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Being Alone and Being Lonely

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Kate
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Post  Richard Fri Jul 02, 2010 8:10 am

I was speaking with some lonely friends the other day. Several lived alone - as I live alone most days when my roommate works and travels. They were struggling with loneliness. I thought of the "McDonald's Men" ... all those guys who come to McDonald's restaurants throught the USA each morning just to share a cup of coffee in the presence of other lonely older men. Most of them are too shy or lack the skills to actually talk with another McDonald's Man ... or perhaps they are waiting fo the McDonald's Woman who never comes alone. Still there are lots of lonely people out there.

I shared with my friends that in my life I have noticed a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. Often I am perfectly content with my own company. Sometimes not. Sometimes I am terribly lonely in a crowd of people who care for me. The week after Steve died my home was filled with loving relatives and friends - still it was probably the loneliest week of my life. But there have been many parties and dinners and get togethers when I felt lonely within a group of people I knew.

I believe one factor (grief not withstanding - that is a whole other issue) but a huge factor in being alone and not feeling lonely is boredom. When I am bored I am much more likely to feel lonely.

My Mom lost her husband, her friend, her playmate when my Dad died 9/09. She lost her eyesight (and her ability to drive) in 2/09. This summer she has periods of extreme loneliness. Some of it is grief and lots of it is sheer boredom - no TV, no computer, no going out. Boredom seems connected to loneliness for us.

My grandmother who lived to 105 often told me that she felt lonely. She always had loving people around her ... but she missed her generation being around ... other people who had lived through the same times she lived, shared memories, shared ways of doing things. For Granmother, her lonely patches were infrequent but intensely disturbing ... she was always an "out there" socialite kind of woman. "Doing something interesting" always her.

What is your experience? When do you feel lonely? Have you ever felt lonely when other people who cared about you were right there with you?


Richard
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Post  alli Fri Jul 02, 2010 9:52 am

I enjoy my time alone so don't really feel lonely. Even when I am in a relationship I crave alone time. I think I spent so much time alone as a child that it is a natural way of life for me. I do like company but am completely content when I am alone. I can always find something to do or read so I rarely get bored.

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Post  Mianna Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:31 pm

I am usually okay alone too.......I think it depends on the circumstances of our loneliness.

I would not feel okay to be without my husband and son..........but 'alone' time from them.....being 'alone' if they are together....is a nice thing.
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Post  lesherb Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:50 pm

My loneliness can happen when I am visiting with my husband's family. It was more apparent early in the relationship, before I had any history with them. They live across the state from my home town, so there are no situational memories (for example, a hurricane or a snowstorm to recount that we all experienced, albeit, not with one another).

When I remarried, I moved away from my family. That was of my choosing so I do not blame anyone, but it was hard. I had not lived more than 3 miles away from my childhood home until I was 37.

On the flipside, I enjoy being alone. I grew up virtually an only child (sister is 13 years older than me). I am alone all day long, now that I no longer work.

I think I know what you mean.
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Post  Billy Ray Sat Jul 03, 2010 10:31 am

I do know what you mean. I went through a time right after highschool I was very lonely. Every day I wished for someone special -- I wished to have my own family and have kids. Today I have all that -- now at times I wish I could have some alone time. I guess it goes in cycles.
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Post  theresae Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:35 pm

Thats a very good way of explaining it Billy, i always feel lonely when i have bad patches of migraine, because even when people are around me helping out, i still feel like i am alone in fighting to keep going with this condition,
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Post  Kate Sat Jul 03, 2010 6:01 pm

I think that people are more lonely in todays society because we live in such a narcissistic society.

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Post  Almostangela Sun Jul 04, 2010 9:26 am

I'm always surrounded by people and just when I think I might have time to myself, someone comes along and needs my attention. I've commented that I'm an energy magnet at my own demise. And yet, I love to be by myself.

However, having never been alone for a long stretch in my life, I think it would probably devastate me. I would likely find ways to weasle my way into some sort of people action, even if it kills me.

How much of lonliness is a mislabelled depression?

Angela
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Post  Richard Sun Jul 04, 2010 11:30 am

I believe a lot of American loneliness is due to the changes made in our society by WWII and the industrial revolution. Pre-WWII it was normal for many generations of a family to live in the same house. the "traditional nuclear family" of husband wife and kids and a real recent invention. Post WWI, individual home ownership (suburbs) became the American dream. Now these husband and wives, often widowed, live alone - we taught our kids the ideal fo moving away from home and buying their own house. Now "family" is too often a single man or woman in an owned home.

This is tied to the Western World move from farms to city - the industrail revolution. this change gave us all mobility (cars, planes, etc.) AND much greater productivity ... a society was made able to produce the same amount of goods with less work.

In Europe, it appears to me, this benefit to society (greater productivity) was used to create more liesure time .... shorter work weeks and much longer vacations than in the USA. In America (USA-Canada) we used this increased productivity to create a consumer driven economy - the goal was to get more stuff, not more free time.

I have to admit, that I believe we in the USA chose wrongly - as we age and have lots of stuff but no investment in relationships, elder loneliness ensues. Bad return on the "stuff investment" of our increased productivity due to technology. but the jury is still out ... and it is not to change any time soon.

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Post  Kate Sun Jul 04, 2010 11:54 am

So true. People aren`t any better off because of the "me" centered individualistic lifestyle in America. People are more miserable because you can`t replace relationships with things. Also, always being so self-focused all of the time will make someone miserable.


