Back for a moment (bad pain plus high depression equals very little seen of Vicki!)

Hi Friends!

As my subject title says, I'm back for a little bit. I'm posting to say hello, so you know I haven't dropped off the face of this earth and that I'm not angry at you or anything and going on strike.

I just continue to suffer from very high levels of pain that I have had for quite a few weeks now. It has been really rough. So often I say, "I can't bear it any longer!" And then I realize that I don't have a choice! I have to bear it because the only alternative is suicide, and I'm not ready to do that to my family and friends. I have only a few local friends, but I do have all you wonderful online friends, and I know it would hurt you guys at least as much as anyone because you can identify with the impulse in the first place.

So don't worry. I'm not really suicidal, just sometimes wishing that I could go to sleep and wake up in heaven. I wouldn't do anything to make it happen.

But that does show you how depressed I've been too. Every action has been exhausting, and I have had to force myself to do things because I am so depressed I have ceased to care.

I am having a pumpkin carving party for the internaitonal students this afternoon, and then we'll watch an Agatha Christie movie, probably Death on the Nile, since my favorite book, Murder on the Orient Express, was butchered by the latest version. So far, we have over 35 students who have sent in their RSVPs! And since last week, for our regular meeting, we had just 10 RSVP and 22 show up, we could have even more!

I've been trying to come up with a costume to wear for this. Costumes are optional, but I thought I ought to wear something. My ideal would be to go as Little Red Riding Hood because one of our dogs looks just like a wolf, so he could be the Big Bad Wolf. And then my mom could wear her tshirt that says, "Little Red Riding Hood LIED!" On the other side it talks about how good wolves are. At the moment, I'm leaning towards wearing a dress that looks semi-rennaisance fair-ish, particularly if I let my breasts hang out, so I might wear a weaker bra and wear that as my costume, going as a 17th century woman, just without the corsets and stays. We'll see.

We have had some good meetings. Last week, we had our first African student. He is from Ghana, and he told my parents that during our meeting, he felt called to go back to Ghana and start a similar ministry to the many international students who study in Ghana! So we are spreading our roots! Wonderful!

But in general, I don't have much to smile over or laugh at. My depression levels are very high, as are the pain levels. I'm also really exhausted right now, so I will go back to bed any minute now and hope I get some sleep. I woke up 5 times last night to go to the bathroom! And then, since I'm on narcotics, it took forever to get it started! Do you ever experience that problem? That's a common issue from narcotics.

I hope everyone here is doing well. I won't have time now to go through and read your messages. Thanks for the encouraging words on Facebook! I have been stopping by there occasionally, so I have seen your comments then!

Where would I be without my Rondanians?!? Even my parents are noticing a change in me as I am withdrawing from the world. That is a classic symptom of depression yet one that needs to be dealt with. It's a nasty thing to address.

I will do my best to come back and at least read responses to this point. Know that I do care about all of you. I just have been in such a bad place lately that i haven't been up to dealing with anything at all!

Vicki, girl, you hang in there! I've been where you are and it comes and goes. Sometimes the bad ones seem like they will never end.

You reminded me so much of my daughter when you said you could wear the Renaissance style dress if you let your breasts hang out. That is exactly something she would say. Except she would call them "the girls." That genetic trait must have skipped a generation, she sure didn't get it from me (um, the girls, that is. I couldn't pull it off!). Unfortunately, she did inherit the migraines. I'm adopted, so I don't know what came before me.

I'm glad you're touching base here. It can be so easy to withdraw completely from others, especially with having your family right there.

Take care.

Vicki - so glad that you posted sweetie. I've been worried about you.

I completely understand what your feeling. I too have those same feelings and it takes everything that I have not to act on them. They have gotten worse since I'm not working anymore and spending most of my time at home. It's not that I'm not busy because I am with all that I have going on. I guess it's just re-living all that stuff in my past since that is what I'm working on and it's bringing up all those old memories that is making me really depressed, plus the daily pain. Not sure, but it' hard...

I just wanted to say, please make sure that you don't stop talking to people about how you are feeling. I'm glad that you have your family right there with you and you know you have us here. Just make sure you always reach out sweetie, to someone just like you are doing now.

Like Cathy said - hang in there girl! I know it's hard. But, believe it or not, things do get better. It's hard to see and believe that now, but they do and they will.

Sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Also know that I am always here if you need to talk. xoxo

Vicki,

I'm so sorry you have been having such a terrible time. I am amazed at all you do in spite of your situation. You do so much good and are such a caring, generous person. Although I don't share your particular religious beliefs, I do pray and I pray for you.

Hugs,

Chris

Vicki
Good to hear from you. I hope the migraines and depression ease ASAP. Wish there was something I could do to help make things easier.
Take care
Amy

{{{{{Hugs Vicky}}}}}

Thinking of you, and sending positive vibes. and Happy Halloween!

[You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Risa

Hello girly,

Just doesn't seem right someone so pretty should be so down. You cheer up now else I'll rouse on you.

Sad to hear your pain levels are up - not good at all.

Marion

Thanks for the replies! As for the Halloween party, I did wear the semi-Rennaisance style dress but didn't wear the weaker bra because I really didn't want to look that huge! I cringed when I saw pictures of myself in that dress a year ago at my best friend's bridal shower! It turns out that only three volunteers and one student wore costumes. My mom went as Willie Mays (her hero, the SF Giant's biggest star), and a woman who has been to Kenya more times than anyone else went as a Maasai. One of the students wore a really cute, sexy pirate costume for a woman. She had the figure to pull it off too! And her boyfriend wore barrettes that clip onto your hair and look like cat ears, so he sort of wore a costume.

But we had 42 students show up to this party! The pumpkin carving went well; they had a blast. One group of Korean women made the Korean flag. I never saw them lit because I got so wiped out before it was over that I went to bed and didn't finish out the evening, which included missing seeing the pumpkins lit. But my parents said it went well. Our ISI representative from the area brought Vietnamese sandwiches and paid for them out of the Southern California ISI (International Students, Inc.) budget, so that saved us a lot of money and pleased a lot of students, who felt at home with their native food. We had a hard time getting everyone where they could see the Agatha Christie movie (Death on the Nile), and my dad said that a lot of the guys wanted a scary movie. But, being prone to nightmares because of my meds, I refuse to watch scary movies, so this is what we offered. They said about half watched and half socialized and played games during the movie. But all had fun. And I went to bed early on in the movie.

Today has just been a day of exhaustion. I slept until 3:30 when the phone's ringing woke me up, but I was too out of it to figure out that I needed to pick it up to talk in it. And then I went straight back to bed once dinner was over. I'm up now because I wanted to check online to see how the Giants did in the World Series game. San Francisco has never won a World Series, and my mom, one of their biggest fans, is eagerly hoping she gets to see a World Series win this year! So I thought that I'd check to see how we did, and we won! (Sorry to any Texas fans, since I know you too have never won, but we're devoted life-long San Francisco Giants fans!)

Thanks for the good comments. I'm disturbed to see that there have been changed here at Ronda's that I don't like, with Milo and Richard leaving. Has anyone else gone too?

The depression and pain both seem to linger heavily. What is hard is that it doesn't even seem that talking about the depression does much anymore. It used to help me a lot to talk about how I was feeling, but it doesn't seem to be doing so now. My main outlet is my last roommate that I had before I moved back in with my parents. She goes to school at the University of Kent in Canterbury, England, so we communicate by writing text messages back and forth to each other, having long conversations that way. She has been a huge support. My other two best friends haven't really been that helpful. The one from Mongolia had to go back to Mongolia because her mother was dying (and died while she was there), so she took her husband and son to see her mom before her mom passed away. And then her baby got seriously ill because of the dramatic change in weather there, so she was freaking out about that, while dealing with her mom's death. And then her family wouldn't let her prepare for the funeral because she's a CHristian, and the Buddhist church wouldn't allow her or her sister to attend the funeral because no woman who is pregnant or has a young child is allowed to attend the funeral! So she is really grieving extra because of being left out, as well as just the loss of her mother.

So that is what is going on with me. I'll try to be back before too long!

Vicki - glad to see that your get together went well. Please keep us posted sweetie on how you are doing and feeling.

Did I miss something and when did this happen?? When did Richard and Milo leave and why?? I haven't posted much because of what has been going on in my life, but I have been reading here. Can someone please feel me in on what happened to make them leave?

Hugs!!