Seizure meds and edginess and unsupportive spouse

Ok so day 3 of Zonegran and already I am in tears bc my husband has been so harsh the last two days... Most recently a few mins ago. He is snapping on me saying I'm "bitchy" on these new meds - which I AM way edgy, admittedly, but I am noticing it up front, asking for some understanding and there is none. It is very hard to take. This happened on Topomax but it got to the point where we almost got divorced. I can recognize that I am edgy due to the med... My fault. BUT, if I could get some patience whole I learn to tolerate it rather than harsh hurtful criticisms, it would make things easier.

Or do I just dump the meds now and say F it it's not worth it??

I get so let down by his selfishness and zero understanding. It's day 2 for gods sake. AND I very calmly nicely TWICE said, not when he was pointing things out either... " I am feeling a little off from the new med... If I seem edgy could you please work with me and be patient, it should get better once I begin to tolerate it better"

ugghhh. Why can people you love cut sooo deep with their words and judgements???

Its like that old song "You always hurt the one you Love".
If we don't care about people they cant hurt us.
But I am guessing we all have experienced something like this because of illness.
My husband and I are now more tolerant of each others problems...well mainly mine.
He is pretty healthy. I have had him 39 years, I guess we have an understanding by now.
I think it has come with age. Although I have to say he has always been fairly supportive.

The time he really hurt me was when I got pregnant with our third child.
He was impossible. Didn't speak to me beyond goodnight.
Just sulked...he hadn't planned on a third child....
He even asked me if I wouldn't like a termination!!!

Eventually his father summoned him and sorted him out.
From that moment he was fine.
But it went deep and even though I know he now feel awful, It made me a bit less sure of him.
Time has healed it, but I will never forget. I cant ever forget that he can behave that way.
Although, he hasnt, not like that in almost 30 years.

Perhaps this has made him more tolerant of all the crap from my illnesses.
I don't know, but I do know how much it hurts. The one person who should be there for you and they are not.

I find men to be more fundamentally selfish than women...I dont believe they can help it and I don't say that critically.
(Dont round on me guys please! Its an observation not a criticism)
I think it is part of the providing thing, and they are much more single minded on the whole.
I studied psychology I consider this something both sexes should just acknowledge. We have different pros and cons in our nature.

I am not going to take any more preventatives because of this kind of thing. I have low life quality because i have ore than one problem. I get all the side effects and thus far no benefits at all. AND one in particular made me a monster who couldnt stop crying, alternating with yelling and criticising.... No more if I can get by. But anyway that doesn't help you.

Hopefully he will try to understand that if you can get through this with his help and support, things might be better in the long run. Do you have anyone who could talk to him and try to make him see how unreasonable his is being. It is the meds not you.

He has to try to learn to live with this problem and it must be very hard. But it is still us that has to bear the pain, and for myself also the guilt of screwing everything up. I dont think I could live with my husband if he was impatient and critical of me.
I hope yours softens, and tries to understand.

Take care,
P

It hurts when our partners in life don't support the very treatment that will make life more tolerable. The cold hard truth is successful treatment can't come without support of the loved one and a relationship will most likely suffer without successful treatment. Our loved ones have to learn to take the good with the bad and bare with us during certain times that we suffer from the migraines themselves or even the side affects of the treatments. I can understand some discern over side affects that stay around over time, but the loved one has to be patient in the beginning and allow time for things to "settle down." I think sometimes loved ones have dreams of grandeur that we will come home with a magic potion that will cure us of our migraine. They are so happy for us that we are experiencing relief and love to see us free of pain. However they are not willing to deal with any changes they incur with their partner that comes along with that magic potion, no matter how little or timely they may be. All of us that have understanding spouses should thank them. I suggest showing him the results and helping him to realize the relief you feel, should the medication work. If he sees you free of pain, ask him to offer some patience for a short time based on what he sees.

Pen and Olee-

Thank You for your responses. All of your words were great, and I appreciate the advice. I had sworn off Topomax- or any of the like for- this very reason, but I have been at desperation point lately, almost unable to continue working and missing out on so much. I want a life back and I believe that when so many docs suggest something, there has to be at least a SHOT that it could help. I want to try this......and let myself get to the point where the s/e settle down after awhile. I usually get intolerant of them and throw in the towel. I want to give this one a fair shot.

