How to manage kids and migraines

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum; actually I'm new to forums in general but I could really use some advice and didn't really have anyone to ask.

To give a very brief summary of what brought me here... I have been suffering from chronic, debilitating migraines since 2006. I currently get around 20 migraines a month, most of which are lower grade but all of which impact my ability to function - my brain just doesn't work properly and I get really heavy and tired even when there isn't a significant amount of pain. I have been through meds, botox, and a variety of alternative treatments and have accepted the fact that this is my life and I just need muddle through it as best I can. I have a wonderful, supportive husband and some really great friends so that helps.

This issue now, is children. I am taking Propanalol at the moment and regularly have to use abortive meds therefore I don't want to risk a pregnancy. However, my husband and I would very much like to have a family. Problem is, I am not very reliable and can't even look after myself at times, let alone a baby. We were on a wait list for adoption and have started the process for foster care but since trying to go back to work and losing my disability payments, we have had to put things on hold.

What I'm wondering about now is, if I can get my disability support back then what happens next? How am I going to manage being responsible for a child when I can't make any commitments to anything these days? Even if I could manage to find a day home that would allow me to drop kids off at moment's notice, how do I get them there when I can't drive? How do people do it? Have any of you hired nannies and if so, what kind of schedules do they have? Am I being completely unrealistic? Should I even be considering having children given the frequency of migraines that I'm having? Am I being selfish? We don't have any family support here so other than friends, my husband and I are pretty much on our own.

Any thoughts? I need some kind of plan. Or maybe some reassurance that this can be done. Please forgive the rambling. I have a migraine right now.

Facts: Babies are noisy, they often disrupt sleep, and they need your attention often. Small children are not much better. I love my daughter, but I barely survived her early years. I would not have been up to it with migraines without alot of help.

I don't mean to be discouraging. Several women on here have small children and can tell their stories, but I know it's difficult. If you have a really good support system you may be able to make it work. Also many people find pregnancy itself changes their migraines. Some for the better.

Good luck!

Thanks for the reply, Migrainegirl. I appreciate your honesty. I know babies are a lot of work and that they are loud (a lot of our friends have kids) and I can't imagine looking after one when my head is really bad. But I also can't imagine not having kids when my head is good. I really want to make this work. Do you think that maybe adopting an older child would be a better option? Do you have any help with your daughter? How do you manage?

Luckily for me I did not get migraines untill my mid-forties and by then the kids were off to college. So they are at an age to much more help, which I appreciate. But when my daughter was little and totally ADHD, it was all I could do to keep up. As I'm very noise sensitive (and it can be a major trigger for me), the generally noisy behavior of most kids would keep me in a permanent headache I think. I did not have help or family nearby back then.

I appreciate your delimma. If at all possible find a program that will keep your migraines under control first before taking the big step. Second idea, "borrow" a kid for a week or two and see how you do. Maybe a niece, nephew or good friend's child. They would always like a break and you can experience how you would cope under daily living. And of course you can always give them back if needed, no harm done.

I hope those forum members who are currently struggling with the task of raising small children chime in with their perspective.

Welcome

I wanted to share my story with you. I am a single parent of a 1 year old, and yes, babies/children are noisy! But that aside somehow being the sole caregiver of this little extension of me has given me so much more strength in every aspect of my life then I had before. I used to wallow in my pain and be able to shut myself off to the world for how ever long I needed to, and now I am forced to buck up- and get through it!

There are days where reality hits however and no amount of "I have to fight this for my child's sake" will get you through the pain, vomiting, heavy limbs, slurring, stumbling, loss of vision, etc... The migraine wins.

On a day to day basis I don't have help with my LO, we live alone. Regardless of how bad my symptoms are, even when I feel like I this particular migraine is worse than my last "worst" migraine, I see it as my responsibility to plaster a smile for my sweet little 1 year old and provide what he needs. I may be counting down until bedtime, but so long as he is fed, dry, and HAPPY!!

On those days I feel it is too much to handle I have to scrounge for my support system. I have wonderful people to help me, but the numbers are TINY. Cue in distance or timing and things can go sour in an instant. I don't have much family, and like I said I am a single parent.

I have been lucky so far in that when the migraine wins, I have had my wonderful people there to help, or the little one was peacefully sleeping in bed for the night.

The most common problem I run into is that where I would have normally maxed out my medications and have gone to the ER to get my IV cocktail and go home.... I cannot. I have to find a sitter last minute, always at night. So I stick it through- looking back not knowing how I coped with the pain after the fact. Wow, I am a strong woman.... before I had my baby I would have gone in to get the meds to end the M, and I made it through???.... somehow. (That's that mama strength , although it is NO fun while you are using it!!)

I will tell you it is doable. Only you know yourself. I manage to get through, but I won't lie to you... it can get pretty darn difficult!

