Estrangement from Son

Hey Buddy

Just you to know that I am thinking of you and wishing I could share a part of your heartache and relieve you of the burden. I am trule thankful that you are you - a VERY strong and VERY loving and VERY smart woman. You will live through these trying times because of the strength of your loving heart. hang in there.

Leslie,

I tried posting a couple days ago, but something happened and my post disappeared just as I was finishing it. Since I didn't feel well, I wasn't up to trying to recreate it.

Your post brought me to tears and is so heartbreaking. I honestly don't know what I'd do if one of my kids would cut off all ties. It must be the highest level of emotional pain for a mother to experience.

My brother (age 46) has/had essentially cut off all communications with my mother and father (dad passed away in 1995). This has been going on for years. Now that my mom is in advanced stages of Alzheimer's, it's especially hard because I know their relationship will never be restored. I know it was very difficult for my mom, and we often talked about it. It's difficult being a sister who is cut off as well. What makes it hardest is not knowing the heart of the issue that makes a family member cut himself off from his family. If only they would communicate the feelings at the root of the problem and allow communications and forgiveness for whatever event, whether imagined or real, that caused the estrangement.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Becky

Dear Cindy, Richard and Becky,

I am so humbled by your kindness and advice about my problems with my son. I know how much each one of you suffers from your migraine situations and the fact that you have used some of your "feeling well" time in order to help me is truly touching (or maybe you didn't feel well when you posted, which is even more amazing to me).

This young man changed my life 180° 25 years ago. I never knew I could love another human being so strongly and forever. There's nothing he can do to ever stop my love for him.

I am going to write my son a letter after I am done posting this. I don't know what I am going to say but you have strengthened my resolve to do so. I will try to refrain from being mushy (even I detest that) and just remind him that I will continue to try no matter how long it takes.

Thank you, so much, once again my dear friends,
£eslie

I am very sorry to hear that Leslie. I hope he comes around at some point (soon) and starts talking to you. You are such a sweet person you don't deserve that.

Thank you. I am sure I deserve some of it. My son can't be all wrong (no one ever is).

lesherb wrote:This young man changed my life 180° 25 years ago. I never knew I could love another human being so strongly and forever. There's nothing he can do to ever stop my love for him.

I am going to write my son a letter after I am done posting this. I don't know what I am going to say but you have strengthened my resolve to do so. I will try to refrain from being mushy (even I detest that) and just remind him that I will continue to try no matter how long it takes.

Dear Leslie,

Just tell him this. I've shared with my sons that the day each of them was born were/are the best things that ever happened to me. Although I think it's hard for them to understand the depth of feelings and love until they have children of their own.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Becky

Thank you, Becky. I agree. It is very difficult to express that singular, wonderful burst of love you get when your baby is placed in your arms and how that love is sustained through all the years, no matter what.

£eslie

I also would like to tell you Leslie that your son, despite his actions he never ever EVER want you out of your life, ever.
He want you IN even if he would tell you different but deep down he wants desperately for you to be his Mom always
and if for now you will keep sending him the letters you will give him something he needs - the proof that not matter what he does YOU WON'T GIVE UP. That's what matters.

My entire soul is with you and with your kids that you'll all pull thru on this.

Risa

Oh, Leslie, my heart goes out to you as well. I haven't posted because I hadn't known what to say. You will be in my thoughts and I sincerely hope things will work out for you and your son.

It's times like these when I wish we could all live close enough to one another so that we were "in person" friends. I wish I could give you all a hug and thank you individually so you could see the sincerity of my thanks in my eyes.

Never did I imagine I would have found this overflowing reservoir of compassion and friendship (when I first came to Ronda's). My thanks are profound.

For those of you who know a bit more than from just here, you certainly know I am not a mushy person. I am rather cynical and skeptical old hag, yeah, those are the best words to describe me. So it is with that revelation about me I wish you all to know that you've warmed this cold heart of mine.

£eslie

lesherb wrote:It's times like these when I wish we could all live close enough to one another so that we were "in person" friends. I wish I could give you all a hug and thank you individually so you could see the sincerity of my thanks in my eyes.