About 5 mins after writing this I had a good talk with the hub. He was apologetic and sympathetic. I took responsibility for me not being myself and that being "unfair: to him, but explained to him all that I vented here. We agreed to have a gentle way of communicting if I am "edgy" or "not myslef" SO that he can avoid being harsh and I can try to be aware and compensate if possible. Then I put on a big pot of homemade chilli (his fave) while he was out running and errand and when he came home we had a good "hug it out" session.

Thanks for being here to vent to. Oh the trials and tribulations of just searching for wellness

Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday.

Peace!! Jess

P.S.---- Pen, your wording often makes me smile, as it reminds me of my favorite books ever...The Phillipa Greggory novels of the Tudor era....The Other Boleyn Girl....The Boleyn Inheritance.....The Virgin's Lover....The Other Queen, etc. etc. Have you read them?

P.S.---- Pen, your wording often makes me smile, as it reminds me of my favorite books ever...The Phillipa Greggory novels of the Tudor era....The Other Boleyn Girl....The Boleyn Inheritance.....The Virgin's Lover....The Other Queen, etc. etc. Have you read them?

Jess, I hope by now all is calm and well between you. As they say "It's good to talk". (helps to be listened to though)
It's 1.30am here and although sleep is alluding me I must try to get some.
Oh and the books, no, although I am familiar with them, I haven't read any of them.
I am glad to make you smile, but am curious as to why.

Night.
P

Jess,

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. It seems like I get very irritable the first 4-5 weeks of ANY new preventative, and I've tried so many that it's embarrassing to admit it. Hang in there, as you said, once your body adjusts to the new meds things will calm down a little.

Thinking of you and hope you're able to sleep soon. That's one of the most difficult aspects of migraine. I take several things to help with sleep and still have many nights where I wake and cannot go back to sleep, and you know you'll end up with increased migraine pain if you don't get the sleep. Just a vicious circle.

Take care,

Becky

Jess,

My thought is to give things a bit of time...you have to adjust to all the meds and it can be very hard. I know you probably aren't yourself and depending on the med...well they cause some weird things that makes us more sensitive to things too. I know my bf snapped at me last week over something (in hindsight it really wasn't directed at me, but the situation) and because of my state I took it more personally than I should have.

Glad you and the hubbs came to an agreement. It just is hard when both of you are having a bad day and get cranky.

As for the sleep thing...I've noticed that too lately. I don't fall asleep as quickly and if I get awoken for some reason (ie dogs barking) I have a dickens of a time trying to get back to sleep. Thought it was just me, but maybe not... Another thing and perhaps this is obvious, but as I get more tired, my M gets worse. Just realized this and have no idea why...

Hope you are doing better.

Becky

pen wrote:

P.S.---- Pen, your wording often makes me smile, as it reminds me of my favorite books ever...The Phillipa Greggory novels of the Tudor era....The Other Boleyn Girl....The Boleyn Inheritance.....The Virgin's Lover....The Other Queen, etc. etc. Have you read them?

Jess, I hope by now all is calm and well between you. As they say "It's good to talk". (helps to be listened to though)
It's 1.30am here and although sleep is alluding me I must try to get some.
Oh and the books, no, although I am familiar with them, I haven't read any of them.
I am glad to make you smile, but am curious as to why.

Night.
P

Just your way of speaking.....some of the expressions remond me of the book....i.e., "My father summoned for him and set him straight"

There have been others but I am mush brain right now. It's a good thing. It's like I'm reading the writings of English royalty of in a palace somehwere. The books are amazing, btw. Highly recommend them! Start with The Other Boelyn Girl.

Becky Squared

Thanks for the kind words. I do think I am gonna stay the course and just work harder and not be as sensitive (or TRY not to be).

His quick ability to take responsibility and agree to work with me was a great sign. He said in no way did he want me to think of quitting bc we wern't communicating well. I hopefully learned from the bad experiences of past and will be able to stop things b4 they get out of control.

