dizzyflower back after a long time

hello everybody. Thank you for defending my other post I am not sure what the point was that was trying to be made either. If it was from a genuine new member it would be a good idea to introduce yourself on a new thread so that we can be of help.

I haven't been on the site for a while because quite frankly the whole ESA appealing process left me horribly depressed to the point that I shook when the post arrived on the mat.

A judge has reinstated my claim however. It has been suggested that I complain that the initial health assessment was so catastrophically wrong in some official way, however I have decided I haven't the strength to fight that as well considering it will be six month at the most before I am going back through the same process again. The problem seems to be that there isn't any space on the form for neurological symptoms and their effect to be properly considered. There are really large migraine organisations trying to do something about it I believe, but in the meantime it is a nightmare to negotiate through the mess.

It only really started to get easier when I not only provided copies of my migraine diary, but I had an explanation of what it meant with a colour chart showing migraine activity throughout the day. They saw pictures, colour coded time sheets and a diary account of attendance at the assessment, letters from doctors and neurologists and from friends explaining how I'm never there.

Since going through the process I feel less entitled to be around. I have had to explain the degree to which it effects me in a way that I don't think we really want to have to admit to ourselves. I am no longer open with strangers if they ask "what do you do?". There is a sense now socially of indignation if you admit to being a migraine sufferer round here that seems to be since the politicians used it as an example in a speech about how people on benefits are scroungers. So if I go out I tend to put up with whatever it is that is making it worse rather than have to admit why I need something changing, or a lamp switching off. I haven't been near the hairdressers for fear of the difficult conversation happening that I had a while back that ended up with the hairdresser obviously annoyed with me for breathing. She proceeded to lecture me on how lucky I was to be on benefits.

I went for my first injections into the back of my head less worried about signing the operation consent form than I was scared about the level of investigation from work capability assessment. I even applied for jobs not knowing how the hell I would even safely get to interview let alone do the job, under the impression that all my benefits would be cut. Letters are still generated threatening this even though I am assured that it is now the computer that has got it wrong, but it is also a computer somewhere that generates bacs payments for DWP so I can't even trust that It will pay out. During the appeal process I had to just not buy some of my medications and had to haggle outside the hospital with taxi drivers after my first injections that sent me really weird because the fayre they wanted to get me home was more than half what I had to live on for the week.

So. Sorry I haven't been around.

Di

I am so sorry DF that you were so traumatised by the process of trying to claim the disability for your M.
I can understand how can it happen when some so called professionals will set to discredit and ruin something that we are by law entitled too.

They ruthlessly play with our feelings trying to undermine us each step of the way, until they get us into a terrible state so they can take advantage and deny us our due. They do it quite deliberately, when we are at our most vulnerable, they do it to thousands of other people quite cynically day after day, they get paid for sending us away with nothing.

They are very good at it, they are trained to do it, so we don't stand a chance, unless we wise up and persevere and carry on regardless not letting them bully us. This is so wrong, it happens in many areas of life as well. The only way to survive is to toughen up, and to decide that we will not allow the bullies to win.

But most of all, please do not let it affect you how you see yourself, just because through no fault of your own you have been affected by having to live with M. Please, please, please do not let these bullies win! Please do not let them live in with the feeling that it is all your fault, that you need to apologise that you exist.

I cannot tell you how angry such treatment makes me, because none of us have chosen to live with M, none of us chosen to be ill, none of chosen not to be able to work or tow function, We do not need to apologise for that.

Just try to surround yourself with true friends, people whom your trust will not judge you when you are unwell, or in pain, and learn to disregard all others as people who do not really matter. This is what I have been doing for years. Now I only have friends whom I can trust, and who trust me that when I say I cannot make it to lunch, or to a party would know that, this I cannot make it because it is not possible for me to do so.

If you get fed up, come back here and let it all out, and you will find people who know how you feel.

Most of all do not give up your fight, this is what these bureaucrats want. Do not give them the satisfaction. Remember, you have not chosen to be ill.

Nice to see you posting again.
Mini