I would love to take you out to tea, coffee, ice cream, breakfast, a drink, or anything you would like. Then afterwards if you felt up to it, a gentle walk and a lot of talk.

lesherb wrote:For those of you who know a bit more than from just here, you certainly know I am not a mushy person. I am rather cynical and skeptical old hag, yeah, those are the best words to describe me. So it is with that revelation about me I wish you all to know that you've warmed this cold heart of mine. £eslie

You are not even slightly close to being a cynical and skeptical old hag although you like to hide behind that role. You are a warm, loving, generous, smart, beautiful woman. I know you won't say it to yourself in the mirror so I'll say it for you.

Chris

Well said Chris, well said!

Leslie, in those letters, simply tell him what you and Herb did today ... inform him about YOUR life ... the boring minutiae that consumes our days. It is the intimate sharing of the mundane that brings folks closer.

Want to drive a guy away? Start right off with all that emotional stuff ... feelings etc. We guys just are not programmed that way ... especially when we are young like your son. Take a man's advice (who learned a lot from his mother and grandmother) Keep these letters simple, heartfelt, and completely non-threatening.

What is threatening about a a mother saying she will never give up? A mother declaring her love? Put yourelf in his shoes ... he has given up, he had declared un-love. To confront him with your love will either make him feel guilty in which case he will not know what to say and will not be in contact or such will make him angry that Mom just won't leave me alone in which case he will not contact you.

But a letter nicely written about breakfast or what you see out the window? Non-threatening, pleasant and more likely to wear one down like dripping water on a rock.

Just my unsolicited, often off-base, advice to my dear friend who actually IS a warm and caring and senstive and ... well, quite a wonderful person.

May I clarify, I never meant to 'keep sending letters declaring undying love' - I simply meant to keep sending the letters or/and stay in touch by any means possible.

That alone will show the determination and desire for Leslie to be in her son's life, enough for him to see she would never give up on him.

Risa

Having two son's I agree with Richard. They are just different creatures. I know when dating hubby and other guys they'd get the deer in the headlights look whenever I talked emotionally or mushy.

Keep it on surface and light hearted and they couldn't get enough of me. Ugh, hate playing games.

I know my grandmother always used to do the "you never come and see me enough". She would spend the whole visit complaining. It made it to where my sister just stopped going (it was a 12 hour trip one way). I would still go but dreaded it.

My great-aunt on the hand would just be delighted that we came to see her and the visit with her was such a pleasure. Guess who I spent more time with?

Definitely send the letter and even if there's no response send another. I truly believe he will come around.

Yes, wouldn't it be wonderful if we were all there to give you hugs.

Charlotte

Well, I sent the letter. I picked out a notecard without much writing space on it so I wouldn't be tempted to write too much.

I kept it mundane and basically about what's been going on in my life recently. This was all before I read your most recent suggestions about what to write and not write.

I'll certainly let you all know if I hear anything back. (I don't think I will but you never know).

I am so very touched by your kind words, my friends. They mean all the more to me because I know you are not just posting them to be kind. I must have done something right. ;-)

Thank you,
£eslie

But of course Leslie - you are nice, kind, honest person. We adore you! I always look up to your posts.
I don't understand why would you think you don't deserve to be liked and supported! You most definitely do!

As for your son, he will come in his own time.
Just keep sending these letters. And we will see.

Risa

I think that you are very brave Leslie. I have you in my heart and I hope that your bravery is rewarded with a response from your son... some day.

love,

Mary Anne

Leslie,

I am so glad you wrote your son. I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you, but don't give up if you don't hear from him the first time.

You are such a kind and caring person Leslie.

All these years that I have been posting on this site, you are the one that always posted a reply when I was having a hard time. I thank you so much for that.

Take care,

Cindy

Thank you again, everyone. I do want you to know that my ex-husband keeps me in the loop as far as my son is concerned. I just thought about this and was concerned that you might think I have no way of knowing how he is doing.
I'm sure I'd go mad if I didn't have any info at all.

£eslie

Sent the letter? Well done. I think we Americans define "courage" much too narrowly. I think courage goes beyond being in battle or saving a victim from a burning building - though I honor all men and women who do so.

