Why do so many marriages fail? (And how do you prevent that happening?)

You're all talking about how much hard work it is to be married. I have to voice up here and say it is and has been a breeze for me. Yes, it's compromise and respect and all of that, but having been married for 15 years has been a piece of cake for me.

My husband and I have discussions, not arguments. We respect each other's point of view and opinions. He is completely there for me when I am incapacitated with one ailment or another. We both pull our weight with household duties. Being married to him has been a dream. I would not have it any other way.

I was 24 and he was 22 when we were married. I would do it all over again.

Lynelle we share all chores and everything as well, and have done pretty well.
We seldom argue, and always discuss and respect, which I think I said.
He is supportive and patient with my health problems.
I chose well.

If I was writing after only 15, or even 25 years I could have written the same lines as you.
It has gotten harder and it is hard work. Life throws a lot of stuff at you as the years go by.
It isnt because of him or me, it is life.
Children with problems, parents with problems, you become the sandwich generation.
It can be hard to juggle it all and keep the balls in the air. But we have.

Hard work is not a bad thing, it is just what is necessary.
People perhaps don't recognise that they need to work at a marriage or relationship
at least over time. But it is worth it.

You are both still very young. Lets talk again when you have been married 40 years.
Right now you will say, as I would have, it will still be the same, and I hope it will.
But there are such different challenges.

Congratulations on your happy marriage Lynelle

I feel like I shouldn't even be writing in this thread with this incredibly knowledgeable group of people, as I have only been married 5 years.
It has been hard.
DH works from home, and I'm on disability. I think that this is a huge issue. When I was working, I had that space, as Pen said.

DH is an extrovert. He gains energy from being around people. I am more of an introvert. I gain energy and re-charge by being alone sometimes.
So, he has had me around. Too much!! Yet even if I am in the bedroom, and he is working in the office, he calls and wants me to sit in there while he works. Umm.....noooo thanks....I've tried, and its hard to sit there. He is really hurt by this, wherest I still feel that we are (ummm) too much on top of each other.

I may start a new thread on introverts and extroverts...just curious, especially with us all in such pain. How on earth do very extroverted people do it? Reclusing must be harder for them...

All the best,
Tea

My husband and I have discussions, not arguments. We respect each other's point of view and opinions. He is completely there for me when I am incapacitated with one ailment or another. We both pull our weight with household duties. Being married to him has been a dream. I would not have it any other way.

I was 24 and he was 22 when we were married. I would do it all over again.

First of all - heartfelt congratulations, Lynelle and hubby! and you too, Pen.
Lynelle, your example shows you must have been a match made in heaven from the very beginning!

Tea, with sadness- you are an example of simply mismatching. I am sorry it didn't last.
but don't you think looking back it was rather obvious such a union wasn't destined to last?
And, you know, it's was neither yours or his fault- it was just a matter of two too different people being together, unable to meet each other needs.

Risa

Risa, I agree and disagree with you. hubby and I have been together 28 years, married 26. We are polar opposites in terms of education, cultural background, personality, etc. Our first Christmas together we were looking for a music cassette of holiday music. At the same time we each exclaimed " I found it!". I had the Mormom Tabernacal Choir in my hand. he had The Chipmunks Christmas Album (" me, I want a hoola hoop!").

he is very laid back and easy going whereas Im a little more, ummm...high strung. I handle all major decisions and pay bills.

Some how though it works for us, though I don't understand why it does. We have made it through having a handicapped child, me going back to school for an advanced degree, and now my health issues.

I didn't go into my marriage thinking it would be forever...I had doubts. But somehow we're pulling through.

Risa...sorry if I wasn't clear. I'm still with my husband. We are about to celebrate our 5th year anniversary. Times got hard when I got sick. I miss working out of the home.

We have arguments but are also now in therapy, which so far has been really good. Our religious and political backgrounds are the same. We are both immigrants (from different countries).
We are just different in personality. I think Lynelle or Charlotte put it, he is more laid back and I'm the one organizing, paying bills, etc...

I'm an extremely loyal person and I'm going to work hard to make this marriage better!
Trust me, my blinders aren't on. I think what Pen said is true. We just have to learn to respect each others differences...

xo
Tea

AlmostAngelea and Cluelesskitty had some great comments and great words of advice.

I do think that some people just grow apart. It is hard at a young age to know what you
need in a partner for rest of your life. I think a lot of it is pure luck (you picked the right person or the right person came around at the right time).

One more thing. I disagree with that it is very hard work. I don't think it has to be if you are with the right person. There is some work involved but if it is that hard, something isn't right. I was married 13 years and didn't consider it hard at all. In fact it was easy. We grew apart though. He died of cancer after we were divorced but if he was still here, we would be great friends.

