Estrangement from Son

I just found my son is now on Facebook. I can't "friend" him as he isn't communicating with me (not even by email, like he was for a while). It hurts. If I tried to contact him via FB, he'd ignore me and may even stop using FB altogether.

I wish I knew what I had done to cause this. At least I can read his posts and see what he's been up to lately. That's something. I was even able to save his FB picture to my computer. I haven't seen him in years. He looks really good.

Tears are falling. I'd better change subjects. Thanks again for listening.

£eslie

Oh Leslie! I can't even imagine! Especially having no clue as to what you did in order to try and rectify it.

You're heart must be breaking.

I'm sending hugs your way.

Charlotte

Dear Leslie-
I am so very sorry.... my heart is just breaking for you- I can't breathe reading your post.
I wish to God I could help you , dear Leslie....
If there is anything I can do, if you want prayers for him (I know your own feelings), but I will do anything to help....

your friend,
Holly

Leslie-
that's so awful There has to be a way to get him to communicate with you!! Every boy needs their mom... Time heals... He may be over whatever it was and waiting for you to make the first move???

Have you made recent attempts at communication?

Please don't misinterpret my questions as judgement or prying!!! I just can't imagine the hurt you feel in missing your baby boy and can't accept that it has to be that way!

I am sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.

Leslie....so sorry to hear it. I can only imagine how hard it is. I have the opposite - my father removed himself from my life (haven't heard from him in over 6 years). However I know the cause - he chose a woman over his kids and when she made it clear she didn't want us around (we were both adults) we left it up to him and he made his choice.

One question...are you unable to friend him because you are afraid of him rejecting and walking away (I can understand that - trying to stay somewhat in his life) or are you unable to because Facebook won't allow it? I just wondered as one of my cousin's husband, you can't "friend" him - there's no link.

I hope that at some point in your life the fences can be mended.

I'm sorry Leslie. There was a time in my life when I was awful to my Mom. I didn't cut off communication completely, but I was not at treating her at all well. Later we put all our grievances against each other aside and went on to have a wonderful relationship. I'm hopeful that things will work out, sooner than later, between you two.

Hugs,
Chris

That sounds so awful Leslie. I hope you can work something out together one day (soon). My aunt's children cut her off when she divorced their dad. It was a long time ago and I'm not sure of the full details (they all live in Australia), but now they have repaired the relationship and are making up for lost time. Very sad though and I know my aunt went through a terrible time.

Hugs

Amy

My Dear Friend

I cannot imagine your pain. I sympathize, but your heart must be breaking in places I have never felt. I am so very sorry.

In your shoes, I would write old fashioned, in an envelope, mailed, letters to my daughter, I would write about things I did that day ... just chit chat things ... like running errands today and washingthe car and paying a few bills .... nothing emotionally heavy.

My daughter could choose to trash my letters unopened. But at least I would be reaching out to her. I would feel better for constantly trying.

Again, I feel for you my dear friend. If I can do anything ... just name it and it will be done immediately.

All my best to you and your wonderful husband.

I like the letter idea very much. It leaves him open to do what he wants but also helps you get some comfort. It would be a little hard never knowing if he read them or not but maybe eventually a good day would arise and you would get a letter back.

I am so sorry Leslie. I wish there was more I could do. I am happy you have found his facebook to be able to keep up with him and see that he is okay, that must give you great comfort in itself. I do wish the situation looks up in more ways than that though, so I will be thinking of you. If you ever need anything that I can help with, please let me know.

Wishing you happy days ahead

Leslie,

I wanted to let you know I am so sorry for this situation with your son. I think if you tried to facebook and told him how good he looked and how you would like to catch up maybe he would reply. I do not think he would stop facebooking. It is worth a try just to reach out. You are his mother and reaching out is to me better than not trying at all. (Just my 2 cents) I do not know details.

Letter that Richard said is also good. Try, at least later on he can say well mom I know you tried.

Good thoughts are coming your way.

Hugs to you,

kimsmom

I'm so sorry Leslie. I know you're heart is broken. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. Maybe he'll come around at some point. I surely hope so. Big hugs to you!

I'm sorry Leslie.

-mgb

Leslie:

Thinking of you, wishing I could make it better.

Leslie,
I am terribly sorry. As a daughter I know how conflits - especially silent unsolved conflits - may ruin lives.

Maybe the point is not in what YOU have done, but in what HE has done. Maybe he did something he's not proud of and now he fears your judgement. Just a theory, anyway.

Can't you try to investigate through your other son or through common friends/other family members who are still in touch with him?

Bye

I was thinking the same thing- an old fashioned letter. {{{{I am so sorry Leslie}}}}

But if you want to salvage this you must show you try - you know - 'action speak louder than words'... and never ever give up. Keep sending these letters. That's what they look for. And you'll see, you'll see!


Risa

The pain of not knowing is the hardest, Leslie, and there is no guarantee that he will cooperate. I send my prayers. Just let him know you care and hopefully he will let you in. As was said before. Maybe he is not mad at you. Maybe he is hiding from you.

