Mother and Sister vs Me

I am so frustrated by the familiar dance in my life and I would like this scenario very much for it to go away, but people don’t change, and whenever I relax, BAM, I get hit with it again. I don’t know what to do. Let me transgress. I had a crappy childhood where my sister bullied me endlessly and my narcissist mother had no time for me. My teen years I had the lowest self esteem of anyone I know and my friends referred to me as skittish. I overcame depression and drugs and an abusive marriage and a whole whack of bad stuff. Regardless of this I grew self esteem through effort and had the foresight and compassion to raise two fine healthy young boys (20 and 13). I give consistent rules, endless love and make the time to listen and talk.

So, I go out for tea with my mother and the conversation starts with “I notice when Brendan (age 13) is at my place or your sister’s that he is happy but the minute he walks into your door he is quiet”. Well, here we go! I start defending that he is very happy at home but like any thirteen year old doesn’t want to clean his room or do chores, and wants more hours on the computer, etc. Then I tell her about his pressures at school and I tell her that he started getting headaches and she says “I don’t believe in headaches” !!??!! That was when I lost it. I raised my voice in a public place and said ‘how can you not BELIEVE in headaches? You can’t just believe or not believe! The kid comes home with a headache, the kid has a headache!” She shakes her head and says headaches are just an excuse. Suddenly I was thirteen again. Amazing how that happens!

I’m sitting in shock and she starts in on my older son and how come he doesn’t have a career yet. My older son is going to apply with the police this year and I am so proud of him, but in all honesty, as a mother, it scares the hell out of me that he has chosen such a dangerous job. I already buried my younger brother and that pain still hasn’t subsided after all these years. Lord, I can’t bear to have anyone come after my son in harm. Call me selfish, I don’t give a crap, that is how I feel. He will go when he has the maturity to do so and he is only 20, and is working full time, and has money to go to college in the bank if he changes his mind, and is a good kid and LEAVE ME ALONE OLD WOMAN. I promised him that I will support him 100% in whatever decision he makes and I won’t stand in his way.

What is really burning inside of me is that I was never given an option for a career. I was told from a young age that I had to move out by the age of 18 so I married the first loser I could find and even paid for my own wedding. I have the good grace not to toss this kind of stuff at her.

So, I dropped my mother off at my sister’s big modern house as I went to my humble adobe full of flowers and contentment. I know the two of them will prattle on about all the things that I’m supposedly failing at and will make an afternoon at it. The answer seems simple. Tell them to shut up. Well, I’ve done that a number of times. I’ve even moved 800k away and now they moved into my neighborhood. I thought this nonsense would end when my oldest son has grown to be such a good young man (proof in the pudding theory) but it hasn’t.

I’m feeling pretty sad right now and having trouble shaking this. They are not always awful. Months go by and they are very nice and then all of a sudden the two pounce. I know from past experience that if I call my mother up and tell her how out of line she was, she will agree with everything, and then imply that I’m just being over emotional, then the two of them will talk some more about me and then walk around with kit gloves acting like poor emotional Angela, which makes me sick because I am not a weak person.

So why do I need my family? Everyone just wants to be accepted and I love them and feel I need family. Sick huh.(my boyfriends family is all deceased)

How can you move on without digging up the past? (I really don't want to go that route) I'm not the one dishing out the critisism. You can't fight with someone who agrees with you and then undermines you. Separation works seems to work for me, but it also hurts me. I'm too nice of a person to see the derogatory remarks come my way so I'm not fast enough to catch them and toss them back right away. I don't bad talk any of my siblings families, but setting an example doesn't work.

Am I being too emotional?

Any suggestions?

Angela

Am I being too emotional?

Absolutely not. My sister does this to me. If I contradict her I 1) Don't remember it correctly because I'm on so many drugs, after all, I'm a drug addict or 2) I am being overly emotional.