Lisa

Lisa,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You are truly a hero. I can't imagine raising a child alone while suffering with migraines. You must be an incredibly strong person.

All our paths and stories are different. I do agree that you need to continue to work to manage your migraines. How old are you? Do you feel that you have time to work towards stabilizing your health before you make a final decision on your family. I also believe that you need to nurture a strong support system - we are not in this alone and it does take a village to raise children. Besides adoption and foster care have you considered getting involved in children's organizations in your community - coaching, tutoring, etc..? We can still fill our lives with children and love even if they are not are own.

Hey there everyone,

Again, thank you so much for the suggestions and input. In response to your question, Jewish mother, I'm 35 years old and my husband and I have been talking about having kids since we got married four years ago. Now it really feels like the clock is ticking and I am getting more and more desperate.

I love kids. Before I had to stop working, I was a speech pathologist and worked with school-aged kids. I have a nephew and I have friends with children. While I really enjoy spending time with them, it's just not the same as having your own family. I do have a dog whom I love dearly but again, it's not the same. For me the thought of a future without children in our home is really bleak.

It's not just about the kids though; it's about doing something important. My job used to really fulfill me but since being off work the first time I've been waiting and waiting for my health to level off so that I can go and accomplish great things. I'm still waiting and sometimes it is just so frustrating. Foster care is something that really spoke to my heart; I just feel like it's something that I'm supposed to do. But I want to make sure I have a really solid plan in place before I dive into it. I was hoping that if we were to look after school-aged children rather than little ones this might be doable...

Cookie Monster (aka Galletita)

Thank you for the kind words

I agree with Jewishmother that all of our stories are different, I am sure we all could go on for days!

Another poster on this forum had given me some encouraging words one time when I was having a bad migraine that said us migraneurs raise some pretty compassionate children. As they grow they do see that sometimes loved ones just don't feel up to par.

I understand the need to fulfill having your own family. What about big brother/big sister type programs in addition to the other ideas?

I know that fostering can take a long time to get approved for (at least in my area), so you would always have some time to dive into many of the options.

I third the idea of "borrowing" a family/friend's child! Maybe have them go on a short vacation or extended weekend trip sans kids!

Hello Cookiemonster,

I really feel for your situation... I feel my calling in life has been to be a mother. My children are the sun and the moon in my universe and have brought me incredible joy. My migraines did not become "serious" until after I had my two children. I did hire a neighborhood teenager afterschool to be a mother's helper for a few hours everyday. I would use that time to do task uninterrupted. However, many of those days I simply laid down and coped with my migraine. My migraines at there worst were maybe ten to twelve days per month.

Fast forward, my children have grown to 12 and 13 years old. My migraines are much better...managable (knock on wood!). No rhyme or reason...no preventives...just gradually got better However, my daughter has been struggling with transformed migraine CDH 24/7 for the last year. She is homeschooling... because she just can't be at school right now. She has a poor quality of life. She should be out care free enjoying her friends! I feel horribly that I have inadvertantly passed this terrible disease onto her and in a much more dibilitating manifestation. I honestly, don't know if I would have had biological children knowing they could potentailly be suffering so. I have had my share of hardships in life, but by far, watching my daughter suffer this past year has been the hardest! I would much rather it be me!

Have you and your husband had a serious discussion about his desire for children and his ability/willingness to be the primary care giver to children if neccessary? If he is able and willing to do that, it could be done!

I volunteer a few hours a month for an organization called CASA as a Gaurdian ad litem for foster children. It enables me to spend time with children and really make a difference in their lives... I find it very rewarding.

I wish you the very best of luck getting your migraines under control.

Nicole'smom

Hey everyone,

I have a migraine right now so please forgive me my somewhat brief response. Just wanted to say thank you again for all of your advice. My husband and I had a really good conversation about our situation the other day and I have come to realize that as much as I want to start a family, now is probably not the best time.

When I was thinking about going back to work, I kept changing my mind and then one week I just knew I was ready to try. I hope that my health stabilizes enough that I will one day soon have that same feeling of certainty about having children. Until then, I guess I just have to be patient.

Cookie Monster (Galletita)

As others have said, having a child or children with migraines is VERY difficult. I have four children, the youngest is 4 years old. I have suffered from migraines for almost twenty years. They become chronic (daily) almost four years ago when my youngest was just a baby. I make it through. Your children give you the strength to push on. You have to, for them. Don't get me wrong, some days I wish I could just run and hide or stay in bed all day...and when it's really, really bad, I enlist the help of my hubby or my extended family and I do. But, the guilt of missing out on even one day of my kids is, sometimes, unbearable. So, my advice to you is, don't rush into anything. Really, really think about the sort of support system you have in place for those days when you cannot just muddle through, because even with kids, you will have those days when you just cannot keep going, even for them. And, there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Children are a blessing, of course, but you really need to think about it, are you ready to listen to a baby crying when you are in unbearable pain? Do you have enough people around you who can help you??

