How do youe close friends (meaning relatives, significant others) deal with the migraine issues?

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How do youe close friends (meaning relatives, significant others) deal with the migraine issues? Empty How do youe close friends (meaning relatives, significant others) deal with the migraine issues?

Post  sailingmuffin on Wed Feb 24, 2010 9:53 am

Hi All,

I am very lucky to have several wonderful friends who are helpful during migraine. Helpful to the point that they take turns watching me when the fainting is particularly bad. But I realize I am lucky.
How do your close friends, significant others, family, deal with the whold migraine issue? How do you explain it to others that you can't do stuff because of it. I qould just like some other perspectives on this topic.

Pain free days,
sailingm
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Post  theresae on Wed Feb 24, 2010 10:59 am

i have alot of well meaning friends, but when push comes to shove, its my mum, hubby, grandmother and oldest son that will drop everything to help me, i try not to ask, but sometimes you need to.
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Post  Paradox on Wed Feb 24, 2010 12:57 pm

Other than my sister (ugh...see a different post on THAT story) family, co-workers and friends are fantastic.

My disabled son will gently rub my head ( and he always says "I could just do that all day, couldn't I Mom". I love when I hear my phrases come out of his mouth)

I don't like that Hubby and best friend now talk to me in numbers, as in "what's your pain scale". It just reminds me that they've been to the Dr. & ER with me TOO many times.

My co-workers have driven me home from work when my eye-sight gets wonky.

My MIL has taken my son to Dr's appt's when I haven't been able to.

My niece gives me injections if hubby isn't around. I had a co-worker step up to the plate and teach herself how off the internet on how to give me an injection when no one else was available.

My best friend has even gotten up at 4:00 am to pick me up at the ER when hubby was out of town.

I couldn't ask for a better support system, so I shouldn't get so upset when just my sister is the one who just doesn't "get it".

Charlotte
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Post  02R96 on Wed Feb 24, 2010 7:51 pm

Anyone who's family offers support and understands the problems and issues of a migraine sufferer without being judgmental is very lucky. It's not that way for me.

Some members of my family think I'm a drug addict and what ever they do to get rid of their headaches should work for me. Even my wife doesn't support me much really. I'm always hearing about the amount of money spent on 'scripts, things not getting done, doesn't like me taking drugs etc.

So for the most part (aside from my PCP) I feel like I'm on my own. I will add I'm grateful for this site and the people here. I can vent and commiserate with those who understand.
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Post  HeelerLady on Wed Feb 24, 2010 8:05 pm

Well in this area, I'm pretty much alone. My mother....well she's definitely the nut in my family tree. Supportive in some ways but really not. My brother - just doesn't understand but treats me with kid gloves (he doesn't want to make things worse, bless him). Would I confide in him and be able to rely on him...not really. I don't make friends easily but the ones I have do get it but lately have been so wrapped up in their own lives that I'm a total after thought. My boyfriend...well there's a physical distance issue. I know he doesn't understand it (and part of it is my fault - I don't tell him everything) but he is supportive of anything I try. He just wants me to get better. Smile The folks on this site, I rely on more - always supportive and really do get it.

Here's this for a thought - we all pool our money and buy an island somewhere. Migraneurs Island...you must either be a sufferer or a sympathizer or be able to give out drugs. Laughing

Dan - was thinking about you the other day...how's the job going?
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Post  marion on Wed Feb 24, 2010 9:34 pm

badly
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Post  02R96 on Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:03 am

HeelerLady,

Hi. It's not too bad here. My coworkers are great; they're easing me in right in. Unfortunatly, I'm still coming home with a headache, but having a paycheck helps.

I'm back on my pain management plan, so I'm hanging in there.
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Post  pen on Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:22 pm

I have gradually lost nearly all my friends. I am just too inconsistent and unreliable for them.
But as my son pointed out ,how good a friend were they?
I have no siblings, and my parents died 20 years ago.
I havent been able to work for 20 years because of various health problems.
So its just my husband and 3 kids etc and "passing strangers" that might be understanding or not.

On the whole they are good. My son's in laws are irritating. Nice people but every time I see them they offer me wine, and I explain I dont drink. Then they regale me with various migraine "cures" I might try. We go through this every single time...
Next time will be Sunday, my son's birthday...

I have a couple of neighbors who also have occasional migraines, so they at least understand.
On the whole I find people just dont get it, but I guess why should they....but some could try a bit harder...

