feel guilty about disabling migraines

It seems everytime I plan to go with my DH to his dr's appt's, or anywhere we plan to go, I end up with a M & don't feel like going. After many years of this I can tell by the way he sometimes rolls his eyes when I say I don't feel like going that he is getting very tired of it. He is always willing to go with me when I have an appt. This makes me feel so guilty that I make myself go & do when I'm really too sick. Do any of you find yourself feeling guilty because you're sick? Thanks.

I think guilt is a common emotion for a lot of us. I feel guilty because I: can no longer work and contribute financially, have to cancel plans at the last minute, wake up my husband in the middle of the night so he can massage my aching head, and even though I spend all day at home some days I still can't get done basic chores due to my migraines. We need to remember that the migraines are not our fault.........we are being bullied by our bodies and we are not choosing to be sick.

I constantly have to remind myself of the things that I am able to do and that I am doing my best. I think we all push hard to go out and do things when we should be home - I think that is human nature - and it is okay to do that now and then. We need though to take care of ourselves and let ourselves off the hook when we do have to cancel. We are not our illness but we do have to make room in our lives for it. My husband and my best friend are very supportive and understand when my migraines get in the way......they are by my side when the pain is at its worst and bringing me drugs, ice, heat, whatever I am asking for to help.

Guilt is a normal response but please don't pay too much attention to it when it raises its ugly head.......L

Thanks for your reply. I know it is difficult for spouses to understand M especially if they never experience a headache. I've always tried to suffer in silence as much as possible.

Unfortunately, I think guilt is an unavoidable part of living with chronic migraines. I feel guilty a lot of the time. I feel guilty when I have to miss one of my kid's games or concerts or when I can't give my son a bath. I feel guilty that I cannot cook dinner for my family or even eat dinner for them. I feel guilty that my poor husband has to drive me everywhere. Yes, we have to keep reminding ourselves that these migraines are not our fault. They are NOT our fault! And we have to be there for each other.

I feel guilty alot about the impact my migraines have on mine and my partners life. We have to constantly take my migraines into consideration when 'trying' to make plans to go out or do anything. Will there be a lot of noise there, a lot of people? Fluorescent lights? Strong perfume, ect ect....very often we have to decided not to go to certain places or events because of the potential triggers for me. Its a nightmare....but he is very understanding and patient thank god Even visiting his family is a problem as the visits are often very noisy with cigarrette smoke and I feel so bad about that.

I gave up accepting dinner invitations from friends a long time ago and I have so many food/drink triggers that I would have to ask the host to cook something different just for me and I'd feel terrible lol!

I think all we can do is just try to enjoy the days we are well and accept its not our fault, we don't choose to live this way.

Ditto & thanks for your comments.

Totally hear you mattie =/

I am currently trying to challenge what has become social phobia in me from so long avoiding going out in case a migraine is triggered. I have been so sensitive to light, anxiety, etc that I basically completely withdrew. Next week I have 4 things in 4 days and am a bit worried but I'm going to keep doing my relaxation stuff, make sure I have my sunnies on, and try to participate.

I have felt guilt heaps for cancelling stuff at the last minute when I get a migraine and that makes no sense. It's not my fault. But I'm also aware in myself that I have used fear of getting a migraine as a reason to avoid going out. That's why I am challenging myself at the moment on that one.

xx Living

Living, very inspiring of you! I, too, have a lot of guilt about cancelling and missing things do to my chronic migraines! But, you are right, sometimes I think I have become so used to staying in that I almost use the possibility of getting a migraine as a reason not to do anything or go anywhere! I have to be less afraid. If I go out and I get a migraine, well, I'll take my meds and come home, at least I tried, right? My problem is that they are so bad that I cannot even drive anymore, so I have to convince my hubby (or a friend) that it's worth taking the chance...

Michelle

Hi Chelle,

Going out is definitely a challenge, but with good supports around us I think we can achieve more than being totally housebound.

Frankly I don't think it's worth getting a migraine just to get some time out of the house - at least the stuff I do when I go out isn't generally worth a migraine!

BUT, I know that avoidance = phobia eventually. By avoiding going out due to fear of maybe getting a migraine, I am more likely to avoid again and again. It's a thing called operant conditioning...or is it classical conditioning? I always get those two mixed up. Anyway, it works like this: I think of going out and immediately start to feel anxious about getting a migraine. I decide not to go out and immediately feel relief. Because my decision to avoid 'rewards' me by reducing my anxiety, I am more likely to experience anxiety about going out in future. So it actually increases my anxiety in the long run. And anxiety gives me migraines!!

Same as rewarding a barking dog by giving him a treat will encourage him to bark more in future. I want to get out of this cycle. Of course we all do get migraines, but there must be sometimes we can go out and have a nice time without getting one. I'm going to retest those waters =) Sounds like you're keen to do the same if you can drum up the support around you

In answer to your question: no, I do NOT feel guilty any more.
I use to, but this was when I was still young and did not have enough confidence to say to myself:
this pain is NOT my fault,
I have NOTt chosen to have this migraine/sickness/ilness,
I am suffering enough already, I do NOT need to be punished and stressed, by feeling guilty as well.

