Mothering and pain.

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Mothering and pain.

Post  MaryAnneLive on Sat Feb 06, 2010 10:59 pm

I know that a lot of you on this forum are mothers. How do you do it? I find myself having a much shorter fuse than I would like. I want to be a good mom. I want to patient and kind and loving and fun. But some days I find myself yelling at her for taking the toilet paper off the roll when all she was trying to do was make an icy pond to skate on. (we had been reading a Ricky Raccoon story about a frozen pond where ricky thought the fish were trapped in the ice... she was terrified that the fish were frozen in the pond. She was thrilled to find out that only the top of the ice was frozen and that the fish were ok.) Anyway, she got off the potty and I was wrestling her into her diaper as she tried to unroll the roll of toilet paper. I asked her calmly several times to please stop. She didn't listen, she continued. She got talked to and put in time out. It was right before bedtime so she went to her dad's arms and ended up fighting with him, hitting him, getting in more trouble. It was an all around bad situation.

My question is this.... why the hell couldn't I have just helped her find a way to make a frozen pond? Why do I get so frustrated? I know I was in the middle of a really bad stretch, all my pain meds seemed to do that week was make my bowels and my mind slow. I didn't have much help and I was tired and in pain. But I am in pain all of the time. There is never a time that I don't have measurable, life altering pain. How do I stop that from interfering with my daughter's life, with her joy. I don't want to be that mom. It isn't her fault that I am in pain. I don't want to be the angry mom. I don't want to be the tired, angry mom who makes us be quiet and stay in the dark. I want to build imaginary ponds with her. I want to fly the rocket ship to the moon with her.....

How do you do it? How do I do it?



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Re: Mothering and pain.

Post  CluelessKitty on Sun Feb 07, 2010 3:09 am

Ahhh sweetie Sad
Been there done that Sad

What can I tell you - it's this effing disease. These angry outbursts can be manifestation of M episode alone, and equivalent of a seizure, it doesn't even have to be all the aftermath.
There is not much you can do about it beside know what it is, this rage, or lack of control, and try to recognize it in time and then try to control it, or remove yourself from the situation completely.

What you need is your husband or somebody to take your place in such times.
You are only human and certain things are beyond your control. Have you been in a wheelchair, some things you can't do would be accepted for granted. Not us, because what's going on with us is invisible.

Above all you are not a bad mother just because you are sick. I am sure you do better than many perfectly healthy mothers who don't give a crap about their kids well-being.

I am so terribly sorry I can not be my usual perky assistance but I am in the emotional sheisse myself at the moment, you see.


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Re: Mothering and pain.

Post  theresae on Sun Feb 07, 2010 5:32 am

yeap i know where you are coming from, my youngest son has never known his mum without weekly migraines and all the short comings that go with it, i have guilt by the bucket load if anyone wants some?

all i have been able to do is my best, i always tell my boys that i love them and make it clear to them that it is the migraines that make me tired, weepy grumpy, not them,

i have done things with them that i can when they were little i did alot of puzzles, painting, stories, and tv (well they did tv, i closed my eyes and listened, but at least they were still cuddled up with mum on the sofa) we managed to get to the park when we could, and swimming sometimes, but my boys have had to spend more time at home than alot of kids, when my youngest was at home he spent many days in the lounge with every toy possible out on floor, tv on and biscuits to hand when i was on sfa with cold pack on head and towell over my eyes to block out the light, he is 9 years old now and is doing ok, he has no memory of me being laid up several days a week,

i am lucky that my hubby and grandparents picked up the slack when they could,

all you can do is your best, with lots of cuddles and reassurance thrown in, children are very accepting of situations as long as they feel loved and safe, your daughter will love you no matter what so please dont feel too bad, i know it is easier to say than to do,

sorry i dont have a magic answer, but i have been where you are, and we are still a close family, despite these damn migraines,

theresa x

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Re: Mothering and pain.

Post  tecky on Sun Feb 07, 2010 7:04 am

Sorry, MaryAnne, I don't have any wisdom to share, just empathy. Been there done that.

My two sons are grown now. My oldest son has three children.

My boys witnessed the short fuse that preceded a migraine often, as well as the days when I came home from work either early or at the end of the day with a migraine and couldn't move off the couch. They were subjected to the living room with all the blinds pulled so it was dark and gloomy. They often brought me cool washclothes for my eyes and forehead, covered me with blankets when I couldn't get warm, etc. They knew when I was laying on the couch to pull all the blinds because that was the only reason I laid on the couch.

If nothing else, it teaches children about living with illness. About loving and accepting people even when they're grumpy or weepy or in too much pain to talk.

I agree with Theresa. Help from hubby and their grandparents is a big lifesaver.

I have perfectionist tendencies. I have learned over all these years that we won't die if the kitchen isn't cleaned and the dishes aren't washed after every meal; if there's a layer of dust on the furniture, or if everyone's clothes aren't ironed. It also teaches children to be caring by helping out with these things and to be independent by learning to help out with these tasks. I'm happy to say that my boys know how to cook more than boiling water, they know how to wash dishes, vacuum, dust and clean the bathroom (my husband was the most difficult to teach).

Hang in there. Try to be thankful for what you do have and don't sweat the small stuff.


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Re: Mothering and pain.

Post  Paradox on Sun Feb 07, 2010 9:13 am

I got through with a lot of apologizing. I think it's important for kids to hear the apology when you now were wrong.

My husband was a fantastic very hands -on father. That helped tremendously. Even though I didn't get along well with my MIL, she was always thrilled to see the boys and she was only a few blocks away.

I'm lucky, when M's didn't become chronic until 5-6 years ago when my youngest was 15 and my oldest was 20. So I'm able to spend a lot of undisturbed time in my room.

The good days though, I made sure they were filled with fun. Shaving cream fights (later turned into whipped cream from the can fights cause that shaving cream STINGS when it gets in your eye Shocked ), INside out/backward parties (clothes had to be worn inside out and backwards, we ate under the table instead of on it, cake first, then hotdogs, games played backwards). Egg tossing contests, we also played a lot of badminton, ping pong and air hockey. I'm thankful that I was able to create the strong memories of fun.

But, there is a silver lining. My kids learned to listen to me. When I said 'no' it meant 'no' and no amount of whining would change it. Even on my worse days I wouldn't give in just to keep the peace.

And my guys are very empathetic to anyone who is hurting or in pain. Even my mentally handicapped son will come up and gently stroke my hair because he knows it relaxes me. And he'll whisper "ahh boo" in my ear (his childhood gibberish that means "I love you" that still comes out occasionally when he feeling very affectionate or I'm in pain.).

How ever, I still feel like scum mother of the year because I missed so much. I think any mother worth her salt feels that way.


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Re: Mothering and pain.

Post  MaryAnneLive on Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:33 am

Thank you all so much for your feedback and support. I am really lucky to have you in my life and I know it.

Also, I realize that I should have called this parenting and pain... Dad's count too!!!

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