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Post  AuntieBubbs on Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:13 pm

I live with close family - sister, BIL, nephew (he's 3, so his reactions don't count). They ignore my migraines. If I mention that I am getting or have a migraine, they don't do or say or act any different. No reduction in noise, light, nothing. I guess its a "don't baby the pain" attitude. I don't think they mean to be unsympathetic, I think they just don't get it. My sister gets bad tension headaches, so I think she understands but she figures, if I can fight through it, you can. My BIL has chronic back pain, and he's the opposite. He doesn't fight through it, he hates for anyone else to take the spotlight from his suffering, so too bad if I get migraines.
Unless I go to my room and close the door and stay in there alone, I have to put up with a normal household that won't make exceptions for my head. That includes the baby's loud noise-maker toys, his yelling (he's very rambunctious), and his temper tantrums. He's a sweet kid, but he's also spoiled.
My BIL is also convinced that my migraines aren't really that bad, and that I really only pretend to get them so I can take painkillers. Nice, eh? This from the guy who goes to either the dr. or the ER at least once a month so he can get vicodin and hydrocodone for his back.

My parents understand and never complain when I leave family gatherings because of migraine, my mom offers me her bedroom to lie down in instead of leaving if necessary, and she's never doubted I suffer from them. They're very understanding about the pain, I think they just don't get the emotional side effects that go with it. Still, at least they don't think I'm faking. And they've never told me to just "get over it" or just put up with it.
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Post  rileyoday on Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:38 pm

AuntieBubbs, that sounds like a hard place to live, such strange behaviour by adults . I have lost all my freinds and family.

My family has always been work hard suck it up. also my mom and sister get mild M { they take sine aid dark room } so how

bad could mine be. My brothers are jerks. I just never found anyone very understanding. I just hope i wasent too sensitive.

No one ever offered to buy me an Imitrex ! good measure of love there. But I have a perfect wife who always says the right

thing.

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Post  Hal on Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:06 pm

My oldset daughter understands. She gets migraines. My youngest daughter understands. She gets them too. My wife will say that she has never had a headache and has no clue. I have had a migraine all this week and she just can not imagine how anyone can have a continuous headache for several days. She resents the fact that I can't do much when I have a headache. That is do any house or yard work. I have one friend that understands. She is a nurse.

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Post  AuntieBubbs on Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:26 pm

Riley, not strange, just selfish. Sadly, many adults are. I expect the 3-year-old to be selfish, but adults are sadly just as selfish much of the time. They just can't comprehend something that doesn't affect them directly, I think.

I think alot of us have friends and family like that, unfortunately. They don't mean to be cruel, they just can't understand.
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Post  LG on Thu Feb 25, 2010 11:37 pm

My family doesn't get it. My mom tells me all the time to "live around" the migraines. I'm still trying to figure that one out. I always lectures about how I'm not doing this or that right for my family or I am too lazy to do this or I should have done that. My sister is epileptic and (I really hate saying this) not at all understanding of anyone elses medical problems. She thinks that her epilepsy far overshadows my migraines especially since I take the same medication she does.

She has had multiple kidney stones and is in danger of kidney failure because of this so she worries about me but in the wrong way. She expresses the worry by calling me up and YELLING at me for taking my medication that helps me and the doctors clear me to take. I have asked my two doctors over and over if it would harm my kidneys (I am not asking for kidney failure, nobody would want that) and they always tell me not to worry but as a preventative to drink plenty of water, so I do. She won't listen or research so I have given up talking to her about it and it is unfortunate that I will never have a friend in her since I can't talk to her about such a major thing in my life.

My dad is nice, he calls me every day to make sure I am okay and asks me, "How's your head doing today?" He doesn't really want to know the answer I don't think because usually it isn't so good and some days he isn't optimistic about it and others he tells me not to give up. I feel he is about as confused as I am so whereas it is comforting to have him there, he isn't very much help other than the comfort of having a great dad. I do appreciate that more than anyone understands though..

My husband has gotten worlds better but is still a bit of a doofas. He'll know my head is pounding and then go roughhouse with our dogs and make them bark like mad until I want to go over there and kick him where he don' wanna be kicked. Embarassed I know he doesn't mean to do it but he is silly and forgetful. I have made him well aware of my triggers as I recognize him but he sets me off all the time and sometimes because he is trying to be sweet for me!! LOL He tries to cook nice meals for me all the time but forgets that frying or burning anything on the stovetop KILLS my head instantly. I love the thought behind it but man, I'm laid up in bed for a long time after that.