I avoid her as much as possible. Yes, I do have to see her at holidays and at the bank (she works there, but I try to go in on her lunch hour), but I keep EVERYTHING on the surface. As in "how's the weather". Nothing personal about my kids, husband and especially ME. I refuse to give her ammunition.

So sorry this is happening to you. And remember, your house is a HOME filled with flowers and love.

Hugs,

Angela,

You are not out of line and you sound like a fantastic mom! I applaud you for getting your life together given your difficult circumstances. Let me say this, your mom and sister aren't about to change. They are who they are and you are who you are.

I know that in some ways you still need your mom - we all do. The relationships with my parents are interesting. My dad hasn't spoken to me in over 6 years (his choice) and my mom doesn't always understand how to be a mom to an adult child. These are complex relationships and even though my mom and I have come to an understanding, I know she's going to cross the line again. I have my own rules for her for my sanity.

I had a ex-FMIL that was a lot like your mother - whatever was in her head was right and she was extremely critical of her children (even though my ex was her youngest and her oldest was 40). None of those kids did anything without her say-so and approval. My ex couldn't understand why I never wanted to see her. She brought on a migraine half the time (this was well before I went chronic just due to the stress). My solution was to avoid her as much as possible - just for my sanity.

I don't have a lot of real suggestions for you other than this is always a safe space to vent. I know that it hurts and I'm sending hugs your way. My only suggestion is to have internal boundaries - there are only certain things that you discuss with her and if she crosses into the spaces you don't want to..."Mom, I will not talk about that with you" or change the subject. And that you call her on unkindness - point it out so she's aware of what she's saying and that it is not acceptable. Others may have other thoughts and suggestions for you as well. Just know that you are not overly emotional or blowing things out of proportion.

Becky

I'm sorry, Angela. You're not being too emotional, and you have every right to be proud of your life and your children, migraines and all.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Becky

Angela,

It would be so easy if you could just "break up" with your mother and sister. Sadly, we can't choose our relatives.

I'm not going to pretend I understand what you're going through because I don't. The only thing I can say is you've always been a thoughtful person here. I can't imagine a mother not being so proud of a daughter like you.

It sounds like your mother and sister are emotionally damaged. They deserve pity and not one ounce of you should second guess yourself over anything they say. Surround yourself with good friends who can substitute for the family you don't have.

Feel free to vent these things here. That is what this forum section is for. You are a sweetheart and I'd be thrilled to have grandchildren like your sons.

£eslie

You are not too emotional. She is hurtful! I have a sister like that who I don't speak to anymore. My mom and I had a conversation about it before Easter. My younger sister doesn't come to any family events becuase if she does, none of the rest of the 4 siblings will come. I told my mom that I just don't have the energy to deal with her. I want my family time to be enjoyable and to have some one there who is disruptive and picks a fight with one of us at EVERY event.... we just can't do it anymore. It is sad that she has alienated her whole family but we are all too old and see each other too little to have a fight.

If she ever gets help and changes her ways she will be welcome, but since we are all wrong and she is right..... that day is a looooong time coming.

All you can do is what is healthy for you. Getting upset about someone picking at your kids is definitely normal. It brings out the mother hen in us. You know they are ok. Ignore them as much as you can.

Hugs
Alli

Angela....I'm sorry, I wrote you a long reply but for some reason my computer froze and I was not able to get back on.

Now I have med-head so it would be useless for me to try now.

I'll just say I'm very sorry you have this relationship. I'm always so sorry when family relationships are hurtful. I'll try to re-write my reply when I have a clearer head.

Hang in there.

Howdy Angela,

You are being a mature, reasonable adult. I am remembering a scene from a Bridgett Fonda movie where she is a bad girl and needs to learn to let go of her anger - so she can be a cold blooded killer for the US Government. Fun movie. Anyway, the character played by Anee Bancroft advises her, when she is about to lose her temper, is contradicted, is royally ticked off to SMILE and say, "I never did let the little things bother me." The Fonda character practices this smile and saying thru gritted teeth - but it becomes mantra to her. I learned from that movie.