But there is real courage in reach out a loving hand to one who is not expressing recipricol love. The courage of laying your heart on the line. Leslie, you are one courageous person. I honor you.

May I suggest (as though you could stop me! LOL ) that the second letter follow in 7 to 10 days. Aim for 3 a month. A guy can handle that. AND you have most excellent taste in notecards and the rare ability to write exactly enough in a note. A rare quality that I do not share.

Well done, my friend. Let the water of love drip slowly and consistently.

I will tell you a story. When I was a VERY young man, between 18 and 21 years of age, one of my brothers decided to drop out of college and move from our small town in South Carolina to Atlanta Georgia. He asked my folks for some money to help him move.

My other two brothers and I met to discuss the situation. We three knew that he was moving to Atlanta to get high and do more drugs than I can spell. He had a very severe case of drug addiction - but had successfully hidden it from our parents. But we three young men knew the score. And I was selected to tell Mom and Dad.

I told them that my brother had a severe drug problem and would use ANY money they gave him to purchase more and more drugs. By giving him money, they were only feeding his addiction. On behalf of my brothers, we begged them to say "no" and cut him off without a dime.

My parents were confused. Cutting off a son went against their very natures - BUT they understood our point and knew we were not thinking about OUR inheritance or any such nonsense. We were trying in our immature way to love our brother in the best way we could imagine - starve him into compliance with our values.

My folks went to our pastor. For the first and only time in their lives they sought counsel from the church. Dear, wise Reverand Gowey said he had no idea whatsover what was the best course, the most loving course. He told them to re-read the story of the prodigal son and that whatever they decided would be decided in love. What a great pastor he was.

My Mom and Dad could not live a day with the thought that one of us did not have the money to eat. Such a thought would literally tear their hearts from their chests and stomp them on the floor. Against the protests of the other sons, my Mom and Dad gave him some money to move AND agreed to mail a certain amount of money each week (or month, I forget) on one and only one condition:

My brother had to telephone, calling collect, at least once a week - every Friday or whatever. IF he called, the money would be mailed. No contact = no money.

My oh my, did the three sons think their parents had lost their minds. They were giving our brother money to buy drugs and then to deal those drugs. But my parents were firm. They decided that they just HAD to keep the lines of communication open. they HAD to leave the door open for when he decided to come home and get clean and sober. What utter fools my parents are!

My brother DID call. He vaguely remembers the calls - with the phone booth melting around him in a glow of psychedelic lights. He vaguely remembers mumbling something, anything to my folks. But he called each week - my folks money was his only income and he was NOT stupid. Only high - all the time with every drug imaginable.

Three years later, my brother - a skeleton of himself, with blood shot eyes and little ability to think clearly, crawled home. They took him in with open arms and a loving hearts. They set rules and enforced the rules of the house - but all the sons had lived with those rules for years - he handled it.

Six years later, he graduated from USC with a degree in psychology. He married the woman who had put up with his idiocy for years. He was STILL using all this time but was able to pull himself together enough to hold down bad jobs and get through college.

On the day he was first left alone with his beloved daughter and was so high he could not care for her, he decided enough was enough, and began NA and AA.

Today he is a highly respected therapist with Master's degree. He manages a major drug and alcohol rehab center and is in private practice on the weekends. His marriage is the only marriage of the four sons that did not end in divorce. His two kids are grown and delightful.

My parents were correct. The BEST course of action is to follow your heart - even when your head (or your other sons) mock you for doing so. If Mom and Dad had NOT kept the lines of communication open with the only resource left to them (money) my brother would probably be dead today.

"Courage" is the hard road my parents chose to take.

"Courage" is the hard road you are traveling with your beloved son. Follow your heart here and all will be well.

Leslie - you hang in there.

What a beautiful story, thank you Richard for telling it -
what a wise pastor not to rely on his own wisdom-
what wise parents to keep faith with the son... and the prodigal came home.

I was going to say maybe one letter a month - just whatever you can bear. You know your limits.
I know it will be hard to reach out without certainty of an answer.
I wish you strength in this, dear Leslie--
Holly

But there is real courage in reach out a loving hand to one who is not expressing recipricol love. The courage of laying your heart on the line.

LG