Even Richard Needs A Good Vent Now And Then

This month and last month are not going well. I just got off the phone to cancel a visit with a dear friend who was coming up to Ravenhurst. Why cancel? Even with pain medications and my migraine reducing med, I was only able to "walk" my dogs 50 feet before I had to turn around. I then tried to clean my room - got halfway with dusting and had to give up. I can't speak clearly, I can't walk, I can't drive, I can't watch TV or listen to music ... some days even I, the great advice giver, find that migraine disease simply sucks ... and sucks big time!

I am tired of being sick ALL the time. I want to drive again. I hate having to depend on my roommate to take me anywhere - I seldom ask. I missed an important meeting last night - too ill. I canceled another friend's visit yesterday, too ill.

Visual disturbances are now such that my beloved reading in my QDR (quiet, dark room) is getting more and more difficult, if not impossible. Sleep gives me respite - I am having marvelous dreams - but I am coming to HATE being in my bed - I spend way too many hours there.

Romance? Not a chance. Friends? Can't call, can't visit. Entertainment? I am able to cut up shirts, sometimes, for a quilt - but that process makes me cry for Steve and brings on more episodes. I can't even speak with my Mom who needs me badly right now - only I understand her grief for my Dad - being in teh midst of grieving the loss of a spouse myself.

I see my neurologist and pain manager on Monday. I have little ... make the "no" ... hope of relief. This year marks a decade of his treating me.

Migraine sucks and sucks big time. Today it is difficult to accept my life for what it is. but I shall, I shall.

There ... I feel better for getting all this out.

Glad you feel better.

I know it sucks and I'm not as bad as you - I still can function most days (looking at the positive, I've had bad days for the last 6 days in a row and hope it resolves today - darn weather).

I get tired of fighting, and while the pain has changed (not sure if it's better or if I'm better at tolerating it) it's moved into my face and teeth. Both my dogs are on the couch with me - I know things are bad and I'm just tolerating it more as my big girl will normally sleep on my bed during the day rather than next to me on the couch.

I hate this...is one day with no pain or symptoms too much to ask?

It sucks, it sucks big time. I am 35 years into this mess and I have missed way too much of life. I can still work at least for awhile longer. It is getting harder. I work, I read, I sleep, that is my life. Whoopee.

But I still find ways to laugh and even if I live life from my bedroom with the occasional foray out into the world, it is better than the alternative.

I hope that you are just having the Spring migraine series, as I get every freakin year, and that when the weather stabilizes things will get better.

Hugs
Alli

Awww, I'm sorry Richard. It's bad when our quicker picker upper is down. Now we just need Lovegia to vent and we'll all be in the toilet.

I hope you get some relief soon.

Sending hugs your way.

Ya, they really suck... I`m having a hard time shaking mine. It`s lasted for a long time now.

lmao. No I got a job today, sorry guys..I'm not sad.

Although, it is always a sad day to hear Richard in a bad mood. I certainly hope you feel better buddy. I'll be thinkin' of you, keep your head up and as you always say..

HANG IN THERE!!

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time at the moment Richard, but you're right it definitely sucks. Whenever I'm feeling a bit positive, it comes and grabs me by the throat again . I'm trying to make the best of the good days at the moment but they are few and far between. It's nearly 7 in the evening here and I haven't long been up - what a waste of another day. I'm too am feeling very frustrated. I think 40 years is enough!

Let's hope better days are round the corner for all of us

Liz

Hugs and lots of good vibes out to you right now Richard. I don't think I have it nearly as bad as you do, so my heart really goes out to you! As your moniker (and that wonderful 70's poster with the hanging kitty says...) Hang in there (Baby)!

I happen to be having a few decent days in a row. Wow, is it a miracle? Is it the Topamax? I'm not sure. But I do know that the M monster can at any time drag me back into the hole of despair, where I've been for the majority of my life for the past 5-6 years when the migraines became chronic and almost daily.

On most days, I am lucky to be able to still work - but sometimes that is barely all I can do. If work doesn't trigger a migraine, I am recovering from one and am exhausted and come home and crash.