For example, with my friends, when they tell me they are doing something that I would dearly like to criticize, I say "How's that working out for you?" At that point they stop and think and realize whatever it is is often NOT working for them. THEY then begin a discussion of alternatives. That mantra works for me.

I love the advice about holding relatives accountable for unkind not comments. But I would "confront" a relative. Instead you may try smiling and saying, "That comment was unkind and I am worth so much that. Shall we change the subject now?" Said with a smile, this mantra will stop anyone in their tracks. It will be tought o say it the first few times ... but developing and practicing mantras will soon become second nature ... easy and effective.

The "smile" is critical. As any Southern lady will tell you, a smile goes a long way in any situation ... no matter how tense. I bet other women have perfected "the smile" but it is my southern relatives who taught me how extremely effective a simple can be.

Other than developing mantras for use in a variety of situations, just keep telling yourself "I am worth it. I am a strong woman and great mother." After all, you ARE - you may as well remind yourself of the truth every now and then. Hang in there.

Thank you everyone. I'm feeling a LOT better after reading the posts.

Your support is really helpful and your words have given me some new thoughts. If I flip the coin around, these two must be attacking because something in their life is not going right and it is comforting them to focus on me instead of them. Maybe my 16 year old nephew is in trouble again so they are looking at me for faults to make themselves feel better or superior. As Leslie said, there is something wrong with them, and as Becky said, they will not change.

That's funny, Richard, about the smile and comment. My good friend with six sisters always smiles and says "I'm not feeling the love". However, I need practice to catch that when someone is being demeaning to be able to to that.

Gathering up all the words from all of your posts I have decided to do the following. Next week when my mother calls me out for tea I will say sure, but we will not talk about my boys. She will naturally say why and I will respond. The first words out of your mouth were that Brandon is happy at your and my sisters house but sad once he crosses my door and that is critisism on my ability to be a good mother and to make my children happy and you were way out of line". If she tries to push it into me being emotional I won't have it and only an apology or absence of this conversation will move us on.

I can forgive and move on, but I won't harbour this kind of abuse any further. I definately can't keep letting this kind of garbage go on. I may not catch demeaning remarks as they happen, and I can't control what they think of me, but I can choose the time and place when I will revisit it and I will deal with it when I am stronger and not lost in emotion.

Thanks again for coming to my aid. I almost didn't post but glad that I did. You all took the sting away.

Angela

Angela,

I have my own "catch phrase" I use when dealing with family. I'll have to PM it to you because...well it's dirty when you know the whole thing.

Any one interested in knowing what it is feel free to PM me.

I can relate. My mother is a narcissit. I don`t have contact with her anymore. That really is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your family. I know were you are coming from by wanting "family." For many years I use to try and deal with them because I wanted a "family." But the real truth is that it`s all of a fasade for them. All they do is screw with your emotions. They are cruel and abusive.

It wasn`t worth dealing with them any more because I realized that it would always be this way. It is very unfortunate that people like this have to be so utterly selfish.

Hi Angela sorry to hear about your recent family troubles, i think we all have at least one family member that can screw us up in knots, for me its my dad, for my dad it was his father, for my mum its her mother, how do they do it, and do it time and time again, it is so frustrating and if i dwelled on it i could get bitter as hell to be honest, i wont bore you with any of my stories as you have enough on your plate, but just to let you you arent alone with all this family crap.

take care x

Mom may have given birth to you but is she giving life to your birth? Just because someone is a "family" member, it does not give them the right to make you feel any less of a person...I think all of us struggle with the fact they we are supposed to love our family simply b/c they are blood related. Well, in my 41 years I've come to realize that the greatest family members I have in my life are friends that I am proud to call my "chosen" family. It sounds like you have formulated a plan for the next meeting with your mom and I wish you peace with it....your first priority is your sons and it indeed seems like you have their backs and have done an awesome job with them! Maybe Mom and Sister are jealous b/c you have pulled yourself up from depression and worked on you instead of sitting around gossiping and complaining?

