Back once again

I'm sorry I've been away so much lately. I just have been so depressed that I have avoided all society. Of course, as my therapist reminds me, when I'm that depressed what I need most is society because that is what pulls me out of the depression, but when I'm there, I just can't stand the thought of dealing with people. I'm sure you all understand what I'm talking about.

So let me give you a brief update on my life. First, the worrisome news. Our beloved Justice, the 15 year old German shepherd/ husky mix whom we all love and adore, can't stand up! This morning my mom found him lying in his own urine in the kitchen because he couldn't get up to go outside! She got him up and to the back room, which is carpeted, in the hopes that he'd be able to walk better on the carpet, but he is so shaky on his feet. If we try to get him up, we have to help lift him up. And then after taking him outside, which necessitates walking next to him to help him, we have to lift him and pull his legs aside to help him lie down again. Of course the vet wasn't open today, Thanksgiving, so we will take him in tomorrow. But we're afraid they're going to say nothing can be done, and he has to be put down! My brother and his wife will be coming up from Brazil in January, so we so badly want him to last until then. My brother was his "Master," and Justice was my brother's first dog who belonged specifically to him. Andrew worked so hard to train Justice and teach him to be tame. It would be sad for him to go just before Andrew can come see him one last time and introduce him to Marina, my brother's wife of 3 1/2 years.

Marina was finally granted a U.S. visa to visit the U.S. She has been married to an American citizen for 3 1/2 years, but the U.S. government wouldn't let her visit us until after my brother got his permanent residency for Brazil, on the basis that she was too big a risk to come and stay here illegally, as if she would jeopardize the right to a green card if she wanted to live here! So we are really excited that they will get to come in January, and we will get to show Marina all over Southern California and introduce her to many family members who have never met her before. She also wants to get to visit the snow for the first time too! So that will be a lot of fun!

As for Thanksgiving, we had our turkey dinner on Friday of last week, when 38 international students, along with 16 volunteers, and our two dogs and the bird that we didn't eat, joined together to celebrate Thanksgiving together. We had two turkeys and a ham, with all the extra fixings, and lots and lots of pies. Everything disappeared but some of the pie. It was a really special time together, and a lot of the students tasted turkey for the first time ever! We had everyone go around the room and say what they are thankful for, and a lot talked about how they appreciate being welcomed into our home and made a part of our family. That was really encouraging, especially because I was doing really badly with my head then and was barely holding out.

So today, we skipped dealing with the turkey. We normally spend Thanksgiving with my mom's older brother at his beach house near Morro Bay or San Luis Obispo. It's about a 4 hour drive up the coast from L.A. But the main level of the beach house is the second floor, and my dad had foot surgery two weeks ago and isn't allowed to use his foot. So he is using a knee walker, which is like a scooter with a padded seat that he bends his knee and kneels on. He can get around well on that, but he can't do stairs. So we chose to stay home. Others from his family didn't bother to invite us over for Thanksgiving, although my aunts did celebrate it with my cousin's ex-girlfriend whom one aunt is putting up for free in a house that she and my dad and the other aunt co-own and which my grandfather built 50 years ago. I'm not too thrilled with her support of the ex-girlfriend. It's because she has a child with my cousin, but my cousin pays child support; his ex just abuses it and has stolen from the family and is just a bad person all around.

But anyway, we had a much better day than if we had spent it with those family members, especially given that my cousin's ex-girlfriend would have been there. We invited several international students over and had 4 come. We taught them to cook clam chowder, blueberry and strawberry muffins, and Tahitian chicken for dinner. And then we cooked our world-famous (and it seriously is WORLD famous!) "secret family recipe" butterscotch brownies. We had a lot of fun, and my friends enjoyed learning American recipes. They were pleased to learn how simple it actually is to make muffins or clam chowder for yourself.

I also gave them a copy of the recipes my mom typed out for me when I moved out on my own. I have decided to turn those recipes into a cookbook that we'll get printed in a bound form to give as presents to friends and family. But my plan is to take pictures of us cooking each of the items in the cookbook because it looks so much better when you can see what to expect it to look like. And it would be fun for my mom and me to do this as a project over the next year. So we started by taking pictures today of us cooking the four items. I also taught them to make guacamole, which really impressed them by how easy it is to make! I learned that in China, they will eat avocadoes with sugar! Isn't that curious?

We finished up the evening by watching IQ with Meg Ryan, Tim Robbins, and Walter Matthau, who stars as Albert Einstein. It's such a cute romantic comedy that we had a great end to our evening!

