Greetings From Ravenhurst on beautiful Table Mountain, CA, USA

Howdy All,

Sorry to have been AWOL for a bit ... my internet connection hardware has been acting screwy. Missed hanging out here. Hope the darn thing works for a little while longer today!

I fell down today - hit with an intense episode, lost balance and strength VERY quickly. Otis brought me a cane and I was able to hobble to bed. two hours later and I am pretty good. Felt crummy all day so I guess it was time for a major episode. No worries.

Took my truck into the shop to see what the whistling-whine was all about out the driver's window. The mechanic - good guy - went for a ride with me to listen for himself. After a bit he asked to drive to hear the sound better - it starts squealing-whistling at 35 to 40 mph. We were gong along, the whistle started, and then it stopped. He showed me that the outside rearview mirror was broken - a small area was open in the casing that was meant to be closed. thus the mirror whistled at 40 mph. The truck has over 108,000 miles on the odometer - I said I could live with the whistle instead of spending a very small fortune on a new mirror ... but I am glad to know the cause.

Yesterday the Toyota service department employee showed me how to turn off the "maintenance required" light - it meant I need an oil change, but I have been so good about getting the oil changed regularly - I was 2,000 from the next one. Really nice of her to show me how to turn off the warning light instead of taking me for an expensive ride in service fees. There are some really nice people in Northern California.

Found a lump last Thursday and went to the doctor on Friday. The lump was just a nasty cyst. But a mole on my face has been changing. Monday he took a core of tissue to be biopsied ... I ought to know by Friday if he can freeze off a benign mole or if I need to see a dermatologist for removal of a malignancy. I thought I would be more worried than I am PLUS I initially thought it did not concern me much at all. It does. Nothing to do but wait. I have to admit that the big C is not near as frightnening as it used to be. Have experienced the cancer path with my Mom and with my brother. Plus since Steve's death, death itself holds no horror for me ... I often look forward to hanging up this life and being with my beloved again - NOT at my own hand, of course, but none the less, death is not scary. My Dad told me a few months before his death that he looked forward to meeting his mother who died during Dad's infancy. I know exactly how he felt.

My discrimination complaint against the coroner was denied by the county's Human Rights Commissioner. It is a muddy issue; I meet with the primary investigator on Thursday morning to find out why they believe they are in the right. The issue is equal treatment of all marriages and registered domestic partners. Currently, a deputy sheriff acting as coroner will ACCEPT a spouse as next of kin ONLY if the deceased and the spouse-partner have identical last names. If the man and woman or man-man or woman-woman have different last names, then a blood relative of the deceased who is physically present must attest to the marriage/RDP OR the grieving spouse/RDP in the first shock of grief must produce a marriage license or RDP certificate to be considered next of kin. Is this discrimanatory? I see both sides. The coroner has a duty to protect the property of the next of kin, including the deceased's body. Still I believe gay men are much less likely than straight couples to share a last name. Frankly I would not be surprised if my daughter keeps her last name at marriage to a man. Does not matter much to me whatever she chooses ... but many of her friends keep their own name for life. Interesting case with the Coroner. Where is your marriage license? Could you produce with a moment's notice if your beloved died tonight?

Let's see, major migraine attacks daily, cancer biopsy, fight with sheriff-coroner ... yep, that is my life in a nut shell. Hope all is well with you.

Welcome back, Richard! I've missed seeing you around lately! I myself only got regularly active here again a few weeks ago, but I've wondered where you've been.

I hope that your growth turns out to be benign and that your other health matters clear up!

I also hope that your hearing goes well. It still sounds like discrimination to me!

This evening I heard the sweetest word in the english language in the 21st century ... BENIGN

Richard,
glad to hear the word BENIGN for you, too!
Health is a major issue for most of us. We are alrady struggling enough with migraines, we don't need other issues....

This Sheriff is a real dummy. Sorry to sound so trivial, but at this point this is the only thing that can explain what he did.

I wish you a nice day!

So glad to know the result was benign, Richard. That's always a relief. Good to see you back. We've all been worried about you.

I'm so glad it was benigh. That is a relief not to have to worry about that part of your health!

My son just got married and his wife is a neuroscientist; she is keeping her last name as that is how her papers are written and how she is known in the research world. It would be terrible if they have to prove they are married in case of an accident or death. That is not something I had ever thought about. In this time more and more women keep their own name as that is how they are known in the business world. How will society adjust to this? I would hate to think that heterosexual couples would be believed more readily than Registered Partners but I fear that would be the case. This is one that will take years to adjust to.

I'm jumping for joy over your good news.

Congratulations on your BENIGN! I had one of those too a few months back......although mine came via email from the Dr.! So sweet.

Keep on keeping on.............

Hey Richard..so happy to hear that your biopsy went well and that it's benign !!

It's good to have you back, you've been missed. And with joyful news! I'm very happy for you.

I think many of us in the straight world don't realize the terrible injustices you face in your everyday life. Thank you for bringing them to our attention so we can understand the need for legislation and equal rights for all.

Great News Richard! Glad it was benign. Been a little quiet without you around and glad you are back.

Wonderful news, Richard!! So thankful....

Glad to hear from you again Richard!

Hi Richard!!
Glad to hear the biopsy went well, and glad to see you back here.

Risa

Nice to see you posting.

