Tough Discussion

When Steve and I met and married, I was healthy. He fell in love with a healthly, employed man. I became ill with migraine disease, and my Steve stuck to my side every step. We were one until (and for months after) he died.

I have begun dating again ... in fact, my Thom from Florida has been here at Ravenhurst about a month. Tonight was the "tough discussion." since Thom has arrived, I have been 'down for the count' 3 or 4 days a week. Not all day, but the majority of all day. I have learned to accept and live with and around my stroke-like episodes. But it is all new to Thom. My roommate and I have educated Thom so his fear and anxiety about my disease has decresed a lot. But The Question is out there:

"Could Thom do better?" or "Would Thom be better off with someone else?"

I assured him that I would hold no hard feelings if he decided to walk away. He wanted to know what would happen to me if he was not there to take care of me. I assured him that I would be fine ... got along without you before I met you and I can get along without you now! (favorite song). He shared that he has considered that very question - could he do better - at least three times since he has observed me during migraine episodes ... and he decided each time to hang in there for me and most importantly for us. Good answer.

We have agreed not to talk this to death ... but that I reserve the right to ask him about this question again. He assures me he is stuck on sticking by me. Amazing guy.

Still it was a tough discussion for me ... to bluntly state that I am damaged goods and that he could probably do better. He says he can't do better (what a nice compliment) but of course ...

Time Will Tell.

I think you did this the right way. You were honest about yourself. Yes you are sick at times and have health problems. But you were very open about how you feel. I also think it is good you said you may want to talk about this later. Better to be open and honest about this because it is important to you. What ever happens after this will happen or not. Stay well.

Hi Richard,
I think that the answer is in your last sentence: Time Will Tell.

First off, you were used to the best caring that you needed: Steve. If that was your standard, anything that comes later will seem different - maybe "worse" - and will make you wonder on how good the behaviour is. I think that Thom has his own way to respond to your attacks and it will take time to understand if you like it or not. You will understand it only when your mind will no longer try a comparaison with Steve's behaviour.

In your shoes, I'd do the mistake to "judge" Thom from the way he reacts to migraine attacks. I am sure that you won't do this, but be careful also in this sense. Unfortunately, our disease often becomes so much part of our emotional and social life that we "use" it to measure things and people.

Take care
Bye

It is a tough discussion and one that weighs on our minds.

I have asked hubby if after 25 years if he would like to rethink things. He is a great man and we are very happy, but I feel I'm robbing him. Little social life, never knowing if he's going to be doing things as a couple or a single, doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning. He says, never! That I give him the happiness he has and the good days far outweigh the bad.

This week was brutal with headaches. The vomitting was non-stop for days, four days of missed work. But, I honestly think it was harder for him. He would just keep rubbing my head gently, sayig "I wish I could take this over for you". And in his eyes I could tell it was true.

It will take Thom time to adjust to seeing someone he cares about being in pain. And knowing that there is not a darn thing he can do about it. But, Richard, I don't see you as being the type of guy that would walk away when things got tough, and it's kind of sounding like Thom is that kind of man too.

So let Thom be like hubby and stick around for the good days. Cause I know, when I'm bad, I'm very, very bad, but when I'm good, I SHINE

Charlotte

I remember having the very same conversation with my hubby (several times). It's very tough but I wanted to be able to give him an 'out' if he needed it. But as Charlotte said, his view was that I'm worth it because when I'm good I shine (and he'd rather be with me on a bad day than anyone else on a good day).

Sounds like Thom is feeling the same way and I can only hope things work out for you. And though it makes life difficult migraine does not preclude a great relationship forming. I have everything crossed for you!

Amy

That is a tough discussion. I'm glad that Thom is being honest with you and sticking by. I hope he continues to stick by as you deserve a good man.

I tried to have the discussion with my last guy and his answer was to leave. So I'm glad I brought it up early enough that my heart wasn't brusied to badly. Someday I may find someone who will stick, but as you said, I took care of myself before, and I can take care of my self now.

Hugs
Alli