Disappointed again

You all know how I have really wanted to try to find someone to date and hopefully eventually marry. I tried asking out a pastor at my church, but he turned me down. He's now married to the woman he was dating at the time but hadn't told the church that he had a girlfriend yet. I also tried eHarmony and ChristianMingle, but had no success with either. My common problem was that I had to give some excuse for why I had no job, and as soon as the migraines came up, there went the guy! They were just too intimidated by my condition, and since there was so many other choices of women who didn't come with such baggage, they just chose to look elsewhere.

Well, recently, I thought I might have found someone. I reconnected with an old friend from high school who was a good friend then. He's now a professor of French at a university nearby and lives with his mom just a couple miles from me. And he's single. So we went out to lunch a couple times, and he seemed like someone who might potentially be someone I could date. I wasn't seriously into him or anything, but I was hoping that perhaps something could come of it. We have very similar beliefs and attitudes towards life. And we both have similar academic fields. He was originally going to be an English major until he spent two years in France and switched to French literature instead of English lit.

But on Saturday night I got an email from him in which he said that he was concerned that he might have sent a wrong signal to me and that he wanted to be clear with me that he wasn't interested in anything romantic. He does want to be friends still, though, and I do too. I was glad that he said something then rather than after I had gotten more interested in him. Then, it would have really hurt. Now, it's just diappointing because I feel, shall we say, undesirable? It's just another harsh reminder of how much I have against me. I will still try to get together with my friend because at the moment, he's about the only male friend I have who lives locally. I need friends I can see in person and not just online.

But I'm disappointed. At the advice of my friend who lives in England, I'm going to have another friend come over and help me fill out the online forms for a couple different online dating sites. I have such a hard time rating myself that it will help a lot to have a friend give me her own feedback on how to label myself.

I just feel like I have so much going against me, that I'm not able to contribute as much to a relationship as I require taking. So I'm kind of discouraged at the moment.

My daughter is in the same boat Vicki. She isn't sick, is very pretty, has a great job, but hasn't met anyone.
We have talked about it a lot, and have come to the conclusion it is just the times we live in. Most people don't want committment. We aren't sure if this is because they don't want what their parents had, or they want the toys and "things" above a relationship.
She has settled to the fact that she is a single girl most of the time. Occasionally though she will have a little sad voice that says she is lonely.
For both of you I am sure Mr Right will turn up. So in the mean time, enjoy your friends and family. And for goodness sake don't think it is you - cause without even meeting you I know it isn't, it's just how things are now days.

I can sympathize. You sort of know my story and it's going on 4 months since I last heard from him. I don't know what the status is - if we're over or if he's just being dumb and thinking I'll just sit here and wait for him. Frankly I don't know what to do and I know no one else can tell me. For right now, I'm just leaving things alone but if someone would come along, I'm not going to say no to a date.

As for really moving on...I have the same dilemma. Who's going to want to date me with all the problems I have? I'm also getting to the age where there are very few singles as most are already married. Sigh. Really stinks as I do want to get married and have a family...

I've heard some people have success on Christian Dating sites. May be worth a try for you.

Hi Darlin Vicki

You take the assumption that it is you. It's all about timing, hun.

It's very likely that that someone very special is married to Ms Wrong and hasn't gotten out of it yet. Or maybe he is in another state and hasn't moved here yet. I know you want to have that marraige thing now, but it is better to be single than to be hooked up to someone who is wrong for you and messes you up inside.

We can't always have what we think we should have in life, but usually sometimes it does come at a later time and in a surpising way. Big requests take longer to come, and from different roads. You may not have your own children, but may marry later in life to a wonderful man and he may have wonderful children that will feel like your own. Next thing you know, grandchildren to hold as your own and be just as fullfilling.

You have so much life ahead of you to consider. Get your head out of the box of of what you think life should be.......married by a certain age, and children like your parents.......

You are beautiful Vicki, a talent full of love and compassion and warmth, and there is not a darn thing wrong with you. Put out your name in the dating sites and see what happens. When he shows up, you both will know, and in the mean time, hold your head up. He is just busy right now. It's not you.

Angela

Hey pretty lady

Great advice ... it really is timing. I was in my early forties before I found Steve, the love of my life. My daughter and her cousin are both 30 and looking ... one in Alaska and one in NYC. Looking but not finding.