Also, I think the experience for the kids of seeing Mommy in pain a lot can be really hard for them. At the same time, I think it has made my children more aware of the feelings of others and, in general, more compassionate people. And, having them has given me the courage to keep fighting and has kept me from being a complete hermit and hiding in my bed all day...

Good luck with this tough decision. And, know that we are all pulling for you!

Michelle

Hi All,

I thought I'd share the experience from a different point of view- the child's.

My mother has had chronic back pain all of my life. When I was born, she couldn't even pick me up because it hurt her back. I know that must have bothered her a great deal, but she held me all the time and often had my brothers (who were 8 and 10 at the time) carry me. My father alsoo carried me a great deal. My mother is a physician and worked in general practice pediatrics until the back got to be too bad. When they re-did her office, they put little built in steps in the exam rooms so she was not the one picking up the children. When i was 9, she did a mini-fellowship in learning disablities and then treated cchildren with ADHD and other disabilities. She retired completely when I was 15 due to the back problems.

Even though she couldn't do some of the things she did with my brothers, it worked out. The fact that her back hurt, was just that, a fact of life. It also taught me that you can still do a great deal in spite of things. When the migraines became chronic when I was 17, she and my father did everything they could to figure out what to do about them. (Dad is a physician too.) It did not stop her from being a great mother. Her experience with chronic pain also taught me how to deal with it, how to ppush through it, and how not to let it stop me. When one of the drs at the diamond clinic told me that i wouldn't graduate from high school and certainly not college, I learned to push through it. And I sent him an invitation to my graduation. I also managed to graduate college on time. Yes, there are times when it has been hard, but that is true of a lot of things.

I hope that you do have children or adopt them. The children will be fine- and who knows, one could always grow up and find that wonderful cure we are all waiting for. I think you would be a wonderful mother- no matter how it works out. I think the child will be fine. I am, well, except for the headaches and fainting.

Pain free days,
sailing

Sailingmuffin,

I just read your message and I am crying right now, but in a good way. I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear that having a parent who lives with chronic pain did not damage your irreparably. I want so much to have a child but I have this huge fear that I am just being selfish, that it is not fair of me to burden anyone else in my life with this horrible condition.

I feel like I have a lot to offer as parent. I have made so many positive changes in my life in an attempt to manage my migraines. I have learned a lot and I know that in many ways I am better equipped to be a parent now than I would have been had my health not deteriorated.

Thank you so much for giving me some real tangible hope, not so much for my ability to manage childcare and migraines but for the idea that I might actually be a good parent in spite of my health problems.

Okay everyone,

So here is my current dilemma. I have heard a lot of people mention that a good support system is really important when you are raising a family, particularly in my situation. The problem is, I have lost many connections because of the migraines.

I have learned that one of my biggest triggers is anxiety and my close family is the source of a great deal of anxiety in my life. As a result, I have had to distance myself from them. My husband and I essentially have no family support where we live. His family is in Mexico and while mine lives close by, I don't rely on them for anything.

We have few close friends but have lost many friends because a lot of the time I am not feeling up to going out and socializing. I am also reluctant to make plans ahead of time because of the likelihood I will have to cancel and the guilt associated with that. The friends we have managed to keep are those who are okay with frequent cancellations and last minute get-togethers. I have tried going out sometimes even when I have a migraine but at many of the parties the predominant language is Spanish (most of my husband's friends are Mexican). While I have learned to speak Spanish, trying to follow conversations in this language when there is a lot of background noise and I have migraine is extremely frustrating. I just end up feeling left out. Plus, I don't feel that I am interacting properly because of the brain fog associated with the migraine. So I usually opt out and stay home while my husband goes to the party.

I have met some really great people over the past few years, people whom I could see myself socializing with on a regular basis if the circumstances were different. However, it is hard to make new friends. After making a few attempts to get together with me having to cancel, I think they assume that I am making excuses and wasn't really very interested in the first place. I have explained that I have frequent migraines but still, is seems to come out sounding like an excuse.

I used to be a real people person. I loved dancing and parties and getting together with friends. I wish I could have that again.

Hi Cookie,

I think many of us feel that we don't have the social life we would like to, so you have lots of empathy on that front.

On a support system for raising the kids, this can come in different forms. If your family is out if the picture for the reasons you named, then perhaps someone from your husbands family (mom, sister, niece) might be interested in moving in with you to help out. If you have the means, hire a nanny or opair. The main thing is that there is someone who can take over when you aren't up to it, which as you know can happen without alot of warning. Many dads are quite capable of this role(and it's good for both dad and child), if their work schedule is not in the way.

You just need to sort out what will work for you, especially when they are small. Once they are older they can learn to help out and work around mommy's headaches.