Panic Attacks.

I finally went to the doctor yesterday, with my white flag raised, and called out for help. I'm killing myself and don't know how to stop. These last few months have been horrible and no amount of positive thinking, yoga, praying, meditation, walks, cognitive therapy or extra vitamins have been able to help. I've reclused into myself, lost weight and worked myself into oblivion. To the outside world I am 'amazing super woman' of accomplishments, but the inside world I feel like a failure and every day it feels like someone is dying or going to die on me at any moment. The big boot is going to drop!

I'm already on antidepressants for years but now I'm getting panic attacks again and I don't know why. There is no 'triggers' now like in the past when I had so much trauma. I'm so angry at my brains for failing me and I actually look forward to a migraine now so I can take a pain killer and zone out. How sad is that. The doctor gave me more Ativan and assured me that if I keep under a certain amount per week, I won't become addicted, so I'm going to use those to zap me out of it. He's also running some tests.

I know very well it can be my lifestyle and the people around me. I can change myself, but I can't change the people around me and this is what I have surrounded myself with. The people around me aren't bad, but they are used to things a certain way and me taking care of everything, and I feed off of that too. It's complicated of course. I finally got the nerve to phone my mother last night and come clean and tell her. What a mistake that was. It's all my fault, you know. Really...what did I expect? Now her and my sister have a new target to focus upon.

Or, could it just be me making a mountain out of a molehill and it is just medical. I was fine when I had a long talk with the doctor and explained how I felt. He said that I am having panic attacks and to take the Ativan to knock out the panic when it starts and to not wait so long. See how it goes and take it one day at a time and come back and see him next week. Then I talk to my mother and everything is spiralling out of control again.

I don't want to see a therapist because I did that route for 2 years (8 years ago) and I'm all for it, but I'm too fragile to have scabs ripped off right now. Or should I? I'm afraid of reawakening all the demons that I've already put the rest.

I guess I'm coming to you guys because I don't trust my family and friends to give me an objective opinion. Am I doing the right thing? My brains won't settle down for me to think straight.

Angela

I'll write you more later when I have time topost. Have to run to a PT appt.

Panic attacks are the worst. It's tough when your family doesn't support you. I just got chewed out by my sister about my phobia of back shots. Hello? I don't have much control over irrational fears.

But, then, that's the story of my life with her.

Charlotte

Do you remember any of the things you learned about coping with anxiety when you were in therapy way back when?

Ativan is a fabulous bandaid, but it's only a bandaid. The wound gets covered and you can forget about it for a bit, but the wound is still there when you take the bandaid off.

It's possible your past is coming to haunt you again. It's also possible that it's physical. It's possible to treat your anxiety without ripping open your wounds again.

I'm sorry your family is not a support to you. If they are triggering your attacks, then avoid them for now.

What worked for you last time you went through this?

Your doctor is wrong about getting "addicted" to the ativan if you only use it so many times per week. If you are using it (or any other med) to "escape" then you are at risk for addiction.

You can gain control over this again, just like you did last time. It may include using ativan, it may not. Either way, you are the one doing the work, and you are the one getting it under control. You did it before...you can do it again. Hang in there!

Thanks for the support Milo and Charolette.

You hanging in there?

What kind of meds are you on? I never had panic attacks until after I started on topamax. The Dr I was seeing started prescribing more and more meds for me and the panic just got worse. At work I would start to cry if I had to go to the bank and make the work deposit. It terrified me. I couldn't go to the grocery store unless my son or hubby was with me.

I ended up living two years coccooned in my bed.

While I'm not suggesting this for you, I only want to relate my own experiece, my life improved dramatically once I got off all pyschiatric drugs. I am at this time considering wellbutrin, but with trepidation and with my eyes WIDE OPEN to possible side effects. I will bolt the second I'm uncomfortable and won't be in such a fog that I can't look out for my own well being.

Try to avoid negative people in your life as much as you can. I know it's hard, I'm like that little puppy wanting the constant approval, get kicked, and then try again for that approval. I finally figured out it wasn't going to come and to place myself around people who are nurturing and caring towards me.

I hope you're doing okay. Hugs.

Charlotte

Thanks guys. I learned a lot while I was in counselling and I can read when it is my head or an ourside force in most cases, so I can self talk myself calmer. I'm hanging in there. Today I woke up dark and am talking myself through and going for the walks.