So many things come across your story, Angela: your warmth, your honesty and your wisdom but most of all your incredible strenth.
You must indeed be very proud of yourself, that despite so many difficulties not only you have survived, but brought up two wonderful boys.

Your mother, and your sister seem to be sriously lacking in many of the above qualities - however, you are quite right to love them and I am sure that they love you to. In their way. BUt it is love all the same.

It is also true that in almost every family, love is mixed with those other not very nice emotions in various degrees - at times we love them, at times we cannot stand them, then we cannot live without them. This is how it is - some people are no easy to love, but they are "ours", they are irreplaceable. So it is worth trying to make it work, until there is not hope, until it does not make sense any more.

I do no think you have reached that stage, have you?

What struck me is how weak both your mother and your sister are.
Your sister was a bully - all bullies have serious self-worth issues and they need to belittle and humiliate others, to make themselves feel good. This is what bullies do - if we let them.They are many forms of bullying of course.

Your Mother's expresses her weakness by being passive aggresive, by sending you all these mixed messages she is trying to confuse and undermine you at the same time - it is not wonder that they both like to gang up against you. They need to do that to feed their egos. Sad state of affairs, but not incurable.

They cannot live without you - they follow you around. Why? They need you.

You also need them and this is fine - you are honest, you love them, you are mature enough to own your feelings. Good for you.

I have a feeling that they know that you are much stronger then they are, and this is why they are drawn to you, this is why they punish you.

They need you and they love you. I think you are wise not to cut yoruself from them. Do not cut yourself from family, it would be a shame if you did.
You have a strong bond.

I regret to say that at the moment it is not very healthy bond, but you can work on that.

You can perhaps get somee help in how to become more assertive with them in your day to day relationships and work at it, but gradually, until they learn that there are certain kinds of behaviour that is not acceptable to you.

IT is a little like dealing with the badly behaved children - they need to learn new rules, you need to create new boundries. But gently.
This is why you might benefit from some assertivess counselling.Can you find any? Perhaps women organisations?
If you cannot afford it, look it up on the net. There is plenty on the assertivenss which you might find useful.

I think your boys also need an extended family - families are important - so, in time you might all benefit as well.

I have a brother who also bullied me since I was little and laughed at me calling me weakling, made fun of me when I was sick (childhood migraines) he never believed me when I said I was feeling terrible etc.
BTW he is really nice person otherwise, and nice to everybody else, people adore him but he was not to me.

This went on, and on until only few years ago we were middleaged by then, when one day I was driving long distance (he was on holiday visiting me for a long break) and he kept being sarcastic and nasty in his usual way, I was tired and fed up and suddenly I just could not take it any more.

I stopped the car, and told him very, very quietly in matter of fact voice, that I am not going to drive or do anything unless he stops this kind behaviour towards me once and for all, that I will nto longer be made fun of and bullied, ever again.

You should see his face! He was so shocked he simply did not know what to say, what to do. In the end he went very quiet and said things likeall right, all right, don't be so silly,but he took it in. He knew I meant it.

And I never allowed him to belittle me again. WE live far apart, and it took him a little while to get use to just behaving well. Sometimes just occasionaly he forgets, tries to call me some childish names, but I stop him immediately and seriously.No argument, just quiet and serious.

WE talked about his behaviour towards me since then few time, and he said that he bullied me because I was "daddy/s girl" and that father ignored him, and he was jealous. And later, beause I did very well at school, and he did not and I was given as example to him by my parents (I did not know any of that! this was quite a news to me).

I adored my borther, so I let him to be horrible to me, but it has seriously affected me, and I wish I stood up to him much earlier.
Sorry, about this stroy, but I just wanted you to know that I understand the damage bullying can cause only too well.

WE have good, honest relationship now. But we work at it. Mainly me.The other day I told him that I miss him very much, and he tried to make joke of it. I told him not to joke, that I really do miss him. I think he was very pleased. I am glad I stood up to him. We definitely have much more healthy realtionship now. But it is not easy it is easy to fall into old patterns.

