Roommate and her Friend

Here's the story - my roommate has this friend who moved up here from CO late last summer with his pregnant girlfriend. They crashed with my roommates mom for a while - after the girl had the baby she went into a program for single moms and he's been couch surfing at another friends for the last few months - neither one have a job.

My roommate and I moved into our place in August (they were still at her mom's). At the time, her friend stored some of his stuff with us saying it would only be temporary. Things went along pretty well for a while. Then a few months ago she asked if he could get his mail here - something about not being able to get it where he was staying. Said fine - not a big deal to me. In the last month he has stayed overnight at our place at least 25 of 30 nights. In the first week or two, I said something to her about his being here and she said it was a lot and seemed like she'd have him not come home with her.

Well then she stopped telling me he was there. I think hoping I wouldn't notice - I clean the bathroom I noticed. That and someone had been using my towels in the bathroom. I know because one morning I went in to shower before work and they were wet. ICK! I also know someone has been using my toothpaste - I'm neurotic about how I dispense it. What broke things was that I stayed home from church yesterday with an M and I saw her leave and no one was with her so I assumed I was home alone. Got showered and was in a bra, went into the living room to grab a shirt. Later in the morning, I heard someone come out of her room and use the bathroom. I wasn't home alone. ACK!

So I wrote her a letter yesterday saying he needs to find another place to stay, take his stuff with him and get his address changed or I will start sending it back. And in our lease it states that we are not to have a guest stay more than 14 days in a calendar year or they need to be on the lease - she's fully aware of this. While she doesn't intend on staying another year, I need to remain on good terms with the landlord.

So I woke up this morning this morning and found a snotty letter from her. Defending his actions and hers as well. Saying that he's her best friend and has no where else to go. Oh and if he can't get his mail here he could go to jail for 5 years - he's a registered sex offender and they are required to have a mailing address. I knew this and once I found out our address was flagged on the sex offender registry I really wanted him gone. Basically saying poor him and I'm just being mean. She's also threatening to leave at the end of May, but that she'll still pay rent. WTF? I've written her a letter in return and did call her saying I want to discuss all of this.

Question is do I try to work this all out or say good riddance? She does nothing around the house and I can't rely on her for anything. In all honesty I'm looking forward to the end of the lease and having a different roommate.

Thoughts or suggestions?

That just scares the bejesus out of me! Thinking you are home alone and having a registered sex offender there????? WTF?? I say let her move out if that is what she wants but make sure she pays her part of the rent and get a new roommate. But the guy has to leave NOW. It just isn't right to have him there without your consent.

Wow....
Alli

You have no idea. I can't count the number of times I've been feeding dogs in the morning and turned around and he was there - no clue he'd stayed the previous night. The part of him being at our place when neither of us is I really don't like. And have no idea how often that has happened previously but no more.

The other thing she said is that she doesn't like that there are rules to when she can and can't have friends over. I said in my letter to her that I didn't care if she had female friends over once or twice a week but a guy 5-6 times a week is unacceptable. Her argument is that they stay in her room and don't impact me. Uh huh - until I'm in my jammies and wishing I had a robe. There are always rules whether they are spoken or not.

I am in no doubt as to what you should do. My daughter is your age.
Get them both out of there, and the sooner the better.
That is a horrible situation and her behaviour is not acceptable.

I agree with Alli. Him out now, she as soon as possible.
You need a new room mate with a better attitude.
Mainly some consideration.

Pen

Tell the guy to leave your home immediately. And not return. His presence is breaking your lease. That is all the excuse you need.

Tell him that if you see him your home again, you will contact the police as he is trespassing. And follow through. the police would LOVE to help you evict a sex offender trespasser.

You roommate will then do what she will do. I hope she decides to leave. If she stays, get a padlock for your bedroom and never give her access to your important things ... jewelry, paperwork, etc. Pots and pans and living room knick knacks ... who cares - all replaceable. But photo albums, birth certificate, etc ... the really important stuff ... make it all secure until she is out of there. You do not want to risk nasty retaliation.