Love happens when it happens. The ONLY known way to attract Love is to completely forsake looking for Love. Oxymoronic but true. Love loves to sneak up on you. If you are looking for Love, Love will hide.

BUT if you grow content and create a fulfilling and fun life as a single person, Love cannot resist. Love will sneak up on you and surprise you.

If you look for Love, you find Loneliness. If you stop looking and start living ... Love will find you.

I have NO idea why this is true, but it has worked out that way for everyone I know who is an adult ... teenagers have their own set of rules and I have ZERO idea how those teens operate! LOL

PS For future reference, single, healthy, mature men with a good income who are still living with their Mom's, are often more likely to date me than you. And even if not, werre I a woman, I would NEVER consider dating a straight man who was young like you and still lived at home. That would be one mother-in-law it would be hard to compete with. No, when Love finds you, make certain he is an independent and mature man ... only they are really capable of making marital vows and menaing it.

Or such is my instinct and experience.

Vicki,

Absolutely, you have to stop looking for love. It puts people off. It's always best to live your life enjoying what you enjoy and let love find you. Chances are you'll find someone who has things in common with you if you're doing what you like and he is there doing it, too. It could be a club or a class. You have to be comfortable with yourself, all alone, before someone else will find you attractive (I don't mean in a physical sense).

The fact that the professor is living with his mother is a big red flag. He is not a grown-up, yet. He doesn't want to lead you on but wants to remain friends. That could very well indicate he'd prefer to be with a man. In any case, at least he was upfront with you (although he could've told you in person instead of an email.....another sign of immaturity).

Your parents are very involved with their church. Surely there are lots of occasions for you to participate in activities with the church. Find some aspect of it you like and enjoy your life. Don't spend your life looking for someone else. You already have a wonderful person worth getting to know......and she is YOU.

Vicki

In the past you have stated that you are very upfront, right off the bat about your health issues and that you do it for the sake of honesty. That's admirable BUT I don't agree with you. That means that right off the bat you're pointing out your least desirable features. Not the best first or even second impression.

Let the person get to know and accept YOU first. Let them know you through your expressiveness, your good kind heart, your unmovable faith that is so interesting in light of your open mindedness. Let them love or admire YOU before you expect them to accept you illness.

Don't let people see the illness first, that's all they'll see.

We scare people. I recently got in touch with my old HS love. I'm happily married, he's happily married...no flirtation. We were having great long catching up chats and I brought up "my life". I got a quick "so sorry" message and little else.

People don't know WHAT to say so it's easier to not say anything.

Just my HO, but you're not happy with your method, maybe a little less honesty is called for. When someone asks about your work? A vague "I do a great deal of ministry with International students" should suffice in the beginning. Very few people form the question as "what is your PAYING job?". If it's phrased "what do you do you a living?". "I help my parents with their ministry". I think we often feel too obligated to give out too much information about ourselves.

And yes....A professional man, living with his Mom, never married...you're not going to interest him no way, no how...(geez, I hate when people stereotype and there I go....)

P.S. Definitely keep seeing him as a friend. He's a man, in academia. They generally have a ton of social functions that he might want a companion to go with him. Just waiting at that meet-n-greet standing bored silly in the corner might be the next Mr. Vicki!

Hey, it's not easy for guys either hunting chicks.

In your 30's a lot of women out there are divorcess, have kids, baggage, issues, etc.

And if you're a guy, and you have health problems, it makes things tough too. What chick wants to listen about health problems and hospital trips?

How do you explain or even bring up that your life is dependant on medications and preventative procedures, and you could in the near future drop over? And you need a tumor to be plucked that's living underneath your brain....LOL.

I met a batchelorette at a bar a few months ago. I bought her a few rounds, and she said she was interested in pediatric oncology as a nurse. I asked her "what about skull based tumors?" Sorry, anyone in this field knows this is tough stuff for adults, let alone kids. Bang, called out a fake.

My buddy looked at me like I was nuts. Well, that's what happens when you're spending massive amounts of your life in hospitals.

Hey, I hung around to help out a great woman, my mother that was very sick. I helped out my grandmother, that was a great friend, that was very ill. I don't abandon family unlike many of my relatives. Most ladies would dream of guys that devoted.

