Struggling

Maybe it's the passing full moon, maybe it's the holidays, but I am struggling. I stopped working at the end of October and had a really nice hiatus in migraine craziness. I had been stuck in a 6 month, non-stop cycle and experienced my first relief. I had good days with absolutely no pain and felt so much better!

This episode/cycle, whatever, started 12 days ago. It hasn't let up even once. I don't celebrate Christmas so there is none of the holiday craziness for me. Just rest, relaxation and hanging with my husband. When Christmas isn't an event, there's not a lot to do.

Some days are severe, some are moderate but every day sucks. I'm still moving about, going out, seeing friends, but everything is once again masked in pain and painkillers. I thought maybe I was overdoing it on pills and had a rebound headache but truthfully, I had been very careful about how many drugs I was taking and how often. I also gave up all drugs for 48 hours (painful) and there was absolutely no change (except my stomach felt better).

I am supposed to start working again in two weeks. I've found a new job, far less responsibility and stress and no computer work. I'm terrified that I'm going to start, hit a cycle like this (or not get out of this one) and be back in that same awful position of calling in sick too often, having my performance micro-analyzed and generally feeling crappy about myself. My husband and best friend say that this is typical me. I can be very cynical about life. I suspect a lot of you are like that too. They are encouraging me to embrace the change, and try it with an open mind. I want to but I'm scared. With this unrelenting pain again, I am starting to wonder whether I'm fit to go back and and be responsible. Like I said, I'm struggling emotionally and physically. (I suspect they're linked, but the physical pain came first so who knows. A good therapist would say it was the unconscious fears about work that caused or at least contributed to the pain.)

Just needed to get that off my chest.

I am sorry that you are going thourgh such a bad patch again, Feddy.
I wonder if it is possible that the stress about startting new job - such experince is stressful for anyone - and the anxiety of returning migraines as a result working again, is itself a trigger for this new cycle of pain.

We all panic when after better period the pain comes back again, but we know that migraine is unpredictable and has different patters over the years. All we can do is to be aware of triggers and not to make things worse for ourselves.
Tension and fear about more pain is familiar to us all, so we must be aware that this is a normal feeling but we must not allow it to overhwelm us.

You mentioned that stress was in the past one of your triggers (it is also for me and for many people), so at the moment try to calm down and try to use best method avaible to you in order to relieve as much stress as possible in day to day functioning.
I find that gentle distarction can work quite well, sometimes calming music, sometimes gentle repeated movements (like exercises), sometimes walk. Do not force it, just do what works for you.

Hi Feddy,
I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling again. I know a life change like this is really hard. It's been hard for me too. I finally resigned myself to get back on anti-depressants. I'm currently taking 50mg of amitriptilyne and it has helped enormously! I was sooooo depressed a few weeks ago with all the changes that are happening in my life. I let go of a very rewarding (but stressful) career as a software test engineer. I just couldn't work anymore (especially at a computer). The dizzy spells, aura ("squiggly lights"), fainting, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, etc. And I was getting NO support from any of my co-workers or bosses. I was miserable through Thanksgiving and Christmas, even though I have a great family and the world's most awesome fiance.

Things turned around on New Year's Eve. The antidepressants have kicked in and I'm excited about starting a new journey in life. Time to leave the past behind and move forward. I had my first round of Botox, which I'm hopeful will help (still waiting). I'm starting a new career as an artist and I'm going to try and sell my "trinkets" to the local art stores and on Etsy. I'm also a part-time poker player. This will make me self-employed and self-sufficient. I can work when I feel like it and rest when I need to.

Keep the faith. Things will get better. I'm sure that the stress of starting a new job has triggered the migraine monsters. Give this new job a test period to see if its the right thing for you. If not, then move on and congratulate yourself for trying. There is absolutely nothing wrong with test-driving these different phases in your life to see what works best for you.

It's really hard to let go of the past. But once you do, it is a very liberating feeling. Talk to your neurologist and see if antidepressants would be a good option for you. Let us know how you're doing.

We care.

Thanks.

I'm doing better today. I cleaned my entire house as a distraction (ugh). Now it's all sparkling and germ free. And I'm still feeling relatively good.

