church.

Oh well, I need to go to bed now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

how are you feeling today vikky?

lifting you up in prayer, Vicki..hoping, that today brings you peace and joy.

We all love and care about you here.
blessings,
greeneyes