But as things change, mom's pass away there's the hunt. With today's marriages blowing up withing seconds, why the rush, and why the bother?

Especially if you're sick. I go to enough functions to spot gold-diggers. Guess what honey, prenup!

Things aren't that rosey on the other side. Guys like their girls for certain traits. Women like strong guys with money that treat them decent. As you get older, that gets more enforced.

My early twenties, I dumped too many marriage quality girls. My bad. Oh well, what are you going to do. When the right one comes along, well.....she better buy me a Porsche (just kidding, well......).

With a dad that would jump on a grenade for you, and you would do the same.......as someone as important in your life ages how do you move on.

Easy, a lot do. But some, they don't. They stick an help. I spent many spring breaks painting at my grandmothers.....in hindsite I missed a lot of fun, and I almost resent doing it. However, I did help someone out.

Maybe I was put on this earth for a different purpose, but heck sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

I'd never want that choice between a loving and supporting mother and a wife. I can say if my mom liked my girlfriends, all was good. If she didn't....kaboom.

Rambling point...don't get too locked up in this. I never go out thinking I'm going to find my future wife tonight. That's defeating the purpose of fun.

My mind might be polluted from spending a lot of time seeing a ton of sick people, but I have a different viewpoint. You can pinpoint a shallow bonehead from 200 yards. I've met some of the most caring people in hospitals, and on places like forums.

What was I saying........LOL.

Marc,

You always make me smile even when you're complaining. I'll buy you a drink anytime. What? My Hubby? Oh, yeah... Well, never mind...

I guess the prenuptial scares off the ones who would prefer a sudden deadly heart attack, eh?

To be in the dating world again? No way!

Vicki..I have faith in our LORD that he has the perfect husband picked out for you..I believe when the timing is right it will happen..

Lifting you up in prayer..remember who you are in CHRIST..

Blessings,
Greeneyes

Hi Vicky,

You have to change the way how you think about yourself. You are giving all the signals of "I am unworthy, please love me". Instead you should be sending out signals of confidence - you need to love yourself first for others to see what is loveable about you. I hope this makes sense.

I asked my husband for research purposes what he finds attractive in a woman:

Any woman who is interested in him is attractive (ahem … not anymore, but when he was a bachelor). ---> don't be afraid to chat up a guy. Generally men are very flattered by female attention. I know this also from my male friends. Most of them have never been chatted up by a woman. They all said they would absolutely adore that to happen. It would so stroke their ego. So don’t sit and wait for the handsome prince to knock on your door. This sleeping beauty should take control and go and get what she wants.

Top of my husbands list is a GSOH (good sense of humor). That doesn't mean he just wants somebody to laugh at his lame jokes. It means he wants a woman with wit and spunk who despite life’s struggles sees the humorous side of it.

You illness needn’t be a hindrance. My husband didn’t mind that I was a bit vulnerable and needed looking after. He says he likes a bird with a wing down. I guess it makes him feel extra strong and manly. That’s why he probably also loves our kitty Rosie so much (she of the terrible flea allergy fame).

Also the fact that you don’t want to have any children is not necessary a negative. Many men are happy to remain childless and plenty of my male friends have secretly confirmed that although they love their kids the driving force in the decision to have them have been their wives.

Go get them hun (I love the word “hun” … it’s so endearingly American)! [You must be registered and logged in to see this image.]

Love

P.

Vicki, DO NOT give up on the dream of a loving husband. You have ben given great advice already.

Now Marc.......you need to publish that post somewhere for men and women alike. That was funny, heartwarming, endearing, and a turn on all at once! It was great......and I know it was straight from your heart. Hope you get what you want someday as well........I mean besides the Porsche and the St. Pauli girl!!!

Hi Vicki,

I regret to say that I am in the same boat right now. My bf recently dumped me via text message. Though he had been supportive during some tough migraines, he reconnected with someone who was "welll" and decided that was better than dealing with a girlfriend who constantly faints and has severe migraine. I know that the migraines were not the only reason for the breakup, but they playe a part. (Other reason was the fact that my mom didn't completely approve. I informed him that he was dating me, not my mother.) Still, to hear "Your migraines don't scare me." and then to hear that they do is quite infuriating.