On weekend days and days I work part-time, I can do some housework and I do find that I push myself and make things worse because I desperately want life to be what it once was. We are grieving for a loss, aren't we?

So, we are all in this together my friend. Peace and tranquility and one day at a time.....

Namaste.
Jane

All I can send you is compassion and well wishes. Wish I could do more.

These days will pass. I pray the best days will begin tomorrow.

Angela

Richard, hang in there friend. We are all here behind you. I feel for you.

Please take great comfort in knowing that you give so much to so many of us by being here for us and providing us with you support and advice.

Venting is so important, both for you and for others to know that even you can tell sunshine where to "shove it" from time to time.

Here's to hoping tomorrow is a better day. (I could use it myself). <3

milo wrote:
Venting is so important, both for you and for others to know that even you can tell sunshine where to "shove it" from time to time.

This just made me laugh....thank you.

{{{{{{Richard}}}}}}

I wish I knew something to say or do that could help. I do understand and will be thinking of you.

Teri

Richard,
I am a friend of Jewish mother's. She has often let me read this page and as a result, I have grown to appreciate your positive outlook on life.... no matter how harsh or unfair it can be. You are a motivation to many people- and I admire and respect your drive to get up every morning. Jewish mother and I both know how hard it can be to do that. I have gone through bilateral breast cancer, bilateral mastectomies, 12 rounds of chemo, congestive heart failure, and several bouts of depression. Life is harsh, often unforgiving, and full of insurmountable challenges. You are a wonderful example of a positive force in this crazy universe. I applaud your strength and encourage you to stay strong.

Richard,

I'm so sorry, but you have my compassion and very complete understanding. No other words describe it better than to say "IT SUCKS!".

Please hang in there. I very much appreciate your advice and sharing--they have helped me more than you'll ever know.

Becky

Richard,

I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. I wish I could offer you the words of wisdom you have so often given me.

I love to read as well and despise the fact that sometimes this horrible disease takes even that comfort away from us. The past few months have been bad for me too. I know what it like to have to depend on others to drive or do things or to cancel things you would love to do. All I can say is hang in there. I am sure that your good friends understand, love you just the same, and want you to recover. I wish I knew what to say to you, other than this.

I hope your dr can find something that might, for a while anyway, lessen your great pain. I am twelve years into this journey myself and have just had to get off almost everything because it was no longer working. I can hope you will find something. I hope things improve soon.

Please know that i am thinking of yhou and wish you well.

Pain free days,
sailingm

Yall are way too good to me. I do not deserve the support I find here. All I can say in retrurn is a heartfelt "thank you."

Dawn today at Ravenhurst, I was outside with my dogs. I was able towalk only 25 feet today, so I stopped and let my guys run around a bit. This morning there was a bird singing in a tree. I could not see this tiny fellow, but his song filled the morning. I thought to myself:

Here is a bird that has to constantly look about for owls by night and hawks by day who want to eat him. A bird who will live only a matter of months. A bird who has to hunt and hunt hard for food, who will have a brace of eggs of which only some will hatch. A bird who faces constant danger and constant toil - yet still sings in joy at dawn.

Here is rape-seed in full bloom. Bright yellow stars carpeting Ravenhurst. Yet the rape-seed with be dead in weeks, its seeds lying on the ground. Most will perish - but enough will survive for next spring. And given this struggle for life, still this frail plant bursts into yellow glory to create a starry sky of yellow on green for acres and acres.

I decided to be that bird and that plant. I am unable to sing or bloom ... but I AM able to love and appreciate this day for what it is. I can type, I can hear, I can reach out and I can be touched. So what if my life is a struggle? Still will I sing at dawn.

So enough venting for me. Yeah, I am on day 8 of being unable to drive, to speak clearly on the phone, to live with pain. So what?

Still will I sing.

You're such an inspiration Richard. Please do keep singing.