You're both right. This is the stress of starting something new. I have to let go and just embrace this. I have no idea what will happen and that's okay. And you were so right when you reminded me that I can always resign if it doesn't work out. My husband and I have talked about it so many times and now that I've had the courage to walk away from (what was) my career, I can do this.

Test driving things - that's exactly what this is.

Lepoppet, I try very hard to avoid antidepressants. I have gone through two major depressions and only stopped using them about a year ago. I still work closely with my psychiatrist and we've talked about anti-depressants in the last few months but I feel very strongly about not wanting to be on them. He told me that depression breaks down something like this:

50% is our body chemistry; we have a faulty mechanism somewhere in our brain that effects serotonin, dopamine, etc.
40% of it is what happens to us in our life. Prolonged stress, trauma, something that naturally reduces serotonin
10% is us and how we react to it. We can resist the stress, manage the emotions, and therefore effect our chemistry

When things get really bad, I think about this and I know I can influence that 50% and manage. Therapy is HUGE for me (I am such a cliche!).

xo I appreciate you both being so supportive. Thanks.

Sorry you are struggling.

Just an FYI, the consensus on one type of rebound seems to be that more than 2-3 days a week of any one type of abortive med (certain analgesic, triptan, etc) puts you at risk, and you'd need a break of several weeks to test if it would subside. Others would even say that rotating meds (2 days a week of each of 3 meds for example) would be risky.

There is also the more immediate rebound you speak of that taking a short break could test out. Although some doctors seem to be moving away from that as the answer to all patients with daily headache episodes, certain circumstances would make me want to look more closely at it..such as if the headache had a turning point in intensity or type/location. However, there would still be the question of what started it in the first place, and how long it would take to start.

Do your doctors have a plan in place to try to break these cycles, such as IV meds, a steroid taper, or even a period of up to a week of a certain abortive (and then none)? Are you on a preventative med/treatment? If the answer to either of those is no, that is something I would immediately pursue. Hang in there! I hope the new job is better.

I can so relate to stress being a contributing factor. I had almost two weeks off for the holidays and my daily headache was the best its been in months. Today I went back and even right when I woke up it was already bad. ie. even before going back to work the pain was building (apprehension).

I still haven't figured out how to fix it. I'd say on a 0-10 scale my work stress is probably only a 2...no idea why my body seems to respond like its a 9? Best wishes.

Hi tortoisegirl,

Thanks for your thoughts, they are very much appreciated. I was on Topamax for years but came off in March to try and get pregnant. I have run into challenges however that kept me from trying and now I'm somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing. (It's really an awful feeling, I just don't know if I can be a parent.) I talked to my doctor recently about alternative preventative options but she believes that Topamax is my answer. This is despite the side effects (many of which I didn't realize were so bad until they were gone) that I don't want to deal with anymore. One of the most important things I need to do quickly is find a new neurologist. My sister has a good one (she has an auto-immune disorder) and I am going to see how long it will take to get a referral to him.

My most recent strategy to break the cycles has been nerve blocks - generally occipital, in my temples, jaw, neck and shoulders. But they only last a few hours and it doesn't always work. I honestly didn't know there were other options (i.e. IV) and clearly, my doctor didn't think of that either. Thanks tortoisegirl, that's really good food for thought, especially when I talk to a new doctor.

Until then, I am on my own. I tend to stay away from abortives as I have trouble with them; I can't use several and the others are only effective a small % of the time. So for the most part, I just don't use them. Because of that, I know that any rebound issues I have aren't from that. I use aspirin and codeine (and very infrequently, Fiorinal). I am very careful about how much and how often I use them, but sometimes (as with the last few days) I use more than I want. Usually when I do rebound, it's the more immediate "hangover" type headache and I can generally recognize it. I just wasn't sure this time because it kept goooiiinnnngggg and going and going.

Hopefully this cycle is done and I can live a bit for a while. That would be nice.

PS - I'm sorry you're struggling too tortoisegirl! The way our bodies can over-react to such simple things is nuts. We are just hyper-sensitive to everything. Sigh