He is crtainly the person I have dated the longest and felt the closest to. I did not date much in college because I did not want to scare guys. This has gotten a little worse since the fainting started.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know that I am smart, have a sense of humor, and am reasonably attractive, but with the migraines, fainting, and having to live at hime again, who would want me? (I am sure there is someone.)

I like the idea of the christian websites as a possibility. I have also thought about seeing if I can join a singles group at one of the church's in my hometown, even though I attend a different church.

Vicki, sorry I hijacked your thread. I know there has to be someone out there-for both of us.

Pain free days,
sailingm

Thanks! I've been away for a while, partly because I went to Hume Lake last weekend, which is out of phone range (let alone Internet range) and have been paying for it both there and ever since. I'm coming to the conclusion that I don't deal well with altitudes. But then, on Saturday, we went down the mountain to a large (70+ people) family reunion in Fresno, and I was in had shape then, so who knows? I finally got a morphine shot yesterday and have been barely able to get out of bed today.

While up in the mountains, I read part of a book that is going around my church called "Act like a lady, think like a man," but I wasn't too impressed by it. The author is a comedian, which I don't think qualifies him to make all the generalized statements about men that he makes. I've discussed them with my parents, and they agree that basically, he is talking about what he and his friends think. In his first chapter, he said that men care about three things and three things only when thinking about themselves: who they are, what they do, and how much money they make. He claimed that it is in the male DNA that it is an insult if a woman insists on paying anything when men and women go out. No, that's not genetic; it's a social construct that was taught to many men by their previous generation. And whether it is so true of men my age is another question too. The author states that he is 50, so what was true when he was my age is not necessarily true of men who are 35.

I do believe that a lot of men would like to pay, but I personally take it as a warning sign if a man takes it as an insult that I want to contribute something. When I go out, I don't insist on splitting things halfway down the middle; I usually suggest that he pay for the movie, and I pay for the popcorn and drinks, or something like that, so we both feel that we are contributing something. But if a man is so insecure about himself that he can't allow the woman to contribute something, then I'm concerned. There also easily becomes an unspoken suggestion that perhaps I ought to contribute in a less monetary way, shall we say? Not all men are like that, but it is something that I do notice.

Anyway, I understand where you're coming from by saying that love comes when you're not looking for it, but I have so few opportunities to get out and meet men my age that if I don't try to actively look, I probably won't get an opportunity. There are not many men my age at my church who aren't already married; I certainly don't know any. And I don't get to many non-international student church functions anyway. So I suspect that if I want to meet someone, I'll probably have to go back to the dating sites; I just don't have much desire to deal with them. Because it's so anonymous, I think people feel more freedom to be less polite in turning people down. Just the large numbers of people who do turn you down because they can't choose everyone can become demoralizing when so few express interest in the first place.

I'm not in a place to deal with all that right now; I've actually been really depressed this week and just don't feel like dealing with anything. And I have to finish putting together the guidelines for behavior if you participate in the international student ministry. I've had problems with people from my church making negative statements about gays or couples who live together before marriage, and that's not appropriate for such a group. If you're not a Christian, you have no particular reason to follow a Christian ethical system. My dad said that I may get opposition to that statement when I have my meeting on Sunday because many Christians believe that it's still better to live according to the Biblical principles than not to, but at least I have the support of my pastor, who agreed with me when I discussed this problem with him.

I must have had a burst of enlightenment! LOL Mianna and Para.

Vicki, you are really going at this full throttle.....why the huge rush to find someone?

You really sound like you are having a personal battle from what someone from an organized group wants you to do, and what you want to do for yourself.

I think you need to do your own personal discovery, and not do what everyone else recommends. You know the best, right?

Marc,

I'm a few years younger than Vicki, but I have the same sense of urgency. I can't explain it - I don't know if it's a biology driven thing just because we're sort of running out of time to have children (I know that Vicki has said she doesn't want her own) or if it's because every single person we know has gotten married and is having children (which is rather depressing - sort of a what's wrong with me and I really want that).

In reality I know there is nothing wrong with me (I could have been married twice already - to the wrong person). Part of it, I think, is this disease. So many of our friends don't understand this and thus we are left out and it gets rather lonely. I know this isn't the answer to that problem but in some ways it would be nice to have someone to stand beside you and (in my case anyway), to make a meal and to take care of my dogs when I can't or am struggling. Friends can't really do this...