I think Angela, that realtionships are never quite equal, we need to work at them, but the other party must also do their bit.

I think you might have difficulties in having honest relationship with your mother - as she seems to be in state of denial (passive aggressive behaviour) about how she feels about you. So, this is up to you mainly, and this is why you need help to get the right balance with her in terms of assertiventss, fine tuning might be required.

I know you can do it. And with your sister. I am sure you can. It will mean hard work but if you decide you will do it. If I can help let me know.
Does this make any sense to you?
Senna

Sorry I do not know if there is spellcheck here? Or how to do it.

senna, Why shouldn`t she cut herself off from a toxic family... she can`t change them and from dealing with people like this myself, they only get worse with age not better. If she chooses to stay in contact, then that would be her choice but I don`t think someone should tell her (like yourself)that she should stay in contact with people who are toxic. That`s just messed up.

It is entirely Angela's choice what she does with any of the suggestions made here.
I do not tell her to do anything - I am just suggesting that there are other options for her to choose from.

Your choice might have been right for you, but it might not be right for everybody.

It is easy to split a family, it is not so easy to mend them, so people choose easier options then regret it later.

I am very gald I worked out the relationship with my brother and we are close now and good friends - I would miss all that if I took easy option and cut myself off. I am glad I did not.

Angela might choose to cut herself of from her family, but it is her choice what she does, I do not tell her to do anything. She asked for suggestions, this was my take on things she is free to reject mine and any other suggestions.
Senna

I'm not sure if Senna is the best person to be giving advice on bullying seeing as she is a bully herself.

Angela,

Family is precious, but not precious enough to allow them to treat you badly. Being in your family does not allow them special rights to treat you with disrespect.

Equate your mom and sister to the setting sun. Each night, as you sit down to watch the evening news, the sun starts to set and shines in through your living room window. It does it uninvited. You hate it when this happens, as it shines on the TV and screws up the picture so you can’t see that adorable newscaster. It also gets the temperature in the living room to a boiling hot temp, which you hate.

What can you do? The sun is going to set the way it sets right? You can yell at it, scream at it, spend a whole lot of emotional energy on it, beg it to change where it sets, but it is still going to set where it sets.

Hmmmm, but what can you do then? It’s wrecking your news nightly? Well, you can put up blinds or you could move the TV to the other side of the room. There are several physical things you could do to move the TV or keep the sun from entering, but outside your house, the sun will still be setting where it sets.

You can even sell your home and move to a whole other place just to have the living room face another direction if you want. The sun, well, it’s going to continue setting where it sets.

Your mom and sister are the same. You can’t change them, you can only change your reaction to them.

I think your plan for your mom is a great idea. No one can put you down unless you let them. Stick to it girl! You are strong and you are worth more then how they are treating you.

Ultimately, only you can decide if you want to stay out of the sun completely, or keep it around. Being in the sun has it’s benefits, but too much sun is a bad thing too. Only you can determine how much you need.

So much wisedom in this forum.

momof2, your first line is really interesting. ""Mom may have given birth to you but is she giving life to your birth? "" I had to think about that for a while but it certainly is reflective.

Senna, thank you for taking the time and sharing your story. You really touched a nerve a few times there and I do have to set boundaries. I have to be a willing participant in being bullied and I have a lifetime of training that I must break if only for my own sake.

Kate. It would be so easy to walk away from family and I have in the past, but I keep coming back if by my own choice, or by life tossing me back by circumstance. They are not completely bad people and I do want to try to fix this. It is lonley out there without family and to turn my back on my mother and sister means I lose touch with my beloved father, brother in law and nephew. But you are right. Separation has to be made at some level.

Milo, you have such a wonderful way of words and colourfully paint such a great view of seeing things that makes it very clear. I so get it. Thanks for the smile!!

To those who I haven't personally adressed, your words have resonated and encouraged me. Thank you for helping me in this.