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Post  VickiG Mon Jul 05, 2010 2:59 am

I feel lonely an awful lot. I'm really fortunate to live with my parents. I was going to have to move into the condo they bought for me to replace the one I lived in while I was dating my last boyfriend. But I came to realize that I would be even more lonely without my parents. However, it's not the same as having someone of my own. I really crave having someone to be able to hold me and kiss me when times are difficult. I think the downside to living with my parents is that they are very physically affectionate and cuddly together a lot. So I have to see them kiss and hug and know that I don't have any of that.

I know that one way to try to address that is to try to get back on an online dating site, but I just don't have the emotional strength to sign up or deal with the rejection.

I'm kind of putting some hope in a lunch I have on Wednesday with a high school friend of mine. We were never romantic at all, but my favorite teacher told me once that he viewed Jimmy as being the only of my friends who balanced my personality well. At the very least, I'll have a friend I can see face to face who is a peer. I don't have many of those. I see the international students a lot, but I sense a slight power differential between us, as well as an age gap. But it would be nice if there was some kind of spark between Jimmy and me. But I won't be counting on it!
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Post  lostinobx Mon Jul 05, 2010 5:40 am

I can so relate to this as I am recently divorced and had to move back home with my mother. I don't think I have ever felt so alone or have been so lonely in my whole life.

I am ready to get back out there and start dating again, but like you Vicki, don't feel I have it in me. I am somewhat older than you are and the thought of jumping back in there does not appeal to me one bit. But, then again, no one is going to come knocking on my door, are they?

All of my friends are either married or have boyfriends and have their own lives. The ones who don't only want to hang out in bars. I did that and am over it. I also tried the online dating, met a very nice guy, dated for a few mths, then he ended up moving to another country, which hurt, again, so I don't think I want to go that route. I know, I need to give it more time, but to be honest, I don't have the finances to do it again.

So, I'm not sure what to do next. I do like spending time by myself, but I have spent too much time now by myself and am bored with me.

I'm have so much love to give and I am one of those people who love making others happy. Just a true romantic at heart. I would hate to think that this is the rest of my life.

Sorry, didn't mean to be so depressing Smile Just have been thinking about this for a while now and have been having these alone and lonely feelings and needed to vent.

Thanks for listening.

Hugs!

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Post  VickiG Tue Jul 06, 2010 3:45 am

Lost, I understand totally. I was kind of hit hard tonight when I saw an announcement on Facebook that my ex-boyfriend, the one who had always been the stick by which I measured all other men until he cheated on me the second time we dated, is getting remarried. It doesn't seem fair that he gets a second shot at marriage, while I haven't even had a first shot! But then, I was spared the anguish of his divorce. He told me that after his wife left him (after having cheated on him several times), he discovered that he had low testosterone, which made him not interested in sex (probably how he remained a virgin until marriage! or am I just too cynical?), so it led her to seek sex from other men.

But still, as much as I know in my head that I was spared a bad marriage, it still seems hard that he is getting a second chance when I haven't had a first, especially since I was ready to marry him the second round we dated (the first time was in high school). That only came to naught when he decided (without telling me first) that he didn't like long-distance relationships and started dating the woman who became his first wife. The heart doesn't always listen to the mind.
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Post  lostinobx Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:35 am

Vicki,

I know how hard that must have been for you to discover that. But like you said, at least you were saved from being the one that was cheated on or was in a marriage that was not right for you.

Believe me, I had to experience it the hard way. My marriage, I thought was absolutely great. I was so in love with this man and I thought he felt the same way. He came to me and asked for a divorce and my world ended. I did everything he wanted me to do during the divorce because he said we would always be friends, and there were other things he promised.

Well, because I trusted him so deeply, I did what he asked, only to find out after the divorce was over that he had been having an affair with a girl he workd with (he worked for the secret government if you get my drift). Anyway, she was also married. As soon as our marriage was final, they got married. There is so much more to this story - but the hardest part was the betrayal of someone and my feeling like a complete failure.

Yes, we do seem to follow our hearts and not our heads. Looking back I would probably go with my heart again, because I loved him unconditionally and I know that at the end of the day I can put my head on my pillow and know that I lived up to my promise and can feel good about that.

Although, in hind sight, boy I wish I had taken him to the cleaners Smile

One day sweetie - we will find our true love. They are out there somewhere and that I do believe with all my heart.

Hugs!!

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Post  HeelerLady Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:05 am

Vicki,

Don't despair. Smile You are waiting for the right one and not settling for the first thing that walks by and offers you a ring. There's something to be said for waiting for the right one.

I've been engaged twice and called both off. Both had irreparable problems and would have ultimately ended in divorce. I'm still waiting for the right one.

Not sure what to do about my situation. I haven't heard from my guy in almost 2 months but know his work is crazy and he's working some very long hours. Just getting harder and harder to wait and I wonder how long to keep waiting...
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Post  VickiG Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:01 am

HeelerLady, do I understand that you've been dating someone whom you haven't heard from at all in 2 months? Something doesn't sound right there. Even if you are super busy with crazy work, you should still be able to pick up the phone or email or even text message from time to time. I'd be concerned that he's not following through if I were you.
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Post  alli Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:59 am

I was married for 16 years, with him for a total of 18, and that ended in a nasty divorce. I was engaged twice and called those off after serious problem turned up that they were not willing to work on. The last relationship ended when it became apparent that a casual relationship was all that he was interested in. After all that I decided that I would much rather be alone than in a bad relationship.

I haven't written off meeting someone new but I am not staking my future happiness on meeting Mr. Right. He is notoriously difficult to track down Razz and I hope that I will meet him soon. But if I don't, I'll be happier alone than with someone who makes me miserable.


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