My situation is different. I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 2 years and for the last 4 months he's completely disappeared. I don't know what to make of that and most are telling me to move on. Which I can't fault or ignore - I just wish he'd take his darn dog (which would make my life a lot easier). It's possible that he could walk back in at any time but I've given up waiting and if someone were to ask me on a date...I surely am not going to say no. Not many girls would wait this long and if he wants back in, a)he's going to have a d@#$ good excuse for this absence and b) he's gonna have to do some serious chasing and proving that he sees me as the most important thing in his life and he will never do this again. Most would completely write him off but there's something I can't seem to let go of (no matter how much I want to).

Vicki,

"love comes when you're not looking for it"

Bull$$hit.

Love comes when you are ready to accept it deep inside and not only rationally.

You don't know what's actually deep inside yourself - you can't just like I can't.

Human psyche is complicated and what your really want is not exactly what your subconscious wants - or still must be certain to want - in certain cases. The point is that head and guts must be aligned otherwise they will never achieve the same goals.

While you can "control" your head, you - like anyone else here - cannot control the guts and cannot really understand what they want to say until you use their language.

Sorry for being brutal Vicki, but I've been there and I know that it's not all in the world around or in the males.

I am SURE that you rationally want a family and I personally think that you deserve it more than many other humans as you're a WONDERFUL person. I'm just saying that there's probably something to be fixed in order to open all gates to happiness!!!

I don't want to enter into private details, so if you like PM to me. I'd be glad to continue on a more detailed and personal level.

Take care Vicki and NEVER give up. You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but we see it for you as we know that you wonderful!

hmmm, healer it is a tough situation.

it's not easy for a guy either--as you get older to. i do have some very difficult health problems, not just migraine. it would be nice to meet someone, but my feet aren't on fire to do so. i will never, ever let a relationship try and dictate terms of my health and its care.

getting and staying healthy (or as best as possible) is task and importance number one. there are few exceptions now in my life that i will allow to interfere with that. i will not tollerate little games that are played in relationships--no way!

i guess i've become a bit independant--probably from childhood. i still get out, and have some fun. my friends are supportive. i was invited to 4 parties just for labor day, and declined them all. it was offered for me to be picked up, but i said no. i wasn't feeling well. that's how it goes.

i hope i'm not coming off as a mean, insensitve person. i'm pretty far from that. but things are so delicately balanced for me in regards to my health vis a vis life, that i'm not willing to jump off a cliff into a relationship. that's what the earlier years in life are for--you figure out that stuff.

now, it's serious. i'm not a saint, and i'm not a scoundrel either but i still like to have some fun.

and if i find a really nice girl, i'll take her to the Olive Garden for dinner. i'm SURE she would enjoy it as much as a 3 star rated Michelin restaurant.

LOL

Marc......Save Olive Garden after you've been married for 10 years!!!!!!

I still tease my husband to no end that our first few meals together were at Marie Callendars (about 4 times, all different cities) and a Chili's!!! He has no memory of this of course...!!! Maybe that's a good thing.....cause he was all about ME!!!

Hi Vicki!
I think Ivy wrote that waiting for love to find you doesn't work that easily.
I agree.
You know I met my husband on-line. I was feeling exactly how you wrote...I wasn't meeting 'my type' of man in the day to day grind of life...at that time, working long hours, even going out with friends for happy hours. (before migraines became daily)
Back then there was more of a stigma to online dating...now it doesn't have the reek of 'desperation' that friends used to speak of.
I had come out of a long relationship (5 years) and decided to try to date a man of my faith. I am not religious, but my previous relationship had taught me to take more control over what I wanted and didn't want. My ex-boyfriends mum wouldn't hesitate to tell me that she was praying for my soul as I was going to hell (for not being a Christian). My ex believed it, too. I loved him very much but it got to the point where I realized that he was never going to propose for the above reason. He said so in so many ways.

I had to 'put myself out there'. Overall I had a really good experience. I would tell my friends that even if the first 'date' was really bad, at least I'd have a good story to tell...and did I have some stories!!! I didn't have very high expectations. I thought maybe I'd meet a friend or at least an interesting stranger.
Most men were really nice, though. We'd usually meet at a coffee shop or pub and just get to know each other a bit.


Keep that faith and do put yourself out there. I'm so glad I did!! (most of the time...haha)
xo
T