Me and my daughter are having a hard time..... Need advice

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Me and my daughter are having a hard time..... Need advice

Post  needmykids on Wed Jan 25, 2012 11:47 am

I need some advice as to me and my 14 and 18 year old daughters are not able to have a relationship.. I have been separated from my wife for about 2 years. Since the split I found someone that I could trust and rely on for advice and now that has turned in to a more than a friend but a really good friend / girl friend. I was not totally honest with my kids cause I was not sure how they would take it. I work overseas and my gf has made my life so much more happier. But at that happiness has costed me a lot of grief with my kids. So this christmas I was at home at my mothers and my 14 year old daughter( which is very nosey) went through my IPOD and found all my pictures of when I was with the gf and some of the pictures are of her nude. And there was some pictures of her kids(NOT NUDE). So now this did not sit well with her at all of course.
When I was living in the household I was strict on my daughters because i wanted them to have a good moral sense and now she has thrown that up to my face that i was not loving and that everything i have bought them and gave them came with consequences. I just dont understand that cause i always wanted them to take care of their stuff that i paid good money for. And money has never came easy to me. But now that I work overseas I make sure they have everything that they need and I pay more for them then I should but i want them to be happy.
So now my daughter thinks that I have replaced her with my gf's 2 girls. I have explained to her that i haven't. And that I love her and I am sorry for what she thinks but she is wrong. Plus she ask if I feel guilty for cheating on her mom. Well, in a way i do cause i am legally still married. But i have found so much happiness with my gf. I just don't know what to do about it. I wished I had been more up front with her in the past concerning the gf. She calls her a whore and is very bitter. And now she will not answer my calls or for that matter communicate in texting.

So does anyone out there know what I should do? If you do have any advice or questions please do not hold back just say it. Thank You


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Post  dawn.binks on Wed Jan 25, 2012 1:39 pm

think youve just got to hang on and weather the storm.

do understand your daughter tho, if i put myself in her shoes id be disgusted and angry to see the first pics of your gf nude. you will have to try and just spend time with her... dont think will happen anytime soon tho.

youve had time to get to know your gf, your daughter hasnt, just hang on, dont change at all and let her just seee that you havent changed your affection at all.

just cling on, dont try and buy them gifts to pacify them, its time they need.


hang on and just love them. keep going!!
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Re: Me and my daughter are having a hard time..... Need advice

Post  Mini on Wed Jan 25, 2012 2:02 pm

Dawn has given you excellent advice already. I would only like to add that you must be strong for your girls now, by strong I mean loving them regardless of how they now act.

Being a teenager is hard enough, even in a stable family home, but to have to cope with such great changes in their lives can be very stressful and frightening.
They feel, that they might be loosing you, they feel insecure and uncertain about their future. They have no idea what si going to happen next, especially since you are not always there to re-assure them, when they need you.

They did not create this situation, so they feel lost and helpless so I am affraid it is up to you to try to make things all right for them. I am affraid it will be up to you to show much patience and love not only by words, but by all your actions, even when they are difficult.

Your happiness is important, but so is theirs and they are still your little girls, no matter what age they are. They love you, and they are scared.
Once they feel reassured, they might become more accepting of your new life/

Nice to meet you, and I hope things will get better for all of you.

e.
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Re: Me and my daughter are having a hard time..... Need advice

Post  needmykids on Wed Jan 25, 2012 7:19 pm

dawn.binks wrote:think youve just got to hang on and weather the storm.

do understand your daughter tho, if i put myself in her shoes id be disgusted and angry to see the first pics of your gf nude. you will have to try and just spend time with her... dont think will happen anytime soon tho.

youve had time to get to know your gf, your daughter hasnt, just hang on, dont change at all and let her just seee that you havent changed your affection at all.

just cling on, dont try and buy them gifts to pacify them, its time they need.


hang on and just love them. keep going!!



Thank you for your advice. I will definitely use it. Pray for my daughters and I.

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Re: Me and my daughter are having a hard time..... Need advice

Post  needmykids on Wed Jan 25, 2012 7:28 pm

Mini wrote:Dawn has given you excellent advice already. I would only like to add that you must be strong for your girls now, by strong I mean loving them regardless of how they now act.

Being a teenager is hard enough, even in a stable family home, but to have to cope with such great changes in their lives can be very stressful and frightening.
They feel, that they might be loosing you, they feel insecure and uncertain about their future. They have no idea what si going to happen next, especially since you are not always there to re-assure them, when they need you.

They did not create this situation, so they feel lost and helpless so I am affraid it is up to you to try to make things all right for them. I am affraid it will be up to you to show much patience and love not only by words, but by all your actions, even when they are difficult.

Your happiness is important, but so is theirs and they are still your little girls, no matter what age they are. They love you, and they are scared.
Once they feel reassured, they might become more accepting of your new life/

Nice to meet you, and I hope things will get better for all of you.

e.

How can I reassure them? I just have no clue on this? How do you reassure someone that just will not talk to you. I have explained to them that I am sorry for that. But I also feel that she should not have been so nosey to pry into my business also. Correct me if I am wrong. Thanks and I will follow what ever advice you can give.