So no, as far as grown up people are concerned, when I need to cancel, I no longer feel guilty, just regretful.
I have made point of explaining and providing information to all people in my life who matter to me. They have often seen with their own eyes what M does to me, so they know.
Anyone who cares enough about me, will understand that when I say I cannot make it, I am really sick.

Some people don't, but by now I have excluded from my circle of friends people who are uncaring and thoughtless enough to try to make me feel bad about having a bad luck of being born with M condition.

Sorry if it sounds hard, but at one point I had enough of feeling guilty and I made a decision, that I am no longer going to feel bad about something, that I have no influence to change.

Having said all that, I must admit that I still feel guilty, if and when, I have to let down any little children -becasue this truly breaks my heart. So, yes, I have been out, when my head is bad and I feel awful, in order to avoid disappointing the little Darlings.

I now firmly believe, that if a grown up person does not care enough about how badly I am suffering with M, or how much pain I am in, and they are selfish enough only to think of themselves in such situation, they have to go! They are no longer my true friend/partner/whatever and therefore I no longer care about letting them down. Apologetic, yes, but not guilty.

I know that over the years of living with M, people who truly care about me, understand and support me when I am sick.

As for the rest, it is like most of us, I try to get a best balance between having some social life, and the risk of another M. The fear is constantly with us. It is not easy, but we do our best.
We often pay the price for going out to please people we care about, at times we disappoint them. It is a fine balance. This is life with M.
But we should not feel guilty, for a bad luck of having to live with pain.

I agree, Mini. I've had those type of people in my life were they could of cared less and not being supportive of what I was dealing with. Like you said, those type of people are selfish and the way I see it, that it was always about them anyway. No need to waste my time with people like that.

Mini, you are spot on! I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I know having these damn migraines is not my fault! I am working on it, ya know? It's one thing to know it's not my fault and that guilt is stupid. But, it's another thing to not feel it. I don't feel it with people who are unsympathetic and have banned those sort of people from my life, as well. It's the ones who matter that I can't help but feel guilty, because I know they miss me and worry about me and wish I could do more things with them. Like you said, especially my kids. I have four. They know how bad it is, how sick I am...because they live it. That makes me feel really awful a lot of the time because this disease and the ramifications of it are forced upon them. And, it's not their fault, and I hate seeing them worry about me or dealing with me having to miss a Choir concert or a softball game because of it. I don't know if I can stop feeling guilty about that...

I sometimes feel that my wife's migraines are a bit convenient. That's not to say she doesn't have them, but sometimes the timing is suspect. She does very little around the house or really anything that doesn't particularly interest her, however, she does seem to push through when there is something she really wants to do. Maybe that is because the excitement of something provides her extra energy vs. the thought of washing dishes or doing laundry. After awhile does it, to some extent, because a way of life? That even on "good" or "tolerable" days not much effort is made because it's no longer part of a routine or on the radar? The reality is that not everyone who suffers from a migraine is/was a great person. Even jerks suffer from migraines. Maybe they are jerks because of them or maybe they were before them.

I don't want to ever blame someone for something they can't help, but there are times when it seems my wife may be taking advantage of the situation. Anyone ever exploit their condition for secondary gain?

No, No and NO....................

As I lay here on the couch recovering from my daily trip to hell with my migraines your post really raised my blood pressure! Yes, I will sometimes choose to attend a family/friend event or gathering or even spend a few minutes with my neighbor's adorable 3 year old and then pay for it with excruciating pain later. It is important to me to have as good a quality of life as possible so I prioritize what I do and choose to do what brings me joy. I do the laundry, dishes, etc....when I can..........but they are not worth the pain that I am willing to experience in order to enjoy my friends and family.

Hi All,

First of all, I think guilt goes with the territory of chronic migraine. I have had severe migraines since age 17. I used to feel guilty when I was unable to do something due to migraines. Eventually, I learned to work around it. However, I have only recently come to terms with the fact that I will never know what I can do from one day to the next. Fortunately, most of my friends understand.

Reeper- I think you need to read a little more about migraine. There are some good articles at www.helpforheadaches.com. I know that depression can also go hand in hand with migraine or pain in general. This may be why she is not able to do some things. It also takes a great deal of energy to get anything done in the midst of a migraine. You did mention that "she does seem to push through when there is something she really wants to do." This may be true- but in many cases getting through an event leads to a bad migraine. I do not know of anyone here who has ever used migraines for secondary gain. After all- who in thier right ming would choose to live like this? I suggest you talk to your wife about what is going on and maybe come to some agreement about the migraines. This is just my two cents.

Pain free days,
sailingm