I'd love for him to really feel bad about it and come up and rub my head, bring me ice packs..my medications and generally just know what to do for me to make me feel comfortable but I believe it will come in time. He is a slower learner than I am when it comes to those nurturing things. I can tell he wants to help but I don't want to have to keep asking either, it makes me feel bad. Oi...

Most of my friends have gone because I don't keep plans very well anymore and I don't have the patience to sit on the phone with them when I have a migraine. I feel bad about that too but hey, I can't do much about it...I wish they would be more supportive but I understand how they must feel on the other side of the fence being they have never been ill. I hope they stay healthy and ignorant forever. Wink
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Post  estre004 on Fri Feb 26, 2010 7:49 am

I have a few co-workers that get them also, so work is not a problem. Nobody really understands at home. They don't bother me but don't really help either. Fortunately, since I can abort most of them I don't have to worry about it much. I'm not sure how it would be if I was bedridden much of the time. I guess if they didn't sympathize, I would get rid of them. The pain is bad enough without walking on eggshells around people.

I think it would be a big help if there was no such thing as "headaches", just migraines. Then people just wouldn't know what to think. The way it is, a lot of people think we are being babies about a headache or that we bring the headaches on ourselves.

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Post  Jewishmother on Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:30 am

My husband is very supportive but does get frustrated with me when he thinks I push myself too hard and make the migraines worse.......I had to laugh though when I read an earlier post about getting the dogs worked up - my husband does that too - funny they can be so unaware sometimes about the consequences of their actions! Overall though he is good at bringing me my drugs and ice packs and even massaging my head - he has even adjusted to living in the dark though I know how much he would love to open up all the blinds in the house and let the light in. My business partners have been great at being flexible with my schedule though I am down to only working 10 hours a day and my business is suffering but can't be helped. I have one wonderful friend who I can vent to and is always willing to help out though I have lost several friends over the years who do not understand and have backed away.
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Post  AuntieBubbs on Fri Feb 26, 2010 12:18 pm

Ditto on the dogs! My BIL does that with the dog (and he's a little, yappy dog) and the baby. He roughhouses/plays with the baby and gets him all worked up so he's yelling, throwing his ball (sometimes at me), screeching, and getting the dog worked up. The dog can't stand high pitched noises, so as soon my nephew starts with the screeching, he starts howling really high too. It's like this horrible cacaphony of noise that my BIL starts on purpose. I should give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he doesn't do it on purpose and it just feels like it when my head is killing me.
What is it with guys getting the dogs going?
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Post  dizzyflower on Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:47 am

Most of my friends live miles away now since we moved so are now more like pen friends, getting together only about twice a year. I have made one real friend since moving and a few half aquantances and that is all migraines allow, despite living in a friendly area and knowing the names of most people in my street including their pets. I get understanding from them though including the people at the alotment, quite a lot who suffer migraines too.

My close friend gets them too and she phones up to check before coming round if she thinks I'm looking a bit dodgy (she sees me around a lot when she takes her daughter's dog for a walk). If we havn't heard from each other we check up on each other.

Hubby gets most of it, although sometimes can be sat using the main computer which is in the bedroom when I'm dozing to try and sleep off a biggy, but he usually goes after a bit especially if I offer my little notebook which is ancient but can just about cope with the internet. He always brings me breakfast because he knows I get really green in the kitchen.

My cat worries about me and I wish she wouldn't to the point it causes her stress and I have to get anti stress feromones for her.

Parents try to get it, and a really supportive but make some real mistakes when they are staying with us, usually ending up in something oging wrong about three days into their stay before they remember how to live witha migraineur. It usually seems to be the constantly talking and creating clatter around the home bit that causes difficulty, or Mum hovering behind me trying to help because of the migraine when what I need is a bit of space.

Some other relatives get it, and are really good, but there is of course always one in the family that would never get it and as a result is told very little.


I think I am very lucky with the people that I know but I do find it restricting and my wider contacts have reduced significantly becuse of migraines.

Di

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Post  KristenCima on Sat Feb 27, 2010 7:34 pm

I just went through this with my father. You just really need to explain to them that having a migraine IS a big deal, also show them this webpage.. it would give them a ton of insight about everything we go through.

Good luck!

-Kristen
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