Angela

Thinking of my friend and this situation. I am sorry, truly. I'd try what others have metioned, hand written from the heart notes to him. Maybe once a month......maybe you will hear, maybe he will read, maybe he won't...but they will be there. And you will have expressed your heart.

I don't forget this part of your life my friend.........thank you for the love you have shown my son over the years.....it's been treasured, special, even 'magical' !, and always thoughtful.

Much Love.

My heart hurts for you.

Alli

thinking of you, i really hope you have a positive outcome in the end x

My kids were estranged from me for awhile. Where there is life there is hope.

How are you doing Leslie sweet.

I was thinking about you an your son, and wondered perhaps he is miffed not so much with you but with your hubby, and you are just in the cross fire.
My gut is telling me if you only show him how determined and undeterred you are in staying in touch with him no matter what, he WILL relent.

I wish that for you with all my might.

Risa

It truly warms my heart to know I have such kind and caring friends here. Your suggestions and good will have lifted my mood up greatly.

I am embarrassed that my own child doesn't want me in his life. During the divorce and all that came with it, it was not this son I thought I'd have a problem with. Perhaps that is where the seeds of this divide were sewn. I probably exerted more effort toward the other son in order to forestall any problems with him. Perhaps I neglected my relationship with my older son. Who knows?

Again, thank you all for your kind support and gentle suggestions. You have given me the courage to keep the communication lines open even if the messages only go in one direction.

If anything changes, I will surely let you all know.
£eslie

Leslie,

All you can do is try - if he tosses the letters, that's his choice but you've made the choice to try to stay in his life.

Divorce can be one of those funny things. My parents separated when I was 18 and later divorced. I am the older child and I found out about the separation when it came down to my mom moving out. I was never asked or told before that. Granted I was going off to college but I was never asked who I wanted to have "home" with. But my younger brother knew about everything (granted he was still a minor and it made more of a difference). It really hurt that my mom never asked, I don't know if it never occurred to her or what. So I stayed with my dad - he never saw it coming and it began the strange family dynamics. I had the pleasure of being the ping-pong ball when one parent would use me against the other. Most of this eventually stopped but my relationship with my mom still isn't the best. I have a feeling she never knew how much it hurt me to be an after thought rather than being part of the decision. 10 years later and there is still a rift that has never been repaired...well there's more to this story but enough about me. My point being that you could have done something (or not done something) and never really known how it impacted your son. Perhaps it is just being a girl but I would love to have a normal relationship with one of my parents (dad's a story for another day) and I know that my dad and I could but for various reasons, he's going to have to make the effort.

I hope that you and your son's relationship can be restored...just to be able to be a part of each others life. Family is so important and in the end is the only thing that really matters.

Best wishes,

Becky

Becky,

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I appreciate your laying bare some personal facts in order to help me. I will continue to try to be in my son's life and you and the others here have boosted my determination to do so.

I hope you find the relationship you desire with your parents. Remember they're only human and I'm sure they love you.

£eslie

Leslie,

My heart is breaking for you.

I don't know if you remember, but for years my son had alot of legal problems (this was as a juvenile) and it was very hard for me.

Just about 2 years ago he decided he wanted to move to Missouri to live with his Dad.

Let me tell you that it broke my heart to let him go, but I knew I had to.

Our relationship was strained and I know he thought that I was being completely unreasonable by some of the things I said to him.

I was just trying to tell him that he would pay a price in the future for his behavior and he didn't like it.

Also his Dad is an alcoholic and although I know deep down my son knew that, he refused to admit it out loud anyway.

He wasn't there but a few months when he called me and told me I was right about his Dad's drinking problem.

My son has also been to jail twice in that two years and is just now getting all his fines paid off.

Both jail sentences were due to the fact that he thinks sometimes that the laws are stupid, (such as marijuana being illegal) and therefore refuses to follow them.

The justice system was too easy on him as a juvenile and I don't think he realized how much more seriously it would be taken as an adult.

He hated jail. He was scared to death being in there with even murderers.

I cried for days when he called me from jail, but it was the best thing for him.

He can now pass a drug test, has a good job, and is going to a good church that caters to youth.

He had pretty much shut me out of his life when he left for his Dad's.

Of course he called me from jail but then I was the only one taking his calls so that doesn't really count.

When he really started talking to me again was after he got out and started going to church.

He told me that the minister counseled him that he needed a good relationship with his mother because no one will ever love him the way his mother does.

There is a special bond between mothers and sons that never goes away.

That bond may become hazy at times, but it's always there.

I will be praying for you and your son Leslie.

Richard's idea of the letter writing I think is good.

That may be the only option right now.

Something will bring him to the realization that he needs that relationship with his mom.

It might be one of your letters, it might be something someone says to him.

Who knows what it will take, but it WILL happen.

Take care dear Leslie, you are a gem.

Cindy