Marriage is tough enough right? Then juggle pain and med changes....Oy Vey!

Hi Jess,

Sorry to see you're having trouble adjusting to the med. But, I think you should keep on it for awhile to give it the old college try.

Hubs and I have had two long discussions in the last two days about an issue that was coming between us. It feels so good to have it out in the open with no yelling, screaming, or fighting (but yes, there were tears). But, TOGETHER we have came up with a game plan to work on the problem.

I'm glad your hubby saw the light and is willing to work with you on it. A compassionate and understanding support system makes this miserable road so much easier to travel.

Hugs, Charlotte

Hi Jess-

I'm glad to hear that things with the hubby are going better. I know that sometimes Crystal can get snappy and it is so hard somethimes (from the other person's shoes) to remember the pain that is felt on the other end.

When you love someone and feel helpless against their pain it gets frusterating. When you get frusterated and they are the closest to you they are the person taht you lash at. It's not right, and it's not intended.

I feel so much for everyone in pain. I know that it's hard, but please try to remember that the supporters are in a different kind of pain and misery.

I am so glad that all is well. I hope tat the side effects wear down soon for you and that the new medication helps!

Hugs!

I feel like I've been doing this migraine thing for so long; 20 plus years of trying preventative meds. And my migraines have gone from episodic, to tranasformed to CDH. My husband went through a time of getting upset when I would just crash from a migraine and he would come home and have to take care of everythiing. So now I make sure that no matter what I get my chores done-the dogs are fed, the litter boxes emptied, dishes are in the dishwasher, and then I crash.

I also agree that changing meds can wreak havoc on us. My husband is pretty tolerant of this. He knows that different meds have different effects and sometimes it takes awhile for me to adjust to a new one.

Often he will ask how I am to gauge where my head is pain wise. I appreciate this alot. It shows that he cares. I couldn't ask for a more supportive or understanding person. I don't know how he does it. Patience is not my strong point. He has enough of it for both of us.

I couldn't stand myself on Topamax, so I could hardly expect anyone else to, so I went off of it. I did it for me though, not for the ones around me. I don't have anyone understanding around me but thank God I can abort or prevent most migraines so they don't become an issue. IF I got daily migraines or couldn't abort most of the time the ones I get 3 times a week, I would have to have some support or at least get rid of "nonsupport". Nobody would be better than a nonsupporter "for me".

Brain Pain Mom wrote:Hi Jess-

I'm glad to hear that things with the hubby are going better. I know that sometimes Crystal can get snappy and it is so hard somethimes (from the other person's shoes) to remember the pain that is felt on the other end.

When you love someone and feel helpless against their pain it gets frusterating. When you get frusterated and they are the closest to you they are the person taht you lash at. It's not right, and it's not intended.

I feel so much for everyone in pain. I know that it's hard, but please try to remember that the supporters are in a different kind of pain and misery.

I am so glad that all is well. I hope tat the side effects wear down soon for you and that the new medication helps!

Hugs!

What a valuable perspective you bring to us all. Thank you so so much! Your post really touched me and made me go give my hubby a "just because"hug. YOu ROCK!! For all kinds of reasons

Estre-I too went off Topomax before b/c of how I was. TWICE!!! My new Doc said this Zonegran is less harsh. I'm tryin it out, but am being very careful.

Jesell- In our defense we have only been dealing with the Migraine/medicated Jessica for 2 yrs. Hopefully we'll get the hang of it. What doesn't kill us should make us stronger right?

Thanks for your feedback girls

J,
I'm sorry for the tough discussions, but sometime they are necessary.
I don't trust those couples who are always silent and calm. They don't really love each other.
When two people are really in love and they have to face a serious problem like a disease, it's normal that all types of feelings and reactions come out. The conflict and the need to vent are necessary to re-build the relation. So if you care about the other, you need tough confrontation and harsh moments.
People who are too detached are not capable of confrontation and this is dangerous because the relation will never grow and because problems stand by, they are never solved and they become real threatens.

Take care, everything will calm down because I have the impressione that despite the harsh words and the arguments both you and your husband care about each other and are ready to make the necessary steps to keep your marriage together

Bye