Ever get in trouble?

Does anyone else ever get pressured into attending family/church/school events etc in the midst of an excruciating migraine and then get harshly criticized by your significant other for appearing "drugged out" in public due to both the side effects of your pain and nausea meds as well as the migraine itself? Personally, I don't know how to not act like I am on pain medication when I am!! Combine that with nausea meds (was out if Zofran so I was taking phenergan) along with Norco and migraine pain and you have a Molotov cocktail of acting loopy. (No actual alcohol cocktails involved LOL). I feel like a constant failure because I can't be everywhere looking like the perfect stepford wife when I am in agony from an 8+ migraine. Then, when I am made to go I get in trouble because I am not acting "right" or I am acting sleepy or what have you due to my meds...the list of complaints goes on and on. How do you handle all of this pain and still meet everyone else's expectations for you?

I am really sorry you don't have an empathetic partner, what a drag. We hear about it a lot, migraineurs whose partners don't get it, whose families don't get it. I've been fortunate, have only had managers who didn't get it. I'm single and I bring it up pretty early with anyone I'm dating to gauge their reaction.

Have you considered couples therapy?

We have tried it to no avail. If my migraines do not improve with my trip to the headache clinic, I truly fear for our marriage. On top of everything, today he told me that he got another account at work which is going to require him to be in California a substantial portion of the time. We live in Arkansas. Although I have no children, I am helping him raise his 7 yr old daughter. I have been her "mom" since she was 3 yrs old and her biological mom lives out of state and does not care to play a big part in her life. I have a hard enough time with the little girl by myself when he is gone 1-2X per month now. If the trips are going to be more frequent and longer, I do not know how I am going to be able to deal with single parenthood during those times when I have excruciating migraines. I always fall short of his expectations now...that can only get worse with me taking on raising his daughter primarily by myself. I don't think my health will let me do it.

There's a good marriage/separation/divorce forum here:
mdjunction.com/separation-divorce
You might want to check it out.

It's a sad fact that migraine is widely misunderstood and the seriousness of the disease underestimated. Like any illness, migraine is not a condition its sufferers choose.

I hope you have some family and or friends who get it; who understand you have a chronic pain condition and how devastating that is, how it burdens your life.

-Platy

My boyfriend broke up with me over this. Basically I am really quiet all the time and don't like meeting new people or being around loud people because I am often in pain or really sleepy from the side effects of the medicines. It's not that he didn't understand really, he just wasn't satisified with me not wanting to go with him everywhere for his business and when I did go, being too quiet and zoned out. It's sad, and really as I type the word "sad" I know it's way worse than that.

I'm in a Buddhist sangha for people with disabilities, chronic illnesses and health challenges. Members of the group have many conditions -- MS, chronic fatigue syndrome, MCS, depression, chemical dependency, etc. I have my migraines of course.
We were talking about these type of issues one week and a woman in the group said,
"I'm not responsible for other people's ablist (like racist) bullshit."
I've thought of that often since then.

You have one of two possibilities.

1). He does not understand how debilitating migraines really are and thinks "it's just a headache". So take something and you'll be fine. If this is the case find some good articles on the fill range of its effects to better educate him. Or,

2) He is just self centered and really doesn't care how you are feeling. He wants you to be fully functional and fun at what ever times he wants you to be. And he expects you to be able to do that or "you aren't really trying". No amount of discussion or reason is going to prevail in this case, as its just not what he wants to hear.

You have level with yourself to decide which if the two cases you are dealing with. If its the later trying to please him and failing is likely just driving up your stress level and this is probably making your situation worse. Once you realize this, (it's him, not you), you can better deal with him without taking on so much stress.

When you don't have a headache and are thinking clearly, lay out a written plan for what you will and won't do when you have a migraine and present it to him. So if going to parties or sporting events is going to be misserable, just lay down the law and tell him you arent going to do those things with a migraine. It is too easy for him to ignore or turn into an argument if you just do it verbally. A written plan is clearer and less emotional. As a part of that plan list any childcare accommodations you need when he is traveling (e.g. Bringing in a local sitter or neighborhood girl to help when you are not up to it). List also the steps you are taking to improve your condition (eg doctors, medications, etc. ) so he sees that you are not just accepting your fate, but also working to get better.

If he does not accept this and still wants to make it all about him and you are not doing enough for him, you will need to seriously think about the relationship. Are you better off with him or without him, as Ann Landers used to say?

Hi,

Interesting topic.

Yes, I get in trouble for migraines all the time- particularly at family or public events. The strange thing is that I didn't get in as much trouble when it was only migraines, but add fainting to the mix and it happens more.

It is usually my mother and one of my brothers who get upset by it. They either get mad at me for being "out of it" due to migraine, effects of meds, or tell me not to come if I feel bad. This call comes after one that says- "please drink tons of fluid, take extra meds, do whatever you can not to faint." (believe me- if this was under my control, I wouldn't have either problem.) However, I usually go with the first call and go to the event anyway. Also, I usually get through big events and then get sick afterwards. My mother has chronic pain and does the same thing. I usually get in trouble for being loopy or for fainting because it singles me out as not "normal" and it scares my older brother.

In many ways, it sounds like your husband is sort of a high-powered guy who is used to having a lot of control over what goes on in his business/work life. However, you can't control the migraines- very few people can- and he probably hates the fact that no one can. This seems to be my brother's main problem with migraines and fainting. He is just going to have to deal with it- it is life. It is clear you are putting a great deal of effort into being there for him and for his daughter. The big problem with migraines is that they mess with our lives in ways others can't imagine and then we have to do everything to make sure we still appear normal even if it means taking pain meds and smiling.

As to the 7 year old- she is certainly old enough to understand the fact that your head hurts. Are there times when she can color or watch a video or do something low key when you have a bad migraine? I am sure she loves you and I know she will understand why. (I grew up with a mother who had chronic pain, but still managed to work- though she did change specialities so wouldn't be on call.) I work with 6 year olds who are more empathetic than most adults.

You can always come here as well.

Pain freee days,
sailingm

Thanks so much for your replies everyone. I truly appreciate them and it really helps to come here and have a group of people understand. I am, however, sorry you all are having to live the migraine nightmare as well.

Pain free days to all,
Pinkballerina

A long time ago, I decided that I would try to do whatever I could, and I would make plans for the future even though there is always that possibility that I would have to back out or cancel. And you know what? If that happens, too bad! I'm tired of having to explain myself!