So that is my life right now. I just really hope and pray that the vet tomorrow will have something to help Justice. At first we were annoyed with Liberty because she was forcing her attention on us, as if jealous that Justice was getting so much attention. She has ADD and is pretty self-centered, so we weren't even sure if she realized that Justice was in trouble. But I think now that she was worried about him and didn't know how to show it. So she was coming to us for reassurance. So we have spent a lot of time with both dogs. One of the students even sat on the floor petting Justice the whole movie! I don't know how I will bear it when he goes. He has been the most supportive dog I've ever met! He's much more than just a pet to us. I know many of you understand because you have special animals in your lives too!

I'll try not to be away quite as long this time!

Good to hear from you Vicky - for someone who has been hiding out you certainly keep busy!! That's good and your therapist, much as I can empathize with you, is right. When we are down we need to be with people who can lift us up. Hard to find even a shred of motivation to do this at times.

Sad news about your puppy dog. I think most of us here can sympathize. One of the worst days of my life was taking our 17 year old cat to the vet to be put down. Thought at the time that if I could just get the words out "I need to get my cat euthanised" at the counter I would get through Ok.

Of course broke down as soon as the words "I need" left my mouth.

Such a hard thing to do. The vet and staff were wonderful though - let me out the back door so I wouldn't have to walk through reception sobbing like a baby.

The old boy is under a bird bath now - we thought that appropriate as he was a bit of a bugger for catching birds. We put 2 rose bushes next to the bird bath. Helps to look out the kitchen window and see him.

Maybe if need be, you can do something like this for your brother if he doesn't get home in time?

Keep your chin up and I hope things look a bit brighter soon.

Welcome back Vicky.

I am so sad for you. Losing my dog Bella was so hard, so HARD.
Even today it hurts remembering her, I miss her so much.
But what can we do sweet child, eventually everything comes to an end and this is what I hate about life.
All we can do is bear it, and bear we do.
Justice have 15 great years with you and I'll pray he will have many more with you. Please let us know asap how the things went at the vet. I pray pray for better outcome.

I am also sorry to hear about your depression. hugs.
Having occasionally the bouts of myself, I do understand how one does not want to reach out to the world.
But I am glad to see it seem to have passed. Or you are trying to fight this. I wish you luck, and please know we are always here for you.

Your cook-out with friends and family sound delicious! and the idea of making a cook book - scrumptious!
I would like to see piccie or two if that's okay with you. I am terrible cook but I always love to eat other's good food, and especially enjoy being around people who loves to cook! good luck with making this family recipes cook book!

Lots of love, Risa
ps - I am very curious if you ever had a chance to read this book A White Masai yet?

great to have you back vicky!! xx

Thanks for the encouragement. The same night I posted this was a very low night. I lay in bed and just thought about how bad the depression is. And then the next day, I got two cards in the mail: one was from an international student thanking us for our hospitality, and the other was from one of you! Encouraging me in my depression. You can't imagine how touched I was to see that card in particular!

When I upload the pictures from Thanksgiving, I'll post some here. Thanks for the encouragement, everyone! The depression isn't past, but I'm working on it.

And my big news: I have an actual date tomorrow! I haven't been on a date at all in several years, since my last boyfriend and I didn't really go out on dates; we just stayed in at home. And I haven't been on a first date in 10 years! I met the guy on eHarmony (thanks for the suggestions, everyone!). I'll tell you more about him if things pan out. But I can say that after talking on the phone three times for several hours total, I view him as a possibility. I won't commit to more feelings than that until I meet him in person, but there's hope. I just have to figure out what to wear now! I have shrunk out of most of my clothes! I can still wear many of my sweaters and things, but after all the work I put into losing the weight, I'd kind of like to show it off! My friend suggested going shopping today, but I just don't have the energy and need to reserve that for tomorrow!

I'll tell you all about it after the event! I'm extremely nervous and excited, but trying very hard not to get my hopes up too high because I don't know how things will work out.

Woohoo, Vicky! how exciting!

So, how did the date went?

On a scale from 1 to 10 - 1 being the worst and 10 the best, how would you grade it?

How are you, anyway, sweetie?

Risa

My therapist is due to call any minute, so when he does, I'll just click enter, so it might come in the middle of a sentence. The date went well! I can't give a number to it, but it went well! I would say that there is definite promise there, and he seems into me as well. I am trying to take things really slowly and not get myself too invested in something that isn't to be, but I do see him as someone I could be with. And the dedication and care he has shown to his sister's ex-husband, who has brain damage and therefore neurological damage and a mental illness, means that he isn't likely to be thrown off by my migraines. I had to cancel a call with him yesterday because I went in for morphine, and he sent me a really sweet text message saying just to take care of myself, and we'd talk today.

So I am hopeful. But I'm trying not to get too hopeful, if you get my meaning.