I could blame it on Topamax but I was like this years before and I so hate to get rid of topamax and live the life of twice the pain. I just can't do that again. I can't. That was no life at all. Other than Topamax for a year and a quarter, I've been on Celexa for 8 years. Then Imetrex and Codine as an aborive for years. My new nightmare started about 9 months ago when I bought a bright new little home and moved out of the little dump I was living in (I think).

Today my parents are coming over for dinner and if anxiety builds too much, I'm going to take an Ativan and stop punishing myself. Next week all the tests are coming in. Maybe it is menopause or Graves again, and atleast I have something to blame it on. I just wish it would go away.

I am getting rid of negative people in my life, one at a time. At work I close my door now and I told the new girl that the door is not closed to her (she needs me right now). I'm afraid that I'm reclusing though.

Thanks for caring. It helps.

Angela

Oh, and don't beat yourself up about wanting to get a M so you can take your good med's. I understand that feeling completely.

When mine got so bad, I wasn't even waiting for the M. I was just taking ANYTHING to try and feel better. I was definitely abusing my narcotics during that two year period.

I'm glad I'm not in that situation anymore so I can take narcotics responsibily.

Charlotte

Angela- hold in there, I know the panic attack stink, but if you're working with a doc/therapist, you'll get it conquered! I noticed that I had my Topamax attacks very clearly associated with a dosage increase, so I could tell it was medicine related. As long as you've been stable and on the Topamax for a bit, I wouldn't lay the blame on it. I know that any major life change (your lovely new home) can cause an increase in attacks, so I've had to learn to coach myself that it's just the new item, and not me, and that I can't let whatever it is control me, I have to control it. It looks weird written out, but self talked, either in my head or under my breath, it helps me.

Paradox- I had the Topamax panic attacks too! Once I went from 50mg to 75 I almost couldn't function, and I had a lot of really crazy plans, just in case. I am on Lexapro now (it's an antidepressant), and it's helping both my migraine attacks and the panic/depression that the migraines and being a student again are bothering me about. Try not to let the fears of side effects on one medication make it to where you won't let yourself try anything new, it can put you in a spot where nothing can help you.

Angela,
I've been in your shoes and I can feel your sufference so well. Inner sufference can be much worse than physical pain.
I have major problems with family and in particular with my mother, too. It took me many years to "heal" and find the right balance. It costed me many mistakes and many anxiety attacks...

I cannot tell you more here on the forum, but if you want, send me a private message. Maybe sharing our experiences can help.

Take care, you're not alone and you can win your sufference

Sara,

Wow...the crazy Topamax plans...I remember those. It was so bad with me I was diagnosed as bi-polar (at 47!). Put on bi-polar meds but not taked off the Topamax. The combination made me completely looney. And non-functional.

Once you have a bad experience it's hard to jump in and try again, but I think at this point I'm willing to try a anti-depressant. But I want my neuro, GP and new psych monitoring it, all of them knowing my bad reaction to past drugs.

Charlotte

Thanks guys, its good to hear your voices and opinions and encouragements. My mother suprised me last night by taking me aside and asking questions and really listening this time, instead of blaring out her opinions. Later when I started to fidget and my father told me to sit down, my mother said, 'leave her alone, she can't help it.' I did sit down, but it felt good to know she understood. I can now use that when I need to calm myself down. 'some people understand and will give me the space'.

One day at a time. This monster started and this monster can end.

Thanks again. You've helped me feel better
Angela

Isn't it reassuring sometimes to hear it isn't just you! That was my reaction to seeing you'd had trouble with the topamax too, not that I'd wish the side effects on anyone, but since we've both had them, it's nice to be able to commiserate. I'm sorry you got even more meds, rather than taken off the ones giving your trouble. Since it was the only new medication I knew right away it was the problem, and I was rather panicky but firm that either the doc gets me off them, or I'm getting off them myself, cold turkey, seizures be darned, they'd be an improvement in ways (or so I believed). And I agree totally, make sure all your docs know the new medication plan, and the all agree on a plan of action if whatever they give you causes problems. Best of Luck!

paradox wrote:Sara,

Wow...the crazy Topamax plans...I remember those. It was so bad with me I was diagnosed as bi-polar (at 47!). Put on bi-polar meds but not taked off the Topamax. The combination made me completely looney. And non-functional.

Once you have a bad experience it's hard to jump in and try again, but I think at this point I'm willing to try a anti-depressant. But I want my neuro, GP and new psych monitoring it, all of them knowing my bad reaction to past drugs.

Charlotte