Depression deepens

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Depression deepens

Post  Paradox on Fri Dec 11, 2009 3:29 pm

I stopped by my best friends house to show off my new cat. I ended up leaving devastated. My best friend for the last four years is a man (I'll call him Lane). My best friends have always been either boys or men. Growing up in the country you didn't have much gender choice as to who lived close to you, and it was always boys.

My husband does not like sports at all. I love football, watching golf etc.

Lane and I worked together 25 years ago in a male dominated workplace. We were always good friends. Four years ago he was widowed and started hanging out with us more. He is 63 and retired and 13 years older than me.

It's evolved over the years that I go over here for football games etc. He, hubby and I also go out to dinner a couple times a week. WHen we're watching games he opens up a lot to me about missing wife, etc. Things he won't talk about around hubby.

Cut to the chase, today he told me I can't go over to his house anymore, because "it's just not right". I finally got it out of him that his adult daughters don't understand that a man and woman can be friends. So because his kids don't understand, I have lost my best friend.

Hubby is furious. I know I have a very special man in my hubby, not a jealous bone in his body. But, also, when he met me my best friend was a guy and it's always been that way.

What I'm especially upset about is Lane's timing. He knows I'm going through a crippling depression so on top of everything else, I've lost my best friend. No, Hubby is the ultimate best friend, but I lost my buddy and confidante.

I need to go and cry some more.

I'm so glad you guys are here, I'm feeling very alone.

Charlotte
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Re: Depression deepens

Post  CluelessKitty on Fri Dec 11, 2009 5:58 pm

Oh gosh Charlotte. This is just vile Suspect

I am suspicous of Lane's motives. A true friend would stand up for his friend, not matter what.
I really don't understand this whole thing. After 25 years? this is fishy. I am not saying Lane's is lying to you, but maybe there is more to it than mere "his kids doesn't like it".
Maybe he has met a woman and SHE doesn't like it? feels threatened by your position in Lane's life?

And what about meeting in other places beside his house? is that out, too? sheesh, so weird, weird.

I dunno. this is so weird and I am so very, very much sorry for you dear Charlotte. Words fails me to say how I feel.

Risa
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Re: Depression deepens

Post  Paradox on Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:22 pm

I agree and so does Hubby that there is more to it. I'm not even sure the new girlfriend knows about Hubby and I.

Oh, meeting someplace else? We have NEVER done that. He has always too worried about what other people would think if we were seen together without hubby. So poory hubby has been dragged along golfing (which he hates), to sporting goods stores, movies he didn't want to see, alot of places he really had no interest in going.

It has always made me feel like a second class citizen.

One of reasons Lane and I got to be such good friends because we shared the same interests. Civil War history, sports, political & religious discussions...stuff hubby doesn't care for.

My feeling is that now that he has other social activities to occupy his time, I'm just not needed anymore.

Charlotte
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Re: Depression deepens

Post  LG on Fri Dec 11, 2009 6:45 pm

I'm sorry Charlotte.

Do his adult daughters understand the context of your relationship,
and that you have a husband at home that also knows Lane?

Sometimes people can be royal PITA's. I do agree that it sounds like something else,
but trying to give Lane the benefit of a doubt here,
being that he's been a loyal friend of yours for so long. I know several times in my family
there have been disputes directly caused by someone trash-talking
someone else and bam, that person was excommunicated. I.E, My mom never
got along with my Aunt P., however, my Aunt P. and Aunt M. got along famously.
Then my mom came along and started talking to my Aunt M. and ranting all this
terrible stuff about Aunt P. and it got my Aunt M. on the fence about A.P and BAM! Now they don't
speak with each other anymore. All because my mom said "It wasn't right."

Family also tends to listen to family. It's really easy for a daughter to turn to a father and say,
"Hey listen, pops, A. B. and C. have to change or D. E. and F. are going to happen."
It really sucks, but if these girls have negative opinions of another woman coming along
after their mothers passing, they might be influencing Lane in a negative way.
Maybe Lane isn't completely to blame.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your good friend. I understand
how much time it takes to build a good relationship with someone(especially with a man...
I worked as a machinist and still have friends in the trade. Certainly some of the best, but not easiest friends),
and I hope you can settle this with him. We are all here, and i'm always listening.
If you need anything, please don't hesitate.
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Re: Depression deepens

Post  tecky on Sat Dec 12, 2009 7:48 am

Charlotte,

I understand where you're coming from.

Many of my best friends have been male, too, over the years. I have two brothers and one sister. My sister was grown and married when I came along, so I grew up with and played with my brothers. We also lived in a rural area, and all the neighbors were boys. I enjoyed the outside farm work and farm activities.

I worked the last 13 years in a male dominated area, and got along well with all my male co-workers.

One of my best friends and co-worker was a male. He was also a good friend of my husband's. Until one day, his wife told me her mother said she should be worried about me having an affair with him. Never was there even an ioata of that type of a relationship. We were friends! He had migraines and was more understanding even than my husband of that aspect (he knew when I started to get grumpy, I was probably getting a migraine, which I hadn't noticed). After his wife's comment, I cut off the friendship, because the last thing I wanted to do was hurt their marriage.

It was and is deeply painful. Good friends are hard to come by, especially ones who understand migraines and the devastation they do to your life.

I hope "Lane" comes around and explains honestly to you what is going on. Usually men are a little more blunt and open about these things, so it makes me suspicious that there is a woman behind the whole thing.

Hang in there, Charlotte. Over time, maybe Lane will give you more explainations. I hope so.

Becky
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Re: Depression deepens

Post  Paradox on Sat Dec 12, 2009 10:12 am

There have been rumors over the years about Lane and I. And they were started by his late wife as a joke! I got along famously with her, and she, like hubby, understood the nature of the relationship. But as the "joke" was spread it turned into malacious gossip.

I have always been "Aunt "Charlotte"" to his kids and grandkids. But, I do realize that our relationship is difficult to understand. Recently his 13 year old grand-daughter asked her mother if I had a crush on "papa". (The same grand-daughter that I stayed up til midnight for so she could see "New Moon" when it first opened). Perhaps this is where his unease is coming from.

I don't have grandkids yet, but I'm sure my world will revolve around them, and their opinion of me will be important.

The friendhsip had drifted for about 10 years. They had moved to another state. When they moved back I had a 6 year old, and a handicapped 1 year old, was working and going to school. For many years I didn't have time for friends.

Lane, Hubby and I only reconnected after his dear wife passed away. She was everything to him, and he was in a lot of grief. We made sure to invite him for dinner, to ask him to come with us when we went out anywhere. That's how the friendship rekindled.

Last year Lane had an emotional break down. I stayed on the phone with him for almost his entire trip back from Texas. Hubby and I even tried to get him to stop driving so we could drive down and get him.

When I was hospitalized last year, he and hubby were my lifelines, since I was only allowed phone conversations.

Today, I am just very sad and confused. But, I'm still quite angry that he choose to do this while I've been in such a low. Hubby and I have always been there for him when he was having crisis. (Oh, he told me yesterday that I could still come to him when I'm in my "dark place". My response to him was "So you can kick me?").

I'm hoping that I can get past the anger. I'm not one to hold grudges, they make me feel icky, I like things nice and smooth.

Thanks again friends. Feeling so low I didn't go into work today...not a good thing.

Charlotte
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