How illness rips a family apart :(

So my dad is having a hard time tolerating the chemotherapy. And my mom is having an even harder time tolerating watching her husband battle cancer.

She is in denial at times and trys to expect too much from him, which upsets him and then they both are a mess and at eachother. And being the oldest child, they both turn to me to vent........about each other!!! Ugghh! It's an awful awful spot to be in, and so I am a ball of stress. Consequently, my brother and I got into an argument and I lost control and said lots and lots of things I'd never said to him.

My other brother lives in Japan......and I, in times like these can't help but feel resentment for him leaving and chosing to lie to far removed, not sharing in any joy or tough times with us.

So, my mom was calling and texting me complaining non-stop until I couldn't take it any more So I ignored her for awhile. Now my dad is calling me telling me how upset my mom is and feels like we are all against her and not seeing that she is doing her best. Not to mention the calls I get from him when he is down in the dumps or feeling ill.

It is getting to be too much...for us all...and we are only 3 weeks into a 17wk chemo treatment plan.

Oh, J, ......family........... what can I say? You love them so much, but sometimes they're so difficult.

Even though your parents need to vent, I think you need to tell them that the stress and your own medical issues have been hard on you and you can't be their referee and arbitrator right now. You love them, but can they please share a little of their trials and tributions with your siblings. You need to be good to you right now, that will help you to be good to them and your own little one.

Take care. You're in my prayers.

Becky

Oh boy, I was there just 2 short years ago and it was like I had written what you wrote. My sister went on a ski vacation when my father went into the hospital and continued to be absent throughout the year. My brothers lived far away so it was just me dealing with my parents' emotions and care.

It also brings the family so much closer together in the end. Remember that you are not there to solve their issues because they started way before you were born. Take a deep breath because you have your own fears and pains to deal with. Give them a short voice and tell your mom that you know she is afraid, but stop them if you must, don't let them overpower thier needs over yours, and love them anyways. Easier said than done. Just remember, you are not here to fix it, because you can't. You are only a compassionate witness.

Sending prayers to you and your family in these tough times. The of cancer treatments of today has evolved to many success stories and if my frail 80 year old father can pull through, then so too is it possible for your father. I know how tough this is and my heart is with you.

Angela

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I pray every day they find a cure for cancer. I had it at age 29 but found it early so no chemo. There are no good ways to deal with this. You just have to pray and take one day at a time. I know this has to be so hard for us migraine people. But talking and venting does help. Will be praying for your family. Also I think I found an answering machine answer. A friend at work said use to machines and put both on timers. So plan to try this tomorrow. Take care. Billy

I feel for you. WHen my father had cancer it seemed to bring out the best and the worst in the family. My mother and I had took on the brunt of being with him while other family members were either absent or in denial. There was no easy answer to that dilemma.

THe answering machine sounds like a really good idea. Then they can vent to voice mail and you can listen or not. As sad as it is, I've kind of trained my family to leave me vm's as I ignore my phone when I don't feel well, which is too often.

Hugs to you and I hope the next couple of months goes by quickly. Stay strong and don't be afraid to tell your parents when you are too wrung out to handle anymore. It may take their minds off their issue and make them think about their daughter for awhile.

Wow, I just came here to vent about my insignificant problems. I am so glad I read your post first, J, as I would be horribly embarrassed to have made my complaints and then read your post.

If you can elicit help from a sibling, please do so. It is not fair for you to have to deal with this all alone. If you can't bring yourself to confronting your parents about their taking it easy on you, please have someone speak up for you. After all, your parents need you in this difficult time and if they over stress you, then you won't be able to help them very much when they need you most.

My thoughts are with you and your family as you travel this bumpy path.

£eslie