Cheryl

Glad to hear it's benign. The days waiting for results can take a hellish long time it seems.

Brent, you are spot on. The greatest distance known is both the time between the blood draw and the HIV test results and between the tissue sample and the biopsy report. How can each hour of those times feel like a week each, a month each?

Glad to hear all good on the barnicle.

On the issue of when one dies and who is responsible, I can tell you that this problem is no longer at all exclusive to the gay community.

Within our circle we have seen many arguments unfold as The First Wife and Second battle it out along with input from the various girlfriends, children - biological or step, mothers, fathers and siblings.

The ones who die without adaquate wills leave behind a mine field that goes on for years - both financially and emotionally.

What is more frustrating is that the ones who die thinking they have done everything right, can have their own legally expressed wishes of their Wills totally overturned and a free for all takes place snatching at their property and what upsets me even more, actions are taken totally against their wishes as to what happens to their remains.

Disgusting situation and it looks like a common feature to many countries.

In my books, a Last Testament is the final word, isn't it?

Howdy

Before Steve died, we had medical power of attorney's and wills in place. The problem is "Who is the next of kin?" not "Who is the beneficiary?"

The difference is that wills are probated long after the death, even after the Memorial Service / Funeral. The crux of the issue is the very hour after death when the State has to determine who is "next of kin" to decide what to do with the deceased's body and property.

Through my experience I learned that Medical Powers of Attorney, Living Wills, all Power of Attorney - the all become completely null and void at the instant of death. As of that instant, the State through the local Coroner takes over - and will only release the deceased property and body to the "next of kin."

In all states and countries without same sex marriage or domestic partnerships with a few of the rights of marriage (like California), same sex couples are in a tight bind at the instant of death. A parent or sibling or cousin of the deceased suddenly has control of the body and the property - regardless of the wishes of the deceased. The same sex partner, committed to the deceased / loving the deceased / grieving the deceased, has ZERO legal rights.

There have been MANY instances throughout the USA of widows and widowers of 10, 20, 30, 40+ years of marriage to a same sex partner being discarded, shunted aside by homophobic "next of kin" persons. Gays and lesbians have been buried when they specifically desired cremation - and vice versa. Husbands, wives, Partners have been evicted from their homes and their shared assets taken or sold by the "next of kin." It is a real problem - more so without a will but a huge problem with all legal papers in place.

My county investigator found that:

In the USA today, about 7% of opposite sex married couples do not have the same last name.

In California, a majority of Registered Domestic Partners do not have the same last name.

That is why the county's current "same last name and we believe you" policy has a disproportionate impact on gays and lesbians.

Here it FEELS like a black and white World War II movie where the Gestapo stops someone and asks for "papers."

I ask you this. Are you married or in a Registered Domestic Partnership? PROVE IT! NOW!!!

You have 10 minutes or less to PROVE with a physical witness related by blood to your husband / wife or with your marriage license or RDP Paperwork.

Where is YOUR marriage license?

That, my friends, is the problem.

I'm so thrilled that your tumor is BENIGN! Yahoo!

And I am also still angry at what you were put through. I'm gradually influencing my quite conservative, Evangelical Christian family to see the world through your eyes as I tell them about your experiences, and I can see that their attitude is changing about the treatment of gays. When I told them how Steve died just shortly before gays could marry in CA, I heard several exhales of disappointment.

So in a minute way, even though this is not the way you would want to help change opinions about the LGBT community, you are helping to make a difference. Now my parents are upset at the coroner who has held to clearly discriminatory practices. That's the first step towards opening up more rights for you. When gays are simply an "other" to straight people, it is much easier to deny rights to them. But when the gays are people you know and care about, is is much harder to do so.

On a side note, I am thrilled that the LGBT community has taken the lead in putting women first for once! You may not have noticed, but I see how every time men and women are listed together, they always put the men first. I usually alternate, starting with women and men, just to prove I'm not being sexist. In my gender studies class, in our chapter on language, the text quoted from a grammar book back in the 18th century when our grammar was just beginning to get codified. This book stated that if you must mention men and women together, you must put the men first because God created Adam before Eve, so therefore the men are more important and must come before the women. So kudos to the LGBT community for throwing off that yoke of sexism!

I was away for a time and missed something. Who is your roommate?

Sorry about the crummy verdict on the lawsuit. I don't have a clue how to access my marriage license. As far as I know I would have to get a copy from the state. That is so crazy.

I don't check here much these days. I do most of my online socializing on Facebook where I hear from some of the Ronda's folks as well as other friends and family. My own headache situation is vastly improved the last year or so, so I just do not pay as much attention to the actual migraine forum.

I still think of you, and some of my longtime migraine friends, pretty much daily. All of you have been such important companions to me on this journey.

Norma

I can't quote chapter and verse on the legalities of the same name business over here but it sounds similar and I can site another example of where it falls down.

The ex-wife who doesn't change back to her maiden name even if legal documentation of the divorce does exist.

She's in like a shot because the authorities look at her last name and it matches his.

So his ashes end up sitting underneath the bed she shares with her new lover. His next of kin is his underage daughter - she is the legal owner of the ashes. His siblings and parents therefore have no right to his ashes to inter or scatter more respectfully.

Hopefully one day we will all be a little kinder to each other, so keep plugging away Richard, it's the only way it will change.