Angela

So why do I need my family? Everyone just wants to be accepted and I love them and feel I need family. Sick huh.

No. What you just said makes perfect sense, perfect - the only- explanation.

Our immediate family - parents, siblings - is the only people whose opinion truly matters,
We crave their approval, their acceptance. If we don't have that, we don't feel fulfilled and/or happy.
No surrogates - closest friends, husband, own children will be able to give us that fulfillment EVER for them..

As simple as that.

This is why you will always be drawn to them, and they on their part will have an easy prey in you.
Also as simple and sad as that.

The question is - do we REALLY need them? or do we really need only this approval, this acceptance that reasonably we know we never will get yet we never stop hoping for?
and that's why we continue to hang in there, exposing ourselves to this needless abuse?


People pay thousands of dollars for the top notch shrinks
to build their self- esteem to the point that they can be strong enough not to be bothered by remarks made by such as your mom.
While you undoubtedly came a long way, Angela, you obviously still have unresolved issues that cause a deep emotional response at what your mom or sister does/ says.


I doubt that without professional help you will be able to overcome that nasty disposition of your mother and sister, but I also worry given our horrid current state of psychiatric care in BC that you will have, if you choose so, a hard time finding someone good at therapy. If you have Blue Cross or other private insurance, I would look into trained, diploma-ed psychotherapists. I wish I could have a therapy. I believe skilled therapist can do a mountain of good for self esteem. That's' why I recommend it to you.

Don't doubt yourself, girl. As you say, what you've achieved speak for itself. You overcame such a terrible obstacle, plus you turned out two perfect, healthy youngsters.
If anything, you deserve a hearty pat on the back

And, girl, looks like neither your mother nor sister spare your feelings any.
so why do you think you should spare theirs? why do you think you should not start telling your mom the TRUTH about herself?
Tell her as it is- as you see it.

She certainly doesn't have any problems spewing her garbage at you.
maybe if you slap her hearty with some eye opening facts about her own parenting and such,
she will shut her trap and learn to respect you.

Risa

Something that helped me to accept my family members is to realize this.

Just because people don't love us the way we want to be loved does not mean they love us any less than they possibly can.

That road runs both ways.

You love them the best you can and that may mean from afar for you.

Good luck.

Milo, I find your comment is extremely offensive - it is you, who is trying to disturb someone elose's thread here by such baseless attacks. It is you who is a bully.
I do not know where you get your animosity from, but you are disturbing everyone here. Stop this, please.

I am sorry Angela, I did not think that there is anything in what I said, that justifies such aggression. IT is all inexcusable.
Senna

Angela,
I am the only sibling of a sad, depressed, paranoid couple who decided to have a kid 42 years ago.
They wanted a boy but a girl came out. That was my first fault in life.

My parents have lived - and still live - their life in a private sick circle made of unjustified suspicion towards anyone (friends, family, neighborhood), of paranoic thoughts about anything (health, law, money, job...) and of extreme need to feel sad, frustrated, depressed, victims.

I have never well understood my place in that family. They considered me part of the family when they needed me, but I had - and still have - no right to know certain things or share some situations.

I have soon needed to break their sick rules. I am not a depressed person. I am not paranoid. I love life. I enjoy life.

When my parents realized that I was not following their rules, they started to attack me.

The day I graduated with good results my father told me that I had been lucky but that would not take me anywhere.

The day I got my first job, they had the suspect that I was going to be exploited by some sort of prostitution manager.

When I decided to go to live on my own, they threathened me with any means. They did not talk to me for 6 months and went to the bank to change their accounts - I did not even had access to their accounts, I did not even know WHERE they had bank accounts!!!!!

Any boyfriend that I brought home was interviewed by my mother in a Gestapo style. My father, instead, ignored them in a rude way; he used to slam the door and quit. I let you imagine what those boys must have thought and I let you imagine how many of them ran away in fear....