OK, I am going to re phrase the hard work. To me it is hard work sometimes now, but it wasn't always.
So now, who else has been married 40 years on here.....
Please let me know if it has become harder because of the crap life throws at you later on.

It was a breeze, it was effortless for the first at least 25/30 years.
Having babies, kids going through school, teenagers, no sweat.
And they were the hungry years, so much incentive to really pull together.

But as I said previously, things like menopause, and redundancy and parents dying, or living a very long time and being very difficult.
Kids growing up, having to move back home because of recession. Their own relationships failing.
Thinking you finally get to retire and have the house to yourselves, and having to share it all over again.
Hardly ever getting out of it because of pain. And so much more that was not applicable 40 years ago.

It has been hard work the last 10 years or so.
Maybe it isn't for everyone, but my health problems have really caused problems.
Hard work, but isn't it better to work a little harder to pull it together than to walk away if you still have a lot together?
I cant put the right spin on "hard work" because it sounds negative.
But it isn't, it is a good thing. We have put the hard work in and made it.
It isn't perfect any more, but neither of us regret the extra effort.

Linda does that explain my "hard" a bit better?
Something isn't wrong for us, it just hasn't always been quite right the last 10 years, so we have tried a little harder to get it back.

I don't know if I chose well. I had my share of boyfriends. I think I went with him because we were friends first.
So whatever else, we still have that.

Best of all, people have been quite disparaging sometimes. I have actually been made to feel embarrassed that I have been with the same fella all these years....

It doesnt seem in much regard these days, in UK anyway.

Pen

Pen- It sounds to me like you picked the right guy! And, I think it is great to hear when people have made it that long (if they are happy of course). I know some that are still together but hate each other. I don't think it is as much that people don't admire longevity in marriages anymore. I think that they just don't think negatively anymore when they don't work. I love to see happy long marriages.

On sort of the same subject (don't know the background), a couple at the lake I stay at on weekends just got engaged. My guess is that they are somewhere in their seventies. They are darling together. He popped the question and gave her a huge diamond. They were dancing like 20 year olds. It is never too late for those out there that haven't found Mr. or Mrs. right or are on their second (or third, fourth, whatever) time around. Now I think that is very encouraging.

yes pen you summed it up marriage throws an awful lot at you and maybe hard work is the wrong word but investment the right one and marriage does need to be invested in and more you invest the more you get from it. cs lewis penned a note to his daughter the night before she married and said that after the initial years of passionate love and you weather lifes storms together you look at your selves and realise that you are like 2 trees that have grown side by side, weathered the same storms and see that deep down your roots have grown entwined and that you are not 2 trees but one that grows up as 2 indiviuals.

Thanks for all your great insights! Risa, you really described me when you talked about how easy it is at the beginning of dating to put on your best face and to look past the negatives of the other. I have had the tendency to do that way too much! And I've put up with maltreatment that I should never have let happen. So as much as I have always been anxious to find someone to marry, I've also been rather scared that I'm going to go into it being willing to look past things that I shouldn't. And I've put up with that stuff for a couple years in a couple different cases. I dated one guy for two years and another guy for three years, yet both had fatal flaws in the relationship that I wasn't ready to acknowlege until the very end. And that is what has me nervous. I am so eager to find someone (it doesn't help that my parents are very cuddly together, so I watch them kiss and cuddle together day in and day out! While I think that's great, it does make me feel all the lonelier!), but I don't want to do that at the expense of living with the kind of bad treatment I've put up with in the past.

I do like Mianna reframing of the question: What has led so many marriages to work?

When I finally do find someone I'm considering marrying, you can be sure I'll be back here for more of your wise advise!

Vicki. If I gave you one bit of advice only....

Be friends first.

When the first flush of love is over, the in love thing which they say lasts 18 months at most.
When the sex cools a little, and life starts to kick in.
When the cute little things start to become irritating habits on the down days.
You need a friend more than a lover.

(No harm in having both of course )

Pen I totally agree on the "being friends first" front.

When I first met my husband I was indifferent to him, as hid did not have "the look" (i.e. classical handsome Brad Pitt look alike). Then I got to know him better. I realized that he is first and foremost very, very funny. His sense of humor has me in stitches. I also saw what a solid and reliable guy he was. When he said he would do something he would keep his word. He is kind, caring and sharing and has a big heart. But he is no doormat. He has a strong personality and will not allow anybody to mess with him (or me). We became friends and eventually we fell in love. It was like a natural progression for us. He still is my best and closest friend - the best I ever had. I trust him completely. He has never disappointed me or let me down. I hope I have been as good a wife and friend to him as he has been to me.

P