Sad times with many changes

As some of you may recall my father passed away in 2008. My mother has lived by herself since then until this past October when she had to have open heart surgery. She ended up having a pace maker put in as well as two stinks in her artery leading to her intestines.

Along with pneumonia she also had a small stroke. She has lived with my brother since the surgery since he lives in the same town as she does. I live 12 hours away. I visited twice but now it is time for my mother to come and live with us for a while.

We are all thrilled to have her. Problem is she cannot do steps and pretty much cannot be left alone for too long. She has macualar degeneration and is also losing her hearing. Bottom line is we have to sell her house and split up everything between my brother and I.

Some of this is good because she can tell us where she and my dad got certain things and reminisce but all in all it is a very sad and emotional time for all of us. Since I live far away our home has been our home for over 50 years. To sell the home is almost unbearably sad for me and my family.

I have to pick and my brother has to pick and my mother sits and watches. All very upsetting to split the house up. We are concentrating on telling my mother how fortunatly we are to still have her with us and for her to tell us all about their treasures.

Does anyone have any experience with this or how to make this situation more bearable for both my mother, my brother and I? We both do not have a lot of room in our houses to bring everything and we both want my mom to be comfortable and happy in her last years.

Trying to keep back the tears....

Thanks for listening,

kimsmom

hi kimsmom,

very sorry to hear about your mom. she sounds like she has been through a lot, but tough as well.

i took care of my grandmother for many years. even though most of the time she lived on her own, i was at her house constantly looking into things and taking her to the docs.

after my mom died, i took care of grandmother. i did sell her house, and she agreed to move into an apartment. she did get progressively worse over the nearly 4 years that she live in the apartment.

it's very tough to deal with. if my grandmother would have survived her last round of illness, i would have had to move her to nursing care.

it can be very, very trying. as our elderly loved ones get worse, it's just very tough. not just the doctors, and the daily details, but emotional side. best advice is to share as much duties as possible.

ahh, just very difficult. i'm sorry i don't have much more advice.

good luck.
mgb

Thanks Marc,

It will have its moments too. She will be sleeping in our living room since she cannot do the steps anymore. Thankfully my husband is just as glad as I am that she is coming to live with us part time. My brother and I are sharing the responsibilities and we are greatful that we can do this or she would have to go to a nursing home.

You are right in that there are times that a nursing home is the only option when their health is beyond our means. All her doctor visits are finally done for a while and that is why we can have her for a while.

I told her we have doctors here too, but you know how well that goes over.

I love to read and I know that will present a problem. My mother loves to talk as I do but I like to relax and read too.

Thanks for the responce.

kimsmom

Kimsmom,

After my mother died my father's health deteriorated quickly and we had to move him from his home in Las Vegas to my home in Illinois.

My sister and I had a week to go out there and pack up their house and get it on the market.

I'm ashamed to say that 12 years later most of the stuff is still boxed up in the basement. Every time I try to sort through it I get very emotional and sentimental. It would have been nice to have one of my folks with me to tell me what was important and what wasn't (or in my Mom's case what's valuable and what isn't. She collected Capo Demante, which I always thought was the ugliest stuff in the world. She always admonished me not to throw it away!)

Over the years I've tried to get my sister to come over and go through it with me, but she never has the time. Next week my son and future DIL are spending the week to help me go through it and see what they want.

It was difficult living my Dad. But, my father was an alcoholic. When he was sober he was an absolute joy to have around. Undemanding, fun to sit and have coffee with. Unfortunately I had two young children and I wouldn't abide the havoc his drinking caused and I asked him to move out. I wish I could have enjoyed those last years with him.

Your mother is lucky to have a daughter who cares as much as you. The time may come when she needs a nursing facility, but I don't think you'll regret the extra time you had with her.

I don't have the experience to give you good advice, but I wanted you to know I read your post and that I am sorry for what you and your family are going through.

That must be very very hard on you right now. My thoughts are with you, and we are here if you need to vent!!

Xmom,
I feel so sorry for the situation. These are moments of life that we would never face
I wish I had some good practical advice to give you, but I don't.
All that I can say is that it will be better than you expect when you'll settle down everything and that you are "lucky" to have a good relation with your brother. Unfortunately, I know families whose components have slaughtered one another to split the belogings. And this is truly sad and painful....
So, hang in there and think that mom is still alive and that you can enjoy her! This is what counts above all the material things.
Take care

dear Kimsmom

I'm really sorry you are having to go through this and can relate to how hard it can be to let go of things and the home that was part of the family identity for such a long time. When I was a youngster we had firstly my great auntie living with us after a stroke and she lived in the dining room, and then mum cared for my Gran, although she had room for her things in a flat downstairs. Looking back on that time though it was one of a very close and loving family, with precious time spent going through old family albums and afternoon tea on the good days. Eventually Mum let someone come to help a bit which made us less tired.

Remember to look after yourself too.

Best wishes

Di

Howdy ... sad and sentimental time for you. Treasure those feelings of sentiment as you and your brotehr and your mother remember her life. but remember that you are talking about "things." And things do not really matter in the long run - they are just ... well ... things. What counts is the love you all share day by day. Enjoy the love, deal with the things.

My most beloved grandmother stayed in her own home until after she turned 100. It was then time that she decided to go to a nursing home. Within a month, she was as happy as a clam. She had people heer own age to live with again! It is hard to imagine how important it is to spend time with people your own age, people who shared your life experiences - not your kids, nor your grandkids - but friends your own age. She absolutely loved it. She got to play the piano for her friends (I treasure my CD of her tinkling away on teh keys) and in the spring of her 102 year, she was voted "Queen of teh May" at her facility. It was wonderful for her.

I just mention this because I used to view "going into a nursing home" as a thing not to be desired. I am re-thinking that value judgement based on my grandmother's life. My Mom is in the 1st year of widowhood ... and she is lonely. My brotehr and sister live in her home with her ... but she is lonely. Lonely for her husband, her Mom, her brother. She gets angry with them for leaving her behind (do't I know that feeling well) She has one or two friends her age - but she never sees them. The closest freind is a nice man - and she fears gossip if they spend any time together (grin).

I wish you well. Closing a home is no fun for the family. But with the utter that comes through your post, you will do just fine. Family matters - and you ar providing us all with a sterling example fo love in action. thank you.