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Post  dawn.binks on Thu Jan 26, 2012 1:53 am

hi,

yes i completely agree your daughter had no right at all to invade your privacy but on the other hand you ad a right to let your daughters know about this lady before you got to the point of photographing her nude.

i presume youd seen her sometime before doing this so whats painful to your daughtter is knowing how long youd kept it from her then having to see such explicit pics and thereby invading so much of your privacy.


i have to say if i put myself in her shoes id be furius youd kept it from me and more to the point why?? maybe thats the question that is causing all the pain, they want to know why the secrecy??! and they feel separated from you.

as mini said yhey must be feeling insecure.

if theyre not talk to you then wirite to them but let them know you love them and youd like to chat so you can answer their questions and stand back and give them space.

it wont happen overnight and you have a lot of trust buliding to do.

it could take months/a year so just hang on in there.
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Re: Me and my daughter are having a hard time..... Need advice

Post  Mini on Thu Jan 26, 2012 4:28 am

Yes, it is true that your daughter had no right looking into your things, but perhaps she was desperate becasue she was driven to it by your secretive behaviour. She was worried, she needed to find out at any price.

She made a mistake. But it was perhaps understable, under the circumstances.
Maybe if you told her sooner, in the right way, she would not need to do thatt, so I am affraid you are partially to blame for that situation. So, I would not be too hard on her.
In fact, it is best not to bring it back any more, since it is a very painful event for both of you, so why keep reminding yourself of it.

It is not the right time for point scoring, anyway.
It is you who is older and wiser, and should forgive her. Rememeber, love is forgiveness. We all make mistakes with our loved ones. Tell her that you will not mention this again, if you want, This would be a good start.
In time hopefully, your daughters will forgive you, too.

Now is the time that you will have to be kind, very patient and loving. The best way to express your love is by admitting to them that you have made a terrible mistake by not telling them sooner, and apologising but you must say it as if you meant it. Without anger.

Don't get cross and upset if you don't get immediate response. You will not, it is too soon. They are very, very hurt, they are in much pain.

If they will not listen or talk to you, write all this in a letter. But wirte a separate personal letter for each daughter. Keep repeating how much they mean to you, how happy they make you, how proud you are of them. How much you miss that loving feeling, when you are with them. Just use your own words, so they know you mean it.

It is wonderful that you have found happiness, but they are in pain becasue they feel they lost you forever.
Remember teenagers are very dramatic, they all are, let alone in such difficult situation.And you have not been honest with them,

Your daughters still need you, they still love you, but you are their father so you need to be the one who will have to make it right, by making sure that they know that you are still there for them.
It is not all about money, you must never try to "buy" their love, as it will only make them even more angry. They want your love, not your money. Give them time. Don't loose heart.

But something you need to do firts, you must speak to your wife and sort out that relationship first, so that everybody knows where all of you stand legally and emotionally.

Good luck and keep in touch.





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Time can be a healer

Post  needmykids on Thu Jan 26, 2012 8:13 am

Well I must say you two ladies have opened my eyes and heart. thank you so much for your advice. I will write them both a letter today and send it to them. Though it will take a couple of weeks cause I am in afghanistan but it will get there. I will explain to them the relationship and how it came to be and when it really got serious. As for the exwife we will be getting a divorce. I was so unhappy for the 20 years that we had and i tried telling her that i was unhappy so many times and tried and tried. The first time we seperated I came back because of the daughters. I did not do it for her or me. I was so wrong in that. Now since I retired from the Navy i was struggling to come home. And the only reason why i would come home was for my daughters and my son. He is 9. They would help me cover my frown up with a smile.

I am not sure if he could even understand about the girl friend. I think he does know that I talk to her. But he would rather spend time with me while I am at my moms. Him and I have a really good relationship. I tell him that I will explain to him when he is old enough that he would not understand at his age right now. He never ask he just wants his daddy. I wished girls was like boys. It would be easier on dads. But i am learning and I will repair both relationships with my daughters. you ladies have no idea how much information that you have given me. Thank you so much. I will be your friend forever. Thanks again. and i will leave you updates. Cause i may need more advice.

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Re: Me and my daughter are having a hard time..... Need advice

Post  Mini on Thu Jan 26, 2012 9:33 am

Hi, I am glad if any of the above, was of any help.
However, only you know what is right action in your particular situation, so please take a little time to think what makes most sense to you. A day or two will not make much difference. Think carefully what you want to say in those letters and look at them again next day, before posting it.
I always do that with any important letters, BTW. This could be really useful, you will see.

Please do not beat yourself up too much for going back for the sake of kids, sometimes we try as hard as we can to save impossible situation for the sake of others, but rememebr only a decent person would try to do that.

Just one more thing, your little boy at nine can be preapred for some changes already, so it is not too much shock for him later (remember keeping secrets is what caused such trouble in the first place).
I understand that you are trying to protect him, but many parents these days split up, so children understand such things at much earlier age. Just do not overload him with too much information, just very few sentences will do and see how he reacts. Then you might ask him if he wants to ask you any more questions, and take it from there.

Don't forget that your girls, are much older and now they know more of your current situation as well, this is why they react differently. They still remember having you at home in earlier days and they miss that, so it is much harder for them to accept the changes. Girls are also very attached to their father on a deeper level, and they'd feel more threatened by another woman in their Dad's life.

BTW I live in UK so our time scale is different.

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