I could not have girlfriends. They saw in any friend a threathen, a bad person who just wanted to cheat me and hurt my feelings. I let you imagine how bad that affected my self-esteem....

It took me many, many years of isolation from them to recover a minimal (very minimal) relation.
I've never lost contacts with them, but anything was reduced to a phone call of 30 seconds or a very quick visit where I showed sad and depressed even if I were happy.

I did that for 5 years. I needed to isolate them from my personal things because any good thing that I would have shared with them, it would have been criticized and turned into something dangerous/negative.

When I met my husband, they went mad. They realized that my wonderful boyfriend was the right one and that I was not going to give up this time. They tried ANY means to make me see the worst things in my boyfriend. They invented things about him. They could not accept that I could be happy because they CANNOT be happy.

At that point, a strange thing happened. My mother had a stroke (nothing serious, but a stroke) and was also diagnosed with Alzheimer.

Her personality TOTALLY changed. After 1 month of total confusion (she called "chair" a fork and referred to a GREEN shirt that actually was blue) she came back "normal" and now she is very supportive and comprehensive in her limited way. She's the mom I've always wanted!

My father, on the other hand, has worsened.
The day I told him that I was going to get married, he replied that I was making a mistake, but he could give me no explation why as my husband-to-be was so cute, in love, available, correct with me that he had NO stories or episodes to tell!
The day of my wedding, my father NEVER smiles in pictures. He's always sad and frustrated.....
The photographer asked him to smile in a couple of occasions, but he replied he had nothing to smile about.....

My wedding life is gorgeous, but my father is sure that it's a failure and that I'm unhappy.
I let him think what he wants.....if he needs to see me unhappy, it's his problem.
I'm happy with my dear hubby and the rest of the world can go to h***

I don't know if it's right to breakup or re-build a relation.
In my case, re-building is impossible because my parents are very ignorant people, too. So it's very hard to discuss at a certain level. They end up by shouting, crying, accusing, withdrawing by pointing the finger towards a nasty daughter who slaughters poor old parents.

In my case, the best thing that I did was to ask professional help to learn to set the threashold with my parents. Now I have a polite relation based on silly topics (weather, TV shows...) and that's all.
If they need me I am there, but they no longer enter my private life.

I hope that you can overcome your tensions. I know how difficult it is and how long it takes, but you can make it!

Lovely Hugs

Risa. You are so right. I don’t NEED them at all. It is definitely the other way around and so I pull away when wounded, but once tragedy strikes (like my father battling cancer) I step in and do the right thing. They don’t change, but neither do I, except with a lot of effort. I’m a big advocate on councelling as I went for help after the abusive marriage. I was messed up and didn’t want to repeat the pattern in future relationships and with my children.

I do need to buck-up and dish back though as you suggested. It certainly won’t do any harm. The good girl in me needed to hear permission to do this from my peers.

Survivor, “”Just because people don't love us the way we want to be loved does not mean they love us any less than they possibly can.”” So well said. I believe this too. Everyone is a mess in their own way and capable of different degrees.

Ivy, What a sad story for you and thank you for sharing that. You have overcome so much and come out so beautiful, inspite of your upbringing. I am inspired by your strength and resolve.

Deep hugs to you all.

Angela

you've been given quite alot of advice and suggestions but the only person who can find peace with all of this, is you....you need to be able to put your head down to sleep everynight with no regrets on how you approach things....
when i stated "Mom may have given you life but is she giving life to your birth" I was coming from the perspective that being a mom is much more then just giving birth. I equate it to someone who has adopted a child...they didn't physically give birth but they are willing to give the things needed to give that child a life. It's about respecting your child, listening to your child and believing in your child.
i too have a dysfunctional relationship with my mom after the death of my father 25 years ago when i was only 15....she can never be what i need her to be but in having 2 of my own daughters, I've chosen to be what they need and not continue this pattern. it hurts to not have your own mother be excited over great things happening in your life or to accept the decisions you've made as a married woman but she's made me aware of what NOT to do and for those small favors, I guess I can be grateful.