You underlined the importance and healing power of nature. Before triptans, I lived in the woods for awhile. I would put on my sunglasses and go sit by the creek. Listening to the water and the birds didn't make the pain go away but it was very soothing. It helped me relax and feel better psychologically if not physically.

I know you love San Francisco, but in a lot of ways I think you're better off in the country, at Ravenhurst.

Gentle hugs,

Chris

Spring is my worst time, Spring is my worst time, this is what i keep repeating to myself as i have now had bad head for 18 days, not a number 10 but a shitty head none the less, but it is this time of year that gets to most of us, so hang on in there, this beautiful but horrible spring weather will pass soon, we need you on here, you are like my forum dad!!

Hi, Richard. I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly again. I hope your Dr. can suggest something helpful. The pollen here is making everyone miserable. I dont usually have outdoor allergies, but my daughter and I both are miserable with headaches.

Even my hubby, who never gets a headache has one! I too get out in nature to make myself feel better, but right now it might be doing more harm than good. I hope you dont have as many allergy inducing plants there. Oh, and you do deserve all the comfort you get here. You give so much to the rest of us.
Hugs,
Cindy

Richard~

You truly are an inspiration! Yes to nature! That is what keeps me going when things get really rough (that and my kitties and husband). The birds here in Western Mass have been unbelievable this Spring and the Osprey have just come back to the lake I live on. It's all so reassuring.

So, I hope you can continue to find peace and solace in what sounds like a wonderful place of beauty. We are spirits and nature keeps us connected to what's important in this universe.

Blessings,
Jane

Oh Richard, I'm so sorry you're down in the dumps. It's good that you allow yourself to express these feelings. Getting them out probably makes you feel better physically. Keeping them bottled in does you no good.

I'm glad to see your recent post that was more positive. I do wish you all the best.

Rachel

Sorry Richard. I hope you find some relief and comfort soon. My heart and prayers go out to you.

Jo

I commiserate, friend. I am in the dumpster right beside you, Richard. Big allergies this year hit me, like never before. I am cleaning my nose in my sleep now!


Hopefully you will get out of the funk asap. And I, too.

About your Mom. I was wondering if there is any possibility that she could come to live with you for a little while?

Risa

Howdy Risa,

Steve and I retired to California for many reasons - chief among them was the laws of California and the general acceptance fo gay folks. Of course Steve moved us otthe most conservative part of the state ... but we stillhave the protection of the laws even here.

My Mom's home is now in Delaware. Her family, my one uncle and many cousins, are in Virginia ... just 4 hours away. Sheis misplaced Virginian at heart. It is obvious to me that whe will live and die onthe East Coast ... probably in Delaware. And the laws and attitudes of Delaware (and South) are such that I cannot live there any longer.

We are close ... but I have been unable to fly since my Dad died. I was not able to attend the family's memorial service becaue of migraine. My Mom and I really want a visit ... but Ij ust have not been able to fly alone. If I had an episode, I owuld be hospitalized in some layover city at worst; at best I would not be allowed to board. And there are no direct flughts between us. So the phone has to suffice.

I was the obvious brother to go live with Mom and Dad when that time came ... except for these darn migraines. I cannot help others when I cannot help myself ... which is way too often for my family's comfort. So my brother and SIL moved to Delaware from Alaska.

In my family, it is not a question of my Mom living with me or my living with her ... in their minds, it is a question of when will I have to move in with my brothers (they have agreed to take turns) so someone can take care of me. I just could not stand that. I am real greatful for my wonderful roommate. He saved the day!

You are correct ... my Mom and I could live together easily and have fun. But California is not Delaware ... and the hurting cannot aid the hurting. Pity. Makes me cry now that I think on it. but it is what it is and all for the best.
.

It might sound silly, but when I'm really missing my Mom I take a lawn chair back into the woods and "call" her. She's been dead 15 years. But, I take a old cell phone that no longer works and talk out loud to her. Speaking out loud to her is much more cathartic then speaking in my head. And for some reason the cell phone prop helps.

There is a serenity in woods, whether winter, spring, summer or fall, or eases my grief.