But YOU are responsible for your lease agreement. He is a guest for more than 14 days in YOUR home. The landlord does not lease out this bedroom to one person and the other to a roommate ... the lease is for your home entire. So YOU have every right to kick him out.

No where to go? tough. there are shelters, bad jobs, and rooming houses. LOTS of single guys survive responsibly. He needs to grow up. Maybe a few nights on the streets would help him in that direction.

AND falsely giving law enforcement an address for a sex offender is at least aiding and abetting parole / probation violation ... YOU could get in trouble.

Tell him to leave. IF you are afraid at all, trust your instincts. Call the police and ask for their aid if you feel ANY fear. And when you tell him, have your back at the front door so you can escape if necessary.

Your roommate and this guy have taken one step at a time ... and landed YOU in a violation of your lease AND in a violation of the criminal code.

Be careful and get out NOW!

That's sort of what I was thinking. I'm not going to sugar coat anything with her and if she leaves - great. She doesn't care about violating things as long as you don't get caught. She registered a vehicle in her name for her mother because her mother has a suspended driver's license and can't do it. She's watched her mom use her mentally disabled sibling to get prescription pain pills and saw nothing wrong with that. I can't live like that.

I mentioned this to my mom in an email. She did some checking and there are 4 mens shelters in Madison. I know he stayed at one, but there are 3 others to choose from. I think he's feeding her a line of bull on that one.

If he shows up again, he gets a warning then I'm calling the cops (wasn't sure how that'd work but trespassing is valid). They can throw his a$$ in jail for all I care. They have potentially landed me in hot water and I'm not happy. I'm also going to start sending his mail back asap. He did take his stuff with him when they left the last time so that's one positive. He also can't get here without her - he has no car.

I'm not terribly worried about safety - two larger dogs in the house and I know Lou wouldn't hesitate to go after him. She does not like him - very good judge of character is she. Retaliation - I don't have much she could retaliate with. Even if she did it would be stupid - I'd take her to court for replacement of all items.

Thanks for the input.

This will just get from bad to worse as you have already seen over these last few weeks alone.

When you give them the 'you got to move' news, you need to have a strong friend on hand. A witness of sorts. These two aren't the rational thinking types if they are in this much trouble and sitting around defending it. One hand on the 911 for whatever idiot move they might try to pull. Landlord and neighbours don't want a registered sex offender there either so there will be no lack of support in your surroundings. Maybe consider talking to a few choice people before a confrontation for some backup should you need it.

You may be mature and calm and reasonable, but don't assume for a moment that they will be, or will act in like manner. You have a rat in your hole and they are going to dig deeper and do damage before they leave.

If I am wrong, then great. But an ounce of prevention never hurts. You never signed up for this on the lease and you deserve a better situation.

As what was suggested above. Lock up your stuff first. Take all the good suggestions and be one step ahead of them.

Sending prayers your way. You can rid yourself of this situation.


Angela

Alright brief update.

Roommate is leaving sometime this month. She whined and complained about the mail but got it done. I caved a bit and said he could stay the night that they go out - figured it would be 2 nights max before she's gone. Well after last night it's been 3.

She left a note saying it was late and I hope it was okay. Called her back and said no it's not okay and that if he shows up at our place again I'm calling the cops. It's violating our lease, she's aware of this fact and it's not going to happen - not even for 5 minutes. So my question here is do I call 911 or just use the non-emergency police line?

I don't know if she's going to try and push it but if she does I want to take appropriate action. Thoughts please? I know I brought this on myself but no more. Being nice gets me nowhere with her.

Here, I would advise somemone to call the police in advance and set up a file number. That way, when it comes to it, you can quote the file number. The police can advise you when you are making the initial contact about what number to call.

Good luck!

That's really good advice. I would only add, you might want to go into the police station in person and do it, rather than call. If you call, they might tell you to come in anyway, though.
Boy, your soon-to-be ex-roommate sure does push it, doesn't she?

I agree, going in would be best, and in most cases they will request you to come in to file the initial report.

The police will jump at the chance to make a new file on a sex offender. Who knows, some of his actions may have already placed him in hot water.