What is your favorite joke?

This has been my old stand-by. Now please remember I was reared by a campload of feminists.

How do you stop a man from drowning?

Take your foot off of his head.

I LOVE men, so I don't tell this one anymore.

Now I tell this one:

What did the Russian say to the Japanese man?


I don't know, I don't speak either language. tee hee...I find this one so funny cus I made it up...and most people think it'll be a racist joke and they are WRONG!!!!!!!

So what are your favorite jokes to tell????

My favorite joke is when my almost three year old says "Knock, knock ". who's there "boo!", boo who? "Boo hoo, Don't cry! It is just a joke!".

She kills me. And she has an impressive repertoire of about four knock knock jokes that are really funny that she understands why they are funny and can tell them.

Love it.

M

Something that really happened when I was a kid.

My uncle was reading the newspaper: "tonight there will be a moon eclypse"
My 3 year-old cousin: "on which TV channel?"

Still makes me laugh because she was so naive

What was the last thing King Alfred said to his men before they got into the boat??

Get into the boat men....

Carried that around for about 50 years.....

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the possum it could be done.

All my other favorites can not be posted on this forum. Yes, I have a potty mouth and love dirty jokes.

I am crap at jokes, can only remember ones from when I was a kid.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies......up his sleevies...

Wow, we all have a load of PG jokes. lol

Gonna get in trouble for starting this controversial topic now I bet.

Tone it down folks. tee hee

I like lots of different jokes. I can't decide on just one.

Here is an old standby that has a feminist bent too. Although, I can see how men could turn it around to show their long- suffering when trying to communicate with women.

If a man speaks in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

Yes.

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There was one from the TV show, Big Bang Theory. Math geek humor that just cracked me up.

"Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side." badaboom

We had a blanket factory in town, but it folded. (groan)

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered
and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Sign at the zoo: Frog parking only. All others will be toad away.

From my daughter: Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

This post gave me laughter and a big smile. Just what I needed thanks everyone.

1) What's the best time to go to the dentist....? Tooth-Hurty (like 2:30 haha)
2) What's did the sushi say to the bee.............? Wasabee (like What's up Bee)

and i'm bad at your mama jokes, but hear it goes (my sister has a good one, i'll ask and post later)
3) Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale..Ohhhh.. (kids don't try this at home.. seriously)

LillianLovato27 wrote:
3) Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale..Ohhhh.. (kids don't try this at home.. seriously)

Not if they want to keep living!

Chris

Nurse: "Doctor....there's a man in the waiting room that says he's invisible".

Doctor: "Tell him I won't be able to see him today".


I researched my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Why did the woman cross the road?




...beats me how she got out of the kitchen!


I've just written a new book, it's called: 'Pop goes the weasel ...

... and other fun microwave games!'

Tee Hee

my standard psychiatrist joke....you wouldn't believe how many of my patients feel the need to tell me this one...

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb?

None, a psychiatrist helps the bulb want to make the change itself.

ugh....I HATE that joke.....lol

Indeed Milo, how amany times do we hear that, and it works with Psychologist too.
Usually goes, "The bulb has to want to change..."

So funny...

I told my psychologist that I think I am a dog. He told me to get off the couch. - Rodney Dangerfield.

This was sent to me in a forward and I got a chuckle - thought I'd share.

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.





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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
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And, my favorite is: LOL

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well......she's there.'

You reminded me of the lawyer jokes which I'm sure the lawyers get sick to death of hearing.

My favorite:

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

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How do you tell if it is REALLY cold outside?

A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets.

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What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
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What’s the difference between God and an attorney?

God doesn’t think he’s an attorney.

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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

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What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

Your honor.

What do you call a judge gone bad?

Senator.

My receptionist wanted in on the jokes. This is her favorite chuckle:

The candy with the little hole



The teacher was trying to help the children in her class use their sense of
taste. She passed out several Lifesavers. They had to guess which flavour
each lifesaver was.
The children began to identify the flavors by their taste AND colour:



Red......................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room!

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't.

He just walked in the door."
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A group of elementary school children, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Santa Anita Racetrack to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'
'No madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 3.30.

A lawyer once told me that he was like a rhino...

...thick skinned and liked to charge a lot.


And for those I've not already upset. I've written another book.

This ones on sexism, it's got pictures in it so girls can enjoy it as well.

As I work with Engineers and I'm NOT an engineer, I often do the....

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud
your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."