Mourning what could have been..

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Mourning what could have been..

Post  xmom on Tue Mar 30, 2010 1:39 pm

I have two beautiful children who I am thankful for every day. I love my kids dearly and have always wanted more. Well, at least one more. Maybe one or two more.

But the more I progress into this disease the more I am wondering if it will ever happen. I woke up with a doozie this morning... 3 imitrex, 1 hydrocodone, and 9 hours later I am finally mostly better.. but in the midst of it all I could think to myself was how can I possibly consider another pregnancy with this disease. Plus the fact that my second child was born 2 months early due to preeclampsia and it's possible it could happen again. I think I'm just deluding myself imagining that it would be possible to have more children.

My husband had to take our kids to his parents' house today so he could go to work because I was in no shape to even hold our baby. I hate being a burden on other people.

I always imagined having this big family, and I guess I am just now realizing it may never happen. I know I should be thankful I have 2 beautiful, healthy children. I just can't help mourning the dream children I always thought I would have.
Migraine, I hate you.

Thanks for letting me get this out. Crying or Very sad

xmom

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Re: Mourning what could have been..

Post  tecky on Tue Mar 30, 2010 3:48 pm

I'm sorry, Emily.

I think most of us can relate in the loss of our dreams as a result of this dreadful migraine disease (children, career, education, just plain life, etc). It just stinks most of the time.

Keep up the hope. Maybe some great medical discovery or some miraculous treatment to either lessen or completely stop the monster migraines will come along soon.

My two boys are grown now, but I'm so thankful for them. They've been two of the greatest blessings in my life.

Becky flower
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Re: Mourning what could have been..

Post  Paradox on Tue Mar 30, 2010 7:53 pm

Emily,

I'm so sorry. The loss of that dream is very difficult. I had thought that I only wanted one child. Until I was told I needed a hysterectomy (I had already lost one ovary). The thought that we couldn't have more was devastating. It took us another four years to be able to carry our second child to term. During that time I would cry even walking down the baby food aisle.

It made me realize that I couldn't even fathom the pain that infertile couples must have. I had one child but was still in anguish.

After my second child I had the hysterectomy. But I still mourned that little girl I would never have. My eldest however, is quite grateful. He teases me about how goo-goo I get around babies, and that he probably would've had 10 brothers and sisters had I not had the surgery (and he may be right!).

I don't know what else to say, except I'm sorry. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
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Re: Mourning what could have been..

Post  msmolly on Tue Mar 30, 2010 9:19 pm

Emily, so sorry that you are faced with this feeling of loss or choice. I hope that you have some faith, and can turn the big picture questions over to a higher power. I think that just getting through each day, doing your best, is all that anyone could ask of you right now. Your children and your husband seem to know that - I hope that you can congratulate yourself for all that you do, despite the migraines that want to rule your life.

Molly
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Re: Mourning what could have been..

Post  xmom on Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:00 pm

Thank you all so very much for the support.

xmom

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Re: Mourning what could have been..

Post  Stillhurtin on Tue Mar 30, 2010 10:12 pm

I'm glad you were able to come here to vent about it and at least get those thoughts and feelings out.

I know how you feel.... unfortunatley many of us do, as we all, at some point, mourn for something that has been stolen by this disease.

Just remember that the rainbow does have 2 sides tho...and you will have good days too, and times where you feel like many many things are possible. I know it may not seem like it right now, but those days do reappear.

I'm sorry you are feeling down. Hoping tomorrow is a better day.
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Re: Mourning what could have been..

Post  estre004 on Wed Mar 31, 2010 7:00 am

I don't know how old you are or your migraine history but maybe there is still hope that you could still have another baby. Keep trying everything there is to control your migraines. And think of the worst scenario. You have just two kids. To a lot of other people, this would be there dream. Focus on the positive, but that doesn't mean you can't still hope.

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Re: Mourning what could have been..

Post  moominamy on Wed Mar 31, 2010 7:12 am

I really know where you are coming from. In my non-migraine, ideal world I would have a great career (more money), so we'd have a bigger house (more bedrooms) and we'd be able to have four children (the number we'd both really like if all was good). As it is two seems more realistic, but I still live in hope. I've yet to see how I cope with one!

Something I thought might help me cope with my reality in future years if my migraines improve but I am past the age of having more of our own children is fostering/adopting. It's something we decided we'd do if we couldn't have children naturally.

It's so difficult to consider because who knows what the migraine beast has in store for us. Take comfort in your two blessings and don't give up hope flower

Amy

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